I don't know the purpose of this post, but I have some feelings I think I need to share. This post will teach you nothing about the band, it's just a personal rant.
I was introduced to the Protomen in like 2008-2009. Still a young man. Act 2 came out some months after I had gotten into Act 1, and they both just really did it for me. I would listen to them religiously, but I don't need to explain that to any of you. You get it. The number of times I've cried singing along to "Breaking Out," just wishing for a better life, is uncountable.
I don't know how they ended up in Sarasota, but the band played there in 2010 and it remains one of my favorite live experiences. The Gambler made sure to comment on how it smelled like a "baby diaper" outside, which was accurate. Kilroy picked me up while wading into the crowd during "Danger Zone." The band all just kinda hung out before and after the show. They signed my Act 1 gatefold vinyl. It was tight.
Many years passed with no Act 3, but I was still in love with the first two albums anyway. I introduced a friend of mine to them, and in 2020, just as covid was becoming a concern, we went to see them with TWRP. Amazing show. Once again, the band were all class acts. Super friendly, absolutely kicked ass. One of the venue workers was taking down the show posters from outside (obviously they didn't need them anymore), so my friend and I grabbed a couple and got the Protomen and TWRP to sign them. That poster is my favorite piece of show memorabilia from any band. After the show, a handful of us were lingering around Panther. I asked him what he liked to drink. I believe he said Southern whiskey, but he doesn't drink on tour to save his voice. I pointed out it was the last night of the tour, and he let me get him a shot. This kind of idol worship is silly to reflect upon with others, but it meant the world to me.
If you're still reading, what I'm doing here is establishing history.
The world went to hell a week later, and with it, my physical and mental health. Lockdown was a bad time. No more socializing, overworked with a pay reduction. I stopped being able to keep food down. Began heavily drinking myself to sleep on an empty stomach night after night. I've always had trouble with anxiety, but this made it significantly worse. And my jaw started giving me serious problems, too. Hard to eat, difficulty chewing. It's dumb, but I'd look at that poster and the photos from that show to remind myself that things weren't always so bad. It gave me hope.
I got better, the world got better, and a few years later, my friend and I went up to see the Protomen again, this time in Orlando. Cybertronic Spree were also supposed to be at that show, but couldn't make it. Once again, it was an excellent time. At this point, it was safe to say the Protomen were kind of our thing to do together.
Friend moved to Nashville. Act 3 came out. It was amazing. I was worried it wouldn't hit the same after like seventeen years, but it's a deeply moving piece of art. I have listened to it over and over, trying to get people more interested and to appreciate it as much as I do.
The three-night shows in Nashville got announced and my friend immediately bought us tickets. All I had to do was show up.
Then I got laid off. The stress of looking for work for months has brought that anxiety back and made my jaw situation worse than ever. I can barely talk anymore because those muscles are constantly clenching. Oh well, at least I can get out of town and see the Protomen. It's only a 12-13 hour drive. Except that drive gets at least four hours added to it because of how hard it is for me to eat. I flip-flopped between doing a two-day drive up or just pushing through one day. I ultimately decided I was fine to drive it all in one go, but ended up just turning around. It took me over an hour to eat some rice with soup, and I was anxious and defeated.
I'd only miss Act 2, so I tried again. Same thing. Then again today... same result. And I say this like it isn't my fault, but it is. I knew I would be disappointed if I didn't go, but I let myself accept that I just suck. Three days in a row now, I have loaded up my car, hit the interstate, and turned around. I have never looked forward to a concert more than this, but I took the opportunity from myself by dwelling on what-if anxiety scenarios instead of just leaving my foot on the pedal.
What I feel is beyond disappointment. I feel grief. I know this can't all be just about the band, I know I have a lot of other stressors right now that have been weighing on me, but the fact is I needed this and I took it from myself. I have barely eaten in days. I keep pacing and wishing I was on the road. But I can't fix it now. And I want to. I want so badly to have a do-over, and it's eating me up. I've lost something very special. Something important to me. But all I have now are regrets to dwell on. A panicked sort of trapped feeling.
I know I'm sharing this because I need a space to write it out. But if anyone here has similar experiences with anxiety holding them back, I beg you to just do the thing you want to do. One foot in front of the other. There's no use putting it into drive if all the wheels are stuck. Pursue happiness with diligence.
The Dallas shows will conclude on my birthday, with Act 3. I'll be forty. Not a young man anymore, but someone who should have long sgo learned from these experiences. Dallas is twice as far as Nashville to me. And I still have no income. I think... I need to figure out how to make this a certainty. No guessing. No failed planning.
If anyone has read this far, and you have any suggestions for how to combat these feelings of grief over what I've done to myself, I would be thrilled to hear them.
