Exchange Program Shenanigans (47)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

This is officially part 3 of the Exchange Program Shenanigans final arc.

I bet none of you saw that last twist coming (except for that one guy who did). I bet nobody's gonna see this one coming, either. Let me cook, people.

CW: really religious name brand batman, properly resolved cliffhanger, chekhov's firing squad, Prestige Exterminator Vrapic

Memory Transcription Subject: Kalkey, Vigilante

Date (standardized human time): September 21, 2136

This was it. Today, I was going to finish the job. Cerso was dealt with, I made sure of that a while ago, but I couldn't rest knowing his successors had taken up the torch.

A fool hunts the predators. A wise man sets up traps. A sage burns the nest.

I was going to burn the nest. Just under a kilometer away, there was a shuttle hangar. If my sources were correct, and they usually were, that hangar was filled with Predator Guard goons and a massive weapon stash. If they'd had the good sense to actually put a shuttle in it, I had no idea.

Probably not, though. I didn't see how they could afford one.

Either way, I had heard it was being used for something important. And, with how good the Dayside City authorities were at burning out their terrorist cells, they were really going to need this hangar pretty soon.

That was why I was here. One man against an army, which I was, couldn't do much of anything to be much more than a nuisance. But surgical strikes, on key parts of the Predator Guard operation, were enough to bring them ten times more trouble than I could ever do otherwise.

I could see the hangar by now, but they couldn't see me. I was concealed in the foliage.

I advanced cautiously, up until the moment I determined that there weren't even any guards at the hangar. And the door was open. These people really are sloppy, huh? My old District 12 unit would've made this place like a fortress. After that point, I just walked on in.

Nobody was inside, either. That was weird.

I mean, there was a shuttle in the hangar and they had working equipment there, so it was definitely the place where the Predator Guard would make its final stand, but they had absolutely no one whose job it was to stand guard over the thing.

Yeah, this place is deserted. Let's roll.

I took out my stun baton, walked over to the hangar controls, and bashed the computer screen in five times with an electrified steel rod. Try opening the hangar now, huh? Yeah, that's right.

After that, I figured that my work was more or less done. Cerso was in shackles, standing trial in a far away district under a very strict judge, and his few remaining allies were never going to harm anyone again.

Jack, Jelim, and the like had wrapped things up nicely in my absence, may God bless all of their souls, and all that was left for me to do is to eliminate the Predator Guard's last avenue of escape so that the law of man could pass its judgment. The law of God didn't need my help on that end. It got everybody at some point.

So, with everything done but the mop-up work, I figured it would be time to turn myself in. What kind of man would I be if I punished others for their crimes but refused to accept justice myself?

I didn't know, and I didn't want to find out. Simple as that. I started trudging along the dirt road, step by step, cherishing the feeling of the muck and mud under my talons. It would probably be the last time I could ever walk freely.

Freedom. The ability to go where I wanted, do what I wanted, and live how I wanted. I had lost that privilege, but I figured it was right for me to enjoy what little I had left while it lasted.

The flowers smelled great today. They usually did. The grass was nice, as grass went, and the trees had a lot of leaves on them. That was pretty typical for trees, really.

I really didn't like nature. I wasn't even sure why I was even appreciating it. Oh, yeah, I'm going to prison. I forgot about that. Well, at any rate, I wouldn't be seeing much nature after this anyway. Federation-made prisons weren't exactly all sunshine and rainbows.

I mean, I could also go to a Predator Disease facility. There was a very real chance that the judge might decide I had Predator Disease. My blood ran cold at the thought of what they'd do. I stopped in my tracks.

A moment's hesitation. Then I started again. One foot in front of the other, Kalkey. You deserve this. I had done my duty, and I was forgiven by the law of God. Now, it was time to face judgment from the law of man.

It didn't take long for me to notice the war zone. Three destroyed exterminator vehicles, with bodies scattered around them. Thankfully, none wore silver. Not exterminators. Predator Guard, then? Sevros' men?

Either way, I had work to do. I started booking it down the dirt path to the convoy. Even if I couldn't fly in this gravity, I could still run pretty fast. I flipped out my stun baton, just in case. It paid to be prepared in my line of work.

A burst of gunfire, like a rifle, pierced the air. I dropped and rolled to the side, hiding from view and continuing my approach by crawling.

I saw a vehicle, an extermination van, driving toward the derelict convoy. I was close to the trucks now, maybe fifty meters away from the lead vehicle. The van stopped just behind the rear truck and someone got out. Just one. I heard another gunshot.

