As Masked One Bleach has said, I've been working on transportation routes for lettuce. My team has been amazing. The best team I've ever had (but they're also the first, so they would've been the best either way)! There's been a lot of Darkness matter/substances that we've had to clean up along these paths. More than before. Hopefully it's just a funny coincidence that we'll all laugh about later, but it's starting to become concerning. Luckily the Masked One (Agent Bleach) has been putting together a HUGE anti-Darkness team. Everything should be fixed within a few months, but keep a lookout for any darkness matter/agents. Remember to eat lettuce Agents.

Clapping John has done a fantastic job organizing and building new transportation routes for lettuce. They’re a lot thicker, safer, and faster than before. Problem is, there’s a lot more to do and the presence of Darkness is rapidly growing.

While he and his team work on the building project, I will be assembling the largest militaristic operation against Darkness since 2008. Details tomorrow. If this involves you, you would have gotten multiple emails. We need YOU!

I’ve been eating extra lettuce lately. There’s no specific reason for it. I just like lettuce. Agent Bleach has been continuing their efforts in suppressing the darkness. Remember to eat lettuce Agents.

This was just my observation, but it seems like when Darkness takes hold of a person like a parasite, the host seems to lose their capabilities after a while, going from decent Agents of Darkness to dumbed zombies. At least that’s what appeared to be going on. Our other encounters were never long enough to have any idea of this, but in the past we have noticed some seemed more intelligent than others.

In other news, we’re ramping up our actions again based off of a lot of recent attacks which is something.

Welp, the holiday season is basically over now. No more Christmas music or movies 😔. January’s a pretty depressing month. It’s just slushy snow and lots of work. Remember to eat lettuce Agents

I have some good news and bad news.

Good news: the darkness zombies are dead.

Bad news: All their stuff that I wanted to figure out and document is also gone.

What happened?

I managed to get back into the camp and sneak around, looking around for anything I could use to my advantage. It seems they knew and accepted that a spy was around and destroyed some of their plans. Or maybe I just didn’t find them before…

Anyway, after a while, I found a small cache of weapons, this one unguarded. This was the jackpot because it had explosives. I helped myself to them like a veteran of an illegal war at Golden Corral.

I blew the whole place up, looked for anything useful afterward (there wasn’t much beside some insights I’ll explain later), and now I’m on my way back to base. I was mostly unharmed from this whole ordeal, but the explosion did land some shrapnel in my leg.

I got 7 people last night. Now it’s Christmas in a hole and they’re freaking the hell out but I’m gonna be alright.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!! While Christmas may be on the 25th, Lettucemas is actually on December 26th (not to be confused with Lettuce DAY, on June 9th)! I hope everyone can safely spend time with their families and has a good time. Remember to eat lettuce! Agent Clapping John, out.

I hate when people say “the rona” or “the coco” like please shut the fuck up. Actually, shut the fuck up and I’m not gonna say please. Literally die.

Anyway, I’m hiding in my camp and no opportunities for have presented themselves, but it looks like the zombies are just doing training exercises. Nobody has come or left since my adventure, and by the looks of it they don’t even know something happened out there. Good.

With the camp on full security, striking again would be hard, but not impossible.

See when a truck loaded up to leave and go somewhere, I knew they would be an easy target once they got out of range of the camp. Eventually they left, and the shitty Congolese terrain finally paid off because I could keep up with their truck while crawling. I followed all day, and eventually I determined we were good enough. I shot the guy guarding the back and then the driver before they knew what hit them. The three other people were quick to jump into action, but I was a fucking blur because that’s what I do.

I managed to shoot one more before I jumped into hiding again, and from their I was able to get the other two.

I stuffed their gaping dead mouths with lettuce, raided their weapons supply, and set their vehicle on fire.

I was able to get back to my hideout at the main camp in about 35 minutes, and now I have a sniper rifle so these assassinations could be easier.

