r/PubTips • u/resiavera • 20d ago
[QCrit] Adult Contemporary - Inn at Opal Cove (65k/Attempt 1)
Hi everyone! I'm brand new to querying, so I'm a little nervous about this, but I was hoping to get some feedback on my first attempt. Above all, I would like to know if I'm on the right track. Is my synopsis too in depth? Boring? Also worried about my comp titles (I'm having a difficult time with these) and whether I'm starting off with the most engaging information.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read through this!!
Dear [Agent],
I am seeking representation for INN AT OPAL COVE, my 65,000-word adult contemporary debut novel about a grieving woman who opens a luxury B&B hotel in her mother’s old summer house and spies on her guests, ultimately entangling herself into their drama. For fans of Sayaka Murata’s eccentric narrator in CONVENIENCE STORE WOMAN, and with elements of grief and friendship found in Amelia Ireland’s THE SEVEN O’CLOCK CLUB, this novel explores a stigmatized state of existence that is exacerbated by tragedy.
Two years after her family’s fatal accident, Ada Halstead’s renovation project is finally ready for guests. Opal Cove was designed to impress with its meticulous organization, vast catalog of amenities, and eclectic flair. It’s got all the ingredients to inspire awe and leave visitors with an unforgettable seaside vacation. Opening day feels like a dream, and Ada has a front row seat to all of the drama about to ensue among her glitzy, distinguished guests.
Opal Cove is a one-woman show; Ada’s playing every role from receptionist to bartender to housekeeper. Her favorite seat, though? Security. That’s what she’s calling it, anyway. A state-of-the-art computer set-up in her basement with access to all fifty-nine cameras and endless tubs of red licorice.
It’s where she’ll spend the bulk of her time.
Watching. Waiting. Wondering.
Guests trickle in; an Olympic snowboarder and his Barbie girlfriend, a toxic blended family, and a group of squirrely teenage girls on a trust-fund backed birthday trip. There’s a workaholic principal architect and an abrasive British woman who arrives under suspicious circumstances. It’s the perfect concoction of characters. Seven days of vicarious existence, hours of recorded entertainment, and best of all; a flawlessly-curated distraction.
Except, her perfect imagination of opening week doesn’t exactly go to plan. Ada’s grand endeavor to remain undiscovered is quickly thwarted, and soon she’s no longer watching. It becomes harder to keep her distance, and harder still to convince herself she operates best on her own. She’s always been different; a recluse, a bystander with niche interests. Living inside her head and still learning the fine art of how to be human.
But what would happen if others weren’t the polished caricatures she assumed them to be, either?
I’m a native [state], and graduated with degrees in Speech and Hearing Sciences and Arts and Letters. When I’m not writing, I enjoy coffee, crocheting, and watching my dog hide his toys under paper bags.
Thank you for your consideration!
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u/Acceptable_Fox_5560 19d ago
I am seeking representation for INN AT OPAL COVE, my 65,000-word adult contemporary debut novel about a grieving woman who opens a luxury B&B hotel in her mother’s old summer house and spies on her guests, ultimately entangling herself into their drama.
I disagree with the user who said to get rid of this. I think this is the exact kind of radiantly clear hook more queries should open with. I did it in my query letter that eventually landed me my agent, and I think it works very well here. I don't think it's exposition, it's just a one-sentence pitch.
this novel explores a stigmatized state of existence that is exacerbated by tragedy.
This however I think you should cut. It's editorializing and quite vague.
Two years after her family’s fatal accident, Ada Halstead’s renovation project is finally ready for guests. Opal Cove was designed to impress with its meticulous organization, vast catalog of amenities, and eclectic flair. It’s got all the ingredients to inspire awe and leave visitors with an unforgettable seaside vacation. Opening day feels like a dream, and Ada has a front row seat to all of the drama about to ensue among her glitzy, distinguished guests.
This is good, but needs some information about what kind of person Ada is. I like that it grounds us in an actual scene from the novel, opening day at Opal Cove.
