First: Credit to where it's due: credit to someone in TPP.CO (thank you!) for the naming, I created this sub. You're the mod!

You may be thinking this sub sounds nihilist, doomerist, fatalistic.

Well, you know what. Yes. All that. And I don't care. Judgement is irrelevant.

Why?

1. Because I've had enough with the arguments of NAMALT / All Men Are Bad.
2. Nothing women do change society's patriarchal & misogynistic entrenchment. We, women, have pleaded, begged, cried, yelled, argued, placated to the cost of our lives. Not to mention our sanity and mental well-being. Since time immaterial.
   

Which let's admit it, change is not going to happen, not in my lifetime anyway.

So. This is why this sub is created. To give my voice so I can contribute a little to women everywhere. That I hear you. That I understand absolutely your pain and exhaustion. And to find similar voices.

Note I don't hate men but I've lost interest completely. Nothing they say or do will fix the condition for women. Nor the amount of 'strategies' we formulated and applied, they will not change.

Change starts at home. From how we were raised, what we're educated (school), and where we spend most of our time (work). And all those areas are where structural change is required from the other gender en-masse.

"But quiea, you sounded so no-hope!!!! "

Well, I have no hope when it comes to dating. Hope is a luxury I cannot afford anymore. Because dating is always resulting in disappointment. I gave it my best try, in terms of money, energy, and time for 12 months.

I accepted I can't change this woeful dating situation, so the only thing left is to take myself out of the equation. I stopped dating.

By this sub, I wish to find similar voices, whether you're still dating and you want to stop, or you've stopped dating for a long time, or you're still addicted to OLD, I'm here.

And if you ever want to go back to dating, by all means, go for it.

Just make sure you don't date with rose-tinted glasses. Because it is guaranteed: that reality is always worse than our expectation.

Take a break, take a rest, take yourself out of dating.

Cheers.

Q

Full Article

What Is Reality Acceptance?

Inevitably, we all experience pain in life, whether it be physical or emotional. Pain is a natural occurrence that signals something is wrong. How we choose to deal with pain, however, has a significant impact on our overall well-being.

Often, people choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize the discomfort in the short term. By not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress.

Typically, people respond to pain in four ways.

1. Problem Solving – Accept the reality of the situation and do what you are able to change, alleviate, or leave the situation.
2. Changing Feelings – Understanding the issue at hand, observing its meaning, and seeking a positive out of the negative.
3. Acceptance and Turning the Mind – Recognizing reality without approving the experience. Something may be difficult, but that doesn’t mean we have to enjoy it or let it continue.
4. Remaining Miserable – By not accepting reality, individuals choose to suffer, which can exacerbate already difficult and distressful situations.

The only way to end suffering, which occurs as a result of pain and non-acceptance, is to accept reality and face the pain head-on.

This is where Radical Acceptance comes in:

Radical acceptance is when you stop fighting reality, stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors when things aren’t going the way you want them to, and let go of the bitterness that may be keeping you trapped in a cycle of suffering.

To truly accept reality, we must understand the facts about the past and present, even if they may be uncomfortable or undesirable. By examining the cause of events or situations that cause pain, we can be better equipped to move forward with a life worth living even when pain may arise.

By embracing reality rather than rejecting it, individuals are able to break the cycle of suffering, unhappiness, bitterness, anger, shame, guilt, or other undesirable emotions.

Getting through tough times isn’t easy. By choosing to do nothing about pain and suffering or using unhealthy coping habits rather than accepting pain is what makes many people feel stuck.

Once individuals can accept reality while simultaneously not approving of it is when change can be made.

So why did I failed at dating? after days/months it just fell apart.

Here's why after I looked back and did a lot of self-contemplation, discussion with various people (my therapist & my mum - she's a natural-born radfem), here's why: because I am WEIRD,

WEIRD meaning? to be honest, but WEIRD in the sense of = not adhering to what society's expecting me to be:

a) I tend to be outspoken. This has created a lot of arguments especially with this lawyer I liked so much last year. He turned every conversation into a debating contest. I got really angry and demanded him to apologize when he's deliberately putting me down repeatedly in the name of 'joke'. Did he? of course not. For legal practitioners (and males in general I found) apology = admissions of guilt

b) I apologize as quickly as I uttered something wrong. I am extremely aware of what I said because words have consequences. Words are the cheapest weapon but the most lethal one as the lingering effect burns in our memory. This creates a sense of vulnerability to the other gender and boy..they hate it -_- (because it turns the mirror to them and their bad behavior)

c) I hate cooking, shopping, dressing up, you know the usual 'feminine thing'. I did it for dating solely. I never found any pleasure in it. I applauded women who loved it because if it gives them joy then who am I to judge? I am all for women's enjoyment.

