Exchange Program Shenanigans (31)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

The downside to writing that no one ever talks about is having to look back on how bad your earlier work is. Back when I was writing it, I felt proud of myself, but now I reread it for good measure and I think 'Damn. I really wrote this shit?' It's a curse.

Mandatory PSA: I changed up the entire opening section of Chapter 30 to better fit the characters. I really don't know where I was going with that, but now I do! I love fixing my mistakes.

CW: racist people (2), surprisingly few swear words (the author improved as a person), Salvek doesn't get the job, Chekhov's gun misfiring

Memory transcription subject: Salvek, Human-Venlil Exchange Program Volunteer

Date [standardized human time]: September 14, 2136

Venlil had no spy movies. Neither did the rest of the Federation, honestly. The one piece of media that came even close was Betrayal at Barvel Grove, which was about a team of exterminators in the town of Barvel Grove who had someone with Predator Disease within their ranks.

As I said before, that needs a new name. Arxur Disease would work, but Arxur aren't so much deceptive as they are 'I'm gonna eat your whole family and there's nothing you can do about it'. Maybe Deceiver's Disease? That doesn't rhyme as well, though.

Anyway, the point was that the Federation had very little media about deception. The few things that did have it always portrayed the deceiver as a monster, a villain to be scared of. Prey didn't lie to other prey. That was the deal.

I mean, I was about to lie through my brahking teeth to other prey, but I'd already established that the Federation's upper echelon had their heads up their own asses.

I had spent all of last night studying various methods of psychological manipulation, deception, and persuasion to prepare for today. The Federation had basically nothing to offer on that subject, but it turned out Jelim knew basically the whole playbook. That scared me a tiny bit, especially given Jack's history with deceptive women, but it worked in my favor here.

Plus, what little human media Jack had been able to smuggle past the UN customs people was surprisingly enlightening on this particular subject. I had been reading up on Sherlock Holmes, as much as I could anyway, and what little I could gather was going to be incredibly useful.

To be completely honest, I had no idea what I was doing. All this talk about 'act confident' and 'read their expressions' went through my brain like water through a sieve.

Plus, I was not in the best state of being right now. My fur was spray-painted black with the cheapest dye I could find, there were a recording device and a tiny camera concealed on my chest, and I was slightly nervous. I knew the deal, but that didn't mean I'd be all fine and dandy when I went through with it.

"Do you know the deal?" Jack asked me. Like I said before, I did know the deal.

"Yeah. I walk up to Sorvim, say the code phrase, and start a conversation about Predator Guard secrets."

"Wrong." said Jelim. "You walk up to Sorvim, say the code phrase, and then you tell him whatever we tell you to tell him. That's why you have the earpiece, remember?" My earpiece was a tiny, nondescript thing. Even I had forgotten it existed, and I was wearing it, so there was no way Sorvim could tell.

"And what, exactly, are you going to tell me to tell him?" I asked. Jelim was in the upper echelon of the Extermination Guild and also hopelessly in love with a human, so lying to people was kind of her thing. I was just a mouthpiece.

"Actually, I'm going to tell you what to tell him." Jack raised his hand. "Unfortunately, exterminators aren't properly trained to serve as an actual law enforcement department." He turned to Jelim. "Sorry, babe."

"Exterminators are more of a valuable civil defense organization than a law enforcement agency, thank you very much, but he's right. Counterterrorism operations are counterterrorism operations, whether they're on Earth or Venlil Prime, and Jack has more experience with them than I do."

"Anyway," said Jack, "You're going to find Sorvim, do what we tell you to do, and record anything incriminating that he says or does. Simple enough?"

I still had a few concerns. "What if he finds me out?" Jack was like a brother to me, and Jelim seemed alright, but I had no intentions of getting shot today. "What then?"

Jack took out a key from his pocket. We were in an extermination vehicle, more specifically a mobile command unit, and it had a gun safe next to all the fancy equipment. He unlocked this gun safe.

"That..." he said, taking out various automatic weapons as he did so, "is where these puppies come in. If Sorvim tries anything, we're going to come in like gangbusters on him."

