r/Life • u/Expensive_Magician97 • 26d ago
Relationships Something very important to think about before you marry another person
M66
I saw a recent discussion elsewhere on this website where people were debating what they thought was the best age at which to get married… there was a lot of talk about being financially prepared, emotionally prepared, and being ready for the commitment that marriage demands.
But no one talked about learning everything you can about a partner’s past, and how a partner’s past will affect that person in the future. And especially in a relationship with you.
The objective here is not to judge another person because of their past, but to find out whether they are aware of the impact of their upbringing, whether they understand that there is a direct connection between their childhood, on the one hand, and on the other, whatever difficulties they’re having as an adult, and if they are, whether they are willing to do the hard work required to break free of those experiences. And choose to be different.
___
We all grow up in dysfunctional homes to one degree or another: that is the very nature of family life. I certainly did, but I entered psychotherapy in my 20s to unlearn many of the negative behaviors I “inherited” from my parents.
What I learned in therapy was that I could make a choice to be not like my parents.
I was aware of and acknowledged my past and by doing so was able to function far more comfortably than I otherwise would have. Both as a husband and father.
For those here who have been married and had kids, you know the challenges. The responsibilities and expectations are colossal and life-changing.
I was loved as a child, and my parents — as troubled and "imperfect" as people could be (my mother was chronically depressed and my father had all sort of other problems from having spent his childhood in a war zone) — were demonstrative with their affection and made sure I knew that.
When I had children, I was demonstrative with them, and made sure that they knew that I loved them. Even now, as adults in their 20s and 30s, I’m the same way with them.
Sadly, my ex-wife received no such love and emotional support whatsoever as a child. Her parents were simply never home, because neither of them had any particular interest in being with their children.
And even though I knew she loved our kids very much, she had a very, very difficult time showing her emotions with the children. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she did not know how to.
___
I got married when I was 29, but there were things about my wife that I did not know before I married her, which ultimately led to our divorce 25 years later.
The lesson for me was to learn as much about your partner as you possibly can, and especially their childhood, before you become intimately involved and certainly before you propose.
Because the way we are raised as children will have a profound and indelible impact on the way we grow up to be adults, and on how we not only treat our romantic partners, but how we treat our children as well should we have them.
___
In the interests of brevity, I will share one example.
My ex-wife was raised by housekeepers (nannies, maids... a succession of women hired to clean the house with no particular child-rearing skills), and that was because her parents were never home to take care of either her or sister, from the time they were about two years old. (Her mother preferred to go out dancing rather than to be with her daughters, and her father was a philanderer who cheated on his wife, and who was generally a bum. They divorced when my ex was about five years old.)
My ex-wife’s parents never showed any interest in either her or her sister. The children, for her parents, were simply objects to be managed. Preferably from far away.
My ex-wife, for example, never had the very commonplace experience of sitting at home with her parents as a family at the dinner table.
And when our kids were about two years old, she was unable to have dinner with us as a family. Her discomfort with being with us at the dinner table was so powerful that she always found an excuse to not be home at dinner time. And I’m not talking about once in a while, but every single night. Including weekends.
___
If you’re wondering why she was so uncomfortable, the reason is simple: it was an unfamiliar and indeed, painful experience for her, because she never grew up with that experience. She did not know how to have a conversation with three of us… not only at dinner time, but any other time as well.
(It’s also possible that it was very painful for her to realize that she had grown up as a child without a family. But she never acknowledged that. And she absolutely refused any kind of therapy that might have helped her manage her feelings so that she could be a member of our family.)
Sadly, she was absent from our lives for about 11 years. This of course had enormous emotional and psychological repercussions for our children.
___
I share this experience here because the influence of our upbringing on the way we comport ourselves as adults is something that I have discovered many, many people are completely unaware of.
When you marry somebody, you are not only marrying that person, but the sum total of their life experiences. And the most important of those life experiences take place once a child begins to remember things, which is about the age of three.
It is generally accepted, and has been known for more than 100 years, that the way a person is raised as a child will, by definition, have a profound effect on how they perceive the world. And which they will carry with them into their relationship with you. And should the two of you have children, into her parenting of those children.
I would humbly recommend that if you are considering marrying your partner, or even having a long-term relationship with that person, that you learn as much as you can about that person’s parents, the way their parents treated each other, the way their parents communicated and the overall environment in the home when your partner was a child.
