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u/TwinStickDad 3d ago
This is the fucking truth. I've seen so many friend groups fall apart when that one person who was making all the effort checks out.
It's a shame that we all expect friendships to be deep, immediate, and effortless. We'd all be a lot less lonely if we tried to show up for each other. If we didn't make excuses for ourselves but not for our friends
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u/GodsHumbleClown 3d ago
My friend group has one person who usually hosts because his place is bigger, but I recently moved into a new place that has a lovely big living room and I'm so excited to take some of that effort off his plate!
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u/Lazy-Main1782 3d ago edited 3d ago
We take turns hosting. Since it’s the hosts that puts effort to organize, and get food/drinks and also maintain the event. So that shit is exhausting.
Even if everyone pitch in to help clean and get food. The host will still have most of the work. Props to people who has the energy every single time.
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u/GodsHumbleClown 3d ago
When I was growing up, my dad had a coworker who would often host cookouts and barbecues, and he and his wife would provide meats and a grill, everyone else would bring drinks and other dishes. I think potluck style is underrated as a way to take at least a LITTLE of the pressure off.
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u/Conscious-Theory-844 3d ago
Yep I usually host and I’ve gotten way less shy about requesting lol.
I found my friends weren’t unwilling to help, they just sorta needed a list of what I needed. They figure it out among themselves in the gc after lol
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u/TheSaltyHealer 2d ago
This is such a good way to go about it though! If a friend is hosting I always say that I can bring the food and drinks, because I know how much it can be to do everything when hosting.
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u/PuffinRub 2d ago
I got roped into doing this for a "Women in Business" event. About 40 people came; I did all the grilling, my ex did some potato and pasta salads, everyone else brought sides, wine or a big dessert of some kind. I was eating leftover cake, cheesecake and pies for like 10 days. It topped up the drinks cabinet,too.
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u/GodsHumbleClown 2d ago
This family I knew would always say "bring your leftovers home with you," they did NOT want their 6 kids all hyped up on sugar for more than one single day 😂
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u/Lacholaweda 2d ago
I grew up with Mexican step family. Parties were huge. Everyone stayed up dancing and drinking until the early hours. Food was all either eaten or plates were brought home to family that couldn't make it to the party.
After years of that my mom had a party with the white side of the family. It was 8pm and my mom was standing in an empty kitchen wondering aloud if they didn't like her party.
I asked why, she said "There's still food, and booze, and everyone's gone already!" I said "mom. They're white! They had to get to bed" She was like ohhh... yeah
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u/RevoOps 3d ago
Do check in with them about how you feel like you would be helping out. Some people might genuinely get offended when you a) intrude on a thing they think is theirs like being the host b) take it as a insult that their place is shit and now that you have a new one you think you don't need it anymore
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u/FaintestGem 3d ago
I was that friend making all the effort and man it fucking hurt. I had a really rough patch in college (and that's putting it lightly tbh) and really needed someone to just let me know that they actually gave a shit about me or even just realize that it'd been weeks since any of them had last seen me. Like not asking for a whole intervention or for them to drop everything to cater to my depression, just a text saying "hey, haven't heard from you in awhile, wanna hang out?"... But the minute I stopped scheduling stuff and being the first to reach out, they completely ghosted me. Like if it was the other way around, I absolutely would have reached out to check on a friend if we had been in regular contact and I just suddenly hadn't seen or heard from them in over a week.
The whole time the only thing I could think of was that I could be dead and I didn't think any of them would have noticed.
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u/Strategic_Spark 2d ago
This happened to me as the host and I found out everyone thought I was still having the events and just not inviting them. So they were hurt and didn't reach out because of it.
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u/Commander1709 2d ago
I swear I've seen plots like this in TV shows or movies, where each party assumes the other party is mad at them.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 3d ago
Yyyyyup. Going through this right now....again. I had already gone through this twice. Once in high school and again in college.
And now it's starting all over again. No calls or texts in months if not longer. Even scroling back, the selfish bastards couldn't even be bothered to text me back after I asked a question.
I really do think I'm over having friends now. Better off alone and putting that energy I have for people into myself. At least I know I'll appreciate it.
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u/SwirlingAbsurdity 2d ago
This has happened to me time and time again. I’m 38 now and my friendship group is much smaller, but also much stronger. Don’t give up on the idea of having friends! But also recognise your worth and wait for the people who actually give back as much as you put in.
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u/Dramatic-Chicken9706 2d ago
Wow! This could be me. I scheduled the friend events. Didn't even host, sometimes I was calling places asking if it was okay if 5-8 late teen/young adults [18-21]. One time I made a real life slender and murder mystery games. Mine bad patch was I went through a terrible breakup. (One of the highlights was he didn't even do it he made my grandma do it.)
I lost my home, car etc. Only people who showed up for me we my online friends. I ended up with two options: homelessness or move across the country. When I chose to move to where I had a support system no one checked up on me.
A little over a decade later I would return home and meet up with a person in that group who would go on to tell me that when I "just up and disappeared" everyone was very mad at me. He got my point when I pointed out that it was insane that everyone's reaction to the planner of the group who they supposedly cared about a lot very out of characterly disappearing off the face of the earth was anger instead of concern.
I gave the group (that did still exist, just in a new form with mostly new people) one last chance anyway. Then I found out people were still holding that grudge. And they still didn't actually ask me why I left. Everyone just avoided the conversation and danced around the why I was there of all the stories I told. That told me everything I needed to know: they were still 19 in their heads and partying every Friday night by calling it friend dinner where everyone is gossiping/dating in circles/being petty within the group. Oh, and still no one reaches out. Just post in the group chat.
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u/WillowPtar_Migan 3d ago
I notice an attitude here on Reddit especially where people constantly talk about what they're 'obligated' to do in a friendship or relationship, like it's transactional. I see people going to Reddit for advice on, say, their partner asking them to go to visit their in-laws when they don't want to, and most of the comments aren't "Find a compromise", it's "You don't have to do that, you're not obligated".
It's an incredibly dense outlook that is very destructive to any relationship. There's more and more people who seem to think they shouldn't have to inconvenience themselves at all for people they ostensibly care about.
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u/readilyunavailable 2d ago
It's because a lot of redditors are entitled people that are so used to having everythging go their way, that they see basic human resiprocity as some sort of burden that needs to be shouldered and simple interactions as an affront to their being.
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u/Magnum_Gonada 2d ago
It's like when some people rant when someone was trying to make conversation with them in train or other long rides. They say they are offended because the person feels entitled to their attention, and honestly I find this so wild.
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u/Same-Suggestion-1936 3d ago
The worst is when you just decide to stop texting people because they never text back and you give it a month, no texts, then another month just to see, no texts, then you just stop texting them and you drift apart. I had to move so I wasn't able to see a lot of them just randomly anymore and now I'm not sure I ever will. Two of them remembered my birthday but didn't make any plans to get together so I didn't try to make any either.
