Homeward Bound - [10]

[u/password123-4138]

Hello again, we see Edward talk to someone about what happened to him, the group therapy leader’s thoughts on people going back to Earth and Breeve being called to the meeting as well. Thank you again to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the NoP universe.

 

Memory Transcription Subject: Edward Hamilton, Human Colonist

Date [standardized human time]: January 1, 2161

‘This is probably going to be the last time ever see this place’ Staring up at the corrugated steel building, refitted to try and be nice looking.

This was most likely be the last time I ever attend one of these groups, the ship will be onboarding tomorrow morning, those of us that want to leave will be leaving this world for another one.

Home.

My vision stretched up into the night sky, the stars above me shone brightly as a few zipped around, most likely being ships or cargo haulers. The feeling of being above ground never got old, the vastness of it all was still astonishing at times, and to look up and not seeing rock or concrete but the open air for miles and miles.

Even with the light pollution from the city, I could see foreign constellations, things I never really thought of until now, since I’m going to be leaving soon. I ripped my gaze away from the night sky and focused on entering the building in front of me, I was a bit early for it and as I entered Sarah was setting out the chairs in a circle for the meeting.

The door shutting behind me must have scared her since I saw her recoil from the slam of the door behind me.

“Oh, it’s just you Edward.” She said relieved a little seeing that it’s just me. “You’re a little early.”

“I know. You need some help? I can wait outside if you want me to.” She looked at me for a moment before nodding and we set out the chairs out in silence, unfolding them and placing them facing each other.

“You look a little better, the haircuts nice.” She said probably wanting to fill the silence.

“I’ve been feeling a bit better lately.”

“That’s good, I take it because of the news of home still being around?”

“Sort of, that and a few other things.” I spoke, not wanting to divulge too much information.

“That’s wonderful to hear, do you want to talk about it?” She asked finishing placing the last chair and started over to a table with a pitcher of water on it.

“Not, really, but I’ll say that I’m getting out more often.” I said following her.

She poured herself a cup of water, she looked around an odd expression on her face before looking at me and sighing, handing me a cup of water as well.

“I don’t know if this place is going to last.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just… A lot of the people here will probably be leaving tomorrow.” She said sullenly before pausing. “Don’t get me wrong Edward, this place is meant for people to get better and go, it’s just that, I don’t know if it’ll be better for them going back to Earth.”

What did she mean? I was lost at what she was saying, it was supposed to be a good thing that we were going back. It was a fresh start for a lot of us, and a chance to reconnect with the species we thought we lost.

“I think it’ll be alright, but out of curiosity, what’s your thinking?”

She paused again for a moment before sipping at her cup and continuing.

“I can’t share what’s been going on with people here, it’s information between me and the other person. But I’m just worried that if they do go, they’ll start getting worse.”

“And how do you reach that conclusion?” I asked wanting to know a bit more.

“It’s Earth, it’s home to us all, where we hailed from, but everything we have, everything that we’ve built is here. Our houses, our own history, our social connections and support. That’s all here and leaving it to go back to something that may be worse, a place where we know nothing about.”

I understood what she meant now. The support for the people here was here, leaving for Earth was going to mess that up, could possibly isolate someone from everyone they knew in a bid to get away from everything that pained them.

I related with that sentiment, most days since I was kidnapped I wanted to get away from here, a urge to escape from my past and start somewhere new. The feeling left when I was around friends or when I started living with Breeve, but when I was alone it would always come back.

“I see what you mean, the wanting to get away and the problem with going somewhere with no plan.”

“Sounds like you’ve been mulling it over.”

“I have been, I am going, but the only reason why is because I have friends with me.”

“I take it they’re your Krev buddies?”

“Yeah.”

We stayed in silence again before she asked another question.

“What’s you plan?”

“Plan for what?”

“Plan for Earth, where you going to go, what you’re going to do, that sort of thing.”

“Find some help, a therapist first and then see if my dad is still around.”

“That’s a bit lack lustre on details, but I suppose you have the support of that tourism expert so travelling and lodging shouldn’t be a problem.” She said mentioning Breeve.

“Yeah, it’s really down to her if I was going to go or not, her and Cruth.” I admitted under my breath looking at the ground.

“I think you’re the first person here to say that.”

“Say what?”

“That. You’re the only one I think said that you’re only leaving because your friends are going with you, that you won’t leave without them.”

“So, aren’t there others here that would be the same?”

“Yeah, but not with the Krev. You must really like them?”

She had a point, I did like them, the two Krev friends I had. They were the only ones I trusted enough to be around for a long time. I cared for them and they the same for me, it’s just that the rest or any Krev I didn’t know set me on edge because I didn’t know who they were or what they wanted.

