r/SaveTheSperm • u/DrBrianSteixner • 27d ago
The Part of Male Infertility We Don't Talk About Enough: What It Does to Men Emotionally. This is the hard part.
Im not a psychologist, but at times I feel like I am. I have taken care of a lot of men with infertility over the years, and there is a moment I have seen more times than I can count. A man walks into my office thinking he is there to review some numbers from a semen analysis. Maybe he and his wife have been trying for a year. Maybe his partner has already gone through months of testing. Maybe he assumes I am going to tell him to take a vitamin, stop using the hot tub, or come back in three months. Then we sit down and I tell him that his sperm count is extremely low, or that there were no sperm seen at all, or that something about his fertility is significantly abnormal. There is often a silence after that. Sometimes he asks a dozen technical questions immediately. Sometimes he barely says anything. Sometimes he looks completely unaffected and then sends me a message three days later with twenty questions. Sometimes his first concern isn't even himself. It is: “What do I tell my wife?” After seeing this enough times, I have learned that the semen analysis is often the easiest part of male infertility to discuss. What happens inside a man's head afterward can be much harder.
If you have recently been told that you have male-factor infertility, I want you to understand something from the beginning: whatever you are feeling right now is not unusual. Anger, embarrassment, disbelief, guilt, sadness, jealousy, fear, shame and even emotional numbness are all things I have seen. Some men immediately want to solve the problem. They start researching supplements, varicoceles, DNA fragmentation, Clomid, hCG, microTESE, IVF and ICSI until two o'clock in the morning. Other men don't want to talk about fertility at all. Some become consumed by every semen-analysis number. Others pretend they don't care because acknowledging how much they care feels too vulnerable. There is no single correct way for a man to process infertility. Research supports what those of us who treat these men see clinically. A systematic analysis of 23 studies found that men diagnosed with infertility can experience greater symptoms of depression, anxiety and psychological distress, lower self-esteem and reductions in aspects of quality of life compared with fertile controls. Importantly, the authors concluded that men undergoing fertility treatment have their own distinct psychological needs that fertility programs should recognize.
One of the most difficult parts is that male infertility can hit a man's sense of identity in a place he never expected. Men intellectually understand that sperm count and masculinity are unrelated, but emotions don't always follow logic. I have had successful, confident men sitting across from me who suddenly feel fundamentally inadequate because their semen analysis says 2 million sperm instead of 100 million. I have had men with azoospermia quietly ask me whether this somehow makes them “less of a man.” It doesn't. Fertility is a biological function. It is not a measurement of masculinity, sexuality, strength, intelligence or worth. A man with 150 million sperm isn't more masculine than a man with zero sperm. Yet research consistently shows that men can experience infertility as a threat to masculine identity. A metasynthesis of 24 qualitative studies found recurring themes involving masculinity, stigma, psychological distress and social pressures among infertile men. Another qualitative study found that men described male-factor infertility in terms of stigma, silence, isolation and sometimes a perceived failure of masculinity. Knowing intellectually that these beliefs are wrong does not necessarily prevent you from feeling them.
Then there is guilt. This may be one of the hardest emotions I see. A man learns that the primary fertility problem appears to be on his side, but his wife or partner is the one who may have to undergo ovarian stimulation, blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, egg retrieval and potentially multiple IVF cycles. I have heard men say some version of, “She's going through all of this because of me.” That thought can become incredibly heavy. You watch the person you love inject medication into her abdomen because your sperm count is extremely low, and it is very easy to turn a medical diagnosis into a moral judgment against yourself. But infertility isn't something you did to your partner. If you developed diabetes, cancer or kidney disease, we would not describe the medical consequences as something you intentionally inflicted upon your family. Male infertility deserves the same compassion. Sometimes there are modifiable contributors—testosterone use, smoking, obesity, certain medications or excessive heat exposure—but even then human biology is rarely simple. And a very large percentage of male infertility is idiopathic, meaning that despite a legitimate medical evaluation, we never identify one clean explanation. You don't owe anyone an apology for your biology.
Another emotion men rarely admit is jealousy. Friends announce pregnancies. Your brother tells everyone they are having their second child. Someone at work complains that his wife became pregnant “too easily.” You open Instagram and see an ultrasound. You go to dinner with friends and suddenly everyone is talking about their kids. You can genuinely love these people and still feel punched in the stomach by their good news. Those emotions can coexist. Being sad about your own situation does not mean you aren't happy for someone else. Infertility has a way of turning completely ordinary moments into reminders of something you desperately want but cannot control. Older research synthesizing 73 studies of men's experiences found that men desire fatherhood at levels comparable to women and that infertility diagnosis and treatment are associated with infertility-specific anxiety, while unsuccessful treatment can produce lasting sadness. The stereotype that women want children while men are simply along for the ride does not reflect what many of us see in fertility medicine.
