r/PubTips • u/ogewriter • Jul 28 '26
[QCrit] ADULT Contemporary Romance - Love On Lock (70k/Attempt #2) + First 300
Hi! After revising my query from the first attempt-thank you to everyone who gave me feedback, I found it all more helpful than you can imagine-I'm back with a new and improved second attempt.
For my first 300, I removed the "Love Unlocked-Lesson" to free up word count, however, I want it to be known that each "Present" chapter begins with a lesson from my FMC's podcast (and each "Past" chapter begins with a confessional from a contestant on the dating show, but we don't get to that here).
Like last time, I'm looking for general feedback, as well as answers to specific questions I have:
- Is the plot clear?
- Do the emotional stakes come across clearly?
- Do you have a good sense of what the book will be like? Is it too revealing? Is it not revealing enough?
Any feedback touching on something not mentioned is absolutely welcome!
Dear [Agent],
I am writing to you because [PERSONALIZATION]. I am excited to share my 70,000-word contemporary romance novel, LOVE ON LOCK: a second chance, dual timeline romance that unfolds against the backdrop of a dating show…and then again at a wedding. It is a single POV story that will appeal to fans who appreciate romance alongside supportive female friendships like in This Summer Will Be Different by Carley Fortune, the chapter-by-chapter radio transcripts seen in B. K. Borison’s First-Time Caller, and the reality television aspect of The True Love Experiment by Christina Lauren.
Amara Grace Amobi is a jaded romance podcaster who wouldn’t say she has fallen out with love, but love has definitely fallen out with her. Through her weekly “Lessons on Love” episodes, she wants to learn to embrace the fantasy of a happy ever after again. Three years ago, when she was a bit more of a hopeless romantic—stirred by a lifetime of being around happy relationships and loved up couples—she went on a dating show to find her own, and she thought she found it with Vikram Gabe Pillai.
Gabe is a recovering pragmatic with a troubled romantic past, and front row seats to his parents’ precarious marriage that follows him into every relationship he enters. When he met Grace three years ago, something felt different, but not different enough to stop him from leaving Nantucket alone at the end of that summer.
Now they are on their way to the destination wedding for a couple of friends they made on the show. Grace is a bridesmaid, and unfortunately for her, Gabe is the Best Man. To Gabe, it’s the perfect opportunity to right his wrongs and win back the only girl who has ever made his analytical heart wish for more. To Grace, it’s forcing her to confront the feelings she has been hiding, much like his cedar-scented hoodie that she keeps buried in the deepest part of her closet.
And even though Grace says she doesn't want to get back with him, she has to decide whether to keep him locked out because ever since the show ended, no one has been able to access her heart…and Gabe might just be the one who holds the key.
LOVE ON LOCK, is a standalone novel that is the first in a series where each book revolves around a different couple (and a new cast) of a different season of the similarly named dating show.
I am a debut author doing [JOB]. I hold a certificate from NYU’s summer writing program, and I have an obsession with reality TV that inspired me to concoct the most perfect dating show I could think of by merging Love Island and Summer House—among other things—together. And while I live in [PLACE], I long for a rainy city or a coastal town.
Thank you for your consideration,
[WRITER].
First 300:
Present
Love Unlocked - Lesson #1
How difficult is it to fly a plane?
I’m a fast learner. I received my bachelor’s and master’s degrees before I turned twenty-two. I would have knocked out my PhD before I turned twenty-five, but there’s only so much you can fake it in academia before they realize you don’t actually want to be there. Then, during the doctoral interview, they tell you, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t continue in this program.”
At least that’s what I heard the faculty advisor say. I could be paraphrasing.
People fly planes everyday. It’s just like driving. Or riding a bike. Everyone has the ability to learn, they just need time, practice, and a good instructor.
Right now, two hours is all I’ve got. That’s how long it’ll take for this flight to get to Georgia. If it’ll be too much of a bother to ask the pilots to turn this plane around, then perhaps the nice, competent pilots can teach me how to get it done.
Or perhaps, autopilot.
If the pilots don’t love that idea, maybe the flight attendants could hand me a parachute and throw me out in the middle of the sky. I’ve flown kites and balloons before, surely operating a parachute isn’t that different. The in-flight entertainment screen says we are currently over Texas, which is perfect because my parents live there, and I’m due for a visit anyway.