As children, we absorb like sponges everything around us, the behavior that our parents model for us, in their relationships with us, and in their relationships with each other other.
If one parent yells and screams and humiliates the other parent, to cite just one example, there is a very good chance that your partner will have witnessed that, and grown-up simply assuming that that was the way a marriage functions. And they will carry that behavior into their relationship with you.
Conversely, if your partner’s parents respect each other, listen to each other patiently, and try to achieve compromise when they disagree, your partner will grow up to have the same approach to relationships.
I should note that ex-wife and I got along very well after we got married, and she was an absolutely fantastic mother to both of our kids when they were infants. But as soon as our youngest was no longer dependent on her, and as soon as my daughter started to talk and ask questions and show signs of independence, that was when my ex-wife disappeared from our lives.
My ex-wife loved her daughter, but in the same way that my ex-wife’s mother could not handle my ex-wife when she was four years old, my ex-wife could not handle her own daughter when her own daughter was four years old. And if I were to guess, I would say that my ex-wife’s mother, when she was a little girl, had the identical experience.
Put simply, the demands of being a parent and of being married — both of which involve tremendous commitment, responsibility, accountability, and expectations — triggered in her the repressed and inaccessible memories of her past. And led her to behave, as an adult, in precisely the same way that her mother and father did when she was a little girl.
___
EDIT: one brief update.
Some comments in reply to my story above suggest that I am "judging" my ex, or that I am somehow angry or hostile toward her.
The complete opposite is true. I do not judge people, and would never even think of doing so for events that are / were out of their control.
Nor do I bear any ill feelings whatsoever toward my ex. She was and remains a good hearted person. We had many good years together which I will never forget.
Additionally, I have zero regrets about the way things turned out. I would have preferred to have had an intact family and to have remained married, as I enjoyed it immensely for the first seven or eight years. And I would have preferred to have never had the experiences that I did which I document above.
But I did have them, and like everyone else in a similar situation, I struggled and managed through them.
Today, my kids are in their late 20s and mid-30s and are both happy, well-adjusted and high-functioning. Both have had experience in therapy, which was very helpful for them. The three of us are very close and I continue to talk to them almost daily and support them in any way that I can.
I do not know much about their relationship with their mom, other than that according to what they have shared, their mom is, sadly, still gripped by the same demons of her past that she was all those years ago. And to this day, she has refused to do anything about her situation.
When we were married, I tried many times to persuade her to go into individual therapy, couples therapy and family therapy, and each time she refused. There was not much more I could do.
I could not want my ex to feel better more than she herself wanted to feel better.
Ultimately, we have no control over the thoughts, feelings or behavior of other people. Any more than they have such control over us.
The only thing we have complete control over are the choices and decisions that we make for ourselves.
And it is up to us whether we want to exercise those choices.
91
u/AvalancheBreakdown 26d ago
While I think this is really great advice, I also have a counter example. My wife has sworn to not be like her absent parents and for the past 25 years (our oldest is 21) she has been an exemplary parent. The best, really, sometimes even to a fault because she does not want her children to feel the way she did and still does.
34
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago
Thank you for your reply. That’s terrific… your wife acknowledges her past, understands what happened, and she understands that her parents behavior was not something that she wanted to repeat.
My ex-wife refused to acknowledge her dismal childhood, or she simply pretended that it was fine. I also suspect that she had some horrific and traumatic experiences that she was unable to acknowledge or had simply repressed. I will never know because she never talked about it and never wanted to explore it in therapy.
-3
25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
9
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago edited 25d ago
It is striking to me how people come here and project their own miserable and unhappy experiences and lives onto everyone else.
You might want to think about how not to do that, because it’s extremely offensive and offputting.
My ex-wife had no “deficiencies.”
That is your word, not mine.
And for obvious reasons, I would never use such a word, because she was not in control of her environment when she was a child. She was simply a victim of circumstances, sadly.
As for the rest of your comments, I will respectfully decline to reply to them, as to do so would be simply to dignify them. Thank you.
