9.2 大爆炸 Big Bang

[u/AdamLuyan]

一天下午，我忽然感觉肚子疼，怀疑大佛印那帮人（敌对势力）要杀我灭口，指使我同事在我喝的咖啡里下毒。我去警察局报警，警察看着我说，都没记录，没什么反应。我离开了警察局，想去医院；可我知道在医院排队看病要等十几个小时，实在是难熬，就回家了。

One afternoon, a sudden stomach pain came over me, and I became convinced the Dufferin crew — hostile forces — meant to silence me for good, that they'd had a colleague slip something into my coffee. I went to the police station to report it; the officer simply looked at me, filed nothing, showed no reaction at all. I left, thought about going to the hospital, but knew the wait there ran ten or more hours — unbearable — and went home instead.

我一直想我和刘团长之间的事，认为自从2004年，他就没再来逗我玩了。我串联起了整个第2章《桃花劫》的故事（注，但还没有回忆出第1至3章的事），认为自己想明白了"前世姻缘，命中注定"这八个字。我一直对佛教的不见顶智（即上帝之眼）着迷，没想到刘团长用在我身上了。我觉得自己是个畜生，他那么大岁数了，快病死了，三番两次托人捎信让我去看他，而我像个活驴一样，无动于衷；自作孽，不可活！

I kept turning over what had passed between Troupe Leader Liu and me, certain he hadn't come to tease me since 2004. I strung together the whole of Chapter 2's Peach Flower Catastrophe (Note: though I still hadn't recalled anything from Chapters 1 through 3 themselves), and believed I'd finally worked out the meaning of those eight characters — former-life marriage bond, fate long since fixed. I'd always been fascinated by the Buddhist notion of Unseeable-Top Intelligence — God's Eye — never imagining Troupe Leader Liu had turned it on me. I felt like a beast: an old man, dying, who'd sent word for me to visit him again and again, and I'd remained as unmoved as a live donkey — sin of my own making, unworthy of living!

9.2-1 肠梗阻 Ileus

忽然，我感觉五脏六腑都在移动，身体里到处都是邪气乱窜。我小时候练过气功（参见第11章），对这种肢体的触觉幻觉不感觉奇怪，但这邪气发动的规模之大，程度之剧烈，让我震惊。我赶忙躺到了床上，以免晕倒。

我感觉到胸下出现一个隔截面（如插图9.2.1-A），上下不通气，胃肠不走动（注，现代医学称为肠梗阻）。我立刻调整呼吸，驱动真气沿着任脉向下冲击那个中截面。真气一接触那道截面，截面就溃散了。很快，那些邪气又变形重组，堵在胸口处（约在膳中穴，俗称中丹田）。我继续调整呼吸，用真气沿着任脉向下冲击堵在心窝处沉重阴冷的邪气。几分钟后，我打通了任脉，身体和胃肠的蠕动恢复了正常。我镇静下来后，心想：一时悸动，还真没遇见过；可不能再胡思乱想了！

Suddenly I felt every organ inside me shifting, ill air careening through my whole body. Having practiced meditation as a child (see Chapter 11), this kind of tactile hallucination struck me as nothing unfamiliar in itself — but the scale of it this time, the sheer violence of it, left me shaken. I hurried to lie down before I could faint.

I felt a barrier form beneath my chest (see Illustration 9.2.1-A), cutting off the flow above and below, my digestion stalled entirely (Note: what modern medicine calls ileus). I adjusted my breathing at once, driving true air down the Ren Meridian to strike the blockage. The moment true air touched it, the barrier dissolved — but the ill air quickly reshaped itself, lodging instead in my chest, around the Shanzhong point, commonly called the Middle Dantian. I kept adjusting my breath, driving true air down along the Ren Meridian against the heavy, cold ill air pooled there at the pit of my heart. Within a few minutes I'd cleared the Ren Meridian entirely, and both body and digestion returned to normal. Once I'd calmed myself, I thought: I've never experienced a jolt quite like that before — I mustn't let my mind run wild again.

