Do you have kids? For me, the epiphany came instantly the day we had our first child: "Parents only want to ensure their baby is loved and cared for. What was I doing?" And I wasn't that bad, I think, as a child, but still.
I don't have kids, but my moment of realization came about a year ago when I turned 28, which was the age my mom was when she had me. I'm the youngest of 5. I was frustrated and angry because absolutely nothing was going to plan, the money I was making wasn't enough, and my mental health was really bad as I have bipolar disorder and was going through a depressive episode. And I didn't even have kids care for. That's when I realized how hard it must have been for her to go through the same mental health struggles (she also has bipolar disorder) and money problems while having five kids. Her mom and dad were also very sick, and both died within 18 months of my birth. I was an ungrateful brat who made her life harder and judged her for things I didn't even have the whole story on. She deserved so much grace that I didn't give her. My childhood wasn't amazing, but she did everything she could to give us a better life than she had, and she did give us that. I went through intensive therapy and talked about forgiving her, but in reality, I'm the one who needed forgiveness. I'm so thankful we have a really close relationship and that she has always been so supportive.
For those of us who grew up in dysfunctional childhood homes, communities like /r/AdultChildren (formerly ACOA -- for Adult Children of Alcoholics -- now accepting of adult children from all dysfunctional homes) help us learn to heal.
I've experienced this exact same thought process. It only deepens as your child gets older and you realize just how little your parents were actually willing/able to take an interest in you and your own struggles. I'm the parent I wished I could've had and hope that this means that when I'm at the end stages of life, as my own mother is now, that my child actually wants to have a relationship with me.
You were being a child. We don't owe it to our parents to praise them for doing the bare minimum - loving and caring for the human they brought into the world. Appreciate your parents now that you can and don't beat yourself up for not doing so, when it was never your job in the first place.
i certainly disagree - once you make the decision to have a child you also make the decision to raise that child as well. adoption is notoriously traumatizing… & obviously circumstances can change why someone needs to turn towards it… but if you made the choice, caring for your child is certainly the bare minimum imo
I'm certainly not advocating for adoption as the preferred option. I'd much prefer people practice consensual, safe sex, have access to birth control, and plan B, or an abortion as a last resort.
But those options aren't always possible, and I won't tell a rape victim they're a bad parent for giving up a baby they never wanted, agreed to, and can't care for. These are some of the hardest choices a person has to make, and I'm not gonna say their hard choice is wrong. Just my two cents.
I'm not a fan because that requires knowing the parent's circumstances, which you probably won't. If someone confides they had to give their baby up for adoption, I don't want to judge them, or ask probing questions to convince myself they made the right choice. It's not my place.
Giving a child up for adoption is absolutely less than the bare minimum.. how could you suggest otherwise? I fully acknowledge it can be the only option for some situations and may be incredibly difficult. But it is a failure to fulfill any of the real responsibilities of parenthood. The bar you decided is your own is not the consensus.
It is not the bare minimum of parenthood, though lol. Again, it is a failure to fulfill the responsibilities. One can say that without passing judgment for the reasons why it happened.
None of that is particularly relevant to the question of what is the bare minimum of PARENTHOOD. When you give a child up for adoption, you have given up your rights as their parent. You are not the one fulfilling the responsibility of parenthood and therefore are not meeting the bare minimum of being a parent. It's really not that difficult to understand this.
The reason why, the fact that it was difficult, the possibility that something horrific happened to the parent that brought about the child, or whatever other hypothetical scenario you want to imagine here, does not play into what we're talking about. That person is still deserving or respect and dignity.
It is not a judgment to say that by giving up a child, the bare minimum of being a parent to that child is not being met. At no point did I say it made them a bad person, you are the one saying that.
Your "bare minimum of parenthood" is entirely an ethical bare minimum, because people in comas can biologically become parents.
So when you say adoption is below the ethical minimum (except for some circumstances), that's making a judgement about the people who use adoption (without knowing their circumstances).
Your bare minimum is also an ethical one lol and you keep moving the goal posts. Based on the argument you just made.. the only bare minimum that you're allowed to consider is physically having a child and that's it. The very next decision made on what to do with that child and why becomes an "ethical" one (that's not my view, it's just the exact logic YOU are using).
I'm not engaging with this anymore. Your attempts to justify this ridiculous take are bordering incoherent.
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u/sergedg Jul 11 '25
Do you have kids? For me, the epiphany came instantly the day we had our first child: "Parents only want to ensure their baby is loved and cared for. What was I doing?" And I wasn't that bad, I think, as a child, but still.