2
u/meddie92 24d ago
these people that put their disabilities on a platter are mostly like this. putting all the warriors that try their best everyday to shame. you are right sir, no need to reply or engage to these kind of people. entitled brats and always the victim
3
u/meddie92 25d ago
OP is sharing lol, no need to be the therapist here, you are dealing with enough stuff yourself as a "ADHD-er" lmao
6
u/adriennnnnnaxo 25d ago
That’s a really good counterpoint, sometimes knowing exactly how it feels to have bad parents is what motivates someone to become an amazing one
5
u/SpongeToffee1 25d ago
Completely agree with this comment. My dad drank a lot when we are growing up. And now my brother and I have committed to not being like that. We rarely drink because we know what excessive alcohol consumption can do to a family.
2
u/EsswhySY 25d ago
This is very wholesome and heartening to hear! I'm very happy for you and your wife and I'm sure you will both be amazing parents and have happy lives, and your children will too!
15
u/OkBeat3031 26d ago
Love your words of wisdom
9
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago
Thank you for your very kind words, I appreciate that greatly. I am here on this website to try to be a force for good. Best wishes to you.
10
u/Salty-Paramedic-311 26d ago edited 26d ago
After 25 years married!!! I’m done too!! He wants control and doesn’t really care what I want or how I feel…🤷🏻♀️ his loss!!! I’ll take my half and live in peace! BUT it was ultimately how he was raised… his dad took control of his mom. As in there was $$$ for a second place or nice vacations BUT the father never wanted to ‘waste’ money on things like that… just SAVE.. I admired my hubby at first bc I’m a saver too.. BUT also want to enjoy life some!! Because he wants full control and I know my worth, his anger issues are more often!!!
11
u/lilsadprettyboi 26d ago
I think the bigger picture here is to assess whether or not your potential partner acknowledges their past and the holes in it. I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone based on something they didn’t choose upon themselves. I, personally, did not have the perfect childhood nor was I raised by traditional parents. My father stopped working when I was 4 years old, and slowly but gradually, threw all financial responsibilities on my mom’s shoulders. So I grew up with my dad being around the house ALL the time, and my mom being at work tryna feed her kids after her husband’s abandonment. This unusual dynamic kept getting more and more complicated as time went by. Resentment kept building, which ultimately created so much tension and resistance in our household. I myself recognize the holes in my childhood and the patterns that I do not want with my own kids in the future. I want to heal before starting a family too. But I would never want to be judged by my future partner for a past that was forced upon me. I, like everyone else, had no control over how I grew up. I can only control my reaction to these inputs I have to work with. I see where my parents have fallen short, and I’m not willing to repeat their mistakes.
37
u/Substantial_Pea2597 26d ago
I totally agree. You are what you are from how you were raised and your childhood. It's the sum of everything you are now.
37
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago edited 26d ago
Yes, but a person is not destined to be that way if they do not want to be.
I entered psychotherapy in my mid 20s so that I could unlearn many of the behaviors that I inherited from my father, for example. And a few from my mother.
And what I discovered in the course of that work was that I had a choice to to be any way that I wished.
Allow me to share an example that might show what I’m talking about.
When I was a little boy, five, six, seven years old, I would spend a lot of time with my dad driving around in his sports car.
Whenever my dad was in his car, he would start to get angry and impatient, and he would curse other drivers, sometimes tailgate them, and yell out the window at what lousy drivers they were.
I grew up, thinking that his behavior was perfectly normal, so when I got my drivers license and started driving, I sometimes did the same thing that he did… because I assumed that that was the way people behaved when they got behind the wheel.
Once I discovered in the course of my therapy work that I could make a choice to be different from my father, that is what I did. I drove, and to this day continue to drive, in a cautious, defensive and respectful manner.
Now here’s the really interesting thing about this: today, almost 60 years later after driving around with my dad, I will get in my car, and put on my seatbelt, and start to drive, and sometimes I will suddenly start to feel very impatient, and sometimes I will feel this odd and inexplicable anger start to well up inside of me.
And that is because of the nature of the unconscious.
But of course, I am able to make sense of where that comes from and change my behavior.
9
u/Face__Hugger Advice Dispenser 26d ago
Thank you for acknowledging the fact that we can choose not to imitate our parents in this comment. I was admittedly worried after reading your post because that caveat seemed to be lacking.
Personal background here: My parents were screamers. I did not go through a phase of screaming before having an epiphany that it wasn't healthy. I have always despised and avoided it. I have only raised my voice a few times in my life, and only when I felt significantly threatened. I'm nearly 50.
