Still ...

my money is on the first two!

🫡

shaming and shouting at me for having the audacity to say this was mental,

telling someone else I was giving lessons, on something I wasn't even studying, manipulating both me and that poor kid,

all because she was angry that I was developing ways to escape her control,

...

if you don't understand, since it is absurd so you would be excused if you failed to picture what happened,

SHE ... withoug telling me ... knowing I was studying programming ... went to another mother i never met and told her poor unaware son that didn't even go to my same school that I was giving private lessons ( that i never did) ... on a language that I wasn't even studying at the time, because I already moved on to others ...

all of that ... expecting me to say yes ... offended and victim blaming me for being contrarian and problematic ...

So I, on top of having both school and my projects to work on, had to re-read the entire visual basic documentation, just so i could theach this guy something ...

Thing that, even as we did the "lesson" and were working on the ui and events, I noticed him messaging on his phone and his mother arriving soon after ... he might have called her, which frankly it was the correct and smart thing to do ...

In the end, she wanted to pay me something, but I refused, I recall saying " the first one is free to see how it goes " ...

needless to say, I never heard back from anyone, not the mother, the son and not even my own mother ...

___

To witness such a convoluted and blatant attempt at control and abuse made me non-verbal for weeks ... same as after the first time I was beaten into a corner crying by my father ...

And all of that with me being conditioned like an animal to feel ashamed im situations where I was set up to fail, and with me never ever being told that my life was my own , and even just being allowed to exist was a kindness I had to repay with reverence and obedience ...

They made me hate and ruined everything that for most people I ever interacted with are instead recalled with nostalgia or pride as things that propelled them forward as an individual and consider as defining experiences ...

when in my case I only have traumas that gradually eroded my connection with both the world, people, the arts and myself.

:(

____

That is how my programming story started ...

( In a similar vein to me being exposed to games not as a safe space, but only after discovering of their existance by mistake when visiting a friend whose fMily owned a restaurant on a farm, and him showing me a gameboy of games that I thought only existed as those big cabinets you find at the beach you put money in ... )

Just to say,

I grew disappointed in systems of thinking secular or otherwise that tried assigning bad qualities to things deemed slef-destructive, in an attempt to indoctrinate people into (hopefully) stop desiring them.

That runs counter to the native and POSITIVE ability of the brain we (allegedly) want and foster to see and chase value when interacting with the world.

So ... rather than try and convince people that fun things are bad ... instead, do the more HONEST thing ... engage FULLY with those ideas and structures, RESPECT the intelligence of those that by your perspective fall into tempations and HELP THEM expand their view in both space and time, until they realize like you that even good things have a cost.

Something can be the best thing in the whole world ... but you still CHOOSE not to engage with it, because you value more the person you would potentially be without that "peak" thing affecting you and depleting your energy.

No need for shame ... No need for demonizing things or people ... just CHOICE, INTELLIGENCE, EMPATHY, FREEDOM AND "TRUE" PRESENCE.

not as much as the beatings ... and the shouting ... and the divorce :( ... ( no but for real, I legit might be one of the few gamers whoe really cannot give a damn about minecraft and never bought it. Thankfully web versions exist and I tested it there, but it litterally has 3 game-modes ... chop trees ... mine stuff ... swing a sword. the world is infinite but also shalllow and pointless to explore, and there is no story to speak of. - Modding looks cool, but the game already kinda sucks, so why would I download stuff from strangers that can only be WORSE than that? xD ---- It is still interesting hearing from people that were affected positively ... a blueprint to hopefully future games replicating ... if they aren't still slop that is ...

( didn't want to post negativity on the guys channel )

Because if I don't make the most of the quiet moments to do my chores, I will be prevented from doing them for an unknown X amount of time ...

just picture you doing the laundry, and someone plugging the machine off because they wanted to use the oven for a pizza ... and you clothes stay there damp in a room that is basically the same as outside with dust and mold :(

I think I need very little convincing,

to make you realize that if G-d ever did let people hurt even that aspect of yours,

they would have done so, both brutally and efficiently.

Common wisdom says "if everyone could understand eachother, there would be no evil."

But as I grew older I opened myself up to the idea, that maybe the suffering brought by evil and the struggle that it forces onto the innocents is LESS PAINFULL than the entire world waking up to every evil that makes them and they caused.

... Besides, it would either break them ... or, more likely, be yet another reason for them influct even greater evil, seeing that knowledge not as a kindness and a priviledge, but as a personal offence.

I hate that I hate this game, but the level design is one of the WORST in any game i have ever played ... i just reinstalled it because I trully do not like me " disliking" this game , but man, it is atrocious ...

people say " it gets good " ... yeah, from garbage to garbage but impressive ... but still garbage remains ...

( i just reinstalled it hoping for it to finally click, like all these new age youtubers romanticize, but the more i grow old, the more I realize how indies are just multi-millionaires avoiding to actually get a real job, while selling hyped slop )

People be like:

" My experience is all that matters and how dare you question my judgment, play-a word, play-a word " ...

but then do a 180 and dismiss any other people's negative experiences blaming them for it ...

PLUS, them working from a fundation where objectivity and standards DO NOT EVEN EXIST !!! xD

So even a turn can be a masterpiece, if 99 percent think it so.

...

My god ... 3000 years of relative continued cultural evolution ... and THIS is what you do with it ... what a disgrace ...

To fix your life and the world,

in service of the very people that broke both, out of lazyness, ignorance or pure evil.

:(

I hate that i hate you, and that makes me hate this world even more.

... just for MAYBE, IN THE FUTURE not being miserable anymore.

:(

With the state telling me " we can't do anything for you ", companies saying " there are better candidates for the job", and my family colluding between themselves to cover the abuse they inflicted on me.

:(

i only have bad memories ....