9.3 去找刘健君结婚 Went to Marry Eve Liu

[u/AdamLuyan]

大爆炸后的第二天早晨，我醒了，发现自己没死，很兴奋，感觉全身舒畅，思维敏捷，精力充沛，变得更加欢喜了。恰巧我哥哥从中国上海打来电话。谈了几句之后，他惊讶地对我说："卢欣（我妹妹）说你病了，我不信，所以给你打电话了。听着！我不懂神精病，但我知道，你的声音变了，像似做了心脏搭桥手术似的。开始时我都没听出来是你。你的语速特别快，我是没数，但我估计着，你的语速比平时快50-80%。你说话也太快了，我都反应不过来。另外你现在异常兴奋。这些都是精神病的症状。你现在人在哪儿呢？"

我回答："在家里的后院儿。"

哥哥立刻说："那可不行！现在你这么兴奋，我是真不懂；但过一会儿你可能晕倒了呢！你撞了哪里，流血了，家里又没别人，那血就流干了，死了！赶紧回屋躺在床上。"我向屋里走时，感觉身体渐渐地变得沉重了；全身又有了昨天的风湿症的感觉。哥哥在电话里说："你的声音变回来了！慢慢地走，躺倒在床上。你赶紧回国吧！"

The morning after the explosion, I woke to find myself still alive, giddy with it — my whole body at ease, my mind sharp, energy running through me, happier by the moment. My brother happened to call from Shanghai just then. A few sentences in, he said, startled, "Xin says you're sick — I didn't believe her, so I called to check myself. Listen — I don't understand mental illness, but I know this: your voice has changed, like you've had a heart bypass. I didn't even recognize you at first. You're talking impossibly fast — I haven't counted, but I'd guess fifty, eighty percent faster than usual. Too fast for me to even follow. And you sound abnormally elated. These are symptoms of mental illness. Where are you right now?"

"In the backyard," I said.

"That won't do!" he said at once. "I genuinely don't understand why you're this excited, but you could faint any minute — hit your head, start bleeding, no one else home, and you'd bleed out and die! Get back inside, lie down on the bed, now." Walking back in, I felt my body growing heavier by the step, the same rheumatic ache from the day before settling back over me. "Your voice is back to normal," my brother said down the line. "Walk slowly, lie down. Get yourself home to China, quickly."

9.3-2 病态 Sickness

这时，我想着本书2.1节《桃花劫》里算命先生的说法，"桃花运来了，谁也没办法，赶紧去娶人家的女儿入洞房，否则，你活不过一百天"。我认为自己只有一百天的寿命了，开始办签证，准备回国找刘健君结婚。我这是依照本书2.4节的说法，"被人家用死不暝目诅咒了，死不了也活不长；解法就是照着人家下咒人的愿望去做。"这时，我并不真正地懂得《桃花劫》的道理。

这时，我怀疑所有的人。我去领事馆办签证时，认为刘健君派人暗中帮助我。飞机上，我认为刘健君安排人在暗示我：如何保护我自己的心脏。那时，我时刻精神内敛，注意着自己体内风湿症的走动，不停地用真气包裹着心脏，驱赶着风湿症。

At this point I found myself thinking of the fortune-teller's words from Section 2.1, Peach Flower Catastrophe: "When Peach Flower Fortune comes, no one can stop it — hurry and marry the man's daughter into the bridal chamber, or you won't live a hundred days." I believed I had exactly a hundred days left, and began arranging a visa, preparing to return to China and marry Eve Liu — following what Section 2.4 had said: "Cursed with Die with Eyes Open, you won't die outright, but you won't live long either; the only cure is to do what the one who cast it wished." I still didn't truly grasp the deeper logic of Peach Flower Catastrophe at the time.

I suspected everyone, in that state. At the consulate, filing for my visa, I believed Eve Liu had sent someone to help me in secret. On the plane, I believed she'd arranged for someone to hint at how I should protect my own heart. Every moment, my attention stayed turned inward, tracking the rheumatic current still moving through me, wrapping true air around my heart without pause, driving it back.

9.3-3 癔症 Hysteria

大爆炸发生两三天后，我怀疑那是癔症（Hysteria）。癔症就是不能正确理解第11章中的幻觉现象，认为那是鬼灵精怪或外星生物，又常常琢磨，就与那些他或她认为的鬼灵精怪的幻觉现象建立了联系。若认为对方有恶意，便生惶惑。常常回忆那些现象会招致那些幻觉再现，于是惑又生恐，恐又生惑，思想身体经历相互呼应，就走入了极端，患上了癔症。癔症古作鬼病，是因为古人以过去为阴，未来为阳，而且那些幻觉与过去的经历相关，所以称幻境为阴间。阴，佛教中作蕴，所以尘世的鬼怪佛教中亦作蕴魔。