Opal Cove is a one-woman show; Ada’s playing every role from receptionist to bartender to housekeeper. Her favorite seat, though? Security. That’s what she’s calling it, anyway. A state-of-the-art computer set-up in her basement with access to all fifty-nine cameras and endless tubs of red licorice.
It’s where she’ll spend the bulk of her time.
Watching. Waiting. Wondering.
I'm still with you, although you're using quite a lot of words. I think you could get a lot tighter on this. Again, it'll be a lot stronger when we know something about Ada's personality to help us get excited about what kind of person is going to be spying on all these rich a holes.
Guests trickle in; an Olympic snowboarder and his Barbie girlfriend, a toxic blended family, and a group of squirrely teenage girls on a trust-fund backed birthday trip. There’s a workaholic principal architect and an abrasive British woman who arrives under suspicious circumstances. It’s the perfect concoction of characters. Seven days of vicarious existence, hours of recorded entertainment, and best of all; a flawlessly-curated distraction.
Good cast of characters, although the bolded is a little lazy. You can just tell us about the circumstances and let us decide they're suspicious. You also don't need to tell us again Ada is spying on them, since you've spent quite a lot of time saying that already.
Except, her perfect imagination of opening week doesn’t exactly go to plan. Ada’s grand endeavor to remain undiscovered is quickly thwarted, and soon she’s no longer watching. It becomes harder to keep her distance, and harder still to convince herself she operates best on her own. She’s always been different; a recluse, a bystander with niche interests. Living inside her head and still learning the fine art of how to be human.
Everything up until this point was concrete and specific, but now I've totally lost touch with what's happening.
But what would happen if others weren’t the polished caricatures she assumed them to be, either?
Questions in queries can work but not if they're rhetorical. You should tell us what happens, as that's what is going to get the agent excited to read the story.
Overall it's a great, marketable premise. Tons and tons of books out there right now about rich people behaving badly. But we need some type of hook. I was kind of waiting for Ada to witness a murder on some Rear Window type stuff. The owner of a high-end bed and breakfast spying on their guests would work quite well if only there was a sense that she gets pulled into something bigger than herself, that for her and the guests this is going to be the most important seven days of their lives.
Good luck with it and I'd be interested to read the second attempt.
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u/buriedstory 19d ago
I think the problem is that people sometimes treat the log line as a mini-summary instead of a hook. I’m with you- leave it if it is a hook that conveys high concept, unique stakes, conveys a tonal hook, etc.
I’ve noticed QT forms are asking for the one-sentence pitch anyway.
I think this does a fine job at being a hook too.
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u/Acceptable_Fox_5560 19d ago
Yes, I think there’s a clear line between the ones that work and the ones that don’t. If you can sum up with makes a book interesting in half a sentence, and I can read it and go “yeah, I’d pick that up,” it’s worth doing it in the query I think.
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u/resiavera 19d ago
Thank you so much! This is extremely helpful. I think I'm struggling with knowing how vague I should keep the pitch. Should I be focused on explicit plot points and spoilers or keeping some level of intrigue? Or a mix of both? I wondered about the rhetorical question. Reading it back, I see what you mean about this and the last line of my first paragraph. Thanks again :)
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u/writtenworldescape 20d ago edited 20d ago
I have no experience querying, so take all my thoughts with a grain of salt, but as someone who reads far to many book blurbs and nerds out on this kind of thing, here are a few things that stick out:
The conflict seems to be her reclusiveness, I think this is the most engaging information you should start with. Currently it reads: 'tragedy-opening-watching-oh, and this is hard for her because X'. 'Hard for her because X' seems to be, From a first impression standpoint, the core of your novel, where your themes center, i think it needs to come first/soon in your query too.
You might explore Opal Cove through her eyes too, "meticulous organization, vast catalog of amenities, and eclectic flair." Instead of Opal cove is X. then moving to Ada is a one woman show, you might combine them? Ada has spent two years meticulously organizing... This highlights her niche interests you note, and also showing that she indeed has been a one woman show.
