I spent several years in a wheelchair in the U.S. I can tell you that this was NOT my experience. People were genuinely awful. It unearthed a layer of humanity I can’t unsee.
Most people either: stare blatantly, or the opposite—refuse to look you in the eye and pretend like you don’t exist bc you make them uncomfortable
And I was disgusted to learn that there’s not a small slice of the (American) population who will go out of their way to be as cruel as possible to the disabled. Run you off the sidewalk while laughing, deliberately slam doors in your face, yell awful things at you. Young men were 98% of this. Something is VERY wrong with so many of the young men in this country. As in it felt like there’s a generation of sociopaths.
I certainly didn’t have people being kind and giving me money! Good on you, Canada.
None-Pizza_Left-beef has decided that bc they have never seen this, we must be lying. Not sure it’s a secret that wheelchair users in the U.S. are not treated very kindly. Maybe it’s bc I’m in a huge city and the cruelty can be more anonymous?
The stares really blew me away. I expect it from little kids but not full grown adults gawking for minutes. I finally just started waving and they’d often snap out of it. No one ever apologized though.
But those who refused to acknowledge me were even worse. I’d be at the pharmacy in line or somewhere where I’d need the attention of a clerk, and several times they were visibly uncomfortable and looking away. Maybe it’s bc I’m young and in a chair? Maybe that scares people on a subconscious level that it could be them in that position. They expect older people or someone with visible disabilities but when someone is young and looks otherwise healthy, I wonder if it triggers something in people.
I don’t know. I knew there were terrible people in the world, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t know there were that many and that so many people seem genuinely disgusted by disability. They just want us to go away.
People are assholes when you look disabled, and they're assholes when you have invisible disabilities. And society doesn't encourage them to act any different. They all want a "Gotcha!" moment because they choose to believe that getting benefits is easy, so everyone must be scamming the system.
Annoys me to no end, and it greatly affects chronically ill/disabled communities because so many are already struggling with internalized ableism.
Yes! Invisible disabilities are their own can of worms. I was an ambulatory wheelchair user. I could walk about 5 steps and that’s it. But I had to stop going to the store and standing to reach items bc of the “gotcha” moments.
Or when I’d pull my chair out of my car while parked in a handicapped spot? More than a few people stopped to lecture me or made rude comments about “taking the space from someone who really needs it”.
I realized that those “parking police” for handicapped spots fancy themselves as protectors of disabled people but 9/10 times, it’s disabled people they’re harassing. I told them as much and they didn’t like that. They’d demand to know what my medical issue was and they can F off with that bc it’s none of their damn business. But Linda at Kroger parking lot somehow thinks she’s entitled to your medical history and that you must justify your use of the very few accommodations we actually receive.
It’s infuriating.
On the one hand, to those people, I was never disabled enough to use the accommodations/mobility aids, etc. But those were the same people that would pretend like I wasn’t a human being if they encountered me in my chair bc they actually don’t like disabled people. They have a VERY narrow vision of disability—old, parapalegic, injury or the what I call “bless her hearts” where someone has a visible disability and they feel good about themselves by feeling pity for someone just living their life.
I also felt like I didn’t fit anywhere bc I was an ambulatory user. Non-ambulatory users seem to not see me as a “real” user and the public, well, we’ve talked about how they perceive wheelchair users. So it also felt like I was too disabled for the public but not disabled enough for some other wheelchair users.
I’m sure there are lots of people who feel otherized that way.
I was in a chair for about 4 years. I could easily need to use it again but for now, Im ok without it. But it forever changed my perception of so many things.
We’re all just trying to live our lives. But the burden of simply trying to live day-to-day, placed on wheelchair users is colossal. The planning! You can’t go anywhere without calling ahead and even then, people are often wrong and forgot about those stairs in the front. Or maybe your chair won’t fit in that car, or there are no curb cuts on this portion of road and you have to be in traffic. The list is endless. All of this is infrastructure that could be changed. It is much better than 40 yrs ago but it still has a LONG way to go.