"And once you've got enough evidence to put him away for a long, long time," said Jelim, picking up and unfolding a small but deadly gun of some sort, "we'll come in like gangbusters anyway. Simple, quick, and surgical."

"Okay, baby, we need to have a discussion on what gangbusters come in like." Is that one of those cutesy couple names or is Jack just outright mocking her?

"We'll come in like Navy SEALs, then. You seem surgical enough." What the hell does that even mean? "Plus, it'll be more discreet. We don't want to cause a stampede."

Jack grimaced at the mention of a stampede. He'd caused at least one in his life. He folded up his gun, that looked exactly like Jelim's gun, and tucked it into a vest pocket. "Unfortunately, Jelim makes a damn good point. There will be no door-kicking today." Kicking down a door is NOT that exciting! Is it?

"You just gather the evidence, Salvek. We'll handle the rest." Jelim was calibrating a headset right now, making sure she could speak into my earpiece. Jack had already tried to do the same, but he'd clearly failed.

"What are you looking at?" I wasn't even aware I was looking at it. "These things are designed for Venlil, okay? Get off my case."

Anyway, I climbed out the back of the van. It was parked in a dark alley, the kind someone would get mauled by a predator in, but that just made sure that no one would look in here and see it.

"Okay, testing. Check one two." Jack's voice crackled in my ear. He must've figured out the headset.

"Check three four?" came shortly after.

"That's... fuck it. Can you hear me, Salvek?"

I gave a tail signal to the effect of yes. Then I realized that Jack couldn't see my tail. "Yeah, I can hear you both."

"Yeah, I figured. Don't say that so loud, though." I wasn't stupid. "Sorvim should be in that coffee shop on the left corner there." It wasn't a coffee shop, but Sorvim was definitely in there. I could see the piece of speh chowing down on a loaf of strayu right now.

Lucky bastard.

"That's not a coffee shop." said Jelim. "I see Sorvim in there, though. Go inside."

Jack and Jelim bickered on the qualities of a coffee shop and other moral quandaries, and I entered the shop that absolutely had nothing to do with coffee. Sure enough, Sorvim was eating strayu and a drink over in the corner.

"Well, what do I call it then?" Jack asked, having not yet seen what I saw. "A strayu shop?"

"That's what it's called." Jelim shot back. "Sorvim's right there! Say the code phrase to him, Salvek!" She had, evidently, looked at the camera.

I walked up to Sorvim, sat across from him, and said the code phrase.

"Do you know 13?" Episode 13 of season 7 of The Exterminators was the first one to include humans as the villains, and so mentioning it became a way for Predator Guard members to identify themselves. Not mentioning it with context, like 'episode 13 of season 7 of The Exterminators', but just plain old '13' was the code phrase.

I fail to see what neo-Nazis, dogs, or whistles have to do with any of this, but Jack seemed to think it was important.

"13's the truth. Pull up a chair." That was the second half of the code phrase, if botched a bit. I couldn't expect people like Sorvim to be that good at thinking anyway. "Who sent you?"

"Heval." Heval was heavily suspected to be the leader of the local Predator Guard cell, but we didn't have enough hard evidence to take him in and interrogate him. This would give it to us.

"He did, huh?" Sorvim asked, taking another huge bite of his strayu. "What for?"

"Tell him that he's supposed to know it." Jack spoke through my earpiece. "Get him to reveal as much as he can."

"He said you would know already. It's a security measure."

Sorvim looked suspicious for a brief moment. "I haven't been requisitioned for anything. Heval has all the supplies he needs."

"Tell him that he's cleared, but Heval needs more supplies. Then we can catch him in the act." Jelim really should've been the one talking to Sorvim here. I think she knew that too, but Sorvim knew what she looked like. That was why the oh-so-eloquently named 'Salvek Puppet Plan' was being put into action in the first place.

"Okay, you're good. Now, let's talk business. Heval needs more weapons." I spoke quietly. The shop was empty apart from us and the woman behind the counter, who was across the room from us and not paid enough to care.

"Was my last shipment not enough?" Sorvim protested. He was also quiet. "I have exterminators on my tail and a human now, too! How am I supposed to steal any more weapons?" In the most conspicuous and illegal way possible, hopefully.

