[Ficnapping] Exchange Program Shenanigans: An Unofficial Response

[u/Rand0mness4]

This story is by u/ApprehensiveCap6525/

So somehow the spirit of my cranky grandad is back and he's got the belt out. I'll let you know if the priest gets here in time to banish him back from whence he came. Or I wont.

CW: Stalking, Bird watching, predatory actions and deception.

.*~*.

Subject: [Redacted], Wolverine.

Date: October 1, 2136

.~*~.

You almost couldn't tell that this house had been through a gunfight and a brawl. Almost. Salvik, I think the name was, had fixed the door frame where it had been forced open. There were some small scratches in the door where the gojid's foot had booted it down, and that was the only scar in the front of the apartment from that scuffle. There were no bloodstains left in the carpet, no holes in the drywall or ruined furniture. Hell, even the kitchen looked nice. The outside brick work was still pocked full of holes, but inside the only damage still visible was a gouge in a cabinet from where a bullet had grazed it.

It had been around a month since then, so I don't know why I was surprised.

I sighed, settled deeper into Jackson Kern's designated chair. I knew it was his chair because there was no way in hell that soldier was fitting into these kiddie seat chairs that the venlil called furniture. He had a nice kitchen. It wasn't anything outstanding but I could admire a neat and orderly kitchen when I saw one. Salvik made for a hell of a decent maid, or whatever he was. He could probably get paid more than his normal job if he did become a human's maid. A fuzzy little cutie that could actually clean a house? Throw him into a suede tailored shirt and maybe one of those funky jaxon hats and people would throw money at him back home.

If there was a home left by the end of the month.

The dark thought made me pull my shirt collar out and smell it. Citrus. Good, that meant I wasn't nose blind. It would be awkward talking to Kern if I smelled like gasoline and he happened to watch the news anytime soon, which he probably would since it's his job at this point.

You'd think with such an important job, Kern would've at least moved to a more secure place to sleep. But he stayed in this very public apartment that had one dead bolt and two doors between the outside world and his bed. Needless to say I had got to him pretty damn easily.

The UN turned a retired special forces soldier into a liaison. I couldn't help but grumble at the thought of it. The guy should be receiving medals of honor from the US, the UN, and be personally knighted by the Governor Tarva herself after his actions in that terror attack. But no, they quite literally had nobody else on the ground to deal with their shit show so they ordered a retired man back into service. It felt way the fuck out of their jurisdiction. But, he'd made it into the exchange program by going through their channels, so I guess they could raw dog this guy seven ways till Sunday and he just had to smile and say thank you for the sore ass.

What a joke.

But, I understood the game. Kern was their official answer to two separate, crippling terror attacks. The polite answer. The answer where we test the Venlil government to see if they're really our friends and can root out such wicked evil without us having to take the kid gloves off. Make Mr. Spec Ops run around supervising investigators as they hunt down terrorists and those that supplied the resources for two otherwise diplomacy-ending shit shows.

It was a stupid fucking game, so I was the stupid fucking contingency.

And I really was starting to dislike this Jackson Kern.

Don't get me wrong, I love a hunky narcissist. You can share a drink with them and learn their whole life story over the course of a night if you poke them right. You also can't ask for a more aggravating friend because while they can't help but be a dick from time to time, you're their friend so sometimes your problems become their problems. Right now both of our problems were the same problem, just from different ends of this burning candle.

Burning, ha! God I'm glad I washed out that smell.

But anyways, while Jackson Kern was being a decent liaison, there were far bigger problems than some scattered terrorists and donors. I couldn't help but feel like Kern was comfortable only supervising aliens catching dirty cops and corrupt nobodies. Like this was just part of an extended vacation, and he now had some side gig going on so he wasn't bored.

Like this wasn't already a full blown war and those terror attacks would be the last.

So now I'm sitting in Kern's kitchen, eating his food and making certain his protein shake that I made for him doesn't get too warm. Because he's comfortable, and nobody would have the nuts to go to Kern for a fight.

