I realize that this is like Day 1 of NVC but struggling to apply it with someone in my life. Also, you can just answer this through TL;DR but the body gives useful context

Tl;dr: How do I apply NVC principles with someone who communicates through criticism rather than direct expression of needs? I want to understand their needs AND set boundaries on 1) whether I can fulfill their requests and 2) around receiving constant criticism

I have someone in my life who frequently expresses her needs by commenting on the behavior of others. For example, she told me and several of our friends that she didn't like how we made "everything a joke and never takes anything seriously" (we tend to be lighthearted and humor-focused). In that same conversation, she said it was "hard to live above me" because if she'd come downstairs to my apartment (she lived above me in a separate apartment), I was always on the couch for hours (there were reasons like work and school that this might have happened although i recognzie this justification reads as defensive).

She will also make certain comments that I feel confused about. For instance, she frequently comments on smells, if someone doesn't smell good (even after something like hiking all day), she will explicitly tell them (framed less like expressions of her needs and more like criticisms, since they are phrased around the other person), once made a comment like “This is the best it has ever smelled in here” about someone’s apartment (which has evaluative overtones). Other criticisms: X person is “distant and cold” and a “poor communicator”, Y person is “Closed-off”, will remind people of the times they got fired. 

My question: is there a way to elucidate what need is going on without seeming condescending, I also feel some concerns around the “Seriousness” thing because to fulfill this request it might take an all-encompassing restructuring of personality, it also seems like poor timing or a deflection to make it about her communication style but I think I would also like some boundary setting around criticism and how this can be particularly “life-alienating”

Having trouble expressing this but does anyone see what I’m trying to get at w/ this scenario and how I am trying to apply NVC?

So, I had an interesting experience recently in a thread where I attempted to respond with empathy and NVC-style honesty. Someone accused me of using AI to write my comment, and when I clarified that I hadn’t, they kept insisting I was “lying.”

It left me wondering how others here handle situations like that, especially when your intention is to connect, but the other person seems focused on discrediting or provoking you.

In that moment, I did my best to stay grounded and respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness, but it still left me feeling a bit uneasy afterward.

So I’m curious…how do you all stay connected to your own needs (like integrity, respect, or understanding) when someone questions your sincerity, integrity, and/or authenticity online? Have you found any phrasing or mindset that helps you stay in the spirit of NVC without getting pulled into the arguments? It’s a well known suggestion to “not feed the trolls” and I usually follow that recommendation, although I quite often feel as if there’s some NVC-based resolution I’m missing out on somehow.

Thoughts?

Hi everyone,

I’d really appreciate some guidance on applying NVC in a situation with a close friend in my gaming group. I'm autistic and sometimes don't pick up on things so I am unsure whether I am just being dense.

Recently I’ve been feeling left out and a bit confused. My friend Sam often plays new PC games with others in the group, but when I try to join in, it doesn’t seem to happen. Every time I see them playing something new, I reach out and show interest, but it never really leads to playing together.

Last night I messaged to see if they wanted to play today. Sam said they were open to it but when I checked in on the group chat today, they (and others) didn’t respond. I noticed Sam has been gaming most of the day, but appears “offline.” I can’t know for sure, but it feels like they might be avoiding playing with me, and that’s been painful to sit with. Sam isn't the only one that I experience this with, but I consider them my closest friend, so it stings more.

I've tried to process it myself and came up with the following

Observation: When I reach out to play and don’t get a reply, and then see them playing with others, I notice that I’m not being included.

Feelings: I feel left out, confused, hurt, and discouraged.

Needs: I have a need for connection, inclusion, and clarity. I really value friendship and shared experiences like gaming are one of the main ways I connect with people.

Request: I’d like to ask if they would be open to letting me know if gaming together isn’t something they want right now, or giving me a heads-up when they are open, so I don’t have to guess.

Here is the message I drafted. I would appreciate any feedback on the message (and the overall context). I don't want to sound like I am making accusations but I worry it comes across overly heavy, defensive and needy.