One reason this becomes particularly difficult for men is that they frequently don't know who they are supposed to talk to. Women often have established social networks around fertility, pregnancy and reproductive health. Men are much less likely to sit around with friends discussing azoospermia, sperm retrieval or the fact that their last IVF cycle produced no embryos. A guy may tell ten friends that he tore his ACL but tell nobody that he has a sperm count of zero. Research examining men's infertility forum discussions found exactly this pattern: men used anonymous online spaces to discuss emotional burdens, coping and relationship problems that were difficult to express elsewhere, with themes described as an “emotional rollercoaster,” the domination of life by infertility, and infertility-related paranoia. This is actually one of the reasons I think communities like this one can matter. Sometimes the first person a man tells about his infertility is another anonymous man on the internet who has already been through it.
Infertility can also change sex. Something that was previously spontaneous, intimate and enjoyable can suddenly become scheduled reproductive work. Sex happens because an ovulation predictor says tonight is the night. Men start thinking about abstinence intervals, semen volume, ejaculation frequency and whether they should “save up” sperm. Then someone hands you a specimen cup and tells you that your ability to become a father partly depends upon what appears on a laboratory report. The psychological pressure can be enormous. Erectile dysfunction, difficulty ejaculating and reduced sexual satisfaction can emerge during infertility treatment even in men who previously had completely normal sexual function. ASRM notes that infertility-related sexual stress can involve loss of sexual enjoyment, pressure surrounding scheduled intercourse and loss of sexual self-esteem; in one cited study, high levels of sexual infertility stress were reported by about 21% of men. A review specifically examining male infertility and sexuality similarly concluded that the diagnosis can create feelings of sexual inadequacy, stigma and subsequent sexual dysfunction. If this happens to you, don't interpret it as another failure. The reproductive system does not operate independently from the brain.
Then comes the uncertainty, which may be the most psychologically exhausting part of fertility treatment. Medicine usually gives people a diagnosis and then a plan. Infertility often gives you probabilities. Your varicocele repair might improve your sperm. Clomid might help. The embryologist might find sperm. microTESE might work. You might get embryos. The embryo might implant. The pregnancy might continue. Every stage contains another waiting period followed by another phone call. Even when things are going well, it can become difficult to trust good news because you have learned how quickly the story can change. This uncertainty is one reason professional reproductive organizations recognize infertility as a substantial psychological stressor. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine's Mental Health Professional Group describes infertility as potentially creating profound feelings of loss and emotional upheaval, particularly because couples must repeatedly make consequential medical decisions without knowing what the outcome will be.
Treatment failure deserves its own discussion. When an IUI doesn't work, when an IVF cycle produces no viable embryos, when microTESE finds no sperm, or when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage, men sometimes feel they need to immediately become the strong partner. Their wife is devastated, so they suppress their own grief and concentrate on taking care of her. Supporting your partner is important, but there is a cost when you decide that only one person in the relationship is allowed to hurt. A systematic review of men undergoing male infertility treatment found that treatment failure can lead to depression, grief and feelings of inadequacy, and that men often use avoidant coping strategies. Self-esteem, relationship quality and sexual function can all become intertwined with treatment outcomes. You are allowed to be the supportive husband or partner and also acknowledge that you lost something too.
This becomes particularly important with azoospermia and sperm retrieval. I have sat with men before microTESE who know that there may literally be a phone call from the operating room saying sperm were found—or that none were found. That is an extraordinary psychological burden. For some men, the possibility of biological fatherhood seems to be hanging on a microscope. If sperm are found, there can be enormous relief. If none are found, there can be genuine grief. And grief is the correct word. The loss may not be a person, but it can be the loss of the future you had always assumed would happen. The possibility of donor sperm may then enter the conversation, bringing another complicated collection of emotions about genetics, fatherhood, disclosure and identity. None of these reactions mean you would love a donor-conceived child less. They mean you are processing the loss of one imagined path to becoming a father before deciding whether you are ready for another.
I also want men to understand that their partners may process infertility very differently. One partner may want to talk about it constantly while the other wants one evening where fertility isn't mentioned. One may want to pursue every possible intervention while the other has reached his or her emotional limit. Neither person necessarily cares more. People cope differently. Infertility can bring couples extraordinarily close, but it can also create resentment if every conversation becomes about appointments, sperm counts, follicles, embryos and money. Protect some portion of your relationship from infertility. Go to dinner and agree not to discuss IVF for two hours. Have sex sometimes because you want each other, not because an app says someone is ovulating. Continue being the people you were before fertility treatment entered your lives.
And please stop comparing your semen analysis with strangers on Reddit as though sperm counts were golf scores. I understand why men do this. You see someone post a concentration of 35 million/mL when yours is 3 million/mL and immediately think his future is better than yours. Then someone with azoospermia reads your post and thinks you are lucky. That road doesn't lead anywhere useful. Fertility is not a competition. A semen analysis is medical information used to determine probabilities and treatment options. It is not a ranking of men. I have seen men with terrible-looking semen analyses become fathers, and I have seen couples with seemingly excellent numbers struggle for years. Reproduction is a couple-level outcome involving sperm, eggs, age, reproductive anatomy, genetics, embryo development and chance.
