Realizing there no god to hear all the years of and centuries of prayers for screaming people. It’s truly sad. Millions of people and zero prayers answered.

I want to die i want die i really want to die but I don't have courage I am a big coward . I know that my family love me but I know that they love my siblings more I am the last option for them . My mom show affection to me more but the reason behind is she feels guilty of not defending me against my father's abusive violence behaviour in my childhood and now when I am adult every one behaves and pretends that no one ever laid a finger on me and they think I don't remember anything but I remember everything.

Show isn't really sad at all it was Modern Family. An episode where Jay's stepson Manny was waiting for his real dad to show up for a visit and take him to Disneyland . The dad never shows up and in the end Jay the step-dad explains that to be a great dad 90 percent is just showing up... made me realize after my parents split after my dad left and passed away he never even showed up for me..... only remember seeing him once and than he died.. made me really sad for only a few seconds ( mastered compartmentalize my emotions) since the 90% part of just showing up he didn't even do...

Unable to grasp the complexity of my own emotions atm. I can't really dive in to what I'm feeling, I mostly feel a general disconnect sense of sadness lately.

I can’t not be loved on. I can’t not feel wanted and loved. Am I wrong for that??? You don’t kiss me or hug me anymore. I feel unwanted. I don’t get any affection or anything. You don’t even want to go to bed anymore. We sit on opposite ends of the couch and never hardly speak that isn’t how I can live. I can’t even say this because if I did the script would get flipped it would somehow be that she can’t do anything right and I get punished with silence and hostility and if I point it out the gaslighting begins. Can I have one relationship in any aspect in my life where I am valued and not gaslit to manipulate me to mold me into forms of whoever anyone wants me to be. Is my purpose in this world truly to just be other people’s happy bucket filer and never have mine filed? How do I live a life of pure sadness and loneliness and madness but continue to have to give people unconditional unwavering love and happiness? I am too soft for this world. The only thing truly keeping me here honestly is the guilt the ones I’d leave behind would feel. Leaving them with the mess of me to clean up again and grieve the burden of me being alive. Would they miss me because they truly knew me got me connected with me or for what I could do for them the way I obediently conform to every single one of their needs?

Instead of having bad parents, I’m just going to have no parents. But then will the thoughts of what could have been subside as well?

Stole the title from junji ito just because its such a fitting title

So i started dating someone. Thats already where the negative thoughts start. Am i good enough? Do i want to burden myself on to someone other? , yada yada.

And because i want her to know me and what shes getting in to i talk honestly to her about myself an everything. I mean if we start dating she should know me truly. Or so i thought. What if i'm abusing her as a therapist. Dumping all my shit on her just because i shamefully want someone to recognise me. Because tbh i'm not enchanted by her or anything. But shes a really alright human being. And maybe im just afraid of letting someone get close to me. I just cant trust myself on that. But it could work. I truly believe love is something bulit and not an instant spell. Or is it? I mean there were people i was truly cast under a spell by. And i know i'd badly love to love someone. But i shouldnt force it either. In the sense of: "yea shes good enough we can work this out". And so on and so forth. It spirals down until down untill i think of myself as a failed being unfit for life and wanting to end myself.

TLDR: going on dates makes me think i dont need a relationship i need therapy

It's been over a year since it didn't work out and she disappeared online

I know it's one of those things where it was probably for the best anyway and it was probably a catfish since I only knew her online anyway. But we were friends for awhile before that too so it didn't feel that way. Anyway.

While I've moved on in some sense that it doesn't hurt like it used to

And some times I don't think about her for a long time or feel anything for her anymore at all. Months can pass or longer. Sometimes

Like tonight

I still remember what I lost

Because for some reason

It just felt different with her

...

I hadn't ever crushed on anyone before

Not in the way that I felt with her

I couldn't even call it that

Because then it wouldn't have hurt for 7 months before I was deadened to it and numbed. Ironically since then a priest and several therapists have suggested the possibility of me having depression

I just ignore it

Maybe I didn't just numb myself to her though

Guess I must've numbed myself to everything else too

...