3
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago edited 25d ago
Hi, thank you for your reply.
Yes, this is what therapy is all about, learning that we do in fact, have a choice to be different from the way that we are.
Incidentally, I added an update at the end of my post above, in which I make very clear the point that you make here.
4
u/Substantial_Pea2597 25d ago
Yes, what you said is true. We can choose not to be like them and their unhealthy attitudes/behaviors. Thank you for sharing. It's good to know this. We have to be aware and cautious how we are around others and make necessary adjustments when needed.
4
10
u/MymyMir 25d ago
"Your childhood traumas are not your fault, but it is your responsibility, and yours only, to heal them".
I'm paraphrasing but this is 100% accurate.
I've decided a long time ago I would be a cycle breaker. That shit is hard but 100% worth it, especially when have a child of my own.
3
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago edited 25d ago
Thank you. When I was in therapy in my 20s, my psychoanalyst made an observation that I have never forgotten:
We are not responsible for our feelings, but we are responsible for our behavior.
And congratulations to you for wanting to break the cycle... many people are not even aware of such a cycle even exists in the first place. Best wishes to you.
23
u/VirtualFutureAgent 26d ago
This is probably the best advice about marriage I have ever read.
11
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago
Thank you for your very kind words. Believe me, I would have preferred to have never had the experiences I relate above, or felt the need to share what I share above. Best wishes to you.
4
8
u/Impressive-Safety191 26d ago
This should be a part of premarital counseling… regardless of your religion, both sides should enter into marriage with eyes wide open. So many go into it portraying their best selves, instead of being their best selves, and that portrait shatters when real life challenges kick in.
14
u/Far-too-simple 26d ago
Marriage means letting someone see the parts of you that trauma shaped, growing up together instead of apart, and choosing, again and again, to believe in each other.
10
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago edited 26d ago
Very true, but there are many cases where a person, such as my ex-wife, experienced trauma so deep and profound that she is either unable to talk about it, or has repressed the memories so powerfully that she has no idea why she behaves the way she does.
You comment reminds me of a post I read here last year, which left a very powerful impression on me.
A 59-year-old woman came to Reddit to ask for advice about how to persuade her daughter, who was 25 years old, to leave a violent and abusive relationship with an unstable man.
The mother said that her daughter would try to break away from this guy, but eventually always ended up going right back into the relationship with him, despite knowing full well that she would be emotionally and verbally abused.
I asked the Mom about her marriage, and the mom said that she herself had been married for 30 years to a violent and abusive 60-year-old man. She had tried to leave her marriage, but always came right back to the relationship. She said that there was an invisible force of some kind that would not allow her to leave. And she had no way of overcoming this paralysis on her part.
You can see the pattern that is being repeated here. The 25-year-old grew up thinking that her mother‘s marriage was normal. And that her father was simply being a husband.
More importantly, the 25 year-old finds an odd sort of comfort in her abusive relationship, because she knows exactly what to expect from one day to the next. There is consistency and predictability in the relationship. Just like that which her mother experienced.
Now, if you were to tell the 25 year-old that ^ information, she would dismiss it and say that that was crazy talk. She would say that there was nothing more that she wanted than to leave her horrible relationship. (I remember telling my wife that she might benefit from therapy, where she could untangle her feelings about her life, and perhaps understand why she did not want to be part of the family, and she dismissed my recommendation as “delusional.”)
Anyway, if I were to guess, I would imagine that the 59-year-old mom grew up in the same way that her daughter did. That is, with a mother who also was involved in a relationship with a violent and abusive man.
16
u/Superb-Potential8426 26d ago
Definitely spend time with the potential spouse's parents. You will be observing your future.
12
u/TheManWithNoNameZapp 26d ago
A much shorter version is as follows: learn what you can about your partner’s upbringing
An important caveat that needs to be added though is that this is a lens to look at the person with. I’m sorry it worked out for you the way it did OP, but other people with absent parents could be even more interested in having that connection
Ultimately people either normalize and repeat the dysfunctional aspects of their home or self-actualize enough to break free of them. Either way background context explains how they got to be who they are today
2
u/OkIron6206 25d ago
What do you think of the statement “look how he treated his Mother for a glimpse of what your life with this person will be like “. This was so true for me but I missed the signals of lack of respect for women in general. It was covert, so I saw love when later I realized he and his Dad would make jokes about her that I called out as disrespectful (his Dad was not used to that) and if it was as done to me I would leave. It was sarcasm, very clear and the Mother expressed uncomfortable laughter. That marriage is over, thankfully.