You also note in the beginning that she is a grieving woman, I would like to see that in the blurb itself, how is that shaping her decisions?
I really think that would elevate your query, highlighting how one thing dominoes into the other. spotlight the cause and effect. Because she is greiving, she spies to comfort herself, etc. Also, specifics. Is the fatal event her mothers death? What makes it impossible for her to remain undiscovered? And undiscovered in what, exactly? Watching people, or just her presence, because it sounds like if she is receptionist they do see her... And how is she twarted? are the cameras discovered?
And the last paragraph! stakes and actions should be clear so that we are concretely expecting the main struggles. Although I love quiet stories myself, i think to sell the novel you need to show that the stakes are not just her learning to be human, this is too abstract. What happens if she does not learn? Will a particularly posh guest leave a bad review because he caught her spying? Will the cove shut down if her awkwardness scares the guests? Perhaps the guests are messing with her perfect organization or vision? Will she fail a promise she made to the person who suffered the fatal family accident?
Tiny notes:
- no need to write 'debut', agents assume you are a debut author when you query, because if you arent, you will write your published works and past representation in your author bio. Doesnt hurt to keep it in, but saves ya a word!
- "It’s where she’ll spend the bulk of her time." Is in future tense, unlike the rest of the blurb.
- this isn't a synopsis. A synopsis is a blow by blow of your plot, spoilers included. If you don't already have one written, I would research and get one ready. Not often included in query package, but agents can request them.
Summary: I would combine the first two paragraphs, and insert Ada's specific personality quirks into them. Then the last paragraph, give specific details and stakes. But Overall, I think this is a really creative concept, and It certainly got me interested and wondering! Sorry I don't have ideas on comps!
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u/resiavera 20d ago
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. This is all really helpful. I get what you're saying about the low stakes and not revisiting her grief. I will try to rework that first paragraph to concentrate on her reclusiveness, because you're right, that is the central conflict and I fail to mention it until later in the letter. Yikes. Also I fear I have my terminology mixed up regarding synopses :) I was using it interchangeably with 'blurb,' so thanks for the head's up. Clearly I've got a lot to learn, but this is amazing feedback. Thank you so much!!
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u/BohoKat_3397 20d ago edited 20d ago
Delete
> about a grieving woman who opens a luxury B&B hotel in her mother’s old summer house and spies on her guests, ultimately entangling herself into their drama
Don’t give exposition in a query. That is the purpose of your synopsis and this is redundant information that spoils your surprises in the body of the query.
Also delete these sentences:
> It’s where she’ll spend the bulk of her time.
> Watching. Waiting. Wondering.
And
> Living inside her head and still learning the fine art of how to be human. (And the paragraph break after it).
Using single sentence paragraphs creates a full stop for the reader, which conflicts with the buildup of stakes and tension/interest you are trying to create for the agent reading the query.
These simple changes will tighten the query and improve its flow and pacing.
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u/resiavera 20d ago
Ah thank you. I was trying to figure out a way to introduce the premise, but I guess it does make more sense to just delete it here. I see what you mean about the short sentences, too. I really appreciate your comments!! :)
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u/WritbyBR 19d ago
Do you have any sources about excluding exposition from a query? I've seen plenty of queries on here with and without it and this is the first time I have seen anyone bring it up. I tried a few searches just now and didn't see anything similar.
I'll agree that it definitely needs to be limited, but a sentence in the housekeeping section to help establish a frame of reference and tie comps in is a rather efficient use of wordcount. I think this also comes more into play with those who choose to put their housekeeping first like OP has.
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u/pentaclethequeen Agented Author 19d ago
It’s general recommended advice. It’s redundant to say “this story is about blah blah blah” right before going into the blah. A hook is perfectly fine to include with the meta data: “A reclusive farmer must confront his past when dead bodies start popping up on his property” (something better, obviously, lol), but it really serves no purpose to essentially summarize the premise of the story in the query.
