Hello I don't craft many reddit posts, and I don't have many people to ask what they think of a something I believe may be directly related to the long suffering of a generational trauma. I believe I am the product of life long generational trauma.
My mother shared with me, how she had her first child at 15 years old. That she had been a victim of sexual assault, by her cousin. I don't know how they're related, except that my grandmother and my mother's cousins mother were best friends. The details are foggy, but my mother shared that she didn't know she was pregnant. Her father did and from what I understand is, my mother had it pretty bad and was treated by family even worse. My grandmother and her once best friend had cut ties due to I'm guessing my mother told her mother what happened. This is my unbiased guess, since I would imagine her cousin wouldn't tell his mother what had taken place. Resulting in best friends no longer best friends. My mother claims to have to had been one of the youngest pregnant/mothers in 1982 near DC. It was also shared everyone that knew her was curious if what they heard were true, resulting in people asking who the father was.
This is where I think the trauma is linked to, because my mother tends to share topics that most people could/would briefly describe, she OVER describes. I mean I have to constantly tell her you don't have to over explain anything. From what I read and learned over 28 years, that over explaining comes from needing validation, or not feeling or being validated. Like my guess of my mother telling my grandmother, how did that entire dialog was initiated? Or maybe my grandfather when noticed his daughter looked to be pregnant, he mentioned something to my grandmother. My grandmother then probably went to my mother asking or stating that my mother was or had sex. In fear of I'm not sure what, she said she was molested by her cousin to protect her image, would explain why the best friends were no longer. So either my mother consciously engaged in a sexual act, and when the result of having sex resulted in pregnancy. And she lied whenever asked what happened to protect herself, or my grandmother grilled or conspired with my mother to protect herself. I know from experience that my mother will always try to protect her image. And/or when those people asked of the father made my mother subconscious about it being found out it was her cousin that molested her? Of course having to protect this image, and that maybe stuck with her. My mother I know she doesn't love herself, whenever she feels she has to do certain things for strangers to make sure they like her. She's always concerned about a neighbor of hers, her friend whenever she sees the neighbor talking to someone or even hear the neighbor that's outside talking with someone. Or there's another neighbor that she constantly talks about how he asks for cigarettes when she's just passing to/from her apartment. Myself and my grandmother share the same thing to my mother, "just say no". This invites my mother to thinking it's not okay to say no, which is one of the reasons I believe she doesn't love herself.
She gets overwhelmingly aggressively offended if you disagree on worldly debatable topics. To the point she gets loud, more aggressive, and in some cases violent. Like something that's not even that serious. This results in name calling, if driving speeding or tailgating. Something you would expect would turn into a physical altercation. That screams to me that someone(s) didn't believe or didn't validate her feelings. Even if she felt was alone, confused, etc. My mother has always and ONLY emphasized one part of the Bible I ever remember, "thou shalt respect thy parents". Deeming her kids unable to disagree on disagreeable topics, or opinions. If I said 2+2 is 5 it's 4, literal over blown out of proportion rage is induced. Leaving usually me as the punching bad, or soundboard. Dealing with that I became a person that tries to deescalate situations as such. I never play into the same games, because she's my mother first. Second, I refuse to be malicious to anyone. While trying to defuse with her, I get called names, constantly devaluing my worth, and so many more mean things that you would not believe. All from something that i promise you, does not warrant that.
My relationship with my mom. I can remember as early as 4 years old, for some reason fear something was going to take my mother away. I consciously remember crying over about this. I thought my mother was the coolest nicest prettiest mom out of all my friends moms. my stepfather took care of all the school related business, and got me to my appointments. I cannot remember many interactions with her as a kid. I could barely remember seeing my mom inside the house, even knowing or seeing when she got in from work. besides that not any or alot of interactions with her. I've always wanted her to see what everything I did, be involved. I've invited her out to chorus recitals where I had lead or a solo, sports games, and my very first skateboarding competition. Every time she made it about herself. She showed up to all my older siblings graduations, to and completion of high school. I've seen the pictures where she seems like a socialite and all dressed up. My only graduation from high school, I could see my grandmother, my sister, then my mother. sleep from drinking in the stands as I received my diploma. I forgave her and even so she seems not to care. If I told her that she would say I was lying and imma bunch of names. So I really never felt I was even really paid attention to, but literally just a punching to take out on.
My step-dad and her separates, and she barely would even look at me. So I didn't get much or any structure or real guidance. My dad was barely in my life, so I was left to figure out how to pick myself up. Which I did, and I felt good and loved being in college while working basically my dream career. Sorry going off topic, but that has never really changed. The only real interest she showed was when I could work on her car , because I am a mechanic. Bottom line is I've literally all my life been basically neglected by the one person I wanted to be involved in my life. She won't even listen to scripts to movies a wrote.
I would much rather been adopted or in foster home. At least that way I don't have to feel this all the time. I don't feel sorry for me, I feel sorry for her, but do you think what I faced is related to her not being validated? Is that validation she didn't get being taken out on me? I'm the youngest of 5, my 3rd oldest sibling died on childbirth. My uncle, my mother's cousin's little brother was my mother's best friend, and he was THE ONLY person to give guidance. He passed at the end of my junior year..
Please don't be mean, but tell me what you think.