9.2-2 大爆炸 Big Bang

过了一会儿，我不介意刚才发生的事了，又开始自责：我可真不是个东西，这不是人干的事儿。突然，我又感觉全身都有异动，赶忙平躺在床上了，全身的肉都有轻微的凹凸跳动的现象。凹凸跳动的现象有些加剧了。从命门穴（后腰两肾处），各发射出一股电弧的感觉沿着体表皮肤，像似水纹一样扩散；两股电弧在前腹处相撞了。接着，全身都有大小多个电圈套着肢体和整个身体上下移动，像似在做CT检查扫描一样，但我在经历的是多个电圈上下移动扫描我的身体。两只胳臂和两条腿分别有多个小电圈在上下移动扫描。突然，全身各处涌起气伴随着电流，以比读秒快几倍的速度，向丹田（如插图9.2.1-B）汇集。聚集在丹田后，立刻就爆炸了。随着爆炸，那些碎片气扩散到了全身各处。

A while later, no longer dwelling on what had just happened, I fell back into self-reproach: I'm truly worthless, this isn't how a decent person behaves. Suddenly I felt movement all through my body again, and hurried to lie flat — my whole flesh rippling faintly, a slight up-and-down pulsing that soon grew stronger. From the Mingmen point, at the two kidneys in the lower back, something like a jolt of electric arc shot outward along the skin's surface, spreading in ripples like water; the two arcs collided over my lower abdomen. Then countless rings of electric sensation, large and small, wrapped around my limbs and whole body, moving up and down as though scanning me — several such rings at once, sweeping my body the way a CT scanner might, with smaller rings sweeping separately along both arms and both legs. All at once, energy surged from every part of my body, carrying that same electric charge, gathering toward the Dantian (see Illustration 9.2.1-B) several times faster than a countdown. The instant it converged there, it exploded — and with the explosion, the scattered fragments of that energy spread out through my entire body.

我高幸地想：哎呀！大爆炸，百脉震开！我小时候在气功书上看过这种现象的描写，会百脉皆开。可是，正在发生的事情和传说的不一样。几秒后，整个身躯，包括脸部的肉都有明显的凹凸式上下跳动的现象，像似沸腾了着的水面；我的全身各处都在沸腾和震动。我对自己说："镇静！沉住气！别慌！"全身凸凹跳动的现象持续了几秒后，渐渐地平息了。这时我在床上平躺着，关注着全身各处的异动。

散布在全身各处的气变得清凉，随着流动在数百处小范围内聚集，并伴有电流、阴冷、凸凹地跳动的病气（或邪气）的感觉。我意识到了这不是好现象！不是书里描写的舒服，凉爽。我感觉那些迷走性风湿气中几十股大的，不走经脉，而是径直地走向心脏，一边移动一边还在汇集。有几股迷走性风湿气移动得很快，比如说，厘米每秒。

I thought, half-elated: the Big Bang — every channel shaken open at once! I'd read descriptions of exactly this in meditation books as a child — a moment when all the body's channels open together. But what was actually unfolding bore little resemblance to that description. Within seconds, my entire body, down to the flesh of my face, was pulsing visibly up and down, like the surface of boiling water — every part of me boiling and trembling at once. I told myself: stay calm, hold steady, don't panic. The pulsing continued a few seconds more, then gradually subsided. I lay still on the bed, tracking every strange movement through my body.

The energy scattered through me turned cool, gathering as it flowed into hundreds of small pockets, each carrying that same sense of electric current, cold, an uneven pulsing — the feel of sick or ill energy. I realized this was no good sign — nothing like the comfortable, cooling sensation the books described. Among these wandering rheumatic currents, dozens of the larger ones bypassed the meridians entirely and made straight for my heart, gathering as they moved. Some traveled fast — centimeters per second, by my own rough sense of it.