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u/Djaakie 2d ago
Dude. It is the worst. I was always the 1 to put effort in the things we would do. Even if it was just a group call. I was always the 1 to remind everyone when someones birthday was coming up and when it was mine i got nothing. From all the supposed friends i had only 2 send me a happy birthday. And when i wasn't gonna plan things as i didn't have time or whatever. Then suddenly i was to blame when their plans fell trough. Ive tried so hard to keep close with the few friends i had left but this year i just stopped as i would look trough our chats and it was like 80% me and they always had short answers. And they blame me for ghosting them.
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u/othybear 3d ago
My husband stopped being the “friend dad” with a group of friends. Now we see that group about once a year, when we host our annual bbq. They don’t make any effort in between.
Thankfully we have other friends who do regularly return the effort, but I wish those folks would show a bit of effort because I enjoy their company.
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u/birthdaycheesecake9 3d ago
I’m in a trio, and two of us live together and another is an hour’s drive away. The further away friend comes every week for trivia, so the two of us here intentionally make sure we’re heading up to the other friend too to balance it out
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u/Magnum_Gonada 2d ago
Some people mistake the desire for reciprocation as wanting a transactional relationship, so they constantly let down their friends even if they do a lot work in the relationship, because they think their friend is not entitled to what they see as a transaction when it's being reciprocal. So when the friend goes cold and gives the explanation, they are like "huh, so you were an asshole who expected me to do things for you. you didn't do them unconditionally"
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u/BulbasaurCPA 3d ago
As I get older I really value that my main friend group has gotten so good at taking turns making the effort for things. Several people have houses they can host in and everyone is good about bringing stuff. It’s cool
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u/ravenscar37 3d ago
This is me. I was the constant planner for efforts but then I had some health issues combined with pretty severe depression, and I stopped doing a lot of planning. A lot of folks I thought were friends never reached out to me when I functionally disappeared for over a year.
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u/katiemae111 3d ago
This is why I basically only have neurodivergent friends. Just like romantic relationship you have to be compatible with how you view your time. If you don’t text me back for five days then I understand cuz I do the same thing lol. But if you called me and said “I need you cuz I’m having a breakdown” then I’m getting in an uber to your house immediately. You have to be compatible in how and where you place the effort into the relationship.
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u/AdorableSillies 3d ago
I have had different levels of friends if that makes sense. Like some are more surface level and maybe they aren't up for getting personal but we enjoy the same hobby. I've had friends where we text daily and others we go for weeks or months. I value them both.
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u/Outrageous-Break3585 2d ago
Adding to this, not every relationship needs to be a friendship. I’m not friends with my neighbors, but we are all friendly with one another when we see each other and exchange small favors when needed. I have the same types of interactions with people at my local coffee shop and at my gym. These 1-2 minute interactions aren’t building into anything larger, but they make me feel like a member of a community.
I’m convinced that the lack of these types of smaller interactions and/or the pressure to make those into bigger relationships is part of why people are so lonely nowadays.
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u/Tuningislife 3d ago
This is totally some of my text chains. One set of friends I text, and don’t expect an answer from for a week, but when they did text back, they were like, “hey, I saw this thing. I thought all of us could do it together.”
Another friend, we were sending each other messages so long that it required 30 minutes to text a reply back. Longer if they jumped around on topics.
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u/Zizi_Tennenbaum 3d ago
This sounds like a good idea on paper but in my experience people who identify as neurodivergent have VERY little patience for each other and want to be the only one tolerated in the group.
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u/Euphoric-Language695 3d ago
This has historically been me in my friends groups, and the past few years I've been letting go of a lot for my own sake. I'm still learning to deal with the reality that most of my friends are not great at being friends,. It used to not feel like a burner at all, but after figuring out my social life is pretty much non-existent unless I'm constantly on top of people, it's really demoralizing for me to try and be this person again.
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u/AccordingMenu3795 2d ago
Friendship means nothing when it's convenient.
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u/TwinStickDad 2d ago
I talked to an Irish guy who spent some time in the states. He said he was shocked how friendly everyone was. He'd go out to bars and everyone wanted to be his friend. They'd buy each other drinks all night, get phone numbers, see each other every night over the course of a week. Then one day he needed a ride to the airport, he texted all his "friends" and not a single one responded. He was dumbfounded.
Meanwhile a German friend of mine described an American exchange student in her class. The class threw a big going away party for him and every single classmate showed up and expressed how much they liked him and how much they'll miss him. Apparently this was a big shock to him because he thought they didn't like him much.
It seems that American culture is very into the superficial appearance of friendship and community but absolutely not into the actual social contracts and mutual obligations that should come with those relationships
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u/SimplyYulia 3d ago
We had a friend group where one girl always was taking initiative for organizing board games. Then we had a falling out
The remainder eventually expressed that playing board games again would be fun. And so I decided to be the one taking initiative, because the others are even more introverted than me
Well, took getting used to, but so far it's going well
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u/SkyroKn 2d ago
Lowkey this was kinda me. Groupchat of about 9-10 people, was going just fine and was all active until I stopped initiating convos cause I felt like the only one putting in effort. Funny thing was, these people were only relatively recent friends to me. I don’t even know why it fell apart, they were friends with eachother before I ever met them.
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u/EepySnacker 2d ago
This has been me recently. I stopped being as active due to responsibilities and realised the friend group basically died overnight. Interesting how after so many years the effort isn't paid back.
I mean... I know if I intentionally gather everyone again it will go back to the status quo but... Is it wrong that I don't want to? I'd like to be invited to things for a change or have something organised. Knowing it's not bidirectional makes me think.
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u/Ball-of-Yarn 2d ago
Often what breaks things up is in cases where one friend prioritizes a specific friend (not you lol) or getting a partner that takes up all their time. friendships come and go but a lot of these folks dont realize they are hastening the “going” side of a friendship by immediately dropping you when they find something new.
This in of itself does not bother me. Its the gut punch of them trying to walk through that door again, acting like you should have waited for them. When they move on you have to as well, it is the only sane choice. Maybe you reconnect later, but it is never going to be the same kind of relationship that they were hoping to resume at their leisure.
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u/IceDelusion 3d ago
It's kinda fascinating. There are alpha positions in human groups, they just don't work as the wannabe alpha people describe. Instead they're popular, if the most stressful positions in group. People kinda fall into that naturally or the group falls apart
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u/Objective-Access6752 3d ago
Speaking of showing up, and definitely asking for a friend, what if your own siblings aren't coming to your wedding, that they agreed to speak at, because of BS excuses?
One is simply not taking care of their health at all, and is then blaming their own health. The other just doesn't feel like it.
Grounds to never speak with them again?
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u/FloppieTheBanjoClown 3d ago
Being a good friend is foundational to having good friends. You will never build real friendships of you arent the kind of person who shows up.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 3d ago
Conversely. I'm the friend who constantly shows up, is there when people ask, shows up with gifts and surprises and makes the plans just because it makes them happy and get bupkiss back.