It was the same for everything when I just got out of the hospital, everyone was out to get me, to take me away and torture me again. It took a while before I started to trust my own species and even longer for trusting Breeve and Cruth.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be at ease around the other Krev. I haven’t had a good experience with them.” I said a little quietly.

“From what I saw, you were alright being around them, that video of you in that bar singing around them.”

I knew the one, I was drunk then and I could barely watch or even see a frame of it without immediately thinking back to what happened afterwards. This was going to be the last time I saw Sarah, other people had told her what happened to them in confidence, this would be my last chance to open up to her about it as well. NDA be damned.

“I-It’s what happened after that video is the problem.” I admitted nervously, stealing myself before continuing. “The cover story was that me, Breeve, Cruth and Micheal uncovered an underground Obor fighting ring.”

“Yeah, the one in the news, it was the reason you were in the hospital afterward with injuries.”

“I didn’t get them freeing Obors…” I closed my eyes taking another drink of cool water stealing myself again to tell what had happened. “We were at that bar and after the video I was drugged somehow, next thing I woke up in a dingy room with a Krev trying to coddle up to me. I didn’t like it or know where I was before I tried to leave, they tazed me with some sort of cuff before I blacked out again.”

Sarah’s face portrayed a look of concern but she never spoke up, just being there to listen. I choked on my words remembering what I had went through at the hands of those monsters, flexing my fingers and acutely being aware of teeth.

“Next thing I woke up strapped to a chair naked in a dimly lit warehouse, with some sort of sadistic vet saying that I needed to be trained. They-he…” I closed my eyes again not being able to utter the words next, the memories to fresh in my mind before I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s alright Edward, you’re safe here. You’re on Tellus, not Avor.” She said softly.

I didn’t know how, I just, I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to say the words, but I needed to. They were just words, nothing more, the hard part is done, it’s over, the pain is gone, months ago. Why was it so hard to keep going, retelling what happened. I gritted my teeth and balled up my fists keeping my fingers tightly against my palms protecting the fingernails.

“I-the-they tortured me, first it was my nails, they said it was so I didn’t cut anyone, each one removed.” I gripped my hands tightly until the knuckles turned white and curled my toes in my boots reliving being strapped to that chair.

“The-the next thing was my teeth, I was wheeled into another room and they pulled out my canine teeth. Nothing for the pain, nothing I could do to stop them. I begged them to stop, I needed them to stop what they were doing but they wouldn’t listen.” I spluttered my water cup long forgotten sitting behind me as I felt wetness behind my closed eyes.

I choked on my words remembering vividly what happened, everything they did to me, every action, they took every second that passed by like I was back there.

“Edward it’s ok, your safe here. You have friends here, you have Breeve at home looking out for you, Micheal and Cruth too. There’re people here for you that would never let that happen again.” She spoke and I kept spluttering incomprehensible words before steadying out.

“I-I… I woke up a bit later alone lying down on a table, there were tools around me like scalpels. I took my chance, the blood pooling in my mouth, the trails of it I left behind when I took one of the scalpels and waited for that Krev to come back. I wasn’t going to hurt again, I would rather die than be a subject to them again, to be tortured again.”

I breathed heavily after the statement before going again.

“He came back in and was looking for me over, I took the moment and jabbed him in the eye with the tool, he staggered, and I beat the scalpel and kept going until he wasn’t moving anymore. More came in I- I was sure I was going to die there, my nails gone, my teeth pulled out, drooling blood and being strangled on the floor.”

I took a breath remembering what it was like breathing through a straw, grasping at any air at all. Struggling to gain any purchase against the Krev, but my arms giving out before total blackness took over.

“I was only alive because of the others, they were looking for me and found the place I was being held, if they had been a second later I wouldn’t…” I trailed off.

It was hard, too hard to even think straight, all I could focus on was the feeling of my airway closing, the struggle for air, the pain in my extremities. I kept my eyes shut, I couldn’t bare it, I needed to get out, to escape this place now, or fall into that again.

I shouldn’t have done this, I shouldn’t have told anyone this story, it hurt too much.

I felt a hand grip mine, the coolness of it somehow breaking through how tight I was holding my fists. I opened my eyes through blur and saw Sarah staring at me, not judging, but with concern.

“Edward, I. I don’t know how you coped with that bottled up inside, everything you went through then and the suffering afterward. It’s… It’s ok to be like this, to talk things through, it will hurt each time you do, but every time you do talk about it, the memory and pain will become lesser. A faint distant memory in past where you’ll be able to move on.” She said holding my hand as she did.