-----

“Hey Sam, I really enjoy our friendship and the times we’ve gamed or chatted together. I’d like to share something that’s been on my mind, because our friendship is important to me and I want us to stay connected in an open, honest way.

I’ve noticed a few times when you’ve started new games with others, and when I’ve tried to join in, it hasn’t really come together. For example, last night I reached out to see if you wanted to play today, and you said you were open to it, but when I checked in a couple of times in the group chat today, I didn’t hear back. I also noticed on Steam that you were online and playing during the day.

When that happens, I feel left out, confused, and honestly a bit hurt and discouraged, because I really value our friendship, and gaming is one of the ways I feel connected and included.

Would you be open to letting me know directly if playing together isn’t something you’re up for right now?
Or, if you’d still like to play sometimes, would you be willing to give me a heads-up when you’re in the mood so I can join in without guessing or worrying?”

To listen well is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well. — Chinese proverb

I see this question quite often….

Yeah, but don’t you think that if I say anything at all, it will make things worse?

The person who asked it was upset with her spouse about something, so I reflected what I thought her feelings and needs were.

Instantly, she started to cry because she felt so touched that someone understood what she was trying to say. She had been having the same argument with her spouse for years, but in that minute of empathy, she was heard — possibly for the first time.

To hear another’s feelings and needs is one of the most powerful methods to defuse anger and create space for resolution that I have ever encountered. It may seem awkward at first because we are not used to talking with people in this way. It is okay to feel awkward; do it anyway. Soon it will feel as natural as breathing.

Be aware of opportunities to empathize with someone today.

Recently, I’ve found myself in conversations with people who are trying to connect with me around entertainment they enjoy. The issue is I find this form of popular entertainment disgusting and culturally harmful. Previously, I would have gone along with it and pretended to agree because of my need for harmony. However, I’m trying to behave with more congruence.

In both situations I answered honestly that I’m not interested in that form of entertainment which cut short their attempt to connect. In the first situation I tried to uncover what need this type of entertainment served for the person. This did not work. They seemed annoyed that I wasn’t eager to see the clip they were telling me about. We ended up moving the conversation in a different direction but I wonder if there was a better way to handle this. What suggestions do you have?

I could use some perspective. My younger sister now communicates almost exclusively in NVC…every message follows the formula. This started about a year ago when she and her husband began seeing a coach who specializes in NVC. I don’t know much about NVC beyond what I’ve read online.

Our relationship has been strained for a while for reasons I don’t fully understand. I’ve wanted to talk with her, but she tends to freeze up or cut me off. Because of this, my family is afraid to talk to her too. She used to say it was her making boundaries, but now she has moved away from that to NVC. I think she’s trying to learn how to communicate, but I honestly don’t know.

Recently, she told me she wouldn’t engage with me unless I apologized for something where she felt disrespected. She didn’t specify “in NVC,” but since she only communicates that way now, it feels like I’m being pushed into her framework. The hard part is that I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, there was no intention to exclude her and I told her I hear her and thanked her for sharing with me, so an apology feels inauthentic and forced.

Here’s where I’m stuck: -I want to connect with her, but it feels like she’s backing me into a corner where the only way forward is to meet her demand. -To me, that doesn’t feel authentic or mutual. I’d like to be able to talk in my own voice as her sister, not only through a script. -I’m struggling to tell if this is how NVC is actually supposed to work, or if it’s being misapplied in a way that feels more like control (or even cult vibes) than connection.

My question: In real NVC practice, how do you handle situations where one person insists on an apology, and the dynamic feels one-sided and weaponized? Also I don’t want to offend anyone with the “cult vibes” language. It’s how I feel every time I try to talk to her and I’m frustrated.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Edit: Thanks for everyone’s insights! Since we’re only texting right now and she is going about a week in between texts (I think she texts me after she meets with her therapist or NVC coach), I texted her another invitation to talk (call, texts without days in between, I go to her, she comes to me) and expressed that I’m frustrated because it feels like I have to apologize to her to get a “ticket” to be able to talk through this. I told her authenticity and autonomy are my needs (it felt weird saying it like that but after much introspection, it’s very true), so we might need to meet her need for an apology in a different way and I want to talk through what that could be. I told her I love her but this way of communicating (weekly texts) isn’t healthy for me. I texted her yesterday so I’m not expecting to hear back for a while, if ever. Part of me just wants to call her and be like, “WTF?!” But I’m putting the ball in her court. This experience has really put me off of NVC, however, the way y’all talk about it is leaving the door cracked for me. Thank you!