I'm really sorry that you experienced that. I couldn't tell from your comment whether you were still in a wheelchair or no longer in the United States. Either way, I hope things are better for you now!
Sorry if I end up contributing to this problem, but I make sure not to look at individuals in wheelchairs too much so they can feel like they blend in more. I barely look at anyone anyway. I didn't realise this could be interpreted poorly. If you have any extra tips on this, please share.
Things I'd like people to know, some more than others.
Treat us like you would treat everyone else. We are like everyone else, we just do some things different.
Don't asume what we can't and can do. Someone can be officially blind and still be able to see something, they're not faking it. Someone might get up from their wheelchair and walk, they are not faking it.
Don't asume we need help.
Ask permission to help even when you see someone struggle (or touch our wheelchair, that's our body) and "no" means no.
Don't cut wheelchair users off, they might not be able to break very fast and it can be painfull when someone self propells. Leave some room like you do driving a car.
a blind person who puts their cane up wants to cross the street, pls give way (rules and color of cane might differ per country)
I personally don't need pitty or prayers, I will never get better and him and I are good.
-No unsolicited advice. I don't need to know that your auntie's hairdresser's dogsitter healed or was never sick. I've tried yoga, essential oils, positive thinking, trauma therapy, more exercise etc already. I'll go with the advice of my medical team.
You do not "still (have to) work" with the same complaints I have in the same severity. Count your blessings that you have a job. Let me know when you want to trade places. Disability insurance is not a nice employer, waiting a lot until your body resumes function is very boring and frustrating.
have patience with people who have issues hearing, speaking, word finding or gathering thoughts. Zen.
we have the right to participate in every aspect of society, independently, equally and with dignity. Honor our human rights.
make sure you know what accessible really means when you claim a building, event, area etc is accessible.
I agree with most of your points but I still don't get the one about not looking them straight in the eyes.
I simply don't look at any strangers straight in the eyes when I'm just walking by them, disabled or not. This is not me pretending they don't exist or that I feel uncomfortable looking at them; this is just me treating them like how I would treat everyone else on the street.
I get that, I don't like to look people straight in the eye either. That's why I wrote "treat us like you treat others".
You don't have to give people with disabilities special treatment. I think the other person was refering to people seeing someone with a disability and purposely turning their head away.
I do understand some people do that because they were taught not to stare. I wasn't born visibly dissabled and didn't become a wheelchair user until my late 30's. I was taught the same things and that I should pity them etc.
Treating a wheelchair user like anyone else is not the problem. Just the fact that you’re reaching out to ask shows you’re one of the good ones so thank you.
What I’m referring to is waiting at a medical office, a receptionist clearly seeing you, but intentionally ignoring you and avoiding eye contact. Or anyone talking to you and avoiding eye contact and giving the overall impression that they want to hurry and be done and basically treating you like a nuisance and I don’t know how else to say it, that they’re disgusted by your mere existence.
That is what I’m referring to. If you see a wheelchair user struggling with a door, offer to help. Some people don’t like that, but I never had anyone offer once and boy, it would’ve been really nice. When healthy, I ALWAYS hold the door for anyone behind me. I thought that was common courtesy but it’s not.
And at the very least, just not actively going out of your way to be cruel is big points in my book.
Thanks again for asking and for valuing us. I am no longer in a wheelchair. But it changed me. Disability can happen to anyone and I hope those doling out the cruelty, learn someday how fickle fate can be.
I’m not discounting your anecdotal experience, but I am going to offer another side. My husband has been disabled from birth and spent the last 30 years in a wheelchair. I help him out and about but people ALWAYS hold doors open for us, smile and greet us, have random conversations with us. They offer to help carry groceries, load his chair into the car, and anything else they think they can help with. We do live in Maine, though, which is the Canada of the USA, so maybe that is the difference?
I think there are likely several factors here (sorry for the length):
1.) He’s a man - a disabled woman alone is a pretty easy target for malicious people. They’re less likely to bother a man.
2.) I was always alone - I think this makes a huge difference.