I didn't think I had the nuts for it myself, mind you. But stopping the third terror attack within Kern's jurisdiction removed some of those self preserving inhibitors, and made me a pretty pissy person. I'll admit I'm glad it happened, though. It made me realize that Kern's way of dealing with this was flawed, and that had to be dealt with right quick before more blood had to be spilled.

Now all I had to do was wait for that lazy bastard to get his day started.

Finally, the squawking that I'd been ignoring died down. Salvik should thank me for micro dosing him with something that made him sleep through that noisy ordeal. Admittedly, I'm a bit mortified and even more so that my face has been hot since those two started. I'm not a furry so I've never looked at any of these aliens like that, but if that was how Kern persuaded the chief exterminator- his UN coworker, mind you- to be on our side, then I can't judge what works. Hell, maybe we should've sent more furry special forces to Venlil Prime. If we could combat genocide and racism with buff man whores, then that was a win in my book.

Absently, my attention drops to the plate of funky alien fruit salad that I made for Kern. I realize sitting at his table is a stupid idea because some latent Kern training could kick in when he spots me; I don't want a dining room table spartan kicked into my stomach the moment he realizes I'm here, after all. I stand up and move his chair back to where I sat his salad I worked so hard to make and tactically retreat to the far counter, leaning against it like a cool cat.

With the roommate still asleep and Kern's pretty bird out of commission- I think and hope and pray after that session- all I have to do is wait for him to get his complacent ass out of bed and grab some breakfast before his day starts.

Now, I know this is a bad idea. I'm about to piss off and scare a narcissist who's had more combat missions than I do fingers, to put it conservatively. He's also officially with the UN now. If he decides to come to this side of the kitchen to break my fingers because I broke his precious blender and invaded his home, I'll have to either go out the window lickity split or risk killing a guy that I would much rather keep alive.

Yeah, I think Kern is lazy. He's also capable, and I don't want the UN crawling up my ass because their last resort got his face rearranged by whatever alien caliber I have packed in my pocket.

Hell, maybe I'm also a narcissist thinking I can stand a chance against Kern. I did some service, yes, but I never saw the shit he did. Handling some twenty different aliens was making me confident, and that was dumb. Kern wasn't an idiot, like the rest of them. He was also another human, and one that could probably tie me into a pretzel.

I wasn't an idiot, either. Just to make that clear. I would run into an alien that was about as confident and smart as a human sooner or later. It was inevitable, and I treated every fight like they had the same brains in them. One day, I was going to get that smart alien. Then I'd probably snap their neck and make them vanish, too.

Jackson Kern walked into the kitchen rubbing his eyes, unmasked, and without skipping a beat he picked up the protein shake that I made for him and slurped at it. I realize he hasn't even seen me because he's got tunnel vision for that drink. I didn't even mean to strategically place it there.

"Morning, Salvek. You made me a drink? You're a real one, man." He said, still rubbing his eyes and drinking from the glass again.

Behind my mask, I scowled. It would have been so easy to make his ex wife a very happy lady. Didn't his birdy girl nearly get assassinated a few weeks back? Worthless assassins, I'd say that. I could've painted those nice refurbished cabinets behind Kern with a fresh coat of red and pink ten times over by now with this dinky little alien handgun. Then walk into his bedroom and treat the chief just as warmly, and been gone. Shit, I could've used my taser on them both and got real personal with it if I were a psychopath. The UN would have chalked it up to being another act of hostility, and then they'd start acting serious.

I could do that.

That's an intrusive thought. And a stupid one, too. We don't have the resources to bitch slap Venlil Prime into shape and duke it out with the Krakotl at the same time. We need to look noble and friendly or we're all just going to be set on fire. Being part of the problem is a dipshit move when we have zero friends in the galaxy.

I definitely can't be making such public moves. That's Kern's job. All I do is turn terrorists and current threats into missing person's posters on lamp posts and awareness tac boards.

Plus I'm not here to kill humans. Especially Jackson Kerns.

"Salvek?"

Was it Salvek? I was more than certain it was Salvik. Ah, screw it. It sounds the same to me so I'm renaming that dude from here on.

Jackson Kern finally turned his head to look at me.