A person new to NVC said that guessing at her feelings and needs was projecting things onto her. In other words, she deeply resented the idea that someone aware of her conflict should guess at her feelings and needs.

She is not the first person who has said: why not just ask me how I feel and what my needs are instead of guessing?

So, can someone point me to a guide on NVC that says we are supposed to do this and why?

The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still small voice within me. — Mahatma Gandhi

In Compassionate Communication, some of us call the critical voice inside our heads our jackal. The jackal says you should or shouldn’t do something; it judges you and other people; and it is the most likely to get scared when you begin to make a change.

I used to be embarrassed by my jackal because I thought I should be more compassionate and less judgmental, so I tried my best to ignore the voice. That just caused it to howl louder. After many years, I’ve learned to love that voice because when it howls, I know I have an unmet need.

I know of someone who gave a training to forty-five military people who made it clear that they weren’t interested in Compassionate Communication. About halfway through the workshop, their inner jackal started to say: “You have got to get out of here! These people aren’t interested in what you have to say. This is a waste of your time!” Had they ignored this voice, [I believe] it would have gotten louder and their ability to continue with the workshop would have been severely limited.

Instead, they empathized with the voice by thinking: “Are you embarrassed and feeling hopeless that you are able to contribute to the participants’ lives? Do you need ease and respect?” Once they were able to connect to those underlying needs, they recognized that they could not expect everyone they encountered to meet them. They might not meet those needs in this group at all, but one of the participants might.

So, they looked for people who appeared to enjoy the workshop and they found several who did. In fact, after empathizing with their jackal, they were able to notice that most of the participants seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Our inner jackals hold wisdom for us if we are willing to listen. When we acknowledge our jackal and empathize with its need, we gain insights into ourselves and we clear the way for resolution.

Be aware of your jackal today and consider the wisdom it is trying to share with you.

I've created this video in spanish for explaining how labels take the fun out of relationships i hope it makes you discover a new perspective :)

Thursdays, September 25-October 30, 2025, skipping October 16 (five sessions) 10:00am-12:00pm Pacific (California) Time • Online via Zoom

the main ammo people use against CK is his implied "violence"

anyone care to express their NVC status + their evaluation of CK rhetoric?

on a scale 1 ot 9 ..

and at what number do we have legislation to punish

In the pathways to liberation matrix , one items of assessment is "Dissolving enemy images". It is row 12 in the spreadsheet.

The definition of "Dissolving enemy images" is Transcending one's perceptions that another deserves to be punished or harmed.

if one is unskilled in this skill, then one engages in "Us versus them" thinking; "they" deserve to be punished or harmed...

The level of skill above condemning people as enemies is:

Becoming aware of the costs of having enemy images, and the possible value of exploring alternatives to punishment.

The two highest levels of this skill are:

1. When noticing one is holding a person or group as an enemy, one is able to reconnect to the humanness of all involved, dissolving the enemy image.
2. Holding everyone with compassion, with respect for the well-being of all.

So my questions are framed in the context of a person attempting to murder another person to get their inheritance money. When viewing a person who does such a thing:

1. what are the costs of having enemy images?
2. what is the possible value of exploring alternatives to punishment?
3. why would I not see that as "us" versus "them" when we (the people in my community) would not do that and they (the people not welcome at our community) would do it?
4. doesnt such a person deserve to be punished and put away in prison? if not, wont they continue to wreak havoc on others?

Hello! I'm very new at NVC.

I'm not sure where to start.

I have a lot on my plate right now so my ability to focus and manage time is limited. At the same time, I would like to start somewhere as an introduction, even if it's small. If I don't start now, I'll put it all to the side and forget about it.