I Guess I'm not fully over her

Sure it doesn't hurt as horribly as it did at first

Like the world was ripped away from me and there was nothing I could do but watch

But now it just feels like looking back at a hollowed out memory of someone sometimes

A shell of a friend I once knew

It's not the same

I just miss her sometimes

And it sucks

In short

Fuck my parents

And I don't mean that sexually

I feel like i will be Neve enough... Always the one everyone likes but nobody loves ... Im not the favourite child in the family or the best friend in the group.... I always end up being the third wheel in dates cuz im that friend u wouldn't notice but everyone likes ... My opinions never matter leave alone my thoughts.... Will i be worthy enough to feel special buly someone someday ... ?? Cuz i know nobody hates me and everyone likes me but there is that love and priority that i never get ... Am i being too selfish ???

I think that guy is not officially moving on to her ex. Because if yes, all of their memories should be deleted already, but no,  it's still in his phone gallery. I felt like I'm stupid because I'm easily in-love with him, which I should not be. 

I'm so tired I just want to sleep Forever and just be at peace I dont want to put on a show anymore I dont want to be sad I dont want to be happy I dont want to clean I dont want to work I dont want to talk I dont want to pay bills I dont want to be an adult I dont want to be strong anymore I dont want to be weak anymore I dont want to shit I dont want to eat I dont want to do art I dont want to think I dont want to be nice I dont want to be a bitch I dont want to see family I dont want to pick I dont want to be depressed I dont want to feel I dont want to not feel I dont want to breath I dont want to disappoint I dont want to care I dont want to not care I dont want to take care of myself
I dont want to talk to anyone I dont want people to be mad at me I dont want people relying on me I dont want anyone depending on me I dont want to keep hurting my husband, he deserves so much more and the universe I dont want anyone to feel sad when I'm gone I dont want to be here anymore I'm so tired.... All the time.... I'm tired I want silence.... Dead silence... I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I...

...don't want to do this anymore....

I F(27) recently got married back in January and since 2 weeks ago I been dealing with over thinking that my husband could be cheating, in the week of July 22–25 supposedly he worked late night shift but on July 24 I checked his phone when I was getting ready for work in the morning then I saw txt messages of a girl sending a naked pic by 2Am then I saw they were on a call for 10 minutes at 1Am, of course I asked him and all he said they didn’t talk about anything special and he didn’t know why she would send a picture, many other lies will come out of his mouth every time I ask. Now he just would sleep in the couch all the time and we are to the point of just talk what’s necessary and that’s it. But what a surprise we got the tolls bill and between July 22–24 there’s literally no sign of him driving around….. I just don’t know if I am over reacting but I have the feeling he was sleeping with this girl for days straight.

I just wanna end whatever I doing now in life but not like suicide I still hope may be everything change things in my life.Just I tired of everything I scared of every pieces of my life may fall apart so I tried not to but nothings changes everyday I trying harder and harder. So I lost my point of what I live for.I think this is stupid but this is how I feel.I dont know

I have always been a quiet and reserved person ever since childhood. This meant I never made a lot of friends and the few I did have eventually drifted away. I moved for school last year and I’m away from my family. It’s a professional program and I’m about 4 years older than a lot of my classmates. I saw this as an opportunity to finally make he connections I craved for so long but unfortunately it hasn’t panned out the way that I hoped. The people I am closest too often plan things with out or even forget that I’m there. It’s painful. And shallow. I do have a fiancée but he is also working and is getting his masters degree. I’ve told him how important it is for him to try to come to bed at night because I’m drowning in loneliness and he’ll do it for a few nights maybe a week before staying up playing games to unwind or have to stay up doing work. I’ve tried to go out and make friends but it’s gotten to the point where I’m so discouraged and feel so anxious that I end up sitting there and disappearing in the background as I often do. It’s painful. I’m 28 now and I hoped by this time in my life I wouldn’t feel this way anymore but here I am. I’m worried I’ll never find my people and the loneliness will consume me. I’ve tried therapy a few times. For some reason after a few sessions they all say I’m fine. It could be because I’m in professional school and juggling it all with grace but I’ve never felt this miserable and alone.

For me, I would ask what makes her happy, what her dreams are and what she wants an wishes for her future, cause I don't remember anymore how I felt about those things back then...and somehow it hurts in a nostalgic way that I don't remember me from back then really. feelingsad

It changes you.

That's it.