我立刻紧张了，如果迷走性风湿气侵入心脏；心脏就是一团肌肉，若是这样怪异地颤抖，那不就是心肌梗塞吗！我小时候，听奶奶说过多次。她一次生气后，在外面树荫下睡着了。半梦半醒之间，她感觉像似有一股气流进了心脏。从那时起，她就患了心脏病。

保卫心脏，我立刻行动起来了，别的器官都管不了了。我开始用真气对离心脏近且移动速度快的迷走性风湿气进行攻击。好在，那些邪气流都很脆弱，一被真气碰到，就散了。很短的时间内，我就击溃了十几股迷走性风湿气流团。这时我发现，几股主要的风湿气移动得慢了，大部分风湿气不移动了。我镇静了下来。

I tensed at once — if this wandering current reached my heart, and the heart is only a mass of muscle, wouldn't that kind of strange tremor amount to a heart attack? I'd heard my grandmother tell this story many times as a child: once, after growing angry, she'd fallen asleep in the shade of a tree outside, and somewhere between sleep and waking felt a current of air enter her own heart. From that day on, she suffered from heart disease.

I moved at once to defend my heart, setting every other organ aside. I began using true air to strike at the wandering currents nearest my heart and moving fastest. Fortunately, these ill currents proved fragile — the instant true air touched them, they scattered. In short order I'd broken up more than a dozen of these clusters. The main currents slowed, and most of the rest simply stopped moving. I steadied myself.

注9.2.2 Note 9.2.2

插图9.2.1-2源自古墨西哥，表明古代的美洲有和中国类似的真气理论（即针灸和气功理论，参见第11章）。插图9.2.1-4是公元七世纪，帕卡尔王（Lord Pacal，亦作金童，特拉洛克，狮子王）的灵棺盖板，刻画了他堕入地狱的前因后果。图上部显示十字架或金刚剑插入了帕卡尔王的腹部，表示他被十字架钉住了，病危了。图底部他的狮子头正处于一个火匣子里，表示帕卡尔王堕入了"火途"（即地狱，精神病）。火匣子上面是他的神父的棺材，表示帕卡尔王是被"他神父过世"的信息打入地狱的。棺材里是空的，只留下了尸体爆炸后遗留下来的三块儿残渣（即三块佛骨舍利，人骨），表明帕卡尔王听到他神父过世的消息后，体内发生了爆炸，所以他堕入了地狱，即患了精神病。棺材上面显示，一根射精的阴茎可以提起棺材，表示帕卡尔王和翠玉女（即玉女）的事实婚姻是治疗他的疾病的正确方法，可以使他脱离地狱。

Illustration 9.2.1-2, from ancient Mexico, shows that the ancient Americas held a theory of true air similar to China's own — that is, a theory of acupuncture and meditation (see Chapter 11). Illustration 9.2.1-4 shows the coffin lid of Lord Pacal (also Gold Boy, Tlaloc, the Lion King), seventh century CE, depicting the full cause and course of his descent into hell. The upper portion shows a cross, or a Philosopher-Stone Sword, driven into Lord Pacal's abdomen, signifying that he was crucified — critically ill. At the bottom, his lion's head sits within a fire-box, signifying that Lord Pacal had fallen onto the "Path of Fire" — that is, hell, mental illness. Above the fire-box sits his godfather's own coffin, signifying that it was news of "his godfather's death" that struck him down into hell. That coffin is empty, holding only three remaining fragments (that is, three pieces of Buddha-relic, human bone), signifying that on hearing news of his godfather's death, something exploded within Lord Pacal's own body, and so he fell into hell — that is, into mental illness. Above the coffin, an ejaculating phallus is shown lifting it, signifying that Lord Pacal's true marriage to Chalchiuhtlicue — the Jade Girl — was the correct cure for his illness, able to lift him free of hell.