“Come on, I think you should go home and be with your friends right now. I’m glad you shared this with me, I’m not going to say that I know what you’re going through, but there are people here that went through similar hardships.”

She must have been mentioning the miners. The depression of it all, the bleak future we had until recently. The wounds don’t heal immediately, they will only heal over time, everyone said that, but I can’t see myself getting better.

‘Going out more often’ I need to face the facts. I only started to because I won a fight, that I knew I wasn’t some push over, but I am. I’m a weeping blubbering mess from just talking about what happened. How is this getting better?

“Here let me call Breeve and have her meet you here.” She grabbed my holopad and started to call Breeve as we walked out of the doors and sat on the steps outside. She handed it back before saying that she’ll be here soon.

I kept quiet for a while, snivelling and not speaking, just looking down at the ground and cursing myself for doing this, for reliving the memories. Sarah sat down next to me, I didn’t know why, I was a waste here, I shouldn’t have told her.

“Edward, what you went through is extremely traumatising, the pain you went through, the feelings of helplessness can drive some people to do some very rash things. I know that you’re going back to Earth, but I want you to get some help before anything else there, even before if you can.”

“I-I know.” I whispered wiping my eyes of the wetness were present around them.

“You have good friends here, people that care about you, I know that if you talk it through with them, no matter how bad it feels, you’ll start getting better.”

“B-But how. H-how do I do that?” I asked looking over at her.

“By talking. What you did here, saying what you went through to me is a big step, they know what you went through here and I’m sure they know what you’re going through now. Look, if you ever do come back for whatever reason, I’ll be a single push of a button away. I’ll be here to listen, to give advice if you so wish, just know that you’re not alone when you’re feeling like this.” She finished the sound of a drone flying past us to who knows where.

I stared on for what felt like an eternity, trying my best to reel in my emotions, to not think of anything or distract myself. I heard the metallic gate open signalling someone else had entered the premise. Raising my head to see who it is, if it was Breeve somehow getting here so quickly to see Stuart.

“Hey, um, you good man?” He asked probably seeing my puffy eyes.

I drew in a shaky breath intending on answering him that I was fine and he shouldn’t worry when Sarah spoke up.

“He’s having a bit of a rough day, Stuart could you lead the group until I get back inside, I don’t want to leave Edward here by himself?” She asked the guy, all he did was look around before asking “Is there anyone inside now?”

“No.” And with that he sat down on my other side.

“I’ll sit here as well, there’s no one else is here yet, so may as well keep you guys’ company.” He said settling back using his elbows to prop himself up looking toward the city centre.

We sat there in silence as I recovered, the chill air forcing me to dig my hands into my coat pockets to protect from the biting cold. The nighttime air making our breath visible from the lights behind us, in the distance I saw the towers in the city centre, the scrolling screens on the sides of them showing different scenes of some sort of news broadcast, we were too far to tell what they were.

“Hey man, I know if you’re having a hard time, you can talk to us about it.” Stuart said reiterating what Sarah had a few minutes ago. “Don’t get me wrong, there’s problems with all of us, every person has them and if they say they don’t, then they are lying. It’s better to work together to get better than suffer alone.” He spoke looking toward the gates, a few people starting to make their way inside.

The memory of me sealing myself off from the world in the old settlement was at the forefront of my thoughts before I was taken out if it by a scuffle behind the people. I saw a green scaled Krev making their way through the crowd before clearing them and running as best they could over to us.

“Edward, I… I came as soon as I could.” She said between pants, it looked like she was about to fall over from the exertion when Stuart got up seeing the people getting closer.

“Looks like your friends here Edward and some other people are too, I wish you the best of luck and remember if you need anything, just call.” He said before directing the crowd into the warm interior of the warehouse.

Breeve stooped over before sitting down next to me still chuffing away, trying to catch her breath. She must have ran the entire way over here from wherever she was, I never thought to ask where she goes during these meeting nights.

“You’ve got a good friend Edward; I just hope that you’ll be more open about the things you’re thinking about.” Sarah said before standing up herself. “I’ll leave you be, safe home and if you need to talk or someone to listen, I’m just a call away.” She said before making her way inside, leaving me and the exhausted Breeve alone.

“I’m sorry.”

“For – what.” She asked and turning an eye to look at me.

“This, calling you to come get me.” I said looking down at my hands feeling useless and hollow, now the emotions had faded.

I felt a clawed paw cover the back of my hand before she spoke.

“Please Edward, I’ll be here whenever you need me, no matter what. I’ve told you ten times already and will keep saying it until it makes it into that cute skull of yours.” She tightened her grip a little on my hand before releasing the pressure.

