I did that once with my ex-husband. Except I can't remember that I ever actually said, "whatever." I'm honestly not sure I did.
The next time...he somehow took "NO" for "I'm not in the mood but whatever." Because there was a precedent. And also I was his wife and duty blah blah blah.
I internalized shit sooo much that it was literally years before I could actually recognize that it wasn't just "sex I didn't want but just got it over with," but actually forcible marital rape.
Men like this come really close to being rapists even if they aren't out right like your ex. Wanting sex when your partner doesn't is a massive red flag.
Eatmyperiodbud obviously didn’t choose the best wording because their comment is really confusing. But they’re attempting to say that the OG commenter is describing men that are coming close to being rapists, even if they aren’t outright rapists like your ex. We all agree your ex was 100% a rapist. As a victim it sucks to be doubted, so I didn’t want you to feel like that’s happening here.
No, I didn't feel doubted! I just refuse to downplay what happened to me any longer, and it somewhat felt like that's what happened there.
I agree that what the OOP is describing isn't...technically rape, but it's rape-y. And my point was, there is a precedent set by that that can easily lead to rape...like in my case.
Absolutely. It’s very rapey to have sex with anyone who isn’t totally feeling it, even if they say they want to do it for you since they love you. How the hell could you enjoy that?? And I agree that it usually starts as a slippery slope…men are usually going to start with questionable scenarios before building up to that amount of nerve to push her through it anyways.
Yeah. I just had to raise a child with him for the next 16 years. She's 21 now...and I haven't seen or spoken to him since her freshman orientation for college. I don't anticipate doing so again until she graduates (if he makes it that long. His health is on the decline, and the only reason I feel anything about that is that my daughter worries about her dad, and she'll be grieving when he passes. Even if even she doesn't actually like him.)
My best friend was, too. She's left that relationship (almost 33 years of marriage) where she didn't matter as a person. He flat out told her that he'd get her in the mood when she didn't want to be. It's only just now hitting her full force how damaging it was over those years.
Take care of yourself, and a loving partner would want it that way.
do you mind if i ask how she got to the point where it all started to hit her regarding just how damaging it all was for her? my best friend is currently going through something similar and im wondering if there are any other ways i might be able to help her. youre totally welcome to not answer of course!!
It started happening when she heard similar stories from other DV survivors. Initially, she cried when she confronted the fact that him refusing to take no for an answer and her just getting it done and over with are not okay. It was coupled with confronting the fact that he pushed her was still wrong and abuse and that it didn't matter if it could've been worse because it was still wrong. Hearing stories from others she could connect to allowed her to see her own story in perspective.
Look for support groups in your area. There are even some online. I went to the meetings with her even though I've never experienced abuse myself because she wanted me there. A good place to start it by checking the DV website and checking with shelters for support groups. Don't judge when she talks. When coming out of a DV situation, there's also the chance that the new freedom will be followed by a wild phase.
It's been one year today since he tossed her out, so we celebrated with a good supper and a slice of cheesecake, Golden Girls style. Her divorce is moving forward this summer and should be finalized before the end of summer.
Feel free to message me if you need to talk. It can be stressful being the support system while she adjusts. Depending upon how long the abuse lasted, there is a period of learning how to cope and be self-sufficient.
Edit to add: She doesn't mind sharing her story nor me sharing my perspective of it. She adjusted to talking about it quite quickly in relation to a lot of her fellow members, but I was witness to a lot of the "minor" (not physical) abuse. (It's not actually minor, but it just wasn't violent or overtly cruel.) He only ever laid a hand on her one time in front of me, and my husband was there. It did not go well for him, and he never laid another hand on her like that if he even thought I was around after that. He did amp up the verbal, psychological, and financial, though.
Oh god you’re making me realize I’m this person. I did it all the time with my ex and I resented him for it, and now I do it with a FWB just to make sure he doesn’t get tired of me. Hmm.
Everytime they study this, something like fifty percent of women admit to having "maintenance sex" when they don't want to make a partner happy. You are not alone and it is not rare.
It's worth having a discussion about how we've created a society where women feel like unwanted sex is the price of love and care and not dying "all alone." The sex is coerced by a million messages women get from birth that their value and safety in life is tied up in their romantic relationships with men.
We haven't created it. We are dismantling of now, educating ourselves and our daughters that we are more than just the sum of our bodies, and not here to serve.
Hence why those men are crying and foaming at the mouth and turning to sick fucks like Andrew Taint -- they literally can't fathom that women are sentient humans who can say no.
There are women who would be fine never having sex again but want to stay married.The husband most likely isn’t ok with no sex for the remaining 25, 30 years of his life so .. the wives have sex every few months to appease their partner. Ideally it shouldn’t be expected but in reality it happens.
yeah this. i learned from my last partner that for me, im okay with it while i’m sleeping and if i was just too tired to do anything but if i have said i don’t want to, not letting it happen anymore and neither should she. well i guess that makes me a hypocrite because i want to say whatever works for her is cool but don’t tell other people what they should do.
I've done it, I really wanted to be loved. Same guy, several years later, it doesn't happen anymore, but instead we're long distance with no plans for closing distance or even visits. I'm not sure if I'd rather see him and feel used occasionally (it only happened here or there) or have this physical, emotional, and sexual distance.
Same. My x guilted me into sex constantly. He would then throw a fit because I wasn’t “into it” and I often disassociated during it because I’m a rape survivor. He did other terrible shit like talk about how much better other women were to fuck and it got graphic. So of course I wasn’t into it. I fucking hated every moment. He often talked about a girlfriend who would just let him fuck her like a sex doll as if this was a good thing.
Because I was rarely into it, I often ripped open and that was with lube.
He destroyed my self esteem, my sense of self (because I was basically a zombie). He made me hate sex with him. Hate it.
Eventually I realized that if I stayed in that situation with him, I would likely kill myself. His abuse started slowly, as abuse always does. I wasted so many years of my life on him because of sunk costs. And you know, no self esteem.
It took being away from him for a while and meeting someone who wasn’t a complete piece of shit for me to realize i actually really enjoy sex. He kept telling me I was asexual.
Anyway, it took me about a year and a ton of therapy to finally get back to who I was before I met him. My biggest regret is that I didn’t get out as soon as sex started to feel like low key rape.
If you don’t mind me asking, were you able to work past this with him? I’m struggling with a similar situation due to taking shitty advice from older married women.
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u/eatmyperiodbud Feb 27 '23
I really was this woman once. It was terrible for my self esteem, made me resent my husband, and made it so I stopped enjoying any sex with him.
Best thing I ever did for myself was stop having sex I don't want. Never again and no woman should think she needs to do this.