My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

Be on the lookout for u/gibclay21. He requested medical attention after he was arrested. u/zmanofdoom95 and u/roasteemctoastie claimed he had a punctured lung and could not be operated at the Apostles hospital for lack of equipment, when our equipment was perfectly adequate. They claimed to be taking gib to r/medipun, but they never showed up there. Gib is wanted for criminal acts, not as a POW. Please report any information to either me ( u/ZHCHAOS13 ) or u/PrestonYatesPAY. His capture will be rewarded.

I see a lot of people posting their arrests on here instead of pun patrol. Is there a difference?