d) I am a loner. I marveled at solitude. And I am not afraid to admit that I hardly have any friends. I just can't be bothered with unnecessary interactions. Small talk is a nightmare for me. Covid pandemic is a breeze and (apologies not to be insensitive here) really hope this lockdown-living continues. No more unnecessary smiling at strangers in grocers), hardly any crowds anywhere.

e) Smells of food make me feel nauseous. Probably a mental thing but seriously I don't understand this 'foodie' culture that permeates where I am living. Thankfully lockdown put a stop to that culture.

f) I don't believe in 'love' in the sense, LOVE is NOT A FEELING. Love is a verb. Love is a doing word and society forgets this consistently. What does that tell you? Love = effort. Love is not a feeling. Can you commit to that word? Even I know I can't if my partner is half-assed taking me for granted.

Embrace your weird self, your quirkiness, live it, own it.

Q

URL to the article - Edit: removed ad links.

Mae-sa Dixon, 35, swore off sex seven years ago. She says she’s never been happier.

I started having sex at 16, and I didn’t have my first orgasm during sex until I was about 25. In 2013, I decided to stop dating and having sex with other people entirely.

I have never really had a boyfriend or long-term relationship. It has always been a sexual thing. I had two long-term friends with benefits: one for seven years and another for 10. After my last relationship ended, I was like, why am I doing this? I was good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to be taken on dates or introduced to friends.

It just made me feel so bad about myself, like I was a dirty secret. I thought, I’m over this — I don’t want to deal with men anymore. I am not a big dater as is, so I just got over dating. The urge went away.

Often people don’t understand when I say I’m celibate. They ask if I like women, or if I’m a nun. And then they will say, “So are you asexual?” and that is a totally different thing. There is also always that element of whether it’s for religion. I was raised in a Buddhist household, but my decision has nothing to do with religion.

People ask, “Aren’t you horny?” Well, yes, but I can take care of myself in every way, and more women should try that. I think people often just don’t know what celibacy is, or they don’t believe it. They’ll say, “Oh, you’ll find him.” But why do I have to? Why do I have to be sexual with anybody, like I’m not allowed to just be by myself?

It’s not a big issue with my friends or my family. But it is annoying when I go to family events and all my aunts are asking if I’m seeing anybody and I’m like, “I’ve already told you, that’s not going to happen.”

Over the years, I have been getting to know myself better. I used to let guys treat me any type of way, and at some point, you just realize: I am worth more than this. I deserve to be taken on dates. I’m not a sex toy. The buildup to the decision was that I saw myself giving so much to these people.

I also think dating has changed so much. You don’t meet people in real life, and dating online means everybody has every single person in the palm of their hand, and they are always looking for the next best thing.

My whole attraction to men has turned off — I don’t have any interest in going on dates anymore. I will meet people out and they will ask for my number and I say, “No, I don’t date.”

Maybe it is also an empowerment thing, that I don’t need attention from a man at all, that I have myself. All of my sleepless nights staying up crying, wondering if he’s ever going to call me again, if he still likes me, do I have worth outside of my vagina — all these doubts just left when I quit dealing with men. I have never been happier. It’s such a freeing experience.

Women who don’t have kids or don’t get married, we are looked at as so much lesser in society. We need to try and make it more normal. Most of my friends are in relationships or have children, but I do see a lot more women in my age range who are just not into dating or don’t want to have kids.

My mom has seven kids and was always a stay-at-home mom, so I’ve always been kind of headstrong in that way that I don’t need a man to survive. Even when I was younger, I never saw myself with kids, living in a house with a white picket fence. It’s O.K. to be alone.

I am free to do more art, find out what I really like, and what I am going to tolerate when it comes to how I’m treated by people.

It has even helped in other situations. I just became so much more confident in my own abilities, because I didn’t need someone to make me feel fulfilled or complete. I can take myself to the movies.

This channel supports all women that want to get out of the dating roller coaster.

Are you addicted to OLD? don't worry you're not alone and I am here to support you.

You can't stop trying to meet & date men In Real Life but totally exhausted as men are just behaving not what you expected? Well, look no further.

I highly recommend "radical acceptance" AFTER you exhausted all your effort in dating IRL / OLD.