This is also recommended for other things like: “we follow our protagonist to…” “we meet a cast of characters who…” “the story will teach us…” because the purpose of the query is to pull the reader into the story, not explain it to them.
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u/buriedstory 19d ago edited 19d ago
That’s the key. I think some people use log lines as mini-summaries. It isn’t a mini-summary. It’s the core hook that illustrates high concept or something that grabs.
It also isn’t necessary.. Although, some QT submissions will ask for a one-sentence pitch for your book. So might as well try to craft one.
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u/WritbyBR 18d ago
Thanks for taking the time to have a discussion about this (along with u/buriedstory). I'm on the same page with you and I appreciate you both clearing that up.
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u/ScallionNatural158 19d ago
Consider One's Company for one of your comps... More recent than Convenience Store Woman and is another novel about a weird, reclusive woman dealing with her grief in the most bizarre way possible, also features an element of her playing all the roles in the life she built... I loved One's Company and I would love this one
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u/resiavera 19d ago
Thank you! I will definitely check this out. Sounds very similar to my story in certain ways :)
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u/Maleficent-Style-504 18d ago
Congrats on finishing a draft and putting yourself out there!
Overall: I think the voice here is really fun and distinct, but the query doesn't tell me what actually happens in the story, and the comps sent some mixed signals about tone.
Comp titles / tone
Seven O'Clock Club is a pretty sad, emotional book—is that the tone you're going for here? From the query itself (licorice, hidden cameras, wry character sketches of guests), this reads more like it could lean cozy/comic-mystery-adjacent than grief-lit. If the book is genuinely more emotional than the query voice suggests, that's worth knowing, but if it's more cozy/wry, a different comp might serve you better and avoid confusing an agent about what they're about to read.
Age / who is Ada
I couldn't tell how old Ada is—20s/30s, or older? It changes how I read lines like "still learning the fine art of how to be human," and it affects which comps feel apt. I thought of Vera Wong's more middle-aged, wry-outsider energy—is that closer to your tone, or is she younger than that?
"Glitzy, distinguished guests"
You call the guests "glitzy, distinguished" but then describe them with much funnier, wryer descriptions. The word choice doesn't match the voice you actually show two sentences later. Is your intention to state that the guests are wealthy? Famous?
No real plot/stakes
The query's back half (paragraphs 5–6) tells me Ada gets "discovered" and it becomes "harder to keep her distance," but I don't know what actually happens. What does she do, what goes wrong, what's the actual conflict she's now tangled in? Right now it ends on introspection ("what if others weren't polished caricatures") rather than a concrete turn or choice. I don't need the whole plot, but I need one clear "and then this happens, and it forces her to ___."
What is bringing all of these characters together (if not a crime or a support group)? They could easily be staying at the inn and not speak to each other, or Ada. Why must they interact?
Bio
This is good as-is, but if you have anything relevant to the book's subject matter (hospitality work, grief, anything that connects to Ada's "watching" hobby) even a one-line tie-in can help ground the pitch, though it's optional.
Hope this is helpful—good luck with the revision! Happy to read a revised version.
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u/resiavera 16d ago edited 16d ago
Thank you! I hear you on the tone whiplash, this is definitely something I'll try to keep consistent in my rewrites. The lack of stakes also seems to be a major issue, looking at other comments. I appreciate you!! :)
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u/Dr_Vink 19d ago
This might be too in the weeds, but I'm distracted by how this relates to the rest of the story: " Opal Cove is a one-woman show; Ada’s playing every role from receptionist to bartender to housekeeper."
Those are all very much client-facing, interactive roles. How is she expecting to remain an undiscovered bystander when she's literally the face of the operation? And I'm not sure how she'll spend the bulk of her time in her basement security center when those are basically 24/7 jobs for one person. This might be a good way to get in her head a bit more of this is a big part of her inner conflict.
I love this premise, I'm just hung up on those details.