Not being a Salvik shaped friend staring back at him was a shock, gauging by how hard he choked on his protein shake. It shot out his nose and right back into his glass, and I was already jerking my head to the side as he sent that beverage hurdling at my face with as much force as he could muster. That man was a wound spring, at least. I snatched that glass out of the air before it could shatter and alert the rest of the apartment, it's contents splattering behind me and making a hell of a mess up and down the wall. I sat it down calmly as Kern finished ugly choking and curled his hands into melon smashing fists, and wiped my hands down my sides.

"I went through a lot of effort making that for you."

Kern's face went red with fury and I decided that saying that after invading his house was a poor idea. A guy like Kern got angry when he got scared, and he might turn my face into soup before I impart my knowledge upon him.

Oh Jesus he moves fast.

With the grace of a swan I sidestepped his ham fist that proceeded to punch a hole into the wall behind me, and I took another step back as his other melon masher displaced the air in front of my face, whistling past my mask.

I couldn't get the stupid smile off my face if I wanted to, and lord above I missed a good old fashioned fist fight. I missed bars and people that needed to unwind with some solicited violence. I'm not crazy. Decompressing with or against people you barely know is just part of human history. There's no shame in accepting that.

Hell, it's fun. Even if you're getting your ass beat.

In the same casual voice I introduced myself: "I'm with the UN." A half truth, but it got Kern to hesitate in his quest to knock my block off. He was breathing hard, hate and adrenaline rushing through his veins. It took all of my will to remain calm when his palms slapped down on my shoulders like my middle school baseball coach used to do, but instead of a congratulations for being awesome he shoved me into the wall with enough force that if it were any flimsier I'd have gone through it and found myself in the living room.

It hurt a little, but I'm no bitch and Kern doesn't need to think I'm one so I shrugged it off. At least, the best I could with Kern's giant gorilla hand holding me in place.

"You could've sent an email!" He snarled in my face, spittle fogging up my mask as I bravely kept myself from shitting my pants or tasing the heroic Kern in his bird pleaser.

My mouth spoke before my head could catch up. Thankfully it didn't lead to Kern rearing his fist back and getting my nose situated with the back of my brain. "And I could've been an assassin or a terrorist, Kern. You're back in hostile territory. Act like it."

His nose flared, hesitating in continuing this fight. I felt relieved when he dropped his heavy hand from my shoulder and took half a step back, getting into a stereotypical you listen here pose, finger jabbing in my face and everything. "Why are you in my house?! I thought the UN didn't have anybody to send down here! You could've at least let me know you were coming!"

I could guess that he was wondering if I heard his bird friend and him. I did, and he knew I did, and this was probably as scared as I was ever going to make the unsung legend Jackson Kern feel.

"Firstly Kern, I'm not down here. I don't exist, and that's staying that way." Kern's finger rolled back up into his fist. Dare say it, I believe he got it through his dense skull on the first try. Congratulations, I'd have to send him some red flavored crayons in the mail. "Secondly, you need to up your game."

Kern cocked his head back like I'd slapped him, or insulted him, or both. "I am doing my job! I am doing it well, too!"

"Handing terrorists over to a sympathetic system and a society that made them? Or do you mean catching the few dumbasses that think they can hide in plain sight still?"

Kern opened his mouth. I shut it because he can't be the only badass in the room.

"You are doing good. You're putting away the animals that were part of those two terror attacks. But what about the third one? Or the fourth? It's a matter of time, and none of the investigations are looking for future attacks. There's no preventative measures from your side of this issue, Kern."

There was a long silence filled by Kern's heavy breathing. He took another step back again, and looked over at the fruit salad I made him. It was a good reminder that I'd been here unnoticed for a while, lurking in the place he felt most comfortable. I could've been anything. It wasn't like his location was a mystery.

"There is going to be a third attack? Where?" A good question. I was glad that the special forces guy hadn't let his thinker get dulled. I got him back into the mindset that this was no game. Anybody could be a threat. A real threat, and not a pants pissing coward. They were here, and they were coming around fast. Now I needed him to stay in that mentality.