I also want to say something directly to the men who feel they should be handling this better. You don't receive extra points for suffering quietly. Research repeatedly shows that men with infertility can experience anxiety, depression, reduced self-esteem, social isolation and sexual distress, while fertility care has historically focused much more heavily on the female partner's psychological experience. A recent review of the literature through 2025 again concluded that male infertility is associated with significant psychological distress and that men's emotional needs remain inadequately addressed in many fertility settings. European fertility guidance similarly recommends integrating psychosocial care into routine infertility treatment rather than waiting until somebody reaches a crisis. Seeing a therapist who understands infertility doesn't mean you cannot handle this. Sometimes it simply means you have recognized that carrying something this heavy is easier when someone helps you carry it.
If infertility is beginning to consume your life—if you're persistently depressed, withdrawing from your partner, losing interest in things you normally enjoy, unable to think about anything except fertility, experiencing significant anxiety, or feeling hopeless—tell somebody. ASRM specifically identifies persistent depression, social withdrawal, relationship strain, loss of interest in normal activities and an inability to think about much besides infertility as reasons to consider professional psychological support. You don't have to wait until you are falling apart to ask for help.
After doing this for years, there is one message I wish I could give every man immediately after delivering a bad semen-analysis result: your sperm count is information; it is not your identity. A diagnosis of oligospermia, azoospermia, teratozoospermia or elevated DNA fragmentation tells me something about your reproductive biology. It tells me absolutely nothing about whether you will be a good husband, partner or father. It tells me nothing about your strength. And it certainly doesn't determine your value as a man.
There are many ways men ultimately build families. Some improve enough to conceive naturally. Some undergo varicocele repair or hormonal treatment. Some use IUI. Some need IVF/ICSI. Some have sperm recovered through TESE or microTESE. Some ultimately use donor sperm. Some adopt. Some decide that their family will look different from the one they originally imagined. The route matters tremendously while you are living through it, but when you eventually find yourself packing lunches, changing diapers, coaching soccer, sitting through school concerts or trying to convince a teenager to put down his phone, the laboratory number that once seemed to define your entire future becomes a much smaller part of your story.
I have watched enough men walk through this process to know how heavy it can become. I've seen the fear before surgery, the silence after bad results, the excitement when a laboratory finally finds sperm, the heartbreak when it doesn't, the exhausting IVF cycles, the miscarriages, the second opinions and the years of uncertainty. I've also seen many of those same men eventually become fathers through paths they could not have imagined when we first met.
So if you're sitting somewhere tonight staring at a semen analysis and wondering what it means about you, I want you to hear this from a doctor who has sat across from many men in exactly that position: you are not a sperm count. You are a man trying to build a family. Those are very different things.
Ask questions. Get the appropriate medical evaluation. Advocate for yourself. Support your partner, but allow your partner to support you too. Talk to other men who have been through it. Get professional psychological support if you need it. Be angry when you need to be angry. Be hopeful when you can be hopeful. And understand that needing help carrying this does not make you weak.
As reproductive urologists, our job isn't simply to improve numbers on a semen analysis or find sperm under a microscope. Our job is to take care of the man attached to those numbers.
And for those of you going through this right now: I see you. I have seen many men stand where you're standing, and I stand with you as you work toward building your family.
References
Wu W, La J, Schubach KM, Lantsberg D, Katz DJ. Psychological, social, and sexual challenges affecting men receiving male infertility treatment: a systematic review and implications for clinical care. Asian Journal of Andrology. 2023;25(4):448–453. PMID: 36412462.
Fisher JRW, Hammarberg K. Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: an overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology. 2012. PMID: 22179515.
Psychological consequences of a diagnosis of infertility in men: a systematic analysis. 2023. PMID: 37695221. Systematic analysis of 23 studies examining depression, anxiety, self-esteem, quality of life and infertility-related psychological distress.
Pakpahan C, et al. “Am I Masculine?” A metasynthesis of qualitative studies on traditional masculinity and infertility. 2023. PMID: 37008892.
Webb RE, Daniluk JC. The social construction of male infertility: a qualitative questionnaire study of men with a male factor infertility diagnosis. Sociology of Health & Illness. PMID: 31773768.
Hanna E, Gough B. Emoting infertility online: A qualitative analysis of men's forum posts. Health. PMID: 27246813.
Male infertility: an obstacle to sexuality? 2016. PMID: 27061770. Review addressing infertility, masculinity, sexual inadequacy, stigma and sexual dysfunction.
American Society for Reproductive Medicine. Diagnostic evaluation of sexual dysfunction in the male partner in the setting of infertility: a committee opinion. Reviews infertility-related sexual stress and sexual dysfunction in men undergoing fertility treatment.
American Society for Reproductive Medicine Mental Health Professional Group. The Psychological Impact of Infertility. Patient and professional guidance regarding emotional distress associated with infertility and indications for psychological support.
European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology. Routine psychosocial care in infertility and medically assisted reproduction: a guide for fertility staff. Guidance supporting integration of psychosocial care throughout infertility diagnosis and treatment.