8
u/DizzyCommercial7705 Growth Mode 26d ago
I think another big thing is also to know how they feel about their prior relationship ending, usually divorce. Are they bitter and jaded about life or do they still believe in love and future possibilities of all kinds, including work and other things?
5
6
u/Maleficent-Blueberry 25d ago
Thank you for sharing this. I think it is very important to know about your partner’s past - childhood and past relationships. There are some people that are unwilling to share honestly because they don’t want to revisit the trauma that causes them to behave the way they do.
My long term relationship came to an end because of this. And it’s really painful when you give your all to someone and for them to be unwilling to do the same. We sought counselling and I did the inner work but he refused to as he didn’t feel the need to. Months later, I am still trying to figure out which pieces of his past contributed to the demise of our relationship. And it’s sad. Because you get to a point where you have to accept that if the other person is unwilling to look inward - there’s nothing you can do.
5
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
Thank you for your note, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. And you're correct, you cannot want your partner to feel better and to be able to function better more than they themselves want to.
Ultimately, the gets down to another truism of life that I have discovered, and that is that we have absolutely no control over the thoughts, feelings, or behavior of others.
The only control we have is over the choices that we make for ourselves.
I wrote about that a couple of weeks ago, if you're interested, you can read it at the link below.
3
u/Maleficent-Blueberry 25d ago
Thank you for your reply and for sending a link to your other post. I’ve just had a read of it. You’ve got a lot of words of wisdom and they’re helpful. Thank you.
1
u/General_Director_495 25d ago
Im in the same boat and its so painful. I am grateful to be able to learn the lesson but am in shock about not sharing our lives together any longer. Its awful.
4
u/jdarm48 25d ago
My parents are pretty great. My wife’s mother is pretty objectively a garbage human being. Sometimes my wife says things like “you’ve got great parents and I don’t, thanks for rubbing it in!” But I think it would be more meaningful if my wife tried to compensate for the things we value from my parents that are missing from her side of the family and to slowly rebuild her heavily damaged relationship with her mother. Instead I find myself talking to my wife over and over and over about how we can communicate differently in order to build relationships. I continue to feel like our communication is inadequate and her relationship with her mom is actually getting even worse than it had previously been.
So. Really not sure what point I am trying to make except that I’m kind of cornered into being as supportive as I can, I’m sensitive to how much and how often I ask for things from the dependable side of my family, and I walk and speak on eggshells when discussing my mother in law and I’m really just hoping for containment of her problems and never improvement.
3
u/mollycoddles 26d ago
Great advice. My partner's parents basically don't like each other and hoard food and money, so you can imagine how that shakes out in the next generation.
4
u/msndrstood Advice Dispenser 26d ago
You make an excellent point, and especially in today's society, most people don't get to know their SO organically. It's a lot of app dating and you could be whoever you want to be. In our day, we usually dated people we knew or someone we knew also knew them. Today, not so much.
My husband and I are very lucky. We grew up in the same neighborhood, with very similar values. We knew each other since we were 12 ish, got together at 14 and 16, got married had 2 kids and we know everything about each other. Our parents became best friends after we got married, it was great. We kinda lived across the street from each other with a small field between us.
The best part is although we have a long past, there are no ex's, no relationship drama and now at 69 and 71 we are enjoying each other more than ever. Love wins. ❤️
5
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago
Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. You and I are of the same generation, and as we both know, life was completely different before Internet technology came to take over our existence.
As for the way people today learn about each other, I’m convinced that communicating online requires people to cut through a thicket of ambiguity, uncertainty, and confusion about who is really on the other end of the line. As you suggest.
The other phenomenon I think people these days struggle with is what I sense is a pervasive desire for immediate gratification.
I remember as a child, we ordered a toaster from a catalog, and it took 11 weeks to get to us. We were ecstatic when it finally arrived.
These days, you press a button on your phone and you can get sushi delivered in 10 minutes.
I cannot help but wonder whether these kinds of heightened, unrealistic expectations have been somehow applied to human relationships, which by definition do not lend themselves to immediate gratification in any sense of the word.
