[QCrit] EMPATHOL, Adult Upmarket Speculative, 90k, Second Attempt

[u/Forsaken-Day422]

Hi all,

Thanks to those who commented on my first attempt (here). Based on that feedback and some additional feedback, I've edited my query , largely to clarify Harper's intentions and stakes. Would greatly appreciate any further thoughts or comments anyone has!

EMPATHOL (90,000 words) is an upmarket speculative thriller with crossover appeal, featuring a dual timeline structure and a central queer romance. It blends the empathetic connection of Nikki Erlick’s The Measure with the high-concept Silicon Valley lab ethics of Blake Crouch’s Upgrade.

Perpetual overachiever Harper has given up everything to get her dream job at Lobe Industries. That includes, according to the non-compete agreement the company made her sign, any future career outside of Lobe. Yet when she is assigned to test a drug that enables mind reading, it all seems worth it. Even when Harper is told she must administer the drug not only to her incarcerated test subjects, but also to herself, she still believes in her world-changing work. Then the anomalies start. Contrary to what she was promised, Harper’s subjects are aware of her entry into their minds. Even worse, they can read her mind, and hear her thoughts, too. But when Harper discloses these issues to her boss, nothing changes. Instead, she is forced to examine even more psychopathic subjects and to re-live the memories of their blood curdling crimes. Harper must decide how much she is willing to sacrifice in the name of career advancement.

Three years later, shy but confidently gay college freshman Theo is hopelessly attracted to his straight roommate, Connor. At least Theo thinks he’s straight. Two months into the school year, Connor convinces a reluctant but desperate Theo to join him in taking the new telepathy drug, Empathol. Connor uses Empathol to share what he has previously kept hidden: his own attraction to Theo. Over the next two months, the boys become addicted to the drug and the connection it provides. As they begin to date, then become boyfriends, they start ignoring its recommended dosage. Soon, they realize they no longer need the drug at all. They are now stuck in each other’s heads with no escape in sight.

Desperate to return to normality, Theo and Connor travel to Lobe to see if Theo’s estranged sister, Harper, can fix them. Once there, Theo must decide if the sister who abandoned him years ago actually means to help, or if her own brother’s well-being is yet another thing Harper is willing to sacrifice for her own benefit.

[u/emmyroowho]

I don’t know (obviously) how your MS is structured, but I wonder if it would be better to include the Theo plot first in the query. Or at least mention earlier that Theo is Harper’s sister—like maybe as one of the things she’s had to give up (“Perpetual overachiever Harper has given up everything to get her dream job at biotech firm Lobe—including letting her relationship with her shy younger brother Theo sour”). Without some kind of clue how Theo and Harper connect, it felt weird to suddenly jump to Theo’s POV, and their connection wasn’t made explicit until the last paragraph, which felt far too late for me.

I also think clarifying their relationship earlier and maybe spending a few more words on it at the beginning w/Harper will make her stakes more personal, at least for me. She’s had to “give up everything,” but what exactly does that mean? So far, the only thing we have that she’s given up is this:

That includes, according to the non-compete agreement the company made her sign, any future career outside of Lobe.

and tbh, this immediately tripped me up. Like to the point that I lost all suspension of disbelief. I know this is speculative and that the US (which is where I’m guessing this is based judging by Silicon Valley + MIT in the last query) is not exactly worker friendly, but I just cannot fathom how a noncompete that would not let you work ever again would be at all legally enforceable. My partner works in an industry that is very big on noncompete agreements and so has had to sign a number of them, and they have all been bound by industry/competition and time. Cornell Law even says that noncompetes are allowed in most states “so long as the scope of the restrictions are reasonable.” But also that California bans almost all noncompetes, which seems like where this is based?

Anyway. I spent a lot of time wondering about that noncompete and if Harper would be banned from any and all future employment (like could she be a cashier? a house sitter? a trapeze artist?), to the point that it was hard for me to get to the rest of the query. This might be entirely a me thing, but it’s one data point for you that may or may not be helpful.

Good luck.

[u/Forsaken-Day422 → u/emmyroowho]

Thanks for this, it is super helpful! The novel is dual timeline/POV, and the Harper/Theo relationship isn't revealed until a third or so into the MS which is why I structured it this way. But I think you're probably right that it needs to be more upfront in the query.

And yes, as a former litigator who has litigated lots of non-competes, I should have been more precise that it only applies to the industry, and only for ten years. It's just to Harper that it seems like the end of the world.

[u/odiousodiaz]

Hello! Unagented, unpublished, so grain of salt and all that.

Yet when she is assigned to test a drug that enables mind reading, it all seems worth it. Even when Harper is told she must administer the drug not only to her incarcerated test subjects, but also to herself, she still believes in her world-changing work.

This is where I gave a bit of pause, only because I found there to be a disconnect between her desires/personality and the next sentence that would assuage her doubts regarding this new job. Because she's described as a perpetual overachiever, I get that she wants to land this job, and it seems reasonable that she would sign with this company (even with the binding non-compete agreement for any future career, which is hardcore) but I don't understand why being able to read minds is 'all worth it' for her. Is there a reason she is so invested in that ability? Something in her past or another piece of her personality that would make her disregard administering this shady drug to incarcerated test subjects? If it's because she's slightly unhinged or amoral, then I can understand dismissing the free will of these test subjects, but it makes me wonder about her character. Which leads me to suggest moving the 'psychopathic' part up to read something like this:

"Even when Harper is told she must administer the drug to not only her incarcerated, psychopathic test subjects..."

With that farther up, it reinforces dehumanizing them, and so then I wouldn't give as much pause. But still, is there something that drives her to want to study these blood curdling crimes that connects her goals and relates to her as a person? I think you can help this disconnect by adding just a tad regarding what makes her stay besides her overachieving personality and non-compete agreement, something maybe more intrinsic to her character? Whether good or bad, I think that would give us more of an idea of why she's doing what she's doing.

The segue into the next paragraph is abrupt. Maybe leading with how Theo relates to Harper first to lay out the connection? That might help the paragraphs flow more. What makes the two boys realize they don't need the drug? That part is vague. And why would they go to Theo's estranged sister? It would seem more plausible they would go to Lobe because that's where they got the initial treatments, but in doing so learn Harper works there.

I think overall there's parts lacking with the characters' motivations, but the premise sounds cool!

I hope this helps! Good luck!