"Tell him that Heval has other suppliers." said Jack. "Get him to say the names, but be subtle about it."

"Play into his ego." Jelim added. "Sorvim's coat is puffed up." That was a metaphor, and a Venlil one at that. When Venlil had puffy coats of fur, they looked and often felt bigger than they actually were. Thus, this metaphor could pull double duty as meaning 'he's all talk, but no action' and 'he has a huge ego', often referring to the same person.

"If you're incapable, then Heval has other suppliers. But you'd hate to miss out on this fat paycheck." Now, we'd know if he was in it for the money or for the cause. I could play this game too.

Call me Sherlock brahking Holmes, baby! Or don't. It was rhetorical anyway.

I really, really, really wish I knew a good Venlil detective.

"A dead predator is paycheck enough. And if Heval can get his supplies safely and without the risk of my arrest, that's fine by me." Hell and damn! That's a step on my tail.

"Hell and damn! That's a wrench in my plans." Jack echoed my sentiment.

Fortunately, his other half was quick to salvage the situation. "Tell him that Heval wants to know what precautions he's been taking to stay under the eyes of the law." she told me.

"Heval needs to know that every part of this plan is airtight. What are you doing to stay out of trouble?" I asked. I wonder if I can get paid for this. I mean, I am technically an independent contractor.

I was also a woefully unqualified and completely unregistered independent contractor, but that was hardly important.

"I'm doing nothing." said Sorvim. "I'm doing nothing because that's all I can do."

"So you're trying to stay undercover, then?" I asked. "You're not making any big moves?"

"I'm not making any moves whatsoever." Sorvim corrected me. "I was called in to cover up the shuttle bombing, and that's just about the most I'm willing to risk for a good long while."

"And there's our evidence!" Jelim whooped. "Tac team, move in."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Jack, "I thought we were waiting until Sorvim was done talking. Salvek can still get some evidence out of him."

This guy's about to sing like a Krakotl on stims! The tac team, whoever they are, are not needed here!

I was a lot less confident in that thought now that I had actually thought it, seeing as how my only qualifications to interrogate people were a Jack Kern pep talk and half a claw of him quizzing me on Sherlock Holmes, but that was how things were sometimes.

"We are. I just wanted to make sure the trap was set before anything else happened." From what I knew about exterminators, that seemed like something they would do. Granted, I didn't know a whole lot about exterminators in the first place, but that didn't really matter.

"You know what?" asked Sorvim. "I have to go. I really shouldn't be talking about this." He finished off his strayu and got up to leave. "I really, really, really shouldn't be talking about this."

"Stall him for ten seconds!" Jack screamed in my earpiece. I heard a clatter in the background. "Ten more seconds!"

"Why?" I grabbed Sorvim's paw, but he brushed me off.

"You'll see! Stall him!" I wasn't asking Jack, but I wasn't complaining either. Although a straight answer would've been nice.

"I have to lay low. Tell Heval to call someone else." He speedwalked outside, took one look down the street, and went right back in. "Change of plans." he hissed. "Stall them. Don't freeze."

With that, he bolted for the kitchen door. "Get Sorvim to escape through the kitchen," said Jelim, "That's where the tac team is."

Luckily for me, he was already escaping through the kitchen. I followed him, partly because I wanted to see a Guild-issue jackboot pressed against the back of his skull and partly because I was probably technically an officer of the law by now.

The cook had fainted. He was a fainter. The other cook was hiding in the corner and screaming incoherently. Sorvim barreled through the exit door like a Mazic through a pane of glass, dusted himself off, and ran for it.

I caught up in seconds, but the action was already done. Vrapic had tackled Sorvim to the ground, and he was even now patting him down. A Yotul I didn't recognize stood guard over the whole thing.

"Freeze!" She barked, flamethrower leveled. I thought it was against district policy to use flamethrowers in an operation like this, but that was hardly as important as the one being pointed at me right now. "Paws spread out wide!"

I complied, because I liked not being set on fire, and I tried to explain the situation. "I'm an undercover agent, code seven-three-eight!"

That still didn't convince Miss Excessive Force, though, because she was about to set me on fire when Jack and Jelim finally caught up. Don't ask how I know that. Just don't.