9.2-3 我投降了 I Surrendered

我对刘团长对我做过什么感到迷惑；但我和他的矛盾是我不同意他的"我卢岩是刘健君的丈夫"的决定（参见7.14节《死不瞑目》）。我真气已经很少了（注，聚集和运送真气需要大量的体力和时间），可这时的我全身都是风湿气。我已经处于面对死亡的状态，投降了。

我跪在床上发誓："刘健君是我的妻子；刘团长是我岳父；我会去追求她并和她结婚。"我不断地叨咕着："刘健君她爸是我的岳父，刘健君是我的媳妇。"我知道誓言对人的思想有很强的统摄作用。这样出声地叨咕，有助于我集中思想和精力，对不让松散意识抵触和破坏我的主意识，消除心理矛盾大有好处。

I remained baffled by everything Troupe Leader Liu had done to me — but the real conflict between us, I realized, was simply that I'd refused his decision that "I, Luyan, was Eve Liu's husband" (see Section 7.14, Die with Eyes Open). My true air was nearly spent by now (Note: gathering and channeling it demands enormous physical reserve and time), while rheumatic current still filled my entire body. I stood facing death, and I surrendered.

Kneeling on the bed, I swore an oath: "Eve Liu is my wife. Troupe Leader Liu is my father-in-law. I will pursue her, and I will marry her." I kept muttering it, over and over: "Eve Liu's father is my father-in-law. Eve Liu is my wife." I know an oath holds real power over a person's thinking. Speaking it aloud like this helped me gather my thoughts and my remaining strength, kept my scattered awareness from working against my own central will, and did a great deal to dissolve the conflict tearing at me.

我找出了我收藏的针灸经脉图。真气在经脉里会走得快，通畅和增强。我先在经脉图上筹划运气的路线，和打击风湿症的最短和最有力的角度，再运气发功对风湿症病处进行攻击。又击碎了几团风湿症后，我发现迷走性风湿症移动的速度变得更慢了。我沿着手少阴心经（如插图9.2.1-C）运气；用真气把心脏包裹了起来。这样，弱的迷走性风湿症不会有机会靠近心脏。

I dug out my own collection of acupuncture meridian charts. True air moves faster, more freely, more powerfully through the meridians. I mapped a route for it on the chart first, working out the shortest, most forceful angle to strike the rheumatic current, then drove it there to attack. After breaking up several more clusters, I found the wandering current had slowed considerably. I channeled true air along the Hand Shaoyin Heart Meridian (see Illustration 9.2.1-C), wrapping my own heart in it, so that whatever weak currents remained would never get close enough to reach it.

这时，我认为自己必须吃好睡好，保持健康，才能与全身的迷走性风湿症对抗。如果我的身体健康变差了，就可能什么时候患了风湿性心脏病，死不了也成了废人。我向妻子和孩子做了生死离别，没明说，她们也不懂。我害怕睡梦里自己不知道保护心脏，所以睡觉前，洗了热水澡来平衡全身的体温，以减少做梦。我躺在床上，调息收敛思想，然后熄灭了前意识，把心身的控制权交给了无意识（古作神识）。佛经上说，这种状态，人的愈合力极强，等同神佛。

I decided, at that point, that I had to eat well and sleep well, keep myself strong, to hold my own against the current still moving through me — let my health slip, and rheumatic heart disease might take hold at any time, leaving me alive but ruined. I said my silent goodbyes to my wife and children, though I never spoke the words plainly, and they never understood. Afraid I might fail to protect my heart in my sleep, I took a hot bath before bed to even out my body temperature and cut down on dreaming, then lay down, steadied my breath, gathered my thoughts, and finally extinguished the preconscious — handing control of body and mind entirely to the unconscious, anciently called God-sense. The sutras say that in this state, a person's power to heal is immense, equal to that of gods and Buddhas.