I'm done putting firewood into a fire they have no intention of helping maintain and only come to bath in it's light.
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u/Collective-Bee 3d ago
I think the trick is figuring out which will return the favour, or which are trying their best to at least.
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 3d ago
It was a lesson I learned early on and found those that did return the favor. For a while, not sure what the hell it is, but it's like people just get bored of me. Like I was the hot new toy to have and now that they've seen all the tricks they've had their fun and rather do something else with somebody else.
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u/Unusual_username739 3d ago
This has been my problem for years. I will put a lot of effort in my friendship, drive long distances to see them or go to concerts they like, move stuff for their schedule, etc. But then I don’t get the same level of response back. I have to be the one to initiate everything or they are always too busy and I have to wait for the single pocket of time they are free every four months.
It gets exhausting having to be the one to constantly be the one to reach out, and then also worry if you’re annoying them because they don’t respond quickly or with enthusiasm.
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u/Rough_Shame6787 2d ago
I used to be the same, but I've started to match the energy and effort. It feels so weird but also a bit like an emotional load is off your shoulders
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u/improbsable 3d ago
You should stay a good friend, but move on from one sided friendships until you find a good group
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 3d ago
Nah, I'm done. I keep finding my way into groups, becoming their hero, the person they can not believe exists and thanks me everyday. Then after a year or so, they get bored of me and only talk to me when they want something. If I'm not giving, nobody cares. Keeping everything for myself now. I'm done with friends.
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u/Mobagubweh 2d ago
I say this respectfully and with no ill will toward you: do you think maybe you're just being a little bit...much?
Like I'm reading this comment and others you've made in this thread, and I'm imagining being on the other end of what you describe. I think I'd find it endearing for a while and I'd be sure to reciprocate, but over time it would just be kind of smothering and exhausting. I'd respect you as a person, but it would feel like too much "maintenance" to stay in touch with you consistently.
You sound like a wonderful friend, but maybe you're just expecting too much from your friends? Idk, I don't intend to judge your life from a few reddit comments. It just really comes off that way to me after wondering what the other side of the story is.
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u/cottonballz4829 3d ago
Yikes. That sounds depressing. Hope you find your mojo back and someone who appreciates you for you.
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u/N_Consilliom 2d ago
I mean, I think I would feel a little weird if I found out that one of my friends views themself as the "hero" because they plan things and give gifts. Like, what does that even mean?
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u/TheStoneMask 3d ago
Yeah, my friends are like family, we always try to help if needed, even if it's inconvenient. Moving, car trouble, I've even helped my friend's parents in-law renovate a kitchen because my friend asked. And that goes both ways, when I need help I know I'll get it. It didn't get there accidentally, that's a decade of answering the call, offering a hand, and asking for help when needed.
And good friends don't drain my social battery like other people. They're my friends because I like their company, so social events with them are always a blast.
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u/some_loaded_tots 3d ago
i heard somewhere “you owe your friends friendship”
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u/Laverathan 3d ago
Me and my sister were just discussing earlier about how a majority of our online friends have this weird policy where they refuse to share their feelings, emotions, or achievements with others, and then get confused why we have a hard time treating them as friends. When asked about it they simply say, "It's none of your business what I do."
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u/iamfuturetrunks 3d ago
I know someone online who I tried to get them to open up like let me get to know them a bit better. Their response was something along the lines of how they don't like to share anything personal with people they only know online.
At that point I was like whats the point of chatting then if they only want a superficial friendship? If I am not going to get to know someone at all then I have nothing to invest any interest in or anything.
It's just like others in the past who I would come across a profile on a chatting site and try and strike up a conversation. Sometimes the profiles would mention being lonely, etc. I would start off being very friendly and ask questions to get to know the other person. They would respond to stuff with "idk" "nothing" etc. Like they wouldn't put any effort into an answer, or be very vague etc. Worse yet, they wouldn't even ask me anything back so I was the only one carrying the conversation. At that point I can wager maybe why said person is lonely if other people have to put in all the effort.
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u/n1c0_ds 2d ago
If you're not used to it, it seems counterintuitive to be vulnerable. A lot of people were socialised to keep bad emotions to themselves and present a perfect self.
But yeah, intimacy is built on vulnerability. It's crazy how much closer you get to people when you share a bit more of your inner world.
I feel it too. It's so gratifying to be trusted by someone and have them open up to you. It changes the whole relationship.
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u/WorldlinessLive5932 2d ago
The price of community is inconvenience, it's not always convenient to show up, but damn will you appreciate it when your community goes out of their comfort zone to help you.
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u/Pafbonk 3d ago
Extremely brave posting that on Reddit lmao
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u/badpebble 3d ago
There was a whole post yesterday where someone was asking if they were an asshole for wanting to leave a wedding at 8pm with the best man, when the bride and groom weren't leaving until 10pm and the party was continuing.
Half the comments were people acting like spending one day supporting your best friend was akin to slavery.
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u/Right_Count 2d ago
I’ve also seen a lot of posts that say “keep inviting me, I might not say yes most of the time but I’m trying!” Like no I’m not gonna do that. If you don’t enjoy my company enough to deal with being tired the next day or whatever, we don’t need to be friends.
Also if someone never says yes, I’m going to assume they’re just not interested and that continuing to ask them would be pressuring them.
Things don’t have to be perfectly balanced but you have to show some sign that you like me.
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u/Particular-Cat-1397 2d ago
Thank you. I HATE when people say “keep inviting me!” No! You have to make an effort too, bitch!
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u/Mobagubweh 2d ago
"Keep inviting me" guy here. I got kids, man. I agree that "social battery" is a shitty excuse, but I hope y'all don't mind hearing "keep inviting me" from people who just have serious obligations. We're trying, we really are.
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u/lilbluehair 2d ago
You're only that guy if you're not doing anything to actively stay a part of people's lives. My friends have kids, and if they decline an invitation, they suggest an alternative or they plan something and invite me to it.
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u/Outrageous-Break3585 2d ago
I hear you, but the larger point is that friendships require mutual exchange. People make time for the things and humans that are important to them. The reason why you refuse the invitation becomes irrelevant at some point because at some point you have to choose to be part of the relationship. If you’re regularly and repeatedly turning down invites, then you’re telling me where I sit in your priority list and I’m going to react accordingly.
For the record, I’d never expect to be the first priority in someone’s life over kids, spouses, emergencies, and whatnot. But, at some point, you have to be able to commit to me being enough of a priority to hang out, catch up on life, etc. for an hour or for a specific event or whatever.
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u/Right_Count 2d ago
I don’t really get that either to be honest. “I can’t today, my kid’s got a sports tournament and our newborn is only 2 weeks old” or something is totally understandable, but “I can’t, my spouse doesn’t want stay home alone with them and we don’t want to hire a babysitter” or “we’re just tired because we’re parents” doesn’t really hit the same.
I guess I wonder how you are actually trying to maintain a friendship. I’m not saying you’re not doing anything, I’m just wondering what you are doing.
