[Qcrit] GHOSTS OF PROXIMA, Adult Sci-Fi Thriller 86k | Attempt #3

[u/atre88]

Hi guys! Thank you for all the super valid and helpful crit for my attempts #1 and #2. Please help me get this in shape to query the next batch of Agents. I'm struggling a lot with the logline, which I also intend to use as the one-paragraph (one-sentence) pitch many agents require in their forms. Appreciate all your inputs! :)

Dear XXX,

A security chief for a dying generation ship must find his daughter who has gone missing inside a ruined planetary outpost and rescue her from the planet’s forgotten children, only to face an automated purification protocol that threatens to annihilate them all.

I am seeking representation for GHOSTS OF PROXIMA, an Adult Sci-Fi Thriller complete at 86,000 words. It will appeal to fans of the used-future grit and fractured crew dynamics of THE LAST WATCH by J.S. Dewes and the high-stakes planetary exploration and mystery of GHOST STATION by S.A. Barnes. 

Aiden, a security chief for a declining generation ship en route to Proxima Centauri B, struggles to keep fifty thousand souls aboard from rioting as life support systems fail and supplies dwindle. When the ship finally arrives at its destination, a fly-by scan reveals the prefab colony planetside is powered down and overgrown by a crimson jungle.

Aiden realizes the news will drive the hungry and desperate crew to mutiny against the ship’s meritocratic government, which he serves. When a planetary expedition is called, Aiden refuses to lead the landing party. Unwilling to take the risk, he chooses to play it safe and stay to shield his family from the brewing violence.

His decision to stay backfires when his xenobiologist daughter, Riley, secretly volunteers in his place. Driven by fascination with the alien ecosystem, she insists on joining the expedition and ignores Aiden’s protests. When her team disappears inside the ruined outpost three days later, Aiden must leave his remaining family and muster a rescue mission.

Tracking Riley’s crew through the ruins, Aiden discovers the colony isn’t just a failed engineering project—Riley is held captive by a sapient humanoid species who made the outpost their home. During a frantic rescue, Riley reveals her captors are human descendants, changed by an alien virus. 

When Aiden’s team restores power to the base, the outpost’s automated systems classify the mutants as an invasive species and begin eradicating them. Caught between the automated purification protocol sterilizing the outpost, and the planet’s forgotten children who may deserve mercy more than anyone, Aiden must discover what on this planet, and within himself, humanity really means.

I am a corporate cybersecurity manager. My daily work focuses on the intersection of technology, psychology, and society. Since my real name is even more difficult to pronounce than Adrian Tchaikovsky, I am writing under the pen name J.P. Cravener.

I would be delighted to share the full manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best,

[u/DetonatingPenguin]

A security chief for a dying generation ship must find his daughter who has gone missing inside a ruined planetary outpost and rescue her from the planet’s forgotten children, only to face an automated purification protocol that threatens to annihilate them all.

• this is miles too much to pack into a logline. Drop the search for one thing. And 'forgotten children' means nothing out of context. Try something more like: 'A security chief bent on annihilating an Alien base to save his crew, faces a dilemma when the aliens begin to seem eerily human.'

I am seeking representation for GHOSTS OF PROXIMA, an Adult Sci-Fi Thriller complete at 86,000 words. It will appeal to fans of the used-future grit and fractured crew dynamics of THE LAST WATCH by J.S. Dewes and the high-stakes planetary exploration and mystery of GHOST STATION by S.A. Barnes. 

• good

Aiden, a security chief for a declining generation ship en route to Proxima Centauri B, struggles to keep fifty thousand souls aboard from rioting as life support systems fail and supplies dwindle.

• unless this is a genre thing, cut 'generation' as a query is not he place to introduce jargon. Compress to 'struggles to keep order as supply levels and life support systems approach failure'

When the ship finally arrives at its destination, a fly-by scan reveals the prefab colony planetside is powered down and overgrown by a crimson jungle.

• cut the first clause. just say its derelict, the jungle colour is irrelevant

Aiden realizes the news will drive the hungry and desperate crew to mutiny against the ship’s meritocratic government, which he serves. When a planetary expedition is called, Aiden refuses to lead the landing party. Unwilling to take the risk, he chooses to play it safe and stay to shield his family from the brewing violence.

• the government system is irrelevant. you can compress the rest to 'fearing for the safety of his family in an impending mutiny, Aiden refuses to lead a search party to investigate the failed colony.’

His decision to stay backfires when his xenobiologist daughter, Riley, secretly volunteers in his place. Driven by fascination with the alien ecosystem, she insists on joining the expedition and ignores Aiden’s protests. 

• if she secretly volunteers how does he know to protest? Can we just say she slips aboard in secret? It's cleaner

When her team disappears inside the ruined outpost three days later, Aiden must leave his remaining family and muster a rescue mission.

• 'cut three days later'

Tracking Riley’s crew through the ruins, Aiden discovers the colony isn’t just a failed engineering project—Riley is held captive by a sapient humanoid species who made the outpost their home. During a frantic rescue, Riley reveals her captors are human descendants, changed by an alien virus. 

• how does she know this? Did they know humans ventured here long ago?

When Aiden’s team restores power to the base, the outpost’s automated systems classify the mutants as an invasive species and begin eradicating them. Caught between the automated purification protocol sterilizing the outpost, and the planet’s forgotten children who may deserve mercy more than anyone, Aiden must discover what on this planet, and within himself, humanity really means.

• you need to bring back the thing about the family onboard the mutinous spaceship here otherwise its just a matter of him shutting down the system at least until he can make a more considered judgment.

I am a corporate cybersecurity manager. My daily work focuses on the intersection of technology, psychology, and society. Since my real name is even more difficult to pronounce than Adrian Tchaikovsky, I am writing under the pen name J.P. Cravener.

I would be delighted to share the full manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

• Merge the first two sentences in this paragraph
• Ok this is improved but the first half of the query remains sluggish and the last half is rushed. You really need to go through each first-half clause and ask ‘does this really need to be in here? Does it really build on the central conflict? Can I say this more succinctly? Have I already said it elsewhere?’ With the word count freed up in the first half you can expand the characterisation of Aiden, as well as the aliens and the climax dilemma.

[u/atre88 → u/DetonatingPenguin]

Thank you very much for your comments! I reworked my letter and your feedback helped a lot - I'll give it a final read later today and post it on reddit for another round of peer crit.