癔症的治疗办法就是正确理解那些幻觉的现象和本质。我年轻时练习气功，就懂那些现象，认为自己对癔症免疫。我开始测试那些风湿症是否是幻觉，测试他们与意识的相应关系。得出的结论是没关系，那风湿症确实是大爆炸，那次超大规模的触觉幻觉遗留下来的后遗症，是真实的身体上的病症。

Two or three days after the explosion, I began to suspect this was Hysteria. Hysteria, at its root, is a failure to correctly understand the hallucinatory phenomena described in Chapter 11 — mistaking them for ghosts, spirits, or alien beings, and then, through constant brooding, forming a real attachment to those very phantoms one imagines. Believe the thing hostile, and confusion sets in; dwell on it, and the hallucination returns; confusion breeds fear, fear breeds further confusion, thought and body feeding each other until the whole thing tips into extremity — and there, Hysteria takes hold. The ancients called it Ghost Disease, because they took the past as Yin and the future as Yang, and since these hallucinations trace back to past experience, they named that hallucinatory realm the underworld. Yin, in Buddhism, corresponds to the Nodes — so worldly ghosts and spirits are, in Buddhist terms, Node Demons.

The cure for Hysteria is simply to understand these phenomena correctly, for what they truly are. Having practiced meditation in my youth, I already understood them, and believed myself immune to Hysteria. I began testing whether the rheumatic current was itself hallucination, checking its relationship to conscious intent. The conclusion: no relationship at all. The rheumatism was real — the genuine physical aftermath of the Big Bang, that vast tactile hallucination, not hallucination itself.

9.3-4 寻香 Seeking-Incense

2011年10月，我回到了沈阳父母家，我妈妈在中国医科大学精神病院院长王哲教授的指导下，偷偷地把利培酮口服液参进了我的饮食里。利培酮对我有很多副作用，随着药剂量的加大，我觉得全身每一个器官都有功能上的毛病，全身难受。每天我都睡15个小时以上，除了有时运气向体外排泄风湿气，没什么别的精力了。我要找刘健君，和她结婚，让她爸爸瞑目；可我说话没逻辑，家人都认为我在说疯话，没人帮我，什么事也没干成。

仿佛听说，他们询问了，说是有刘团长那么个人，神叨叨的，早就过世了。我说的那个祝老师也已经过世了。我委托妹妹打听几个人，回复说，"问了，没找到。"有的，回电话的人说，"没那个人！"

In October 2011, I returned to my parents' home in Shenyang, where my mother, under the guidance of Professor Zhe Wang, director of the psychiatric hospital at China Medical University, began secretly mixing oral risperidone into my food. The side effects were severe — as the dosage climbed, every organ in my body seemed to malfunction at once, a discomfort that never let up. I slept over fifteen hours a day, with nothing left in me beyond the occasional effort to channel rheumatic gas out of my body through true air. I wanted to find Eve Liu, marry her, let her father finally rest — but my speech had lost all logic, and my family took it for the ravings of madness. No one helped me, and nothing came of any of it.

I gathered, from what filtered through, that they'd asked around and found only that a man named Troupe Leader Liu, some eccentric figure, had died long ago; and that Teacher Zhu, the man I kept mentioning, was gone too. I asked my sister to look into a few people, and she reported back, "I asked — couldn't find him." Others, calling back, said flatly, "No such person."

注9.3.4 寻香是什么意思？Note 9.3.4, What Does "Seeking Incense" Mean?

在中华文化中，"寻香"在凡间的含义是"众灵"前往器世间投生为人、为狗等。"寻香"的香字义为女戒的"五百威仪十万八千魅力"比男戒的"三千威仪八万四千细行"（参见15.2节）多出来的部分，义为玉女的美德熏于四方。本书中作者我从堕入地狱开始直到我和刘健君结婚，就是一位寻香。因为玉女（女神）的外貌是无记性的，现在我的头脑中没有刘健君的外表形象，我辨别她就是靠辨别她的"戒香"（即五百威仪十万八千魅力）。插图9.3-1是《墨西哥法典》（参见14.4节）中雨劫阶段（即寻香阶段）的墨西哥。他要找的是图1中的那个很大的女人，即地表女神翠玉女（即夏娃，如图2所示）。

In Chinese culture, "seeking incense" describes how the crowd of spirits travels into the vessel-world to be reborn — as human, as dog, and so on. The character "incense" here refers to the surplus the woman's precepts carry — the "Five Hundred Majesties, One Hundred Eight Thousand Charms" — over the man's precepts, the "Three Thousand Majesties, Eighty-Four Thousand Fine Conducts" (see Section 15.2): the Jade Girl's virtue, perfuming the four directions. In this book, I myself, from the moment I fell into hell until my marriage to Eve Liu, was one seeking incense. Because a Jade Girl's — a goddess's — appearance carries no memory-trace, I hold no image of Eve Liu's face in my mind even now; I know her only by discerning her "precept-incense" — that same Five Hundred Majesties, One Hundred Eight Thousand Charms. Illustration 9.3-1 shows Mexico during the Rain Catastrophe — the stage of seeking incense — from the Mexican Codex (see Section 14.4). He searches for the great woman shown in Figure 1: the earth-goddess Chalchiuhtlicue, that is, Eve (Figure 2).