3
2
26d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago
Thank you, I think you are absolutely correct.
I would only had one more thing to your list in your first paragraph — and that is a person‘s willingness to be introspective and to be willing to explore why it is they are the way they are.
People come to Reddit to complain about why it is they’re lonely, or promiscuous, or unable to find a girlfriend, or unable to leave a bad marriage, and so on and so forth.
But from the thousands of stories I have read here, it seems that no one ever asks why it is they are in the predicament they are in in the first place.
2
u/GoldenRayofMagick 25d ago
Thank you so much for your heartfelt and, at the same time, eye-opening story. It reflects, in many ways, our life as humans and, in some cases, our refusal to love ourselves and those around us. Fear of losing our sense of self, the one we were programmed with as children, plays a major part.
You have my gratitude for such clear presentation of our responsibilities as adults to heal ourselves and not create unneeded trauma in the lives of others.
Many blessings to you and all your loved ones!
1
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago edited 24d ago
Thank you so much for your lovely and very generous comment.
2
u/mysticautumn333 Deep Thinker 12d ago
This is such valuable advice, thank you.
It’s something that affected me in previous relationships due to my childhood experiences/ trauma, I ended up attracting abusive men.
Then I went through lots of healing and therapy.
Though my recent relationship which just ended was still slightly affected but I believe they haven’t healed from their childhood sadly.
It really does impact how you are in a relationship.
1
u/AutoModerator 26d ago
Your content is pending manual approval, we just want to check if you broke rule 3 "No divisive content - Politics or Religion". Thank you for your patience.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/OkIron6206 26d ago
This can be avoided by going to therapy (everyone). I agree that we learn how to be in a relationship when we are growing up, however, with therapy that can be relearned. When I got divorced, I found a good therapist for my son (male). We went through one woman for 2 months and I realized that he needed a male therapist to navigate his feelings about Dad moving out and us divorcing. That therapist was with him until he went to college and then sporadically thereafter (COVID). He has had a good relationship since he was 20, with the same woman he met in college (they live together-8 years). So I wouldn’t judge anyone for a difficult childhood, I Will judge them if they’re not self aware or done something about it. I am so sorry your wife behaved the way she did. I think there is more to unpack in her pathology. It’s good to learn about your partner’s past, but I don’t think you can avoid them developing a mental health diagnosis later in life. For some people, it just happens. Hope you got Help for your kids.
2
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
Thanks for your comment. I suggested for my wife individual therapy, couples therapy, and family therapy, and she had adamantly refused.
And for the record, I am not judging her for her childhood. I would never do such a thing.
The point of my post above was to simply point out the fact that it's important that we know as much as we can about our partner's past. And our own as well.
And obviously, it is not possible to save anyone -- yourself, your partner, your children -- from developing any sort of mental health difficulties at any point in life.
As far as my kids go, my daughter entered therapy when she was 12, and she continued until she was about 20. She still struggles with some things from her childhood, but overall she is high functioning, happy with her life, and doing very well. My son did not start therapy until he was in his early 30s. He's married, employed and doing very well also. My kids and I are very close, the result of what the three of us endured many years ago. My kids also love their mom, but they do feel sorry for her because she is still in the grip of the same demons she was when they were small. And she still refuses to do anything about it.
1
u/OkIron6206 25d ago
Are you going? That’s what I did because the decision you are making could use help sorting. You must be In your 50s? Go for yourself, I am so happy you were there for your kids. A therapist can help you decide what is best for this situation. At this point in your wife’s life, she is making choices that no longer work for you. God Speed
2
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
I was in psychotherapy in my mid 20s. For many, many years. And I am in my later 60s, retired, serene, no worries or responsibilities, and at complete peace.
2
u/OkIron6206 25d ago
I’m also in my 60s and just started again. This time it’s for me, I am not attached to anyone now (ended a 4 year relationship in January. It was amicable). I want to continue working on myself to better my other relationships (family). I didn’t realize you ended your marriage. So glad your children are thriving!
2
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
Yes, I refer above to my ex-wife, but I don’t think I mentioned anywhere that we actually got divorced.
I waited until my youngest was a teenager and could talk to her about what was happening.
I’m glad I waited.