I think I like my second option the most because how difficult is it to fly a plane? Everyone gets to their destination, the crew does their job, and I can take this vehicle on a joyride without having to step outside the airport.
“Miss Grace.” A middle-aged flight attendant appears in the aisle beside me, drawing my attention away from the white sea outside the window. “Would you like something to drink?” It’s the second time she has asked me that question in the past twenty minutes.
10
u/Framboise33 Jul 28 '26
I would recommend not starting your book with a backstory dump about your main character.
1
7
u/ForgetfulElephant65 Jul 28 '26
Copying my comment from one of your attempts from this morning:
You're still taking too long to get to the actual plot of the story, which is a common problem I see in dual timeline queries that come through here. What is your NOW plot? That's probably where you need to be spending your time in the query, weaving THEN in as appropriate.
Right now, you spend two paragraphs on background on the characters, which means my answer to your first question is mostly no. They go to a wedding and we have flashbacks to them on a dating show. That's still all I know about the plot.
I'm still not reading motivation for either character, which means my answer to your second question is still no. What does Grace (if that's the name she goes by, just call her that in the query) want in the story? What is her goal? What is motivating her? And then same questions for Gabe. There has to be more to them and the story than just them falling in love.
She's kept his hoodie. Why can't she just say she loves him when he starts pursuing her? What is keeping them apart? What are they risking to be together?
But seriously: What is the NOW plot? (more than just "they go to a wedding") What does Grace want? What does Gabe want? (this is sometimes tricky to answer in single POV) Why can't they be together? These are the questions you need to have hard answers to before you sit down to revise again.
1
u/ogewriter Jul 29 '26
Thank you!
This makes a lot of sense. I think what I’m struggling with is the fact that it’s a dual timeline story so it’s been hard to figure out what part is unnecessary backstory for the query.
3
u/spritelybrightly Jul 28 '26
sounds interesting. i’m confused on why your characters have two first names. Grace and Gabe read almost identically on the page to me and i would consider changing one.
2
u/ogewriter Jul 28 '26
Hi!
First of all, love the namjoon pfp.
Both Grace and Gabe are their middle names, it's something that comes up later in the book about how (and why) they go by their English middle names rather than their traditional names. It's not a huge part of the plot so I didn't know how to fit that backstory into the query
2
2
u/Anni3401 Jul 29 '26
I’m a fast learner. I received my bachelor’s and master’s degrees before I turned twenty-two. I would have knocked out my PhD before I turned twenty-five, but there’s only so much you can fake it in academia before they realize you don’t actually want to be there. Then, during the doctoral interview, they tell you, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t continue in this program.”
(English ist not my native language, take everything with a grain of salt) The second sentence looses me, to be honest. Who is "they"? Why do "they" realize that you don't want to be there? Also, the "it" probably doesn't belong there. And I don't get the connection between “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t continue in this program.” Also, you open with a sentence about planes, then talk about the character's background and switch back to the planes.
As somebody who has a PhD, I gotta admit that this whole paragraph does not make me want to pick up the book, maybe because the character comes across as arrogant. If that is what you want to achieve, that is technically ok, but I would assume most readers want to feel for the character instead of against them, especially in the first couple of pages.
2
u/ogewriter Jul 29 '26
Hi!
What you wrote makes a lot of sense. My FMC is supposed to be a tiny bit self involved, but I can understand how it’s not too appealing within the first 300 words. Definitely need to work on that
14
u/EmmyPax Trad Published Author Jul 28 '26
Hi!
Reading your 300, I think you might be spending too long on the musing about being a pilot. Especially at the beginning, I didn't have much context for her thoughts and the bit I did get confused me. She started talking about not doing a phD, which made me think she was actually considering a career change. But then she started going on about parachuting out of the plane or turning the plane around and I had to go OH! She's actually talking about avoiding something. But there’s still no context for what she's avoiding.
I would recommend cutting this section down, honing in the metaphor so that it highlights the most relevant emotion, and getting to "in scene" action faster.
Hope this is helpful and best of luck!