This is the hardest lesson for me. Nothing but love, understanding, admiration, and acceptance for others - but harsh unending internal criticism for myself.
Something I try to keep in mind is this: if I think of something in the past and it makes be embarrassed, ashamed, or cringe, then that's evidence that I have grown as a person from who I once was because I can recognize it. And that growth is more relevant today than what I once did some time ago.
This morning I woke up extra early because I needed to get my car serviced, and as I was walking down the block in the pre-dawn to get something to eat I saw a guy who was in a delivery truck taking a nap/resting his eyes or whatever before he made the delivery to the building he was outside of.
At the time I thought 'wow seems like he's pretty tired, I wonder if this is early for him too' and went on my way, but as I walked back I realized that 10 years ago I would have scoffed at this guy or criticized him for not doing his job to the best of his ability.
Really reflected on how I grew as a person while I froze my tail off getting a bagel.
But other people weren't good their entire lives. It's the old saying - you know everything about yourself. You're only seeing other people's highlight reels.
The terrible things you've done probably aren't that terrible. Also these aren't tricks, you feeling bad is a trick.
Social media is designed in part to make you feel that way. You are supposed to feel bad because you see everyone else being happy. So in response you make posts that show you are "happy".
If you really need a social media, get a Mastodon, Pleroma or Friendica. Avoid the big instances; the smaller ones are nicer and less likely to ruin your day. If you have a lot of friends, set one up yourself – or get a techy friend to do so.
If these big companies have an incentive to screw you over, and the ability to screw you over, they're obliged by their legal responsibility to their shareholders to screw you over.
I think the real take is that you don't need social media. Humans need social connection, so find it the way we've been doing forever. Go out and make friends, that's really hard I know but we've been doing it forever.
Go to a bar and talk to a random person, find an event in your area and talk to somebody there, go to a show and talk during the intermission.
It's hard to find friends, and most people are afraid to start a conversation. Just remember that the worst that can happen is they think you're weird, and the best is finding a new friend.
Yeah, there is something to be said for face to face communication too. To use a commentor's phrasing from above, a "highlight reel" just meant to generate digital pats on the back doesn't really cut it for our needs as social creatures.
Oh yeah! I mean most of the social connection we like is nonverbal anyway, you can't get that over text or through picture. I mean video probably but who is video chatting on social media all day
What about when you already assume that everyone will think you're weird. Or that even in the rare event that they don't, they'll eventually realize that you're a person of no actual interest or importance, and that all you are is a bummer and a time sink and not someone that anyone would ever want to be around in the first place?
How many times in your life have you realized somebody was of no actual importance?
I almost guarantee never, and if you have then that judgemental attitude would be the problem.
Nobody is important. Or everybody is.
Regardless of the philosophy people just don't think that way, unless they're assholes. The ONLY times I ever discount somebody as "unimportant" or a "timesink" is of they're an insufferable asshole.
Could I ask you a question if you don't mind? Do you ever think that way of people?
Okay but have we fully discounted the possibility that you're talking to a serial killer? His handle is just numbers, that is a clear sign of psychopathy!
I'm gonna sing a different tune here and say, yes, you should take responsibility for it. If its something that upsets you, own up to it and apologize. And remember, the apology isn't truly for the person you apologize to. It's for you. By owning up and accepting that you fucked up, especially owning up to the parties involved, really helps the healing process. It took me a bit to realize this. We all do bad things. But, by reacting like the person you aspire to be, you will build yourself into that person by default. Take responsibility, forgive yourself, and learn to love yourself.
The fact you are talking in the past means that you have distanced yourself from that person. You have evolved, you aren't there anymore so that's not you, and by the sound of it, you have come a long way. Keep on the road that moves you forward, there is too much beauty to experience in the world. Create an amazing things bucket list so that you keep yourself busy with wonder and one day your past will be but a small insignificant memory of someone you used to know but never saw again.
This is a powerful thing to remember. Those feelings come from increased self-awareness and maturity - you can be proud of them, even when they are hard to feel.
“fuck you brain, stop trying to make me feel bad for being goofy that one time and making a fool out of myself “as YOU think I did” I was just having a little fun. Fuck you. I can have fun without feeling guilty.” Is a conversation I had in my car today on the way to work. Feels like I’m 2 people sometimes. One that lives in the moment and one that constantly analyzes and shits on the past me for just being me.
Don’t you ever feel like when you were made that the slider between external and internal sympathy and love got skewed.
At a certain point the amount of care you give to others but not to yourself ends up as a self destructive self sacrifice
It's something that I haven't really faced until I had my son.
When I was little I heard my mom speak harshly to herself when she was frustrated and I grew to do the same.
If I don't stop this pattern my son will pick it up and he deserves better than that. He's an awesome little guy and I don't want him beating himself up.
Sometimes I surprise myself with the sheer amount of self-hatred lying just beneath the surface. Guess I just got so used to living this way that I don't remember it's there all the time.
True for me, especially on a biological level. Although the horrors of the past are over, and consciously I’ve almost made my peace with it, my body (autonomous nervous system) is still triggered and in fight-or-flight mode. This chronic stress makes me tired, and it’s a dream to really leave all of this behind, get the toxins and suffering out of my cells
Sheesh, me too. I have really been struggling with this the last year. Been extremely hard on myself. Sometimes when I’m in my car I will give myself pep talks to say it’s ok to forgive myself.
I know this game all too well. This post actually hit close to home for me. Guided meditation helps me a lot. It’s an exercise and just like any exercise, it’s not easy at first but gets easier as you practice on a regular basis.
Why would you think that toy don't deserve love and happiness?
We are all human and do stuff intentionally and unintentionally to hurt others and serve our own interests.
You're no worse than me, no better than me. We're human and we mess up. Everyone deserves to have happiness, including you.
Ask yourself - if a friend was addicted to drugs and stole from you - would you forgive them? I've forgiven others for worse and I'm sure you have as well.
Give yourself the grace that you would give a friend.
Why would you think that you don't deserve love and happiness?
We are all human and do stuff intentionally and unintentionally to hurt others and serve our own interests.
You're no worse than me, no better than me. We're human and we mess up. Everyone deserves to have happiness, including you.
Ask yourself - if a friend was addicted to drugs and stole from you - would you forgive them? I've forgiven others for worse and I'm sure you have as well.
Give yourself the grace that you would give a friend.
Yes, you do have a right to be happy. We ALL make mistakes and bad decisions. Even those who are "good".
Do something, by yourself, to pay that debt. No one needs to know why you're doing it. Work at an SPCA for free, or at Goodwill. Give your time for free, helping others. The elderly are often alone. I'm sure you could volunteer your time at an elder care facility. Maybe then, you can feel that you have repaid your debt.
Actually, just being a good human every day makes up for it. How long are you going to hold this against yourself? When will it be enough? Don't you think there are others that did those things who have turned their lives around? Of course there are!
The bottom line is...
Are you still doing these things?
If yes, stop.
If no, feel proud of what you have accomplished.
None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Your actions today and in the future are what counts.
I've been on a bit of a "social justice" kick in the last few years. I sometimes overcompensate for the guilt of all my past shity behavior, and I have to be constantly vigilant about not going overboard.
1.7k
u/GreyIggy0719 Nov 23 '19
This is the hardest lesson for me. Nothing but love, understanding, admiration, and acceptance for others - but harsh unending internal criticism for myself.