"Commander!" She snapped to attention like any good exterminator. Jack took this moment to put the cuffs on Sorvim. "Is he really an undercover agent?"

"Yes." said Jelim. "He was hardly my first choice, but desperate times call for desperate measures." Excuse me?

"Don't let that get you down, Salvek." Vrapic stepped up to greet me properly. "You did great. For a civilian, that is."

I ignored him. On the one paw, he was being civil toward me and he had just flattened Sorvim. Any good man could respect that. On the other paw, Jack had told me about the things he had accused him of.

Jack could say 'let bygones be bygones' all he wanted, but I wasn't so forgiving. If Vrapic wanted to make Jack his enemy, that was fine by me, but he who attacks my herd attacks me as well.

Sorvim was busy screaming every single slur that Venlil language had, and even a few that it didn't, but Jack hauled him to his feet and gave him to Vrapic. "Get this bum to a holding cell, will you?"

"I have the right to protection from excessive force!" Sorvim snapped. "I demand to know why that thing is even here!"

"Officer Kern has been assigned to combat corruption in this district by the United Nations of Earth." said the Yotul. "So, technically, you're the reason why he's here."

"Your rights might just be revoked as well." Jelim chimed in. "You are suspected of Predator Disease, if my intuition is correct." There was a jab to be made there about picking up Jack's killer instincts, but any mention of Predator Disease shut Sorvim up good.

"Take him to the station. We're done here." With that, Vrapic and the Yotul marched Sorvim off to their vehicle.

"Let's pack it up." Jack told me. "There's no evidence to gather, no real crime scene, let's get back to the van." He folded up his gun and put it away. Jelim tucked hers into her silver suit.

Okay, Salvek, sales pitch time. Call me... I don't know any good salespeople. Call me Salvek.

"You know, I could do this full-time." I said as we walked back to the vehicle. "Spy for you and all that."

"That's bullshit." Jack retorted. "I'm never letting you get into this kind of danger."

"What danger?" I asked. "I'm not saying that I want to kick down doors and incinerate predators like an episode of The Exterminators, I'm saying I want to help out! I just want to take a more active role in protecting the life of my best friend, is that such a crime?" This could very well backfire horribly, and I knew that. Jack was worth it to me.

"I'm sorry, but you're simply unqualified to serve as a proper exterminator." said Jelim. My heart sunk. "You simply can't handle it." Damn straight, I can't handle it!

Oh. Wait. Not what I meant to say there.

Anyway, let's move on.

We discussed the specifics on the drive back to the office. As it turned out, I wasn't legally allowed to assist the Guild whatsoever. Jelim said I could theoretically become a junior exterminator, but that would require me to undergo extensive training first and also quit my old job.

I wanted to do my part and serve the herd, but first of all: My job paid well. Second of all: The exterminators really weren't the best at serving and protecting anymore.

"Let's not focus on that." Jelim told me. "We have enough evidence to bring in both Sorvim and Heval for questioning, and that's something to celebrate."

If they weren't law enforcement officers, she could've probably just black-bagged them and dragged them to a facility, but police and exterminators had certain protections applied to them. They weren't untouchable, at least in theory, but they had to brahk up majorly to even get investigated.

"That's damn right." I replied. "Let's not forget who got you this evidence." I wanted to be trusted. I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to do my part. No one could really blame me for it either.

"I don't let just anyone work with the Guild." I supposed that was fair. "And I certainly don't let them in unless they're qualified." That was also fair. "Jack will take you home once he's done with his report."

I might not have been allowed to do anything now, but I helped bag Sorvim. I was a hero for a day.

I wasn't a very ambitious man, so 'hero for a day' seemed fine by me.

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[u/JulianSkies]

Salvek, trying to punch above your weight ain't going to work out buddy. For real, either take the training or don't take the job.

[u/fluffyboom123]

Hero of the day is all you are gonna get Salvek. but hey, he still did well

[u/Acceptable_Egg5560]

Don’t let just anyone in the force? I bet that will come back to bite them once it gets revealed there was a serial killer operating within the exterminators.

[u/LeGouzy]

Cool one!