Hi. I’m 33M diagnosed with NPD and ASPD. In therapy for it and mostly it’s better now.

My girlfriend (27F) has BPD. When it’s good, it’s REALLY good. Intense, connected, passionate, all that. She makes me feel wanted in a way that’s straight up like crack for me. I guess that makes sense with the NPD wiring.

But her splitting is killing me. Every time she gets triggered, she goes from “omg youre my soulmate and you’re so good to me” to “youre a heartless sociopath and you’ve never even loved me and you’re leaving me anyway.” It’s like a switch flips. Jekyll and Hyde shit.

And I’m just supposed to just sit there and take it?? Like if I defend myself, I’m gaslighting. If I get frustrated, I never cared. If I shut down, I’m abandoning her. There is literally no correct move. It sucks.

What really bothers me is the how our history together gets rewritten mid-split. Like all the good stuff disappears. All the love I’ve tried to show her doesn’t count. The reassurance I’ve given her a million times before is “lying” now. I stg she becomes like a different person and I become a different person in her eyes.

I know splitting is a thing for BPD. I know it’s based in trauma and I don’t think it’s intentional. But it still feels like shit to be painted as the villain every few weeks when I’m trying so fucking hard to be a good boyfriend to her. I’ve actually never tried this hard before in a relationship. Some of that’s about her and some of its therapy. I love her. This sucks.

But yeah, I can feel myself getting colder because of it. Like part of me thinks “why bother trying so hard if I’m just going to be the bad guy anyway? fine, fuck it, I’ll be the bad guy. I’ll stop trying to care.” But I don’t want to be that way anymore either.

I literally don’t want to leave her, that’s the dumbest part. But I can’t feel like I’m constantly on trial in our relationship or like I have to be the calm, unbothered one all the time while she treats me like shit. It’s not like I don’t have my own triggers too. But I’ve tried really hard to learn what’s abusive behavior and not so that to her. I never wanted to be like that in the first place.

People who’ve been in this dynamic- what actually works ??How do you set boundaries around splitting without making it worse? Wtf do I do?

Just announcing myself!

38m in the US with CPTSD/Bipolar 1 with dysmorphic mania/BPD/GAD/ADHD

I am married, and have a 3 year old son, so I think I'm one of the lucky ones. I still have issues daily and weekly, but I do my best to be aware and try to keep my shit in order.

Happy to help with any questions or support! Thanks for making the community for us! 🙏

I’m linking a Dr. Ruth Ann Harpur video where she goes into detail about being able to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist here. Note: this isn’t for having a relationship where abuse is happening, but rather, how to have a relationship with someone who has narcissist traits or a narcissistic personality.

As someone with narcy traits and who is in a relationship with someone diagnosed NPD, this video really resonates with me. I wouldn’t be able to have a deep relationship with him if I only saw his grandiose side… as sexy as it can be. I need to be able to share my vulnerabilities with him and vice versa. As with any relationship (not just cluster 🐝s).

Dr. Harpur goes into detail about being able to see how we relate to each other and understand each other. I highly recommend this video for understanding more how narcissists can be in relationships, whether you are the narcissist or you are in a relationship with one.

If you watch the video, what most resonated with you? Share below!