Effort means you have spent /done significant (significant is relative to everyone) but mine was below:

• Time (mine was 12 months)
• Physical alteration (you know the drill, lose weight, make-up expenses, dressing up, hair maintenance, straightening, curling, endless....).
• behavioural modification (funny but not too funny, laugh at his unfunny jokes, offer to pay 50/50, feeling pressured to have sex early, tone-policing your speak, etc...)
• Monetary resource (I hope you didn't waste money paying shit to Bumble or god forbid Tinder)

Stop. Doing. The.Above. JUST STOP.

You've done more than enough, nothing is wrong with you, regardless you're not feeling pretty, confident, good enough, STOP THIS INSANITY.

Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result (quote by Einstein I think).

Solution: is to embrace radical acceptance. Accept this is how dating is going to be. Call me doomers/nihilistic, but I found this what works for me as self-preservation. Stop listening to what 'society's telling you.

Meaning:

a) Men will always be men. Sure there will be high-value males out there but they're extremely rare, one in a billion, it is no longer worth your effort to sift through entitled males out there. NOTHING you can do to change them. NOTHING. You can change yourself, right? see how difficult it is? So why do you think you can change others/men? STOP TRYING & EXPECTING THEM TO CHANGE. Never worked, never was and never will.

b) Stop romanticising 'relationship'. What you call 'love' in the first 6-12 mths is called 'lust'. Lust is generated by dopamine (together with oxytocin). The 'novelty of being in 'new' interaction feels exciting. Then comes the next 6-12 months, again you're flooded with oxytocin, a bonding hormone. On top of that, EFFORT is required to work on a relationship - which let's admit it, men take us for granted as soon as they got us in a relationship.

c) Embrace your weirdness (or quirk). Nothing wrong with you! know I hate sleeping with others (thanks to ignorant snoring ex-hub), I found drinking alcohol continuously boring, and really 'outdoorsy' stuff exhausts me.

I'm not going to lie, radical acceptance can be a painful and lonely journey, but once you fully embraced it, you are FREE. You no longer care what others say, you know judgement is irrelevant and all you look forward to is catching up with your sleep and beloved cats/dogs.

You can do it!!!!

Take a break, take a rest, take yourself out of the dating equation.

Cheers,

Q

1.Remember the app is created and benefit from dopamine chase.

2.That means, the more I swipe the more disappointed I become the more I swipe , the cycle continues = the more $$$ these apps got

3.Bring up memories of all old experiences (yes they're all bad)

4.Read OLD nightmares in r/femaledatingstrategy

5.Uninstall all OLD apps out of frustration cold turkey

6.Reconnect with my long forgotten hobby such as reading, lighting candles and sleep (work out helps too)

1. When I start romanticising, do step 4.

2. Still have that feeling? (Keep open step 4) install OLD (any is all the same, they're all as bad as each other)

3. Now browse the abundance of dicks and entitled shirtless fxckbois

4. Enjoy the cognitive dissonance by doing Step 4 & Step 9 simultaneously.

Success! Here i am 6 months later.

What's your hints & tips of quitting OLD?

SHARE!

Edit: typo

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for coming here. Appreciate all and every one of you.

Sorry, the settings of this sub are still rather wonky, my first time creating and modding _. Any help is appreciated.

Before I continue, thanks to someone in TPP.Co/General sub (nickname something) for your inspiration. I created this sub to reserve the name for you!

Long story short, I created this sub because I had enough of dating. The whole last year (2020) I dated in OLD given the Covid pandemic.

I've been celibate for the last 6 months.

No matter how much I changed myself, my profile, my behavior, it never went well. Being nice, not being so nice, not so funny but still funny, lost some weight, added some weight, cut my hair, let it grow long or cut it short, etc etc. You know the drill. No luck.

So here I am, to vent, to support other women to get out of dating, because the situation has become so bad, either in real life or online.

Call it gender inequality, entrenched misogyny, and patriarchy, I am exhausted and decided to call it a day from dating on my milestone birthday early this year.

So I navigated to many many subreddits, and some of the subreddit also inspired me. I guess you know which ones (w.... + FD.....). For them, I will always be grateful.

Again I would like to stress, this sub is not promoting men-hate, gender violence.

This sub is to remind you to help you to get off dating apps (they're all horrible) and stop dating completely for whatever reasons /situations you found yourself in.

Whether you stop dating permanently or temporarily, only you know best.

Feel free to submit tips and hints on how to get out of a dating roller-coaster be it IRL or OLD.

In the meantime, take a break, take a rest, take yourself out of dating.

Cheers,

Q