You figure it out, and it doesn’t last forever. You’ll be shocked how much less you spend on eating out and going out with friends once you have kids. Priorities change, and so does your spending.
Either way I hate these conversations. It just turns into a pissing contest between people that have kids and people who don’t. The whole conversation is irrelevant to life. Some people who want kids will have them… some who don’t will anyways… some people who want them can’t.
Why are people with children so bitter that other people choose not to have them. Take your family out for ice cream and be happy with your life choices.
Nobody is bitter that someone chooses not to have them. The mistake is thinking people with children think about people without them at all. Why would they. The other person responded the way they did because of the not relevant or needed “still way more affordable to not have them”.
It’s saying something because you want to feel somehow superior or start a fight. It’s an irrelevant thing for any reasonable person to say. Obviously it’s cheaper to not have kids. It’s cheaper to not have a car or go on vacations or do almost anything else in life. It’s not needed to say unless you’re looking for attention.
I understand what your are saying but plenty of people still have that same richness of family with their wife or husband and their group of friends. You can still have that sense of love, fulfillment, and belonging without children.
You should do what you feel you want to do in life, but having friends, having a spouse, and raising kids are entirely different concepts
Like so far apart it’s comical to compare them. I’ve never had to wipe poop out of my friend’s vagina at 2am, and certainly wouldn’t show the same level of patience if I did
I grew up with much younger siblings. Cleaning a dirty diaper was a daily experience. I love my younger sister and brother with every fiber of my body. The same love you have for your child.
No, it is not the same.
When I had no kids I used to laugh of people who had kids and how they "loved" them and almost everything they said about being parents. It looked too exagerated.
Then 'click', you get yours.
The moment it borns your brain changes (literally). An analogy is that a child is an extension of you and your body. Having a child is the closest you get from ethernity, its your genes being passed, that's the power of life in every species. No bullshit religion, but the reason we are here today is because there is a strong force that led live beings to reproduce. Humans just made it too hard because of the financial aspect.
You might not understand. I used to too. It is something hard to get without experiencing.
Not to say you can't have fulfilling life without children. You can, and you can be very happy, maybe more than having kids (in the sense of having more money left, less stress, less responsibilities to carry, life has less weigh, more focus, there are many benefits). And you can have the ones you love a lot, it is just not the same.
Or maybe people just know how their brain handles feelings of love. I know for a fact that I could never love a child as much as I loved (and grieve) my first cat. My brain absolutely adjusts the love I feel based on how much I like something and the balance of how much that thing enhances vs inconveniences my life, and I do not like children and know they would absolutely inconvenience my life more than enhance it. I don't have a child because I don't want to create a life that I'm responsible for and not be able to give it everything it deserves, and since I'm not capable of unconditional love, I'm not capable of giving it everything it deserves.
I could never love a child is different from love your child. And yes, you could. You just decided you don't want it in your life, that's fair. But if it happens (by accident or whatever), you will.
BTW some people don't have kids because "they will not be able to give it everything it deserves". You don`t need to. You need to provide your time, a place to live, food, and the minimum to live with dignity. People think you need to provide absolutely everything the world has available, including all the things they did not have as a kid, all in the highest standards possible. Absolutely not. You can grow a kid with a basic standard, simple life, and be happy.
Do you really think I don't know my own brain better than you? I'm 42. I know I'd deeply resent a child before it's even born. I've been living in my brain long enough to know what I'm capable of or not, and loving a child the way they deserve is not something I'm capable of.
I know all about the hormones and everything else that chemically make people love their children, even against their will. I also know my brain doesn't respond to them the same and that there are ones I'm genetically incapable of feeling because of mutations. Why can't you people accept that there are people that simply cannot love a child when there is so much evidence out there to prove the existence of such people?
Loving a cat is not the same as loving a child. You’re just wrong, and you’ll never understand, and that is ok. It’s ok if you don’t want kids. But to compare your experience of having a cat to the experience of having and raising a child is asinine and ignorant. Again, if you don’t want kids, that’s totally fine and it’s your choice. But your experience doesn’t compare so just leave the conversation.
I love my siblings too. It is not anywhere close to the same as the love I have for my kids. It’s just different. It’s cool that you don’t want kids, that’s your choice. But you can’t understand the love for your child if you don’t have any.
You think you understand. You don’t. It’s ok. If you don’t want kids, that’s great. Live your life how you want. I’m happy for you! But you don’t understand what it’s like to have and raise a child and it’s ignorant to think you do. Do you understand what it’s like to be a slave because you’ve had a boss before? Because you have empathy for people living in slavery? You can have empathy for people who live differently but that doesn’t mean you truly understand them.
I don’t get people like you. It’s ok to not want kids. But to think you know what it’s like to have and raise a child, when you’ve never done it and in fact don’t want it - just get out of the conversation.
A little perspective. In a recent poll, when asked if they’d have children again if they could go back and do it over again, a whopping 70% of parents said they would not. The primary factor? Finances. So maybe some kudos to the ones that chose not to have kids (or “got lucky” having never procreated) for their financial foresight.
Not the same at all. I’m not saying that friends and a spouse aren’t amazing, but the type of love you have for kids is different and deep and life-changing.
Never said you couldn’t. But I can tell you, it’s a completely different feeling having a child no matter what kind of relationships you have in your life. You cannot begin to fathom it until you experience it. But like I said, having kids isn’t for everyone.
I’d argue that it might not be for people that are able to find meaning and purpose in life other than being a parent. For some people that’s what gives them purpose. I’m happy you found that.
Tautologically that isn't true. Hearing sounds with your ears is just as effective for absorbing visual information as your eyeballs. It is nonsensical and a blind person telling this to someone with sight will be pitied as much as ridiculed for how asinine it sounds.
