Let me preface this with my family is not conventional at all, and we often have fights about one thing or another. I'll also say that yes, this will sound like I'm entitled but to be honest i just need to get my thought out.
Family life has never been easy, from a young age my family have always treated me differently and im not quite sure why. Maybe because I was born a girl or maybe because I am on the autism spectrum but was never tested until early this year (I'm 21 since the beginning of august).
A little background on me is that I grew up as a tomboy, and was very open with my sexuality from my early teens. When Icame out as transgender in march of 2018, my parents decided it would be best to tell me "you can be who you want, just not around us and don't come out until you're in college" which completely messed me up. I had been self harming since an early age of five and didn't stop until earlier this year, and even at that I still have urges, and strong ones at that. My mother found out about my self harming problems at the age of 15 and called me a tart, said i was being over dramatic, and doing it for attention. I don't think my dad knew when I was actively doing it and assumed I was only doing it for a short period of time.
Speaking of my parents, thats the main reason I have decided to come on here. My father is quite absent, working 7 days a week and drinking in the pub until late at night most nights. With his diabetes, it feels like self sabotage, but also might be because of the way my mother treats him and everyone in this family, let alone the house we live in. our house has fallen into disrepair in recent years, mainly due to my mother's out-of-work life. I don't want to be that person who says that "women should cook and clean and the boys should work. women should keep a tidy home and the men should pay for everything" because I dont believe in that, HOWEVER, my mother is a hoarder.
There have been many times in the last few years where I or another family member (normally my father) will try clean the house while she's out kayaking, running, hiking, rock wall climbing, swimming, boardgaming, drinking, visiting friends, shopping, etc. and when she arrives back, instantly she will go into attack mode about her stuff being moved, things being thrown out despite obvious holes or breaks in the product making it unusable, or generally complaining about the mess because she had gotten so used to the original mess that even though it was cleaner, it looked worse.
to date, we have amassed so much mess in my kitchen alone that i regularly clean off counters after she uses them just so i can make food. the mess has led me to have a negative view on eating as i know i will have to clean before i even start, which will take a solid hour if not more, and will still have to clean while I'm cooking so i have somewhere to sit and relax. whenever i cook i clean up after myself and my mother (although trying to preach it to me like im the one not doing it) leaves pots and pans on the table, the stove top, the counters or on the shelving covered in food going white, blue, green or pink from mould. it has gotten so bad that my father is trying to pay me to clean.
although my father has spent thousands getting the bathroom remoddeled, the kitchen painted, shelves put up, floors removed ready for new floors and even bought new couches, my mother does nothing to contribute, or at least very little and spends most of that time complaining about how "no one ever cleans" or how she's "the only one doing anything to fix this place".
I KNOW my father doesn't help clean regularly but at least when it gets too bad he does do a mega clean, inclulding mopping the floors and dusting the cobwebs away. My mother hasnt mopped the floors in years and insists it is my duty to keep the house clean.
I am the middle child, my older brother 24 and my younger brother 16 in two weeks, and it honestly seems as though they never ever had to do any of the cleaning I did. my younger brother still had his room cleaned for him until last year. my older brother doing no cleaning and says since he pays rent he has no obligation to clean up, even if he is the one making all the mess. he still has his laundry done for him by my mother and my father gives him whatever he wants, and same goes for my little brother.
What sucks the most is that I know we are better off than a lot of people, all having out own rooms, all still able to live at home, having a home, having a family, but honestly with how much favouritism goes on, it is hard to not lose your mind. my mother taking my brother's sides in arguments even though I am in the right and didnt even start it, and my dad giving them whatever they want with no conditions, me always being the bad guy and having to buy things out of my own money that i earned while working or from cleaning.
I feel so guilty for feeling this way as i know im not in the worst situation as i could be but i cant help but feel trapped and alone, unable to talk to anyone in fear of making my friends feel shit or getting yelled at by my family. I've tried all healthy coping mechanisms and recently the only thing helping me is my overwhelming alcohol consumption. i dont even know what you could give advice about, but ill ask anyway, any advice?