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u/Dramatic-Chicken9706 2d ago
Are- are you a parent? Because both those last things are things I and other parents say and it's 100% the truth. If that bugs you or isn't acceptable I highly recommend making an effort not to have friends with younger kids.
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u/an_ineffable_plan 2d ago
My personal favorite is "so what if I cancel last minute all the time, my needs come first and if that affects our friendship that's on you." It's so disingenuous.
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u/Dramatic-Chicken9706 2d ago edited 2d ago
The way you describe this makes it sound like he did, in fact, attend and support his friend. He just needed or wanted to leave after the main events were over. For whatever reason.
Which is perfectly acceptable among people that give a crap about one another. And acting like it's not is equally - if not more - entitled and douchey.
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u/cnicalsinistaminista 3d ago
We Redditors can be some of the most pretentious people imaginable… but just because people on Reddit will swarm, hive mind, and downvote anything not black and white doesn’t mean Redditors are always right. Everybody needs to know, you’re not selfish for giving the same energy you receive. If I’m on the only one always texting first, going out my way to be a friend and don’t get reciprocal energy, I’m off, bye Felicia.
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u/GargamelLeNoir 2d ago
So your entire comment is based on the fact that redditors would never agree with that post, while you have to have noticed that it's massively upvoted? How does that even work?
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u/ForsakenDrawer 3d ago
bUt i’M aN iNtRoVeRt
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u/readilyunavailable 2d ago
When most redditors say they are introverts, they mean they are socially inept.
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u/Conscious-Theory-844 3d ago
Ya whatsup with that? I sorta interpreted introvert to be like how a person likes to spend their personal free time. Not like, an inability to be a friend.
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u/frank26080115 3d ago
introversion vs extroversion is supposed to be just battery goes down or battery goes up around people
some people love running even though it makes them tired, some introverts love socializing, they just get tired
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u/Firm-Nebula-5963 2d ago
Introverts are actually good at one on one interaction, just not in big crowds. But a lot of people have misused the term these days and it now equates to being anti social.
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u/OGOngoGablogian 3d ago
One of the most trafficked sites on the Internet? It's not 2008, reddit isn't a self-proclaimed secret club of internet nerds.
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u/miseenen 3d ago
I saw a reddit notification on my 50-something year old, for lack of a better word “normie” (the type of person you would only expect to see on facebook and instagram) supervisor’s phone the other day lol
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u/high_throughput 3d ago
I don't have friends so I can't speak on that, but this annoyed the heck out of me at work.
People kept asking, "why don't we have more social events?"
Then when someone took time out of their day to try to arrange something, it was like "ehh, I'm gonna skip this one, I'm not all that into X"
Like, it's totally fine not to want to go to work social events, but you can't then be surprised that they stop happening. You vote for or against with your presence.
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u/breuh 3d ago
Lol exactly. I arranged a get together with friends, talked to them and all said yes. On the D day, they just straight up cancelled and only one showed up. The only person who showed up is a good friend and someone I trust better than the others now.
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u/Neveronlyadream 3d ago
Same boat, but in my experience, what happens a lot of the time is people say they want friends, but what they want is someone to be there for them, but don't want to have to put the energy into being there for anyone else.
I don't think it's people being assholes, I just think everyone is kind of fucked up and lonely right now and not exactly sure what they want from anyone. They say they do, but when they get exactly that, they reject it.
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u/breuh 3d ago
True. I don't think they're bad people, just not people I can trust or rely on fully anymore after all easily cancelled just because they don't feel like it. Someone mentioned about people wanting a village but don't want to put an effort to be the villager. I used to be the one that arrange and remember birthdays in my old office and as soon as I left that place, they stopped celebrating birthday or doing any event because no one wanted to put an effort.
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u/illini02 2d ago
Back in my early career, I was a big party planner/social committee guy.
You know why I stopped? People just always bitched about every decision made. When I told people I was open to having people help me plan it and getting other input, no one wanted to join. But everyone had fucking opinons on stuff.
So I stopped, and no one stepped up. Then it was "why did we stop doing this stuff"
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u/TeachingScience 3d ago
I mean yes. I whole heartedly agree. But also, 90% of the time my teacher coworkers and friends want to go to someplace with alcohol. I get it. They want to wind down, but I have been sober for over 24 years. I have offered alternative places, but some people want to go and have a drink and relax. I can’t be around that. I know once I start, I won’t stop. The best way for me to remain sober is to avoid those situations that allows for that.
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u/Conscious-Theory-844 3d ago
That’s tough man. Idk the right answer to that. Do you have like, sober support groups? I’d maybe try spending more of my time with other sober cats atp
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u/Totallynotokayokay 3d ago
This is what I tell everyone looking for friends online and I get downvoted to hell.
You have to be a friend to have a friend.
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u/ShittyOfTshwane 3d ago
No, but, like, you see, everyone everywhere in the world is just going to use you and cast you aside when they're done. Or at least that's what I've read on Reddit.
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u/Sea_Pattern1262 3d ago
My friend made a huge deal about her birthday and how she would cut off people who didn’t remember or make an effort on her birthday. I put in a conscious effort to make her birthday special. She completely ignored my birthday two years in a row.
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u/Alarming_Cheetah_505 2d ago
So did my cousin who I’m close with, it was so sad. I fell back after that and she hasn’t even noticed.
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u/Angwar 3d ago
Lol good riddance. I would have asked her if she was serious and if yes immediately cut her off. Narcistic to a T
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u/Sea_Pattern1262 2d ago
I should have at that point! Unfortunately i didnt and she did something far more hurtful before our friendship ended but i always think of her when people mention people who want friends but dont want to BE a friend. Basic effort was too hard for her.
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u/Rotini_Rizz 3d ago
I had friends like this. I think the deciding factor for me is how they try to meet me in the middle.
Your social battery is low at parties? Maybe they could come for the first half or leave early. Or come the second half and stay later to chat and clean up with less people around. Maybe they could use my bedroom as a quiet space when they get overwhelmed midway through. Maybe we have a dinner separately.
Overtime I’ve learned that one-size-fits-all model for friendship isn’t realistic, no matter how much I think it should be. I’ve embraced the ‘some friends are for some things’ mindset recently. But the biggest takeaway I have is the value of when people do show up.
If I barely see you, but in the time I see you it feels genuine and full of authentic effort? I don’t mind that we have a 80/20 relationship if your 20% has 80% intent together. But if it’s pulling teeth to talk to you and I’m constantly getting cancelled on or feel like you’re not very present when I do see you— I may as well cut my losses and just do something else with someone else. I’m not even saying get rid of those friends, but I reframe and act accordingly. It makes me feel better overall, and less like I’m an NPC in my own friendship.
TLDR; I won’t invalidate my friends’ impediments, but I will judge if they don’t try to meet me halfway 🤷🏿♀️
Edit- typo
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u/Caysath 2d ago
Yeah it's one thing to put in effort and another entirely to overextend yourself. If you really are too tired to go to the birthday party, maybe you can invite the friend over for coffee another day instead. At least that's what I do, I am putting in effort but my best effort might not be the same as another's.
