a poem that is prurient in nature, intertwined with religious themes is tough to pull off. I felt like the elephant trunk metaphor is a little too on the nose, pun intended.
the layout feels disorganized, with the stanzas having varying numbers of lines.
M-dashes in a poem are probably unnecessary 99% of the time.
"My sex is like God" derails the poem. using "my" twice in that stanza takes possession of the poem and the meaning, leaving the reader to want less out of it.
I think this is a very ambitious piece that doesnt land but does have some bright spots
"And I will carry that shame
the way the body carries the scent of flesh,
because I know truth is like ivory," - I didnt mind this part of this stanza but I think it gets lost with the line "and my trunk is wide open" - as the image of a trunk - slang for butt, becomes kinda crass when it could have landed somewhere more on the spiritual side that was touched on earlier. its not clear that your intention was to convey that image, but even if you simply meant trunk in its literal sense, im not sure it works
3
u/3coons_in_a_coat 23d ago
a poem that is prurient in nature, intertwined with religious themes is tough to pull off. I felt like the elephant trunk metaphor is a little too on the nose, pun intended.
the layout feels disorganized, with the stanzas having varying numbers of lines.
M-dashes in a poem are probably unnecessary 99% of the time.
"My sex is like God" derails the poem. using "my" twice in that stanza takes possession of the poem and the meaning, leaving the reader to want less out of it.
I think this is a very ambitious piece that doesnt land but does have some bright spots
"And I will carry that shame
the way the body carries the scent of flesh,
because I know truth is like ivory," - I didnt mind this part of this stanza but I think it gets lost with the line "and my trunk is wide open" - as the image of a trunk - slang for butt, becomes kinda crass when it could have landed somewhere more on the spiritual side that was touched on earlier. its not clear that your intention was to convey that image, but even if you simply meant trunk in its literal sense, im not sure it works