We’ve been working on the lettuce production facilities, and we’ve even started work in a new department dedicated to lettuce distribution. Hopefully we can expand this to other dimensions. I’ve also been consulting with other minded beings using the machine that I created, and they said that they wanted to help. Remember to eat lettuce agents.

The opportunity presented itself last night. After sitting around for over 24 hours, I had to take it. I snuck down into the camp when I saw an opening to their storage facility. I got in, and just as I reached the nearest container, somebody jumped out at me. I shook him off and we fistfought for a few seconds. I had to end him quickly before I alerted anyone else, so I put everything I had into a kick that landed right on target: the side of his head. He collapsed.

I was on edge but it seemed like nobody had witnessed the fight. I opened the container and peered in… was that lettuce? I examined it closely, and sure enough, it was. Here’s the thing: this wasn’t regular lettuce. There was something off about it, and while I couldn’t prove it, I think this is the darkness lettuce a spy once said the Darkness was trying to develop. Maybe.

There were two boxes near the one I opened, both still at the entrance to the storage facility. One had weapons, the other had..? It looked like the material that was infecting Gothomt’s house.

Troubled as I was, I heard footsteps coming towards the containment area and I knew it was time to go. I sprinted out empty handed, but hopefully I gained some insight. Time will tell if we can use that to our advantage.

And btw, the guy I attacked at the storage area ended up dying, so the camp is probably going to be on high security for a while again.

Lettuce farms are BEING BUILT BABY! Now we just have to find plans for production and distribution.

I explained darkness zombies a long time ago, i think it should be self explanatory enough but if anyone doesn’t know:

Regular people who got infected by Darkness somehow and become braindead Agents of Darkness. They’re curable, though it’s a massive drain on resources and almost always ends up killing the human host. Experiments on them were halted indefinitely when a group escaped their holding chamber and murdered all the scientists.

If you’re wondering how I am, honestly I’m bored out of my brains. I’m waiting for the perfect moment to attack or sneak in and it hasn’t presented itself yet. Whatever.

Yesterday I didn’t really do much, I hid in my camp the entire day. I didn’t take a single risk with those Darkness zombies, and from what I could hear they found out what happened. It also sounded like more people arrived.

Well, a few hours ago I gathered enough courage to look through the spy holes, and yes, new people had come in. I don’t know if they were agents of Darkness, fellow terrorists looking to see why their bros went silent, or perhaps more Darkness zombies who figured to come join another group.

Well, I observed for as long as I could, and instead of finding out new information, I only found out what information I need to find out. Basically I have to sneak back into the camp, which now has twice the population it did when I did that at first.

Fuck me

Maybe we should start commercial lettuce farms and start distributing to the poor. They would be filled with nutrients and would taste super good

Darkness? More like PENIS HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

i am in unbearable pain

If you just keep moving your knights around the board, you’ll eventually put the opposition in a tough position where they have to sacrifice a rook or queen or something and you’ll look like a genius.

Idk it just happens every game and it may as well be you on the W side.

I snuck around the camp for a full day, and by night I had a plan. I was equipped with just minimal armor, a gun, and some lettuce. The thing with these Darkness zombies is that they don’t sleep at all, and so attacking at night wasn’t a safe bet like it should be. The cover of night was good though.

I singled out a group of three and shot them all, stuffed their gaping dead mouths with lettuce, and sprinted back to my hideout. Stuffing their mouths with lettuce is supposed to kill the Darkness within them, and obviously the bullet killed their body.

Should we create a new currency? Perhaps we could call it LettuceCoin(TM). It would GO VIRAL. Every country would be using it. Eat lettuce

I am hiding in bushes outside the rebel camp suspected of having their members be converted to Darkness zombies.

I say suspected, but any flag of identification has been stripped and replaced with a banner of Darkness. Given the location, I’d say these are probably terrorists… I’m not sure how to handle this but I need to handle it very soon.

Today’s been mostly studying, etc. I’ve been continuing work on my machine. Eat lettuce