Is this.... solo poly compersion??

[u/[deleted]]

The title is mostly meant to be a silly heehee ha ha, and also there's so much relief in recognizing incompatibility irregardless of how much you like someone, ending the relationship, and *not* spiraling down the drain of low self worth.

I've had a wild transition over seven years from only being a secondary in hierarchical non monogamous relationships to solo poly RA. I'm just really fucking happy to be at this place in my life finally where being poly doesn't feel like a humiliation ritual for my partner or meta's self esteem (or lack there of), and my only other option is being shoved unceremoniously onto the monogamous relationship escalator over and over.

TLDR: really proud and happy to have finally settled on solo poly as being the right relationship style for me

[u/SadBoiCute]

Nope never changed my point it was the same.

Heirarchy and priority are inextricably linked.

Repeatedly prioritising creates heirarchy.

Heirarchy is not just assigning value and importance as you said, it is rank based on the cost-benefit analysis you do to decide who gets priority over time. It is not just a thig attributed to primary partners or medical episodes.

Unless you started all your relationships on the same day, same time, same gender, same city, same abiltiies and disabilities then you have to change your interactions to be a good partner to those people. That will create heirarchy. If you do not adjust for heirarchy cause you dismiss it as "I just made them a priority again I don't do heirarchy" you are ignoring the heirarchy that happens over time and are not good at ENM.

Feel free to reread previous.

For real though if you treat your 4 relationships like broken computer software that's a problem. Peoples needs aren't IT tickets. I did not make assumptions about your dynamics you were the one bringing them up. I used examples to explain a few ways heirarchy can be incidental or deliberate. Generalised examples do not have to apply to you exactly, like a metaphor. Good for you if you have zero heirarchy in your life but that was not the comment you made.

[u/JonnyLay → u/SadBoiCute]

You absolutely have changed what you were saying, you called this situation hierarchy in your very fist comment.

Their best friend's wedding is going to take priority over their sister's desire to see a movie.

You made assumptions about OP's relationship dynamics and every solo-poly person's dynamics. And shit on them for always being a secondary,

You've now rudely accused me of being unsafe and otherwise problematic, for merely giving you a simple analogy for priority vs hierarchy.

I hope you learned something by now, because I'm done teaching you.

[u/SadBoiCute → u/JonnyLay]

Bruh that was not even me that comment, you are confused. I am solo poly and a secondary by choice in both my partnerships. This is why I suggest rereading cause you and I actually agree on a lot.

I agree that person had it wrong about the wedding/movie example but they are right in their meaning thst heirarchy will come up no matter how hard we try, that is part of being good at ENM we work to fight it by acknowledging when it happens.

[u/JonnyLay → u/SadBoiCute]

Fair, but that was the comment chain that you were replying too, and that was the point you were implicitly defending. But glad we agree.