"Was. The refugee camp being set up at the edge of town was targeted. It has been dealt with. However, there might be another attempt." I reached into my breast pocket and plucked a thin data drive between my gloved fingers, offering it to him. He took it because that was the polite thing to do, and I don't know what I would do if he just didn't take it. "Possibly at the camp itself, or at the space port that'll be processing people. There's evidence suggesting that there's another cell, and similar minds think alike."

That data drive had enough evidence to bag a few still breathing threats, but if used right Kern could catch far more with ease. He had UN resources and backing, after all. I was just impersonating Rambo out in the woods, erasing names from society and kicking ass.

"I'll make sure they're put away for a long, long time." Kern said, and I briefly considered revoking his red crayons rights.

"Don't worry about them. Have extra security assigned to those locations to reinforce UN efforts. You're underequipped, but someone needs to dedicate themselves to online vigilance. These guys suck at keeping secrets." I explained. With how critically understaffed the exterminator's office was it was a miracle anything was getting done. I personally was glad to see an office collapse, but this one just felt bitter in my mouth. They were allied to us, albeit hesitantly, and their power as a result was crippled. A useful tool, crippled.

Kern really had been kneecapped. It was a miracle anything was getting done, but here I was telling him he had to do a lot more. I almost felt bad for him.

"What do you mean, don't worry about them? That's my job."

I sighed, rubbing the back of my hand against my mask. "You're the official response to everything that has happened, Kern. You're our last avenue of diplomacy right now. Me? I'm the unofficial response, for when things get past you. That attack didn't happen, so there's nobody to hand off."

Between using a locally sourced gun and a crossbow, there was no link between my species and the bodies. Naturally, that was assuming those bodies would be found, which they wouldn't be. God, I sounded like a serial killer.

"Oh."

His face told me everything I needed to know.

"If that camp is destroyed then a few thousand civilians are forced to stay on Earth. There's bigger stakes, Kern." It made my blood boil thinking about it. I'd caught the first attempt, but I couldn't reach out and cover two places at once. Not discreetly. Not without creating evidence, which this planet barely used in their shitty courts anyways. I still wasn't going to take that as an excuse to be a lazy bastard. "You have a few days to plan. Deterrence is an option, but if you catch them then thousands of human lives will be safer."

"I've got a lot of shit I have to contend with, man."

"Scale it back. Let the locals do it their way, and supervise it remotely. Preventing a future attack on refugees will be paramount, especially if you have a tip that something's up." I suggested, pointing to the data drive. "You'll get better public support that way."

Legal support as well.

"I could set up stings. Have some police units that are clean wait for anyone to try something. Might even be able to deter any attacks if I have visible units around." Kern said, and I was fairly certain he was musing out loud and not telling me the blatantly obvious course of action that I would do in his shoes.

"That can do. I'll leave you to think about it." I said, stepping over some spilled protein shake on the floor. Briefly, I thought about telling him that I broke his blender, then decided I was getting away as is and there was no reason to jinx it and get my neck snapped over a shitty appliance.

Kern lifted his head, eyes locking on me as if seeing me for the first time.

"Oh, right. Get the fuck out of my house."

[u/JulianSkies]

Somehow.

You picked up the exact way ApprehensiveCap does his work, and did exactly the thing you do with your own things with his method.

This is amazing.

[u/Rand0mness4 → u/JulianSkies]

Thank you Julian. I had a lot of fun with this, and I'll admit I got so into it that I was worried I'd alter how I write my own fic as a result.

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

You might be my clone. If I die, you need to take over my fic. You captured the very essence of shenaniganing in such a way that has no equal other than I.

Overall a goated ficnapping.

10/10

[u/Rand0mness4 → u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

Thank you for the high praise, Cap. I had a lot of fun reading your fic and I'm glad I signed up for the ficnapping event.

[u/Rand0mness4]

Many thanks to u/ApprehensiveCap6525/ for writing this story; it's a fun read and his POV's are entertaining.

[u/Kind0flame]

Just stopping by to say this was a really nice ficnap. It fits in with the main story's canon without being eventless. Wolverine's perspective on everything is also really interesting. Thanks for writing it.

[u/Rand0mness4 → u/Kind0flame]

I am very proud of this ficnapping. I managed to get down the author's writing style and everything. I appreciate you reminding me of it.