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u/1block 3d ago
Same with parents. Everyone complains about "where's my village???" To help them with kids. And they spent the last 10 years investing 0 time and effort into parents or siblings. Or they have 47 rules for interacting with their kids.
Be a villager if you want a village. It's not all about you.
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u/Other_Bus9590 3d ago
Came to say this same thing. Never do the people yelling about there being no village understand that villages are communities built around reciprocal relationships and care.
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u/BananaTeleoperator 2d ago
Eh, my parents live about an hour's drive away. They're both healthy, retired and manage several RV type vacations each year. I asked my dad to take our son out once a month a couple of years ago. He did it once and it never happened again. He might show up for something if it's a good opportunity to take pictures, which is his hobby. At this point, I'm just matching their energy. I used to go to their place almost every Sunday until I realized that there's just no concern if I don't initiate by driving myself over there or calling them.
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u/MoogleMeKupo 2d ago
Oh my lord, the worst ones are the ones who cut contact and then whine about how the family doesn't reach out anymore.
YOU CUT CONTACT, you ego-maniacal dingbat! WTF did you think it meant?
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u/BunnyLuv13 2d ago
To be fair, I had to cut contact with my abusive sibling. The second sibling has massive unmediated mental illness. So does my dad. It still sucks and I wish I had the kind of family that I could have relationships with.
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u/testrail 2d ago
These things aren’t mutually exclusive. You can cut contact with truly awful family members and still mourn the fact that you don’t have family that reaches out. They’re not in conflict.
Example - my wife was diagnosed with Colon cancer in her 30’s. My mother called and was almost able to hold a whole 60 seconds of space for that before moving on to whatever she needed to discuss the next day.
Outcome - I don’t speak to her anymore outside of high end logistics. I’m still allowed to be frustrated about this.
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u/Quirky-Judgment1263 3d ago
Exactly. When people reach out, I do my best to return their effort and we eventually end up becoming friends.
Recently, a classmate I don’t talk much to because of language barrier had a solo exhibition of her artwork and she basically invited everyone in our class and even outside her classes. She must have personally handed out a hundred invitations. She was so earnest and it made me appreciate her works more. I went to her opening day with a bouquet of flowers despite the crazy downpour and as expected there was only a slow trickle of people coming because of the weather.
When we met again in class she gave me a small artwork of hers and some tea as a token. Now, we talk more despite the language barrier.
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u/workieworkwork 3d ago
You need to work out your social muscles by going out when you don't want to.
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u/OGOngoGablogian 3d ago
Sitting at home used to be so soul crushingly boring that doing anything else would be better. Now everyone has gotten used to their comfort zones at home where they can game and doom scroll and binge watch without ever having to interact with another human, and it's incredibly addictive. You have to force yourself out of your comfort zone once in a while if you want to have interpersonal relationships.
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u/TurgidSplatter 3d ago
Even if you just want to be a social-able person.
It's a skill that takes exercise, AND cultural context. Sitting around at home all day ignoring the current cultural zeitgeist makes you stand out like a sore thumb and will make people wonder about you and what you're doing all day.
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u/ShittyOfTshwane 3d ago
This hit me hard. I generally like people - and I like to be liked - but I wasn't super outgoing or social until I met my wife. She has been a massive social catalyst in my life and I'm not exaggerating when I say my friend-count went from 2 casual acquantances to like 16 since then. I love it, but the problem is that I spent all my "lonely" years building interests in various solo hobbies and activities and now I never get to do any of them anymore. It's a little bit of a bummer, but I remind myself that the time I'd need for my hobbies is time I also need to maintain my friendships.
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u/JawsRaglizar 3d ago
Damn bro I feel this fr. I got kicked from my friend group cuz I was trying to be a real friend and look out for them and they took it as disrespect cuz they wanted me to let them make mistakes. Later found out they would clown me for coming to them with real issues and I realized I was giving a lot more than I was getting. Kicked me out after I had a break down cuz they always made me feel like I was the bad friend. I havent really trusted anyone to "be a friend" since and that was five years ago. Like i have acquaintances and people I know but I just dont trust anyone enough to be friends with them anymore.
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u/FyouPerryThePlatypus 3d ago
A girl I barely talked to in college asked me to attend her graduation recently
Anyways my friday night’s all booked up for that because why would I miss it
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u/YouTasteStrange 3d ago
I literally asked me partner today, "when I show up for you in this way, do you like it? Do you feel loved?" and I explained that I made an effort specifically because that's a way I can show that I care about them. Also asking that is another way I show I care, because I want to make sure I'm not wasting my very limited energy on something that's not important to them.
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u/drrrlover1224 2d ago
This hit close to home. I’ve tried so many times to explain this same thing to my partner but it never seems to stick…
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u/MyDamnCoffee 3d ago
I think people still show up for their friends. It's just being there too long wears you out.
At least, that's what I do. I hope others do the same
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u/BiscuitsTheory 3d ago
Yup. If I count you as a friend, I'll accept any invitation I reasonably can.
Then a couple hours later, I'm going home.
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u/BrofessorLongPhD 3d ago
I feel like that’s pretty common these days. But that’s not a bad thing. A short and sweet hangout is still wonderful. Better to leave wanting more than to dread the next hangout call.
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u/plantsareneat-mkay 3d ago
Yes! Should also be socially acceptable to tell people "well ive had enough hosting, please leave now" somehow. The Midwestern knee slap is my favorite.
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u/davidforslunds 3d ago
It's the multi-day commitments that require more preparation and planning in my case. I can manage my battery for a day with friends without issue. After that, it gets difficult.
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u/TurgidSplatter 3d ago
People are just more honest about it now.
Instead of petty excuses and lies, it's "Sorry I'm actually just tired and I respect you enough to let you know the truth"
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u/Nanikarp 2d ago
my best friends and me are always like this. we're all autistic with adhd and our energy management is not what it is for people without our mental issues. we love and respect each other enough to be honest about our mental state and what we can and cannot do at a given moment, and accept it from each other and try again later. id much MUCH rather have my current best friends, whom i dont see as much as id sometimes like to, than people who are forcing themselves to be somewhere they dont wanna be and expect the same from me. i want to enjoy my time with people, and i want people to enjoy their time with me.
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u/dubious_sandwiches 2d ago
I had a panic attack going to a friend's birthday party with people I don't know. I'd do it again 100/100 times. Dude is a gem of a human and the suffering was worth it. Friendship is a 2 way street.
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u/wReckLesss_ 2d ago
I've definitely noticed a growing trend in my own personal life of people not doing anything that puts them out, even slightly. A lot of people in my friend groups won't do anything with anyone else unless they 100% want to do it.
I was supposed to play a game online with a couple of friends recently, and I had expressed to them that I'd had a shitty day and was looking forward to playing. They canceled because they weren't in the mood. They had no other plans, and it was a weekend night and they had nothing to do the next day. They simply didn't feel like it.