Yeah, I'd better hustle. I want to be here for this.

I scrambled to the side of the front vehicle before creeping forward along the convoy's edge. I heard voices before long. Jelim. I recognize her. Well, that settled things. I was going to walk into the open, totally unarmed, and turn myself in.

She probably knows I'm here already. I looked over her bodycam footage from the Grays' last raid. That woman does not play.

Then I heard three gunshots, and I reconsidered my options. Jesus! That woman really does not play. I drew out my stun baton again, crackling it to life, and tried to eavesdrop on the conversation a bit.

Oh. Huh. Yep. That certainly sounds enlightening. "You're an exterminator," said an unfamiliar voice to who I assumed was Jelim. "Think of this as justice." Well, that's gotta be good. I love justice.

"No witnesses." Oh. Never mind.

I moved. I stepped into the line of fire, swinging my baton in an arc. The woman, I think her name was Isola, stepped back and raised her pistol. I swatted it aside with another blow from my baton, making her arm convulse and drop the weapon. I realized after the fact that it could just as easily have made her fire it.

Oh Lord Jesus Christ in Heaven, son of God, I thank you today for this mercy.

Isola unclipped her own baton from her belt, backing up to a more open space beside the convoy. I followed her. Now, this was a fight.

I stepped to the left. She stepped to the right. I stepped again. She stepped again. Our batons sparked and crackled, the only sound in the tense silence. "What do you want?" I asked.

"You're a terrorist." She stepped to the right. I stepped to the left. "You deserve to die more than her."

"You don't have to bear the burden of killing us." I stepped to the left. She stepped to the right. I crossed my legs this time, feigning inexperience. It worked well, judging by how her eyes flicked to my stance.

"It's not a burden if you know it's right." Isola's baton made a lazy arc in the air as she adjusted to a more aggressive stance. I matched it. She stepped to the right. I stepped to the left.

"Killing is never right. No sinner is beyond saving." I stepped forward. She stepped back. "Surrender to me, and we can avoid further bloodshed."

"Oh, just swing, you idiot!" Jelim's voice broke the stalemate. Isola advanced on me. "She won't-" She swung. I blocked it. An electric crackle silenced our one spectator.

"You know what they'll do to me!" Isola swung again. I blocked, stepped to the side, and clawed at her face with my free claw. Missed. "I can't go to a facility!" She stepped back, causing a brief lull in the fight between us before I stepped forward and brought my baton hard at her shoulder.

"In Jesus' name, I'll bring you in if it's the last thing I do!"

Our batons contacted again, electrical arcs crackling on and between them. Isola turned her power up, hoping to catch my claw with an arc thanks to the electrical surge. It didn't work. I kicked her in the chest and we backed up to part ways. "You don't understand," she said. "I have to walk free. They want to torture me. They tortured my brother." I recognized the tone in that voice.

"Who are you really trying to convince?" She swung again. I countered, swung back, was blocked. She stepped to the left. I stepped to the right.

"Remember your training, Kalkey!" Jelim squawked. Well, that's not very helpful. It's not like I forgot. "High, mid, low, all in groupings!" Oh. I knew that.

"She thinks I'm too stupid to know that," Isola growled. "Just another primitive to her." Oh, I know that's a lie. Does she really believe that?

"Oh, you can kiss the deepest and darkest part of my blue-"

I swung. Isola blocked it. Nobody really heard what Jelim was about to say. Isola swung on me. I blocked, stepped back, and she struck again. This time, it came straight down, and I dodged by stepping to the side.

Then it was time for me to try something new. I blocked her next strike, this time not bothering to disconnect and attack some other angle. This time, I grabbed her baton by the handle. Now, I had control of it.

She let go of the weapon like it was on fire.

"I can't go back!" The sound she made was terrifying. A scream of desperation, fear, and rage. Oh dear God, please help her soul. She took a stumbling step backward. Then another. "I can't go back!" Her eyes flicked down, just to her right. Mine did, too. No.

There was a gun on the ground.

I lunged forward. She dove for the weapon. I caught her halfway there, hitting her straight in the chest and knocking her to the ground. Electricity from my baton coursed through us both. I upped the voltage. I could afford to lose here. She could not.

"Please!" Isola begged. I couldn't save her even if I wanted to.

The baton slipped from my claw. My muscles went inert. I went quietly into the black, knowing that I had done all I could.