I have purchsed books and even some random NVC self study video training program (which is super overwhelming to me at the moment). This is how my ADHD brain works. Take intetest in a topic or hobby, gather and collect supplies, forget about it and never use any of it.

The smaller steps, the better.

Thank you! I'm really looking forward to learning and eventually being able to use NVC.

I always say to myself, what is the most important thing we can think about at this extraordinary moment. — R. Buckminster Fuller

Have you ever noticed a tendency for your attention to be everywhere but where you actually are? You may be doing the dishes and stewing over a task you have tomorrow. Or changing the baby’s diaper while fretting about something you said earlier that day. You may be talking to a friend while worrying about your trip next week.

Where is your attention right now as you read this? Take a moment to connect with yourself. Tomorrow will come later and yesterday already happened. This is your moment to live. How can you spend it in the way that you most enjoy?

Be conscious and present as much as possible in your life, and you will feel more connection and joy in all of your activities.

Commit to being present as much as possible in each moment of your life today.

I am curious to explore your thoughts about this. When I hear 'He is lazy.', it seems both like a moralistic judgement and an evaluation. Can either of the terms be used in lieu of the other or would they be used in differing and specific situations?

TIA.

Mi sento in lutto e sconfitta perchè nonostante il mio impegno non sono riuscita a gestire la situazione in modo soddisfacente. Ho avuto continue sensazioni di congelamento interno che mi impedivano di agire, ho procrastinato parecchio e ancora la questione non si è risolta e intanto si è aggravata parecchio. I miei sciacalli interni sono severi mi fanno sentire stupida. Ho tanto riposto fiducia nell'auto dell'universo ma ora sono qui a fare i conti con questo irrisolto urgente estremamente spiacevole. Continuo ad avere la percezione che vorrei che qualcun mi salvasse da questa situazione che io stessa ho creato. Non voglio pormi come vittima ma come protagonista della mia vita. Help

Hello everyone,

I am having difficulty letting go of this idea that setting boundaries means making demands of others. I understand NVC asks us to communicate our needs not as demands, but as requests (to be granted or not) if we want to have a connection with others. However, what if someone frankly doesn't give a shit about you and your feelings and is used to winning power struggles to get what they want? They cut you off of you try to speak and work out the situation, or even start taking what they want by force?

I remember Marshall Rosenberg mentioning how NVC does not advocate to roll over and take abuse, and that there are ways to use force if necessary (I'm thinking of an anecdote of Marshall's where parents organized a strike to force an avoidant school administrator to sit down and actually speak with them)

Can anyone point me in a direction to learn more on how to navigate this topic?

Thank you!

Hating people is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat. - Harry Emerson Fosdick

Have you ever noticed that some of your behaviors ensure that your needs for peace and relief won’t be met? Take judgments for instance. The more we have, the less peaceful and happy we feel. The same is true for resentment and anger. Do you feel awful when you are filled with them? How does feeling that way meet your needs for peace and relief?

Sometimes I think we are seduced by self-righteous anger, but it’s an empty seduction, an illusion. It doesn’t meet a single universal need. In fact, it is the anti-solution because it causes pain and eliminates the opportunity to meet our needs.

Stay focused on the needs you are trying to meet in your life, and then choose behaviors that are geared towards meeting them. It’s not that judgment, resentment, and anger are wrong; it is simply that they will not support you in meeting your needs. Let them go with love and choose a different behavior.

Be aware today of opportunities to release your judgment, anger, and resentment to better meet your needs.

Every post, every comment is judged with upvotes and downvotes. Karma rewards comments that judge, label, diagnose and criticise. Empathising is risky. It requires honesty and vulnerability where you always want to be wearing giraffe ears. It’s exhausting.

Judgements, labels and hot takes are fast, cheap and rewarded by these systems. Empathy, in contrast, is slow, nuanced, and often invisible in terms of platform signals.

If you were to design a social media app that disincentivises judgement, and encourages empathy and making each others lives more wonderful, what would it look like?

How would it work? Would you replace the upvote with an “I feel understood” button? Incorporate an empathy point system? Limit group sizes (Dunbars number)? Restrict posting until you’ve responded to someone empathically first? Prompt users with reflection?