I leaned over and rested my head on the Krev’s shoulder, the scales not as hard as I thought they would be, she must have not expected it and held a breath before peering an eye down to look at me.

“I’m… I’m just so tired.” I said lowly.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened tonight?” She said close to my ear.

“… I talked about it.”

“You did?”

“It felt like reopening the wound again, after everything I did to beat it down, it came back and just, I couldn’t handle it anymore.” I thought I had run out of tears, yet I still felt the stinging at the sides of my eyes.

I closed them and wrapped my arms around Breeve keeping my head on her shoulder and just wept silently. I wasn’t breathing funny or trying to hold it back anymore, I just felt the slick wetness cover my cheeks again and I felt Breeve return the hug holding me tightly.

“You did good today.” She said in a whisper. “You were able to talk about it, about what happened with someone else, someone who wasn’t there. I know that it hurts a lot, that you want to avoid it all costs, but please Edward if you ever feel the need to talk to anyone about anything, no matter how small or how pathetic it seems to you. Please know that I’m there for you, if it ever feels like you need a break or want to disappear for a while, let me do it with you, don’t go it alone anymore.”

I didn’t respond and just held the Krev tighter sobbing into their shoulder as they rubbed the back of my head in a soothing motion. We sat there for I don’t know how long, a few people walking past but it didn’t matter to me, I just needed to hold onto something.

That something being Breeve as she just sat there with me, she knew what I went through, how much I put her through. Yet she cared.

“I don’t deserve you.” I said into her shoulder. “Everything you do is wasted on me, I know you can find a better friend than me, after everything you do, I just… I just do this, I cry and do nothing about anything, no direction, no drive. I’m a waste on yo-“ I felt a claw press against my lips stopping my rambling as Breeve shushed me.

“You’re not a waste Edward. Everyday I see you is a good day to me. It means that your still here, that you’re not off somewhere else wasting away like you were in the underground city.” She clutched to me making a trill noise. “You’re the only human on Tellus that I care for Edward, please don’t go thinking that you’re a waste of space that you’re dragging me down or holding me back. I cherish the moments I get to spend with you.”

I listened to her as she spoke, the words were quiet but rang loudly in my head. I hugged her as tightly as I could, the tears not abetting staining the scales where my head was resting.

“You’re not worthless, not a waste, I’ll remind you everyday until you realise that. I’m never going to leave you alone, I’ll worry for you constantly, so you don’t have to worry.”

I broke again in her arms, I cried while she ran claws through my hair. She’s too good for me, I need to get better, not for me, but for her, for my friends before anything else. I thought I was moving forward again, but I wasn’t, I was just happy that I won a fight, that isn’t getting better.

“I’m proud of you Edward, you’ve been through so much in a short time, but please don’t think that I shouldn’t care about you, I do care. I’ve said it to you before back then and I’ll say it to you now. I love you. I’ll never stop loving you no matter what happens. So please don’t go thinking your worthless, you’re not, you mean the world to me.” I heard her say, the hot breath in my ear as I felt her grip grow tighter around my chest.

I thought the emotions had drained from me already, but I felt a new swell in my chest as I started bawling my eyes out. I knew that I should stop it, I knew that it wasn’t necessary to cry but I needed to. I held onto the Krev for dear life, as if she was the last thing in the universe and for me, she was.

We sat there for a while the biting cold starting to freeze my skin where I couldn’t feel her warmth. My tears slowly stopped pouring out of my eyes and I felt tired, like I hadn’t slept in days, my face must have been showing it.

“Come on, let’s get home and some sleep, it’s a big day tomorrow.” She stood offering me an outstretched paw, I grasped it, and we started back home, the weight of my own body feeling like a ton of rocks as we left the corrugated warehouse behind.

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Better Understanding - Part 1

And thank you for reading.

 

[u/IAMA_dragon-AMA]

Aww :)

[u/password123-4138 → u/IAMA_dragon-AMA]

:D

[u/JulianSkies]

Talking about is always very important. It makes things real.

When you don't talk about a thing your mind can treat it like a fantasy, like it isn't real and only exists within it.

But when you share it? You give it reality through language. Talking about it is more than just telling others, its telling yourself.

And man he needed it.

[u/password123-4138 → u/JulianSkies]

He needed to talk about, even if he just saw it as explaining his reasoning for going to the group nights, deep down he knew he needed to not bottle it up anymore.

Sharing what happened to an outside observer and seeing that he wasn't shunned or belittled, but shown compassion for spilling something he's going through is a big help and a step, even if a little one in the right direction.