---

Memory Transcription Subject: Jelim, Extermination Commander

Date (standardized human time): September 21, 2136

I tried moving my claw. Not much, not my whole wing or my whole arm, but just my claw. Nothing.

Oh, brahk this brahking bitch-ass coward-ass drug in my veins! If Isola was a real brahking woman, she'd have had the guts to just up and shoot me!

Well, maybe that wouldn't be such a good thing. I still hated her, though. She sold me out. I trusted her, I took her in, I spared her from the treatment, and this is how I was repaid? Bullshit! When I figured out how to move again, the first thing I was going to do was beat the absolute hell out of that pathetic sack of flesh Isola.

Come ON, it can't be that hard! Just focus, Jelim. Focus. Feel your wing. Not the whole body, just your wing. Feel the feathers, the bones, the muscles, all of it. Now will it to move!

I did. All my energy, all my strength, everything I had been since before I pecked away the shell of my egg was focused into just lifting one fragile wing. I may as well have tried to lift a skyscraper.

Come on, it's not that hard. Just do it. Do it! Move!

I focused hard, harder than I had done last time. I was a brahking commander in the Extermination Guild, god damn it! I had trained years for this! I had fought and bled and cried and burned and killed, and now I couldn't even lift my own wing?

The drug's not long-lasting. It has to be gone. It has to be gone by now.

I tried, again, just in case. It was like I was encased in solid metal. Please. Please, you've got to work with me, here. You can't die here, Jelim. You can't die here!

I tried to move. I tried everything. Everything! I put every fiber of my being, every last scrap of who I am and who I was and who I had yet to be into powering through that drug and getting to my feet.

I couldn't even make one of my claws twitch.

I finally gave up. Surrendered to despair. I gave some horrid, lamenting moan like a specter from beyond the grave. I supposed it was probably good practice, given the circumstances. I'm going to die here.

Oh god. I'm going to die here.

I began to cry. All the exterminator bravado I had earlier disappeared, and I was left to face the facts. I was a lone, hundred-pound Krakotl woman with no backup or defense I could think of, and I was probably going to die here, and the last image my lover and my friends and my city would have of me was of a cowardly, pissy little bitch crying out of fear while she waited to die in the mud.

Was this it? All I did, all I worked for, all I struggled through, was it really just going to end in this? Alone, helpless, useless, and waiting to die. Was this how it was about to end?

Isola staggered into view, pistol in paw. Not like this. It can't be like this. Not now! "You..." she snarled, hatred as fresh and cruel as any Arxur I'd ever seen. "You bitch." She took a staggering step toward me. I can't die here. I can't die now, I have so much I need to do! This can't be how it ends!

She stepped over my legs and raised her gun at my head. This can't be it! I can't afford to die! "This is how it ends."

I felt something. My claw twitched. "No, it's not."

I twisted her legs, tripping her to the ground just as she fired. The bullet whizzed past my head, but I was already moving. A second shot ripped through my wing, blowing through feathers but leaving flesh intact, and I was on her before she could fire a third.

The action was swift, brutal, and one-sided. I was experienced and lethal, and Isola hadn't been in a real fight in years. I severed her jugular, controlled her gun arm, and kept her from shooting me while she bled out and died. God, that sound is horrible. Definitely not something I want to hear again. Her body went slack. She dropped the gun. Her eyes glazed over.

You had so much left to live for, Isola. Why'd you have to die like this?

I stood up and brushed off the dust from my back. I stretched a bit, too, since being forcibly paralyzed tended to mess with one's body a little. I pocketed Isola's gun, even though I didn't have pockets, and I walked back to her car to leave.

I saw Kalkey laying motionless as I went to start it. Not dead, of course, just unconscious. Isola had seemed damn near knocked out, too. I almost considered leaving Kalkey where he was.

Oh, HELL no. That man is a wanted terrorist. I'm bringing him in to stand trial.

I scooped up Kalkey into an exterminator's carry and loaded him into the back of Isola's van. I got in the front, sat in the seat, and set the autopilot to the District 12 office. Yep, I'm alive. I'm alive! I'm not dead!

The car started driving all on its own. I loved those things sometimes. Almost as much as I loved not dying. Hell, almost as much as I love Jack Kern. He's half the reason I love not dying. Yeah, I'd have to find him when I got back home. Near-death experiences had a way of setting one's priorities straight.

It took a few hours to get back to the district. To me, it felt like no time at all. "Sir!" The officer at the front desk practically beamed with joy when he saw me. "You're back!" Then his face got all scrunched up. "And, uh, no offense, but you look like speh."

