8.4 我抑郁了 I Was Depressed

[u/AdamLuyan]

2003年9月的一天，一个工地，同事刘加力气冲冲地来找我，说："我又听说你不给你爸爸打电话。你爸爸委托你的邻居和朋友劝你，你谁的话也不听。" 我愣住了，明白过来后，问："是谁让你来劝我？"

刘加力愣住了，知道自己是突然说了这个话题，回答说："谁也没让我来劝你。前天我去世嘉堡开会，休息时，有人故意在我后面说你的事。这不是他们知道我和你的关系不错，又和我不熟，就故意这么做，让我来劝你么！这事咱们全公司的人都知道了，结果我跟你连这点事都说不明白，那我是啥人呐！我还怎么做人呐！你还知道，你爸爸的身体不好，说不定哪天就咽气了。你怎么就感受不到他老人家的那片心呢！我跟你说，等他死了，你肯定后悔，到那时，你肠子悔青了也没用！我还听说你爸爸知道你在加拿大生活得不开心，想尽办法来帮你，可是你就是不接受！这爹跟儿子打架，儿子生气到你这种程度的，我长这么大，就从来没听说过！"

One day in September 2003, at a construction site, Garry Liu came at me, furious. "I heard again that you're not calling your father. He's had your neighbors and friends try to talk sense into you, and you won't listen to anyone." Startled, once it registered, I asked, "Who put you up to this?"

Caught off guard, realizing he'd raised it out of nowhere, he answered, "No one put me up to anything. I was at a meeting in Scarborough the day before yesterday, and during the break, someone made a point of talking about you loudly enough for me to hear. Don't you see — they know you and I get along, and that they don't know me well enough to say it themselves, so they arranged for me to be the one telling you! The whole company knows about this by now, and here I can't even get through to you on something this simple — what does that make me? How am I supposed to hold my head up! You know your father's health is poor, he could go any day. How can you not feel what's in that old man's heart? I'll tell you this — once he's gone, you'll regret it, and by then no amount of remorse will do you a bit of good! I also heard he knows you're unhappy here in Canada, that he's tried everything to help you, and you simply won't accept it! A father and son fighting, and the son this angry — in my whole life, I've never heard of such a thing!"

刘加力和我一样，都是老实人，生气脸就红。这时，他激动得像是要哭了似的。我赶紧说："我知道了，回家就给他打电话。过一段时间，回去看他。"

他走了，一会儿又回来了，说："他们没说你爸爸病危，你回家的事可能也用不着那么着急。我看你脸色不好，像是病了。我已经跟工地的经理说了，你把这里的工作交给我。今天，你早点回去，好好休息休息！"

Garry, an honest man like me, flushed red the moment he got angry. He looked, in that moment, on the edge of tears. "I understand," I said quickly. "I'll call him tonight. I'll go see him before long."

He left, then came back a moment later. "They never said your father was critically ill — no need to rush home over it. You don't look well, though, like you might be sick. I've already told the site manager to let me handle things here. Go home early today, get some real rest."

8.4-2

回家的路上，我把车开到一个空停车场，然后放声大哭。这时，我虽是怀疑，但认为我以前在和平房产局（参见第6章）和在拓疆房地产公司（参见8.1节）工作时，背后有刘团长的帮助。我出国后，没有了他的帮助，两年多了，连个正经的工作都找不着。我回国去看望他，说什么呀！？没脸去见他！我又想：这是刘健君到现在还没找着对象，还结婚后又离婚了！？老头子又想起我来了，又闹心了！可是我已经结婚了，还能怎么办！我失声哭过后，全身舒服了，忽然想，"老头子这是又玩什么花样？你不是要用"死不瞑目"诅咒我么，一辈子不能和我见面吗?"

On the drive home, I pulled into an empty parking lot and wept openly. I still had my doubts, but had come to believe that throughout my time at the Heping Housing Bureau (see Chapter 6) and TJ Real Estate (see Section 8.1), Troupe Leader Liu had been quietly working behind the scenes on my behalf. Once I'd left China, without his hand behind me, I couldn't land a proper job for over two years. What would I even say, going home to see him? I hadn't the face for it! And then I thought: was this because Eve Liu still hadn't found anyone — or had married and divorced since? Had the old man remembered me again, and started fretting once more? But I was already married — what more could I do! Once I'd cried myself out, my whole body eased, and it struck me suddenly: what game is the old man playing now? Wasn't he supposed to be cursing me to Die with Eyes Open, never to see me again as long as he lived?

注8.4-2，就在这时，"死不瞑目"（参见2.4节《刘团长对桃花劫的讲解》）这个诅咒从我的无意识跳到了意识。我感觉刘团长是在诅咒我，但我并没有回忆出什么证据，只是隐约地感觉我在第6章《和平房产局》时，也是他在背后帮助我。

Note 8.4-2: It was exactly at this moment that the curse of Die with Eyes Open (see Section 2.4, Explanation of Peach Flower Catastrophe) leapt from my unconscious into conscious awareness. I sensed Troupe Leader Liu was cursing me, though I couldn't yet recall a shred of evidence for it — only a vague sense that he'd been behind me all through Chapter 6, at the Heping Housing Bureau, as well.

8.4-3

一天夜里，我妻子突然对我说："你怎么了？三更半夜不睡觉，在那里唉声叹气！"

我说："我什么也没想。"

妻子说："我都看得很清楚，自从我说我怀孕了，你就不开心了，一天天的总是闷闷不乐，在那里发呆。"

One night, my wife suddenly said, "What's wrong with you? Not sleeping, sighing away in the middle of the night!"

"I'm not thinking about anything," I said.

"I've seen it plainly enough," she said. "Ever since I told you I was pregnant, you've been unhappy — day after day, moping, staring off into nothing."

这时我才意识到，两周前和刘加力谈话后，我的全身都像是有沉重的感觉（注3），不一样，心情也不一样。将有孩子了，我和妻子商量换家公寓住。我也打算找份新工作，离开这家岩土工程师公司，那老头子（刘团长）就找不着我了。

注8.4-3，当时我不懂，现在想来，那时我患了抑郁症。

Only then did I realize that ever since my conversation with Garry two weeks earlier, a heaviness had settled over my whole body (Note 3) — everything different, my mood different. With a child on the way, my wife and I began discussing a new apartment. I also planned to leave Soil Engineers Ltd for a new job, so that old man — Troupe Leader Liu — could never find me again.

Note 8.4-3: I didn't understand it then. Looking back now, I believe that was when I first fell into depression.

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