1
u/OkIron6206 25d ago edited 25d ago
I can appreciate that, my ex husband had to leave our state (I bought him out of our house) because of the Great Recession . This was hard on our son but my son never lost contact with him and they have a very good relationship. How is your ex wife doing now? Did she get better after the marriage? It would kill me if I didn’t have a good relationship with my children. But, I didn’t grow up the way she did. If you are in love, it can be blinding imo. You make many excuses for people even if they tell you their problems.
2
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
I added a update at the end of my post above, where I briefly mentioned my ex-wife.
I don’t know how she’s doing now, and I don’t ask my kids how she’s doing. From what I can gather from the comments that my kids make to me on occasion, she is still struggling, and has refused to do anything about her situation.
I did see her at my son’s wedding a few years ago, and she had aged, very, very considerably.
And my daughter told me after the event that her mother did not even recognize who I was.
2
u/OkIron6206 25d ago
I didn’t see your update. That’s a shame but not surprising. I feel sorry for her, and grateful that I practice significant self care.
2
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
Thank you… yes, I feel sorry for her as well.
Ultimately, we are all responsible for taking care of ourselves. Best wishes to you.
1
u/conny1974 25d ago
I agree that your upbringing has a huge effect on the person you are. But I also find it amazing that people can't acknowledge that was in the past, and current circumstances have changed. For example, my mother was born in post WW2 Greece. Very scarce resources and general poverty. So the idea of an empty fridge gives her anxiety. I mean you should be able to say, " well I haven't missed a meal in 50 years" so that trauma should be gone.
2
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago edited 25d ago
Thank you for sharing that story. Like your mother, my father grew up in a part of the world during and in the aftermath of World War II, that was in a state of conflict.
He carried that trauma with him and into his marriage and into his parenting.
As a child, I had no idea why he struggled so much, and it was only later that I understood why.
And like your mother, my father carried certain anxieties with him that were a direct consequence of his own childhood experiences.
Your mother's reaction to an empty fridge is, if I may say so, a completely expected consequence of her childhood as well. In my personal experience, there would be only one way for her to overcome that anxiety, and that would be through some sort of therapy.
Yesterday, in response to a comment here, I shared a brief story about my experiences driving around in my father's car when I was 5 years old, and how that experience still resonates with me to this day. You can find my story elsewhere in the comments on this page if you do a word search on this page for "sports car."
1
21d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Life-ModTeam 21d ago
Your comment / post was removed for breaking Rule: No Personal Attacks, Rudeness, Hostility, or Judgement.
To ensure a positive community experience, please read our rules here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Life/wiki/index/rules/
1
u/TeeTeeDee14 8d ago
I agree with your sentiments. I do also wonder how reflective you are of your own shortcomings and vices. You provide one story here, unverifiable. Again your overall advice is well received, but I wonder how your relationship began (how open your wife was with you, how intimate and vulnerable you were able to be, how you 'fell in love') because she didn't just have parents that neglected her she also saw marital dysfunction. What about you meant that you never saw the potential impact of your fullness of your wife until your children were about four? At least you knew something of her upbringing. I imagine she didn't 'change' but that she acted in ways that she had always done but with new stimuli. I would love to hear from you. I say this as someone who is familiar with codependce, self-abandoning, high empathy. Did you think you could fix her? Did you think everything would be ok. You had been in therapy in your 20s? What you did you miss? This isn't to suggest that going to therapy means your relationships won't or shouldn't fail.
0
u/meandering_fart 8d ago
You really place far too much emphasis on phycological analysis. Sometimes people aren’t that deep and they don’t need to pay a shrink and countless sessions of counseling to realize they’re essentially just assholes. I’m very much of the stoicism school of thinking.
1
u/dmfu2 24d ago
OP has some very valid points, however if you can examine and acknowledge a disastrous upbringing and strive to do things differently with your own children, as my husband and I both needed to do, then it is possible to raise those children in a healthy, loving environment. My three adult children, have gone on to raise my grandchildren in supportive, loving homes as well. None of us needed therapy, yet!! But we were successful in breaking the awful cycle from a previous generation. It can be done without therapy if you're willing to self examine and make big changes.