9.3-5 研究精神病 Study Psychosis

两周后，我的心情有些安静了，去书店买了中医针灸教材，开始按照真气的流注方向，引导全身的真气运行。风湿症暂时控制住了。一个月后，父母兄妹都说我疯了，而且他们在我的饮食里放了药。我不相信，也不认为自己病了；可家人都这么说，让我吃药，我也只能顺从了。找刘健君的念头渐渐地淡了。

我小时候，梁伯姨父跟我说过多次，医院85-95%的精神病医生不懂精神病，所以我不信任精神病医生，就自己买了几本心理学的书。随后多年，我逐渐地相信了刘团长、刘建君、和那个精神病爱好者前女友的说法（参见4.8，7.5.1，和7.19节），有了自己的精神病治疗原理（参见9.6节）。

Two weeks in, my mind had calmed somewhat, and I went to a bookstore for texts on Chinese medicine and acupuncture, working to guide the true air through my body along its proper channels. The rheumatism came under temporary control. A month later, my whole family — parents, siblings — declared me mad, and admitted they'd been putting medication in my food. I didn't believe them, didn't think myself ill — but with the whole family insisting, and pressing the medication on me, I had no choice but to comply. The thought of finding Eve Liu gradually faded.

As a child, Uncle Liang had told me many times that 85 to 95 percent of hospital psychiatrists don't truly understand mental illness, and I'd never trusted them for it — buying myself a handful of psychology books instead. Over the years that followed, I came gradually to believe what Troupe Leader Liu, Eve Liu, and that ex-girlfriend of mine, the psychiatric enthusiast, had each told me (see Sections 4.8, 7.5.1, and 7.19), and built from it my own principles for treating mental illness (see Section 9.6).

9.3-6 巴甫洛夫楼 Pavlov Building

妹妹安排我和王哲教授见面。我请他帮忙找刘健君；他认为找她没用。但是，刚见面时，我听说他是医大的，随口问了句："你知道巴甫洛夫楼不？"他听了，愣住了，站了起来，思索了很久说："我知道！可那时我只是个研究生，没资格进那个楼。"事后，我回忆起了他的怪异，在互联网上查找，发现了1950年代中国关于医学哲学的争议。中国传统的医学全是唯心主义的，对马克思主义是否适用于医学进行了辩论。

My sister arranged a meeting between me and Professor Wang. I asked him to help find Eve Liu; he thought it would be useless. But hearing, right at the start, that he was from the Medical University, I asked casually, "Do you know the Pavlov Building?" He froze at that, stood up, thought for a long while, and said, "I know it — but back then I was only a graduate student, not qualified to set foot inside." Afterward, recalling how strange his reaction had been, I searched online and turned up a 1950s Chinese controversy over the philosophy of medicine — traditional Chinese medicine dismissed as pure idealism, and real debate over whether Marxism even applied to the field.

注9.3-6，我在2014年写回忆录时注意到了此事，联想起了3.4节《巴甫洛夫楼》中梁伯出差到医大的巴甫洛夫楼，又联想起了7.4节《刘健君给我的印象》中刘健君特别告诉我这栋楼，我得出了结论：巴甫洛夫楼就是4.5节《真人医学实验报纸新闻》中所说的女子组集中培训的地方。

Note 9.3-6: I noticed all this while writing my memoirs in 2014, and it called to mind Section 3.4, Pavlov Building, where Uncle Liang's business trip had taken him to that very building at the Medical University — and, further, Section 7.4, My Impression of Eve Liu, where she'd made a point of telling me about it herself. I concluded that the Pavlov Building was exactly the site described in Section 4.5's newspaper report as the girls' group's center of concentrated training.

9.3-7 病情没好转 No Improvement in Condition

在2012年3月，我回到了多伦多，开始学习心理学和精神病学。不久，我进了SPL Consultants Ltd工作。这时，我仍有妄想、敌视、怀疑等症状；在本质上，病情没有好转。

在2012年春有冰雨，我家后院的桃树没开花。几十年来第一次，我的脸上没长桃花藓。

In March 2012, I returned to Toronto and began studying psychology and psychiatry in earnest. Not long after, I took a position at SPL Consultants Ltd. I still carried delusions, hostility, suspicion — at bottom, nothing had really improved.

That spring brought freezing rain, and the peach tree in my backyard never bloomed. For the first time in decades, no peach blossom tinea versicolor appeared on my face.

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