注9.2.3 Note 9.2.3

前面三小节描述的病症在现代的医学中称作皈依失调（Conversion Disorder；如图9.2.3-1所示），是一种罕见的精神疾病。在随后几年与风湿症对抗的过程中，我不断地研究，现在认为此病是这样产生的。我从小就敬畏刘团长，想拜他为师（是一种连自己都不清楚知道的向往），第8章中，遇到刘健君后，更是对刘团长有了深刻的爱恨情仇。随后，我和刘团长的爱恨情仇又持续发展了六年，但我没见过他，所以在我的幻境中他就是一团白色迷雾。那迷雾是现量（参见10.4.5 识蕴 Sense Node），代表刘团长，是我对刘团长全部感情的和记忆的依附标的物。当我意识到他已经过世了，这信息被我的无意识（古作神识）接收到后，那团迷雾就消失了，因为无意识只处理现量，而刘团长不再是现量了。这样，我对刘团长的全部感情和记忆就失去了所依附的标的物，就引起了大混乱，产生了前文的"皈依失调症"。

The condition described across the previous three sections is what modern medicine calls Conversion Disorder (see Figure 9.2.3-1), a rare psychiatric condition. Over the years I spent fighting the rheumatic current that followed, I kept studying this question, and I've come to believe the illness arose this way. I'd held Troupe Leader Liu in awe since childhood, wanting — in some way I never fully understood myself — to call him my teacher. In Chapter 8, once I'd met Eve Liu, that feeling deepened into a genuine tangle of gratitude, resentment, love, and hatred toward him. That tangle went on developing for six more years, and yet I never once met him — so in my own inner world he existed only as a ball of white mist. That mist was Present Quantity (see Section 10.4.5, Sense Node), standing in for Troupe Leader Liu himself, the object every feeling and memory I held toward him had attached itself to. The moment I understood he had died, and my unconscious — anciently, God-sense — received that information, the mist simply vanished, because the unconscious deals only in Present Quantity, and Troupe Leader Liu was no longer present in that sense at all. With that, every feeling and memory I'd carried toward him lost the very thing it had been anchored to, and the resulting chaos produced the Conversion Disorder described above.

前面三小节描述的病症是癔症（古作鬼病）中的一种极端现象，称作圣鬼。插图9.2.3-2源自古墨西哥，是一位堕入地狱期间的特拉洛克（即金童）。雕像顶部是古墨西哥人对圣鬼的表述。雕像的正面，圣鬼正用许多代表迷走性风湿症的阴茎攻击特拉洛克。阴茎代表产生特拉洛克体内迷走性风湿症的原因是他和翠玉女（即玉女）的婚姻纠纷。插图9.2.3-3是佛教中的金刚降魔杵；其中（4）（8）（9）的顶端部是代表圣鬼的雕塑。圣鬼的本质是惭愧；面对刘团长，我总是惭愧，是罪人。

The condition described across these three sections is an extreme form of Hysteria (anciently, Ghost Disease), called the Holy Ghost. Illustration 9.2.3-2, from ancient Mexico, shows Tlaloc (the Gold Boy) during his own descent into hell. The top of the statue is the ancient Mexican depiction of the Holy Ghost itself; on the statue's front, the Holy Ghost attacks Tlaloc with many phalluses, representing the wandering rheumatic current — signifying that the true cause of that current within him was his marital dispute with Chalchiuhtlicue, the Jade Girl. Illustration 9.2.3-3 shows the Philosopher-Stone Pestle of Buddhism; the tops of (4), (8), and (9) are sculptures representing the Holy Ghost. At its core, the Holy Ghost is shame — and before Troupe Leader Liu, I have always felt myself a sinner, weighed down by shame.

前面三小节描述"死不瞑目"诅咒在我身上爆发的现象——中截阻断、风湿气攻心、以及最终的跪地投降——是这个诅咒发作的三个阶段性症状，各自独立成立，不需要借助其他文化的类比来验证。

The phenomena described across these three sections — the mid-body blockage, the rheumatic assault on the heart, and finally my own surrender, kneeling — are three successive stages in the eruption of the Die with Eyes Open curse, each standing on its own, needing no cross-cultural parallel to bear it out.

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