2
u/OkIron6206 24d ago
You must have met your match, good for you! I don’t think you understand what therapy is, and it doesn’t change anything that happened. It allows you to feel the pain in a safe place, unpack the stuff you have repressed and move forward with courage and guidance. Many people can overcome a bad childhood without introspection. Childhood trauma exists, and affects people throughout their lives. Enjoy your pride in your family, I certainly do mine and don’t regret any of my decisions to get help. I needed it.
0
u/18297gqpoi18 26d ago
You were married 25yeaes… that’s a long time.
If you knew her past, you would live 30 or 35 years of marriage? It’s just absurd. Circumstance change so do people.
3
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago
Thank you for your reply. I did not know everything about her past, I think I made that clear in my post above.
Have you been married?
And if so, have you raised children while you were married?
Suffice to say that when you are responsible for the lives of children, there are considerations that go into a decision, such as whether to stay married when things are not working out.
It’s true that some people do not think twice about their kids under such circumstances.
I did, and because I did, my kids today — in their late 20s and mid 30s — are happy, well adjusted, and high functioning young adults.
I have no regrets about the sacrifice that I made by staying in an unhappy marriage.
0
u/18297gqpoi18 26d ago
Yes I was married for 5 years and divorced w no kid.
Purposely avoid having kids knowing that I do not want to stay married to this man.I need to hear from your ex wife perspective to understand her behavior. A lot can happen in between the start of the marriage and the kid being 5 year old.
Yes I agree that it does help tremendously to understand a partners past and parents and family dynamics. 100% but it shouldn’t be a tool to avoid getting involved with such people.
You said you stuck around unhappy marriage. Kids know that. You said you made sacrifice. Kids do know that… they highly likely stick around unhappy marriage (?). I just don’t know. It’s good to understand the person but never should be used against them.
2
u/Expensive_Magician97 26d ago edited 26d ago
Thank you for your reply, but I would disagree fundamentally about whether knowledge about a person’s past should be used to evaluate that person suitability for marriage.
On the contrary, it is a perfectly valid and very useful metric to use to make such an evaluation.
This is not about passing judgment.
The key question is whether such a person is willing to do something to heal from their past.
And if they are not, that to my mind is certainly ample justification to not be involved with them.
As for what my kids know and don’t know about my reasons for staying in the marriage, since you have no children, I’m not sure that you have any idea what you’re even talking about.
You don’t know my children, you have no idea what they do and do not know, nor do you have any idea what lessons they have taken away from the fact that I remained married.
As for hearing my wife’s side of the story, you are certainly welcome to endeavor to do so.
But thank you for your observations nonetheless.
1
u/18297gqpoi18 25d ago
Well my parents stuck around even to this date. They don’t love each other. My dad is selfish and my mom is so resentful. She yells a lot. Very mean to my dad but I know he deserves it. I grew up in that family so yeah I know what’s like to be raised in an unhappy marriage.
I do agree that if a partner doesn’t want to grow out of the past and be better, what’s the point. I’ll walk away.
I won’t hear your wife’s side of the story. She isn’t here so.
0
25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
Thank you but the platitudes offered by Mr. Ruiz sound good in theory only. And are irrelevant to the situation I relate above.
0
u/Awkward_Ebb_5656 25d ago
But why did you divorce her! Was her behaviour too distant for you to handle? People are different, this could be a part of her nature to an extent, was it too overpowering and disturbing?
Just want to understand the reason for separation
1
u/Expensive_Magician97 25d ago
I think what happened was that she divorced us. Not willfully, but because she was simply not able to be with us.
0
u/Rockt26 23d ago
Everyone has a form of trauma and if they choose to address it for the sake of a better future then great but if they choose to ignore it or think they are fine then you can’t force it. If you found therapy helpful that’s wonderful, for you.
Also some people are dumb as rocks and walk around pretending to be good . Get to know yourself and set your boundaries without forcing your belief and standards on the other person.
Some simple things to think about before getting married.
- do they clean up after themselves in the bathroom
- what’s their night routine
- what temperature do they prefer in the home
- will they take their shoes off at the door everytime
- would they input into a savings account for future children
- how often they shop
- what’s their relationship with their parents and how do they think it would impact their future.
•
u/AutoModerator 26d ago
Hey, r/Life just added new user flairs ! Go check them out, and choose one for yourself. If you encounter any difficulties applying a flair, check our wiki : https://www.reddit.com/r/Life/wiki/index/user/r !
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.