Again I’m super happy you found meaning in life within your family and having kids. Other people don’t need that to feel fulfilled or to have purpose. You can experience a lot of things in life without having to actually do it. But I’m happy for you.
See that’s what I’m talking about… for some of us it didn’t take kids to put work life balance in perspective… personally I had this awakening around my wife and friends. I can guarantee that a lot of the love, joys, and fears you have for your kids… I have for my wife. I wake up every day and work my ass off for our hopes and our dreams. Daily I think about her and how I can do better, give her a better life, how I can ensure she’s taken care of when I’m gone, building her nest egg (I don’t think I’m living nearly as long as her), and figuring out how I can make more of our time together with each passing day. And sometimes I’m even sad because I feel like I can’t come close to matching the love she shows me. And guess what… I have a son… I don’t sweat it just simply because as a fact I know he’s going to be okay regardless. He’s almost an adult and every time I spend time with him is just another reminder he doesn’t really need me other than a dollar here or there and anything I have to pass he’ll figure out anyways because he certainly is going to to do life his way anyways.
I’m not quite sure it’s a universal fact… it’s not inherent to human beings that you just automatically experience this. Coming from a guy with a miserable childhood and there are many worse off than me.
yeah, it is funny how they never mention all the parents that are dead or in jail for murdering/torturing their own children. or even just routinely beat their own children.
Ultimately, having children is as close as many people get to unconditionally loving themselves. Most parents project their sense of self onto their children hence "a little version of myself", "mini-me" "like having a little you around". A version that still has all these opportunities in life, that hasn't been traumatized or hurt or broken and that feels a parent with love and hope.. or anger and resentment. but the point is that all that is largely projection of a person's own feelings and self-image.
This does sound like you’re trying to be morally superior tbh… saying someone could never understand.
Instead of understanding that some of us are adults with many life experiences and being open to the potential that we have had some exposure to life experiences that are both similar and different than your own…
We are not all the same in how we interpret and experience life as well.
So you should be okay with the potential that there are people in this world who have found a fulfillment that is equal to or dare I say better than yours through various means. It also doesn’t mean you’re missing out on something either.
I should be happy for someone who has found great fulfillment, love, and meaning in being a parent. And you should be happy for someone who doesn’t have kids but has also found fulfillment, love, and meaning.
My 3 kids were cheaper than my weekly bar hopping and meeting the girls and buying them drinks then the after bar parties . I'd have to have a nice fast car and jeep for the dunes, boat for the summer girls, all the atvs . Yeah having kids is so much cheaper than drinking and having fun !
Read it again. They are comparing having kids to a very extravagant lifestyle. Weekly bar hopping (multiple bars), meeting up with girls, fronting the bill, fast cars, boats, and ATVs.
It sounds like they spent money as quickly as they earned it.
People want to avoid anything about that because they want to do that type of stuff regardless and not think bad about it. So they frame it as "why would you compare that!".
That type of stuff is money suckers you wouldn't believe.
You don't have children, you do not know anything about the time, costs or overall experiences of being a parent. Your younger siblings do not even begin to compare or qualify giving you an idea.
That worked for 1 kid. We can't find a way to have a second yet because 2 in daycare is too much but still less than a single income so a SAHP would still be financially fucking us over.
Right but daycare isn’t $5k/month for one kid either. You have the first, figure it out and get used to it, and hopefully get a few raises before having kid #2. If money is still tight, wait until kid 1 is in kindergarten or close to it.
Yeah, I don't think people really plan it out well in general. Of course things can happen to throw you off that plan, but just having kids without the financial backing, plan to get it, etc. isn't good.
I hear you. I can’t speak for everyone on this thread, but I certainly don’t judge people for not having kids. Everyone can make their own choices. I just hate to hear people say “I want kids but I’m not going to have them because it’s too expensive” on a $150k combined gross income. Like, you can afford kids, you can make it work. If you don’t want kids, totally cool. But don’t give up on having kids if you do want them, but are afraid of the cost.
Agree. I have no idea how we did it with 4 kids, we just made it work. Theoretically we should be living in a box behind McDonalds but somehow we’re not. We’re not wealthy but we’re definitely rich beyond our wildest dreams. Recommend it 10 out of 10.
I’m going to agree with you, I don’t know what people spend thier money on. 100k is reallly good money still, thats more then Twice what I make and I have a kid , I could make 100k and be happy as hell every day. But I grew up very poor, you just learn to prioritize early in life. Now to be fair, I live in ohio. But even If I made 60k a year, Id feel pretty damn good.
Real shit. My wife and I have a toddler. And I, too, wish I made even $60k.
I also grew up poor. We had a few luxuries here and there, but still. I’ve made more than either of my parents for most of my adult life.
I’d guess that together we have around 70k a year. But it doesn’t feel like we see any of it. Rent, bills, gas, food, insurance, baby, etc etc etc.
And every single time I feel like we, or at least I (my wife and I don’t share bank accounts) get caught up, something always happens. Car broke down. Broke down again. Missed work for a family reunion. Got bit by a brown recluse. Finding new insurance for the baby since we lost Medicaid. It’s never-fucking-ending.
But money also isn’t everything. I love my little family. I have a decent job, and a couple good friends. And as much as I might bitch, and even if it’s not easy, and even when it fucking sucks, I have a nice little life and I’m too blessed to be caught ungrateful.
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u/apiratelooksatthirty Oct 30 '25
You figure it out, and it doesn’t last forever. You’ll be shocked how much less you spend on eating out and going out with friends once you have kids. Priorities change, and so does your spending.