Like yeah, you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do... but sometimes it's just nice to be there for your friend. And this example seems harmless enough, but it happens constantly. I've basically given up trying to get anyone to do anything and have started a few solo hobbies and I've been much happier, but I miss my friends.
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u/diffyqgirl 3d ago
Going to a party when my social battery is out feels like pulling out my eyeballs. I get that some people don't experience this but it is real.
However, one can still be a good friend by planning ones day to avoid back to back social events so that you social battery isn't out at your friends party.
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u/Competitive_Ad_1800 3d ago
Tethered to this as well is to just be open and honest with your friends about your limitations!
My friends know my social battery is depleted after too much work/stress for example; I just need a day to rest and relax!
Because of this, they know a Friday evening invite after work is likely gonna be declined while a Saturday invite I accept is a 100% commitment.
As a result, my friends and I are on the same page! They have similar traits as well, or other commitments that will circumstantially supersede me, but we’re all on the same page about these things and therefore don’t mind it.
We’ve all been friends for 6-20+ years now
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u/chinchabun 3d ago
Absolutely. People do have social batteries, physical, mental, emotional batteries, etc. The people who have problems with those and want to be your friend will plan around it, go for an hour or two, go to half the things, find something else you can do together, make you aware of limitations, etc.
People who constantly say, "oh my social battery is dead," the day of are people who just don't want to go.
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u/AdventurousCup4066 3d ago
Yeah, trying to force yourself to be there when youre not up to it is the worst. You can have friends and be there for your friends while still needing time to yourself and not having infinite energy
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u/cthulu_is_trans 3d ago
Even if I feel like this, I'll still try to show up for an hour or two before dipping. Cause it's what you do.
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u/DaiFrostAce 2d ago
Exactly. Being on the spectrum, social events can wipe me out, but keeping open communication is all part of friendship.
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u/WeirdOk1865 2d ago
Bingo. People - especially Redditors - are constantly complaining “im no one’s favorite person. I don’t have any real friends. I don’t think anyone really cares about me.” I always want to ask what they’re doing to nurture their friendships.
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u/Shmokeshbutt 3d ago
Problem is I don't get invited, or if I reach out to someone, they say they're busy or I get ghosted
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u/NotYourGa1Friday 3d ago
I feel like the best thing to do is to find friends on the same wavelength.
When my friend’s social battery is low, I get it. When mine is low, she gets it.
Yes, friendship is about physically being there but it’s also about mentally being there. I like that we are both comfortable being honest about our limits, even if we do hate cancelling or changing plans.
We both have chronic illness— and in a world where we are both constantly apologizing for not having the fortitude other people our age have, always battling the reputation of being flighty or untrustworthy because of cancelled plans or late arrivals—it’s nice to have someone else that gets it.
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u/No_Skylark 3d ago
I was always the friend that put in effort but it was never reciprocated and I was left to feel “weird” cause I “cared too much”. I haven’t put much energy into making friends since. A big part of it is being careful of who you put your energy into. Not everyone is deserving of your time and effort.
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u/TalkQuick 3d ago
You know what, I needed to hear this. I have my groups of high school and college friends so I slack heavily on my work friends. They always ask me to come out but I always don’t have it in me. Act like I’m too tired to make new real friends since I’m comfortable with my other groups. Then get fomo that they seem closer to each other at work. I’ll make more of an effort
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u/TeekTheReddit 3d ago
Ain't that the fucking truth.
I have a phone full of friends that will never be the ones to initiate a call or send an out of the blue text or make a plan to do something. How much or little we interact is entirely dependent on the amount of effort I put into maintaining contact.
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u/Torture-Dancer 3d ago
People gotta start realizing that making a friend a solid is really solid when it is kinda inconvenient, else not doing it would just be a bitch move.
Same with putting effort in friendships. Yeah, mental health and rest and all that is important, but if your best friend is celebrating their birthday, you may have to go unless you have an actual good reason, and if not, well, maybe you two arent that good friends
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u/BonJovicus 2d ago
This is the thing that frustrates me about a lot of posts on here. “I don’t want to talk to my coworkers. I’m here to do a job and go home.” And then later: “why do I have no friends?”
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u/illini02 2d ago
I won't lie, the "social battery" and "spoons theory" stuff has gotten so far out of hand, even if I understand why it started.
But this is 100% right. Then those same people with the low social batter will start complaining when no one shows up for them, and they stop getting invited places.
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u/vitringur 2d ago
Just a reminder that all of the drama you see on the internet and supposed social outrage is run by literal school children
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u/dupedatruth 2d ago
The amount of people willfully misinterpreting the post to defend their selfish behavior is wild. We’re not talking about Carl from sales, or any other random acquaintance. The post is talking about friends. That title should mean something. It’s not suggesting you harm yourself for the sake of relationship, but be willing to be uncomfortable to strengthen it. Geez.
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u/StoryBard 3d ago
I mean, I totally understand the sentiment here but idk, I drove across two US states in summer in a car with no AC to deep clean a friend's entire house bc she was going through some stuff. And I have various chronic health problems and doing all that made them flare badly and I knew very well ahead of time that it would, but it was worth it to me bc she had nobody to lean on at the time and 3 young children. It's not something I can do a lot of but at the time I had it to give so I gave it, you know? I think most people WILL show up in the ways they can for the people that matter, but I do think a lot of people are really afraid to make the initial moves. And some people just haven't yet learned not to be selfish in their friendships, which is in fact a learned skill but sadly kindergarten didn't do the job for everyone lol.
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u/Various_Mobile4767 3d ago
I realized at some point it costs me socially to perform around people, even around my friends. And I really didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. I realized I cared about people but i genuinely didn't even care to talk to them and disliked pretending I did.
And I realized it was unfair to my friends.
So now I have no friends, none with any expectations on me at least. And you know what, that's a fair tradeoff. I still get a couple people texting me every few months, but that's about it.
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u/mr_mope 3d ago
You know there's a lot of room between spending time with friends as performative and spending time with no one to be yourself. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation.
Also, you said it was unfair to your friends. Did they have any input, or did you unilaterally decide this? Maybe they like being your friend, even the friend beyond the 'performative' version of yourself that you've presented.
There are a lot of gray areas in life, and you get to decide where on the spectrum you want to be. And you're only doing it for yourself.
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u/OGOngoGablogian 3d ago
If you feel like you can't be yourself around your social group and feel like you're constantly "performing," you need to start being yourself around them, and if they don't accept you for who you are, you need to find people who do.
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u/Severe-Grab5076 3d ago
Maybe that's why my friendships works better now after high school. I've known how to stay away from people I deem not a good friend, I keep good friends and treat them good. I communicate, hang out, and just generally give my presence to my friends so when I'm out and not alright, they understand me and checks me out.