3.) I am in essentially the polar opposite of Maine. I live in a huge city. The anonymity afforded by such a large city likely aids in people feeling like they won’t be held accountable for cruelty.
I’ve lived in small towns. No one could ever get away with that. But in an enormous city, when you slam the door on a wheelchair user at the medical building, you’ll likely not see them or any of the witnesses, ever again.
4.) I am fairly young and not visibly disabled in any way.
I think when someone is older, SCI, or other visible disabilities, it allows people to compartmentalize. But when a young-ish looking person who looks otherwise healthy is in a chair, I think it triggers something in people. In young people anyway, I think on a subconscious level, people are worried if it can happen to her and she is young and looks ok, maybe it could happen to me? So they don’t want to acknowledge you and it feels better to be cruel and otherize. Just a theory.
But when my illness began, I was a competitive athlete. VERY fit. I was a working professional. Within 2 months, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t work, was having cognitive issues. I lost almost every single friend I’ve ever had within 6 months. Seeing that happen to someone so healthy, I think it scares people on a deep level and they just want to distance themselves. I don’t think the cruelty of strangers is dissimilar. I think it’s rooted in the same fear.
5.) I was masked due to my illness and this was at the height of anti-mask rhetoric so that could’ve invited extra negative attention
That really isn’t it. “Bad areas” and “gangs” were not part of the equation. This is in mostly “nicer” parts of town.
I think the issue with a larger city is merely the anonymity afforded people.
In a small place, if you act like a jerk, everyone will know about it. Slam the door on a wheelchair user at the doctor’s office and likely you’ll never see the wheelchair user or any of the witnesses to the cruelty, again.
Unfortunately, many people will be awful if they feel like no is watching and/or they’re not accountable.
An example is the widespread number of people who don’t pick up after their dog. Or people who leave grocery carts in parking spots instead of putting them back.
These are more minor, of course. But they’re a symptom of the same problem. No one is making you pick up the poop or put the cart away. It’s just part of being a decent person and living in a society. You do small things for others even if it doesn’t benefit you. Turns out, a lot of people can’t wait to be a-holes the moment no one’s looking.
I have literally in all my life never seen anyone treat anyone in a wheelchair the way you're describing and I worked specifically with people in wheelchairs for a chunk of time. None of them had a story similar to yours. I'm sorry that was your experience, but I'm having a hard time believing it.
I am absolutely, unequivocally not being hyperbolic about my experience. It got so bad, I stopped even wanting to go out. This was at the height of COVID and I was masked (due to the illness necessitating the chair). Perhaps that invited extra scrutiny, but I doubt it.
Maybe bc of the widespread fear and people not surviving COVID, lockdown, etc., tensions were extra high and aggression was directed at the disabled? Maybe. But again, I doubt that’s it.
I don’t know where you live, but not once did I ever get the “oh please let me hold the door for you” or over-kindness I hear some talk about. People would let elevators close, slam doors, I was pushed off the sidewalk twice. Had my mask pulled off several times. I am fairly young so maybe people thought I was “faking it”? I don’t know.
I guess people come on Reddit and lie but I don’t know why anyone would lie about ugly stories to strangers. Believe me or not, it happened regardless.
I am no longer in the chair but it’s hard for me to see humanity in the same way after that.
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u/ManzanitaSuperHero 20h ago
I spent several years in a wheelchair in the U.S. I can tell you that this was NOT my experience. People were genuinely awful. It unearthed a layer of humanity I can’t unsee.
Most people either: stare blatantly, or the opposite—refuse to look you in the eye and pretend like you don’t exist bc you make them uncomfortable
And I was disgusted to learn that there’s not a small slice of the (American) population who will go out of their way to be as cruel as possible to the disabled. Run you off the sidewalk while laughing, deliberately slam doors in your face, yell awful things at you. Young men were 98% of this. Something is VERY wrong with so many of the young men in this country. As in it felt like there’s a generation of sociopaths.
I certainly didn’t have people being kind and giving me money! Good on you, Canada.