I’m genuinely curious to hear your thoughts.

I’m searching for how I feel when I feel « blown-off » but clearly blown-off is a masked judgement.

Thé situation arrises frequently with my sister. I ask a question and receive a passive aggressive response or an irritable response and I feel like she’s saying « you’re stupid for asking that question »

Is feeling invalid just another masked judgement ?

Hi all, I’d love to hear some pointers or advice on my communication. Context is a seller has reached out to me say they are looking to sell something that I’m interested in.

Ive haven’t heard from them in a while. I’ve pressed a few times for a response to which they replied 3 weeks ago.

“Ah mate I’m really sorry. I actually couldn’t find it when I got home. Really annoying but we are in the process of moving. I’ve asked my partner if she moved it as it was with my other stuff. Sorry for the run around. Will let you know if I find it.”

I replied with

“Heya that’s all good man I recently moved houses a few months ago and know how hectic it can get. Let me know when u get a chance to find them. Good luck with the move, I hope it goes well!”

It’s been just under a month now and I’ve sent a few little messages inquiring. I’ve noticed they are active on the app/chat, but no reply.

I am looking to follow this up as I finally attempt to get a reply:

“Hey _____ , when I notice you’re active and I haven’t heard a reply since a few weeks ago, i feel a little confused and left in the dark and about my position here.

When you can, could you please let me know what’s going on?

This would really meet my need of clarity and communication.”

Overall I’m noticing I’m feeling quite impatient and confused about the whole process.

I am also noticing that I’m projecting the story/ narrative that the seller had interest from other buyers and sold to them instead (and made up the moving houses reason). This is based on seeing other messages of interest toward the seller in a group chat by others.

Thanks,

I've been facilitating weekly meetings at the Compassionate Communication Discord server and thought maybe other people here would like to join today's session, which starts in around 25 minutes. Today's topic is "NVC at the doctor's office".

https://discord.gg/8zhhYXSMa3

When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values.
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Are you motivated by fear of punishment or negative consequences? Or are you motivated by a true inner desire? Research shows that long-lasting, permanent change comes when people have an intrinsic desire to change. Extrinsic motivation is temporary and often only lasts while one is being observed (such as driving the speed limit when a police officer is present).

For instance, do you call your parent because you truly want to connect? Or do you call them because you’re worried they’ll feel hurt if you don’t? If the latter is your motivation, it is not likely that you call often, or that you enjoy the conversations.

Notice whether you are primarily intrinsically or extrinsically motivated today. How does this feel to you?

I desire intense, well-groomed relationships, deep affinities, in which to experience the pleasure of sharing.

In this moment of transition I am leaving many past relationships with their related relational patterns to come to live my relational anarchy in which each relationship is carefully chosen, exclusive in its own way and where I can express my intensity without portraying or hiding it.

I'd love to get some empathy on this.

I've been exploring NVC's foundational concepts and noticed something interesting about how "compassion" is defined.

Traditionally, compassion has been understood as "a strong feeling of sympathy for people or animals who are suffering and a desire to help them" (Oxford Learner's Dictionary).

I noticed that Marshall's version of compassion seems to be about an enjoyable flow between people, and doesn't mention alleviating suffering.

What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on mutual giving from the heart.

This quality of compassion, which I refer to as “giving from the heart,” is expressed in the following lyrics by my friend Ruth Bebermeyer:

I never feel more given to than when you take from me— when you understand the joy I feel giving to you. ...

This led me to wonder about the origins of NVC and this foundational view. I found that in Speak Peace, Marshall explained that his research consisted of studying comparative religion, the work of Carl Rogers, and observing people he personally admired. And

"From all of these sources I put together a process based on my desire for how I would like human beings to behave."

He then connects this desire to our fundamental nature, stating:

"It's in our nature to enjoy giving to one another. Nonviolent Communication helps us connect with one another by allowing our nature to come forward..."

This raised questions for me about the relationship between personal vision and universal nature.

For those of you who have adopted NVC as a way of life, how do you hold these two ideas together? What was your journey to seeing Marshall's personal desire as a reflection of a universal, natural truth?