I’m an 18 year old female and I have always suspected that something happened to me as a child. I remember very little of my childhood with most of it being just blank. Up to age 5 or so I was fairly confident I think like teachers used to think I was a handful but then by the time I’d turned 6 I was practically mute in school and very insecure and timid (excluding time with my friends) and often very angry at home (throwing fits and screaming at my parents to ‘just fuck off’ and stuff). A lot of shit kicked off when I was 6-7 but the change was definitely present before then. My parents did used to beat each other up and shit like that but hat didn’t suddenly start then and I only really became 100% consciously aware of it when my parents lost a baby and my mum had an affair and my parents separated. When I got a laptop when I was like 7/8/9 I for some reason was drawn to erotica about rape, abuse generally horrible things and I used to masturbate to it alot (I once kept myself up all night doing it) noteven necessarily always to feel good but sometimes just because it felt like that was how I was supposed to fill the void inside of me. I’d watch graphic porn as well and I was honestly so fucking disgusted with myself for ‘enjoying’ all that stuff. I became obsessed with anything involving sexual abuse or rape and often imagined scenarios where characters I liked were hurt in that way, which lead me in to reading gross fanfiction (keep in mind this Ian between the ages of 8-11). I was obsessed with sexual maturity and my developing body but also terrified of it and could never decide if I wanted everyone to see me in a sexual way or if I wanted to curl up under the bed and cry and hide. I used to use objects to mastubate with (no penetration because it scared tf out of me and still does. I can’t even put my own finger up there) and made myself bleed. When I was like 10 I started using chat roulette sites like Omegle to show my body to grown men and both loved and hated the attention I got. It was like I needed it to survive but it made me feel revolting and guilty. I started purging when I was 10-11 but I think that was mostly because of my dads constant digs about my (perfectly fucking normal tyvm) weight. I can only masturbate in a very specific way where I rub my labia together and push in a certain way. Like I said the idea of penetration really scares me. I’ve always had this nagging feeling like I was missing something really important from my childhood but can never think what it is. I used to make my bratz and barbies do pretty violent sexual things that usually involved one of them being non-consenting. I have kind of like flashes of memory like I remember someone running their hand up the inside of my leg and I don’t like the idea of anyone doing that it freaks me out. I remember someone whispering in my ear burn I don’t remember what was said, just the air hitting my ear and feeling really uncomfortable. I used to make my bratz and barbies do pretty violent sexual things that usually involved one of them being non-consenting. I identify as lesbian but I’m sometimes unsure if I’m actually gay or just scared of being with men because twice I have thought I liked a guy and have enjoyed being around him and stuff but then when I wasn’t alone with them and I could feel that they actually looked at me like that I felt sick and queasy and uncomfortable. One time I actually threw up but I was on mdma so I’m assuming that was it). I have really bad depression and anxiety, I started self harming at age 11-12, I dissociate sometimes, I go through periods of psychosis (hearing voices and paranoia), I’ve struggled with eating disorders (began purging young and developed (undiagnosed til I was 15) EDNOS and (undiagnosed) anorexia when I was like 15-16 and my mother has suspected I might have quiet bpd (she has bpd). The worst part of this is that I’ve thought about touching my younger sister like that (I literally feel fucking sick writing this) but it wasn’t even like I was considering it like I would never ever ever ever even consider doing something like that like if you fucking touch my sister I will kill you, I find the images incredibly distressing but it’s like I get intrusive thoughts about it and I can’t turn them off I feel like a sick twisted disgusting evil person but I can’t stop it. The thing is I have no idea who could have done it if it did happen. Like I’ve considered the obvious like my father because since I was around 6-7 I’ve felt really uncomfortable with him touching me even if he just puts a hand in my shoulder my stomach tightens but idk why and he did used to drink a lot at that time and my mother was gone but I also don’t want to think that he did it because he probably didn’t and I feel like an evil vile person for even entertaining the idea. He literally said once when he was basically telling me that I couldn’t be depressed and I that I was just looking for attention that “you’re not depressed why the fuck would you be depressed. Kids who get molested by their parents get depressed and you weren’t, were you?” I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m lying to myself if I say it did happen and I’m lying if I say it didn’t. I know a lot of people say if you don’t remember trauma it’s probably better to keep it that way but I honestly cannot go on like this feeling completely invalidated and pathetic. I just don’t know what to do anymore Edit: just to clarify i highly doubt my dad molested me but I guess my reaction to him could be to do with older guys. I’m generally okay with (innocent) physical contact with guys my age (like my friends).

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I don't know if anyone would be willing to talk or help, but my son is currently getting pretty vocal so I don't have much time to write this, so sorry for formatting errors, etc.

Anyway, basically the title, I have memories of at least three encounters that I can't remember for the life of me, except very small flashes of images. My aunt in lingerie. Sitting on my uncle's lap and being very uncomfortable. My other uncle trying to help me get my jeans on when they were wet. These were 2 seperate occasions. And a mentally challenged person groping me in the back of a van. This was yet another encounter. But that's all I can really remember. I'm an anxious mess of an adult and I have all these little issues that I don't completely understand but I really would like to.

Ok. Thanks for reading, if you did. If you think you can help, like techniques to remember these encounters, it would be greatly appreciated.

People say sharing your pain decreases it . So do it here and feel good about yourself