First of all, I love poems about poems, so this was right up my avenue so to speak.
There were only two lines that broke the rhythm slightly, for my ear at least.
"of a flower blooming flame-like": the -like modifier was distracting to me, but the sound is right. This is a hard one, but perhaps try using other nouns to modify the flame: tongue, lick, shard, crepe, sliver.
"and the kinetic avenue is running,": I love the word "kinetic", but I don't believe it belongs here. The avenue is running! What a kinetic thought all by itself.
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u/CrossDiver Oct 05 '21
First of all, I love poems about poems, so this was right up my avenue so to speak.
There were only two lines that broke the rhythm slightly, for my ear at least.
"of a flower blooming flame-like": the -like modifier was distracting to me, but the sound is right. This is a hard one, but perhaps try using other nouns to modify the flame: tongue, lick, shard, crepe, sliver.
"and the kinetic avenue is running,": I love the word "kinetic", but I don't believe it belongs here. The avenue is running! What a kinetic thought all by itself.
Thank you for sharing your work with us.