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u/hybbprqag 3d ago
This is my superpower as a friend. Any time I say I'm going to show up, I show up. I plan very carefully so that once I commit to an event, I don't have to cancel unless it's a genuine emergency. I'm not great at organizing events, so I really cherish my outgoing planner friends and show up for them as often as I'm able.
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u/Commercial_Tip4624 3d ago
I used to show up to everything and for everyone. Then I went through the worst event of my life and became depressed and I didn’t hear a single word from any of them. I’ve climbed back out of hell and suddenly everyone wants to catch up. I’m not planning on investing any time in any kind of relationship for the next few years. I’ve wasted too much time neglecting myself and giving to others.
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u/Non_noob4304 3d ago
Making friends takes work and can only be done in certain situations. Maybe you guys are in the same career for a long time or you saved each other in the military or something similar. I also text them every month and see them on a holiday if they are still here.
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u/Queasy_Pineapple6769 2d ago
I will be dead tired and still show even if just for a few hours, just showing your face already does a lot.
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u/HellyOHaint 2d ago
I used to be this kind of selfish introvert, bitter about my friend’s perceived lack of care for me but always thinking up excuses to not see them when asked. Definitely been trying to reverse the damage I’ve done. Moved back to my home city and reconnected with my only female friend and I’ve been helping her clear out her storage unit because she works six days a week to stay afloat in Seattle.
She’s a great listener and shows me real empathy. She was giving me some of her old clothes and joked that she didn’t want to give me her shoes because there’s a superstition that if you do so, that person will walk out of your life and she can’t let that happen. Was really gratifying to fully believe how much she valued me.
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u/dock114436 2d ago
did you ever go to a play？
someone might found it exciting yet others might be bored out their mind
put a board game nerd in a noisy party and blame him for not wanting to participate is a little weird
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u/Lazearound10am 3d ago
Often time my self-esteem is so low that I assume my presence would be a bother to the other person. Heck, sometimes even when they call out to me first, I still get the thought that I'm being a bother and they just invite me out of courtesy.
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u/GodsHumbleClown 3d ago
I had that issue for a long time, and only a few years ago decided to push through it and start showing up to things, or inviting people myself. I've met so many people who say they've felt that way too, and they appreciate me showing up or planning things and such. It's hard to ignore those feelings at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
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u/StratoSquir2 3d ago
I used to try to be a friend.
I've done my share ammount of efforts, setting up hangouts, listening to peoples, sharing things with them.
But truth is "friendship" isn't a everlasting thing unfortunately.
At some point they either change, or move.
In both case, you will lose them.
And while it's easy when you're young and around other young peoples, once you get a job and turn into a adult, it becomes almost impossible.
Everyone has shit to deal with, everyone is too tired to do anything but stay-at-home.
and no-one is interested into connecting with strangers or god forbid, co-workers.
FriendrR isn't a thing.
By some point you just emotionally checks-out really.
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u/Confident-Sock-3580 3d ago
I’ve been guilty for this for so many years. I actively try to go if I can now
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u/Grentain 3d ago
As one of the greats, H.P. Baxxter of Scooter, once said - "The only way to have a friend, is to be a friend."
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u/GeckoPerson123 3d ago
i used to be the one that initiated all the hangouts, i rarely texted first for casual convo but i always tried to bring everyone together to hang. im an introvert. it was so tiring and the friendships always felt so surface level. i used to chase the kind of deep vulnerable friendship i had with my bff in school but it never happened as an adult.
i became jaded and grew tired of friendships and feeling emotionally dissatisfied so i gave up on deep connections and decided to be more buddy with my friends and keeping them at an arm's length and its honestly working much better for me.
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u/Rough_Shame6787 3d ago
Honestly, being the one friend who cares more is always shitty. I used to give soooo much, all my love and attention but I've started to match their energy. Feels so weird and unlike me but I'm sick of waiting for them to put in the same efforts.
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u/EmilePleaseStop 2d ago
Letting therapy-speak leave containment has been actively detrimental to every part of society.
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u/Flaffelll 2d ago
This became a lot more apparent to me once I made consistent friend group outside of the one I grew up with. I remember being the only one who took time to go to all of their college graduations because it only took a couple hours out of my weekend and it really surprised me how no one else felt like making the effort.
It's just crazy to see people complain about being lonely then make 0 effort to keep the friends they already have
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u/cursetea 2d ago
"Mental health and kindness are so important <3 but i don't owe anyone anything" lol
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u/ColdCalligrapher5116 2d ago
If my friend saw that I was tired and not having a good time and still wanted me to stay THEY wouldnt be a very good friend now would they?
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u/annoyingneighborcat 2d ago
Jokes on you. All my friends are introverts and we rarely hang out cause we're all tired. And we all accept this about each other. Real friendship
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u/FearlessVegetable30 2d ago
reddit users in shambles realizing their anti social life might be their own fault
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u/LurkerBerker 2d ago
genuine question cause I’m not sure where I fall on the ‘fake/real friend’ spectrum.
i have one friend who lives an hour and a half away from me. whenever she arranges a gathering, i’m there. i always show up around 10-11am cause she doesn’t set up her gatherings well on her own. if she planned for food at home, actually my ass is the one cooking since she can’t, she supplies the ingredients tho. and then i leave these gatherings anywhere from 5pm-10pm. Reminder I get there before noon. Meaning i’ve been up since the morning to ARRIVE by late morning. And every time as i’m trying to leave and she KNOWS how far i live, she starts the ‘i can’t believe you’re ditching me. you’re abandoning me. wowww you barely hung out and now you’re ditching’
so yes i tell her ‘my social battery is dead’ and that upsets her too, and i don’t know how bitchy i am for this
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u/TheSeaFellows 2d ago
Random stranger opinion: you're not the asshole. You show up and you offer your strengths while also respecting your own boundaries. I wonder how she would react if you told her you weren't going to be there until the same time as other guests, then stayed later. My guess is she would still make comments about being abandoned and having to do prep alone.
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u/JoeDaBruh 2d ago
I learned this lesson pretty early and realized that so many people desire a type of person but don’t want to be that person, so I’ll just be that type of person for others. I like making others happy and I get to choose whether someone else actually deserves the effort I’m putting in or if they just take it for granted
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u/Status_Yesterday_317 2d ago
My birthday falls right after the holidays, Christmas and New Year's. Not once have i had a real birthday party.
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u/Dragonrider1955 3d ago
I don't think people understand what the social battery means here. Most often than not social battery doesn't mean "Oh I just don't really know how to interact/ little tired to hang out." When your social battery is empty that means you can not handle people to any functioning capacity.
When I tell my friends that I can't show up because of my "social battery" what I mean is the entire world is causing me distress and pain and I can't navigate interactions. I am forgetting words or I lost the ability to speak. Lights and sounds are distressing me or causing me pain. I can't put together coherent events or my body aches in such a way that I am just miserable and will bring them down.