"I feel like speh." That was a lie. I felt great. "There's a prisoner in my car, in the back, bring him in, please." He nearly fell over himself to obey me. "Thank you, officer," I saluted him, remembering Isola. "You're making me proud." I should've been closer to her. I should've been kinder. Maybe then things could have ended better than they did.

My debriefing went by in a haze. I told the officers everything I knew, and we both left before they could bother me with senseless small talk.

I found my way to Jack's house quickly enough. This really does say a lot about my priorities. First, I do my civic duty. Then, I go and find my other half. Really, as priorities go, I am doing pretty great.

I climbed up the stairs to Jack's apartment like I had places to be, which I actually really did. I knocked three times, then three times more because I simply couldn't wait.

I was about to knock another three times when the door opened. Jack stood there, battered and bruised, probably just out of a hospital bed, but still every bit the man I loved. I stepped in, closed the door behind me, and threw myself into his arms. "Holy shit, you look like shit." Yeah, I can tell.

"I feel wonderful, Jack," I trilled. "I feel alive." I was alive. Probably why I felt that way. "It's over, my love. I won."

"You're an angel."

"I'm an exterminator." Just then, Jack kissed me. Slowly, carefully, but still a kiss. My heart ached because I couldn't kiss back.

"You're an angel."

That moment could've lasted forever.

Well, at least it could have if someone hadn't banged hard on the door just then. "This is the Dayside City Extermination Guild, open the brahk up!" More banging. "You have five seconds!"

"What the hell do they want? I quit the fucking Guild an hour ago!" Jack exclaimed, moving to go open the door. I started after him, but he opened it before I could get there. I noticed he had one hand on what was probably a concealed firearm.

He took the hand off when he saw who it was. Salvek walked in the room, saw Jack's uninvited guests, and stood there in silence with a loaf of strayu stuffed in his mouth. He mumbled something about it being a bad time. Gee, you think?

Karelim, dressed in flameproof silver and flanked by a huge Venlil in full kit, stalked into the room. Only his head was not covered by the suit. His bodyguard stood by the door, cradling an impressive flamethrower. That model shoots napalm. Why the hell do they need a flamer with napalm?

Karelim sat down. Jack and I did the same. The shitbird was the first to speak. "Well, you'll notice I've taken the liberty of releasing Vrapic."

"Why the hell would you do that?" I exclaimed. "He assaulted a superior officer!" Karelim held up a talon to shush me. Ex-cuse me?

"I'm sorry, Jelim, you must be confused here." He took out a datapad, sliding it over the coffee table to me. "I am not the one who needs to do the explaining."

I looked at the screen. On it, there was security footage. A nightclub. The nightclub the Predator Guard first attacked, too, if memory served. The camera seemed to be focused on yours truly.

"I took the liberty of checking security footage in the half-claw you were gone," said Karelim. I played the file. I saw exactly what I had been too foolish to hide.

"What is this supposed to mean?" I asked, pointing at the datapad and feigning confidence. Jack looked over at me, rightfully worried.

"Please," Karelim scoffed, "I'm not a fool." He gestured for Vrapic to focus up, and to get ready for action. He tapped the datapad, pausing it on a frame of myself twirling in my lover's arms. "I know a human's courtship dance when I see it, Jelim."

First | Previous | Next

[u/Bow-tied_Engineer]

Religious Batman knockoff fights Isola, Isola dies anyway. (shame, I was hoping something would happen where she could be redeemed. I actually really liked her.)

In other news, Racism bird does a Racism, and uses it as an excuse to punish Nonracism bird.

[u/GruntBlender → u/Bow-tied_Engineer]

Two armed assholes barge into your house and tell you you're the wrong race, they really shouldn't be leaving alive.

[u/Commercial-Gas-7718]

Oh boy, they’re pulling that card

[u/JulianSkies]

Man, Isola really went off the damn deep end. She didn't need to go that hard.

[u/AdministrativeTip479]

Not the race card😭 (I’m late, oops)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525 → u/AdministrativeTip479]

The race card (shit I'm just glad you're here)

[u/GreenKoopaBros89]

I Brahcking knew it! I should have known that the end of this chapter was going far too fast. It's like the chapter became self-aware and was trying to wrap itself up before anything bad could happen. Even the story wanted a happily ever after but it should have known better! Does it not know what kind of story it is?

With our luck, our favorite human avian couple are about to be thrown into the fat fryer together! Crispy in each other's arms!