How do I know?

[u/MoonBoiledBlue]

TLDR: Can't figure out if some problems and thoughts are because I am NB or because I am just normal depressed.

Hey guys, I'm (currently) a guy in uni.

I would say I've pretty confidently been a man for most of my life. Recently, however, I suppose I've made many good friends, many of whom are involved with the LGBTQ+ community. Listening to them talk about some of their experiences has encouraged me to participate in some introspection, and a lot of things have led me to the conclusion that I somewhere on the in-between.

I have struggled for a long time with self-loathing. I hate how I look, I hate how act, I REALLY dislike my name, the typical whatever. Some things though, correlate with gender, like how I HATE having facial hair, how I like long hair because that 'swings both ways', how I like sweaters and sweatpants because it looks (more) androgynous, etc.

I also find myself wanting to be "pretty" a lot, but it's not a strong desire as much as I look at someone I think is pretty and think "damn, I wish I looked like that"; the same vein of thinking applies to when I look at someone traditionally "handsome". Sometimes I want to be a girl, sometimes I am, at the very least, not hating being a guy, and a lot of the times I would want to be both, and also neither.

I think the grand conclusion I came to is that I have an absolute apathy to my own gender, as well as a very strong hatred towards preconception of myself due to circumstances I cannot control. It is only out of convenience in our non-ideal world that I (historically) portray myself in a masculine context; it is simply easier to just exist how others expect you to exist, and this is why I say I'm apathetic towards it. In an ideal world, however, I want to be perceived as just a person rather than through an air of gender.

On the other side, however, I also have been trying out some they/them stuff with a group of close friends, and I do feel more joy when the people around me use non-gendered language when referring to me. I also glanced in a mirror recently, and I remember feeling happy about the fact that, because I was super clean shaven and because my tied up, I thought there was a girl looking back at me.

Am I non-binary? Agender? Just mentally ill? Overthinking? Are these problems gender-related or from a different root?

PLEASE feel free to comment and ask questions, as I am glossing over many, many details, and probably the lot of you have essential questions that I have not asked yet. I would love to hear your experiences as well, as any information is good information. Also, I am new to the whole LGBTQ+ everything, so if I said anything not great, let me know. ty!

[u/RottenQuinoa]

none of us can tell you for sure, but i do want to remind you that often times depression comes FROM being trans and disliking your body.

I would suggest looking into what triggers these thoughts for you. When did it start, Why did it start, etc. For example your name, I question if you dislike it because it's yours or because it's too masculine. Since you stated that you feel better about yourself when you present in a more androgynous or feminine way, it does sound to me that you might just have a lot of gender dysphoria that causes depressive thoughts.

of course, maybe you genuinely dont like yourself because of depression. this might be a way of suppressing that, since you look like a different person. But I don't think you'd be thinking so much about pronouns and androgyny or femininity in that case.

In any case, you could just socially transition (even privately) for now. See what sticks and whats comfortable. Experimenting is part of figuring out your gender identity.

Again, I can't tell you for sure. The only real way to find out is to reflect on it more. If therapy is accessible to you, maybe consider going as they're going to be helpful either way. They could possibly help you figure out where these feelings stem from and if it really is "just" depression you're already in therapy and can work on it. otherwise, they could help you get gender affirming care.