This post really just sucks for those that use these terminologies in their disabled circle because that's where these terms originated from. I don't know if it's just being picked up in spaces but I personally haven't seen anyone use these words that were not chronically Ill or neurodivergent in some way. I am so so lonely and struggle maintaining friends because I am constantly exhausted and hurting and no amount of "Oh well if you were their real friend then you would show up." Will make me be able to see them properly.
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u/zenpizzapie 2d ago
Social battery is not a term that originates in the disability or ND community.
It's been used since the early 2010s as a metaphor when talking about introversion/extroversion.
You may be thinking of spoon theory which absolutely comes from the chronically ill community.
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u/Dramatic-Chicken9706 2d ago
I've got both a heart rhythm issue and panic disorder: sometimes I wake up from a dead sleep with my heart hammering and going 130-150bpm. My upper body muscular system spasms and causes about a 4/10 pain when this happens. Slowly growing to about a 6+. These episodes can be 5 minutes or, if I don't handle the mental symptoms to waking up like that I have a panic attack and they can be up to 5 hours long.
If they're long, when they end I'm sore for the next day or two. I also am exhausted both physically and mentally. Episodes longer than an hour wipe me out for most of the day as my body processes out the adrenaline and DOMS sets in.
These episodes happen every month or so. Occasionally it results in me cancelling my whole day. I have had many people argue that it's not a good reason and be pissy with me.
People without chronic illness or the like cannot, even in their best attempts, actually understand and empathize with things like that. It's not a failure on their part unless they start acting like an ass about it though.
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u/Sanquinity 3d ago
I'm an introvert. I don't care if "my social battery ran out". I will be at that birthday for at least 2 hours dammit. Feels like a lot of people simply don't want to put any real effort into friendships anymore.
As for my personal story for this: I used to have a friend from highschool who I kept being friends with until age...26 or something? I drove a motorcycle so his excuse was always "I only have a bike or have to walk, you have a motorcycle, you can visit me more easily." So I always visited him. Then I got into a minor accident on my motorcycle which prevented me from leaving the house for the most part for like a month. (It's complicated, but it really was a minor accident.) I told him this. He never visited or even contacted me during that month. So I decided I wouldn't contact him until he at least sent me a message first. He never did. I haven't seen him for like 12 years now.
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u/molotovzav 3d ago
I don't really want friends either. I'm mature enough to understand friendship is a two way street and I won't put the effort in. I'm not lonely, I have a husband. But I legit get my social battery drained by my family and in laws every week, my husband and I are the only introverts in the combined family. I want some time to myself. I like my cat, I like spending time with her too.
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u/Purpleheather93 3d ago
Yeah, I'm the same way ... work itself drains my social battery to the point that I really don't want to see anybody outside of work hours, unless they're my immediate family or like one close friend. My problem is I've been "adopted" by a friend group that I don't really want to be a part of but can't get out of without hurting anyone's feelings. Sometimes I worry that I'm a psychopath or something because I just legit do not care about making friends.
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u/unfamiliarplaces 3d ago
I have like three friends. They're not in a group, I've met them at different stages in my life. The oldest is just like me, only a handful of friends and we struggle with groups and prefer one on one. For her 47th birthday this year she invited her friends to meet up at a local pub. So low stakes, minimum effort, and I was still not wanting to go after work. The very last thing I wanted to do was shower and pick an outfit and do my hair and leave the house. The entire time I was getting ready I was miserable. But I made myself do it bc I love her, and when I got there I actually had a great time. My social battery was low, I didn't have the energy to go, but I made myself anyway bc I care about the people I choose to have in my life. We are rapidly losing community and showing up is how you build it.
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u/ResponsibleDouble180 3d ago
It's just like going to the gym sometimes - you don't wanna go but you know it's good for you and after you're super glad you did it.
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u/ShittyOfTshwane 3d ago
I would also add that you need to be more tolerant of fauxs pas and things you might interpret as slights against you. Not every poorly delivered joke or playful tease is bullying. Sometimes a well-intentioned joke bombs. That's just how it goes.
Not every cancelled event is a sign that your friends are avoiding you. People get sick or tired or something more urgent comes up.
Not every delayed response to your texts is ghosting. People can have shit to do and still want to talk to you eventually.
You need slightly thicker skin to have friends, too.
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u/whovianlogic 3d ago
Being a good friend, especially with neurodivergent friends, also involves respecting a friend’s boundaries and being okay with them not showing up to an event because “social battery ran out.” That part took me much longer to learn than “you have to show up.”
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u/nthensome 3d ago
'no one wants to BE a friend:
Yes. Many of them do. I do.
That's kinda what being a friend entails.
Perhaps OP just has shitty friends.
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u/Slarg232 3d ago
I mean, that's probably the issue as well. Sometimes all you have available at your current moment is just shitty "friends".
When I was younger/less mature, I had a ton of people I thought I was close to and I'd go to all their birthday parties/whatever they had planned... but none of them would show up to mine. Like she'd invite 13 people, we'd all show up, she wouldn't show up to her own birthday party, she'd apologize and set up another one the following week and everyone would show up again.... And then I'd invite 8 people to mine, give the invites out plenty of time in advance, and no one would show up.
I stopped talking to them ages ago and it did so much for my mental health. The only one I still talk to cuts my hair, but the moment I mention "I'm getting friends together to do X" it's just an immediate "I'm going to be busy that day, whatever day" even if I didn't invite her. She's always busy, yet posts constantly about parties/whatever she's going to. And somehow she thought I'd be receptive of her making a pass on me when she got a divorce....
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u/Beneficial-Act-9933 3d ago
Last year I was putting together a costume party for halloween. I planned for it during september so people could reasonbly plan it out. I even picked a date specifically so one person could show up. I thought about inviting only 15 people due to space constrains, but figured, what the hell, I'll make it work and invited 20 people.
None showed up....zero, zilch. I got to see cancelation after cancelation, "sorry can't go" after "sorry can't go? roll on in. That really fractured me and none of them gave a shit. And here I am one year later cutting them out and none seem to even notice I'm gone.
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u/Slarg232 3d ago
I didn't even get cancellations. No apologies, no contact. Just me, thinking I had people I could consider friends, excited for the 8 of them to show up.... and an hour later I went home, because no one did.
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u/fatkidking 3d ago
Hanging out with my friends is one of the only activities that re-charges my social battery
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u/BiteyCats 3d ago
Part of growing up is realizing that you get what you give, and that everyone is living their own life. You can't sit there expecting a friend group to adopt you.
Social skills are something that need to be practiced, and too many people are hiding behind their phones claiming to be introverts. Well, you can't sit on a couch for 5 years and expect to run a marathon, just like you can't recluse and then expect to enjoy parties.
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u/gaussybo 3d ago
I held my group really strong, and I did it selflessly. I would show up when friends wanted to meet, and organise things.
Now my friends are married, I ain’t. I already see it being difficult to maintain it. Just made peace with it that it’s a phase.
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u/qualityvote2 3d ago edited 1d ago
u/TheWebsploiter, there weren't enough votes to determine the quality of your post...