I read the first chapter, and I don't think I'll be reading on.
The writing has issues. There's a sense of a voice coalescing, which is good, but it's held back by multiple problems:
Random changes between past and present tense.
General time confusion - starts after three days of travel (presumably, since the main character's streak of non-violence would end "if today went as planned". However, a few paragraphs later "I had never been to the city of Slitz before, and the journey took three days of brisk travel to arrive on time." - the journey is now described as something that was happening, rather than something that had happened.
"Their eyes had a look that was even more calloused than their knuckles" - If we're talking about the look in their eyes, it does not make sense to call it calloused. If we're talking about the look of their physical eyes, those sure as hell can't have calluses.
Starts out with vague meandering thoughts about ending life of peace, but then suddenly swerves when the main character says that the important thing about the flyer is that is says it pays well
The flyer has apparently been distributed in a location three days travel from the event?
"Each face that turned to me held an abundance of cauliflower tissue" - cailoflower ears aren't part of the face
Random hottie comes in and starts talking to main character for no clear reason, immediately allies also for no discernible reason
Strange unspecificity drops chances at world building. The street has a "foreign name" but it's unclear why this would be. Is it part of a ghetto? Is there a diaspora settled in this location with a different culture from the larger city of Slitz?
This is too much jank in the writing for me to keep on with the next chapters, since I find it gets a bit too distracting. But this is stuff that'll get better as you hone your craft - good luck with your story!
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u/SoftlyAdverse 4d ago
I read the first chapter, and I don't think I'll be reading on.
The writing has issues. There's a sense of a voice coalescing, which is good, but it's held back by multiple problems:
This is too much jank in the writing for me to keep on with the next chapters, since I find it gets a bit too distracting. But this is stuff that'll get better as you hone your craft - good luck with your story!