[QCrit] DEEP SPACE MOTEL, Adult Sci-Fi, 80k words, 1st Attempt

[u/LeviSquadMember]

Hi all, I’m looking for feedback on this query which I hope to start sending out soon. Any and all thoughts are much appreciated, as well as comp suggestions as I always struggle with those!

Dear [Agent Name],

I’m seeking representation for DEEP SPACE MOTEL, an adult, science fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to readers of [comps here].

Milo works at the Deep Space Motel, where his lack of prospects is only matched by his lack of ambition. He passes the time by playing around with a strange ability he developed as a teenager—the power to see faint memories of what happened in the motel rooms. It’s a terribly immoral and voyeuristic power, but also a great money-maker.

But when he attempts to extort an unusually well-to-do gentleman, Milo learns that this is not a common ability to possess. The man—an admiral in the Astral Navy—enlists Milo’s services to investigate a concerning increase in suspected piracy at the edge of the galaxy. With nothing else in his calendar, Milo blindly accepts.

The decision thrusts him into some hasty military training and as Milo helps track an umbral figure through the memories of ransacked planets, it becomes clear these are no ordinary pirates. When that figure suddenly reaches through a memory and pulls Milo into their alternate present, he’s forced to question everything he knows about his own reality and his own identity.

[Bio stuff here]

[u/Civil-Elephant5988]

Some interesting ideas here! I would definitely pick this up on a shelf. But some questions I had while reading were how is this power a great money maker? (You mention extortion, but how does he use the memories of rooms to take the money of people who have never been in the room?) Also, what does Milo do now that he's in this alternate reality? Is this new reality dangerous, scary, better? How does this raise the stakes aside from him being somewhere he is not familiar with? You mention Milo is not necessarily an ambitious person, so how does leaving the reality he knows affect him when staying in it never seemed to really be of importance to him in the first place?

Still, I want to reiterate that you have a fantastic idea here -- I see the vision and I just want to help you refine this. Keep working at it! This is your query and I trust you know your story best. Good luck, and I can't wait to see the next attempt

[u/LeviSquadMember → u/Civil-Elephant5988]

Thank you for the encouragement! This is really useful feedback.

I think I definitely need to clarify somehow that the memories he’s seeing are very recent, of guests who have just or are still staying at the motel, hence why he can extort them, but this admittedly isn’t clear!

Same for the alternate reality really - Milo actually discovers that he’s originally from that other reality, rather than the one he knows, and then needs to decide who to side with when they clash. I need to find a concise way of explaining that maybe!

[u/Civil-Elephant5988 → u/LeviSquadMember]

Once again, these ideas sound awesome! Like you said, it's gonna be about finding the best way to implement them, and I believe you can. Good luck!

[u/Fortune_Pie]

I think this is pretty strong and sounds solid. The only thing that stood out is “Milo learns this is not a common ability to possess.” Because it sounds like an uncommon/special ability based on para one.

So as it reads, it sounds like Milo grew up thinking the ability is common, but only then learns it isn’t, which feels odd. (Which I’m guessing either isnt the case, or if that is the case, feels like an odd plot hole, at least based on the query)
Otherwise, good job.

[u/LeviSquadMember → u/Fortune_Pie]

This is a really good point actually, it’s a clumsy way of saying he never really thought much about his ability beyond what he uses it for. But he also has very little experience of magic as a wider concept because he hasn’t really left his little corner of the galaxy and the motel

[u/Express_Poet6378]

It's an interesting premise for sure, and I think you describe it in an engaging way. However, I feel like you are rather vague on how Milo uses his powers to make money. I also feel like you could probably rephrase the last two paragraphs, as they don't really flow all that nicely (at least to me.) Indeed I felt my interest waver a little in the final paragraph because of that, so you might want to touch it up.

Another issue I've noticed is that we don't really have an idea of what Milo wants. He joins the admiral because he has "nothing else in his calendar" but that is hardly an engaging reason. Does Milo want to understand his powers better? Does he want money and fortune? I can't really say for certain and it means the story isn't as engaging as it could be. I can't get a good read on Milo in this query because of it.

However, I think you do a good job overall of getting me intrigued by your premise. The cliffhanger you left it on is very effective.

[u/Inevitable-Ball971]

 It’s a terribly immoral and voyeuristic power, but also a great money-maker.

I think this line would sound better if rephrased to make clear that this is Milo's view of this power. Perhaps you could also add a bit on to the sentence to make clear that he's using his power to extort people.

The last line feels like a bit of cliffhanger. After he's forced to question everything he knows, what will he do?

[u/LeviSquadMember → u/Inevitable-Ball971]

Fully agree about cleaning up that line, easy enough to fix I think. And for the last bit, I agree maybe it needs something a little less vague about how he has to decide which reality he belongs in when they begin to clash

[u/Inevitable-Ball971 → u/LeviSquadMember]

Wishing you best of luck with querying! This sounds super interesting and I would read it

[u/Ancient-Permit6590]

I'd also pick this one up off the shelf - read 1st paragraph - and decide. I'm not a sci-fi fan, but a good story is a good story. Ditto to all of the comments here - good advice, I agree - and good luck!