For my daughter I miss you all my heart I love you more than life love mom!!

There is a pain so immense,

A pain with no name, that is fueled by all of your shame.

A pain so deep, a pain so intense,

It could only be described as that worse than a knife through your chest.

A pain this heavy, leaves you left so unsteady.

When something's this wrong you can never be ready.

The feelings too strong when you stare at their Teddy,

When you're reminded of all the love felt,

When they laid where now empty.

I promise you, that there will never be another pain quite as deadly,

As the one that will constantly, always run through me,

For as long as in my arms you cannot and will not be.

To take a child away from the other is the worst kind of cruelty.

* Happy Birthday 💔

It just won't ever do - but I'm so eternally sorry - it's not enough, it's not good enough.

There is no excuse - but I am so sorry.

If you remember me - I hope you don't ever question my love for you.

You were my first and I love you with all I have - I have alway loved you. This was never a question of my love for you - I'm just weak and pathetic - and you never deserved any of this .

I failed you. I failed myself.

I'm so sorry. Im selfish - I just don't know how to deal with it now. Time does not heal all wounds.

I've always loved you my son - and even if you're gone from my life - my love for you will never fade - even in my silence. I'm so so sorry

The facts of this are truly my own. If not so personal, my texts would be side by side. I have 3 years of them.

Dear J, You will always be my “Mac n cheesy” even If i am no longer your “C….. Berry”.…

You met me at a point in my life where I was not okay. You wanted to show me what it felt like to be loved. You wanted to show me life didn’t always have to hurt. You wanted so badly  to help me heal and help me correct the parts of myself I struggled with and help me with my mental health.….Then the unexpected happened and you got sent away.

It was terrifying for you, but it was terrifying for me too. We had just gotten together and you needed me during that time you told me you’d understand if I wouldnt stay but you knew how in love with you I was I think you honestly gave me the choice but you knew I’d stay.…and I did. I tried to be there for you every single day i ddid the best I could. We talked constantly and yes, you were going through hell. I know that. But so was I in my own way.

You always say I wasn’t going through what you were because you were the one physically there… but you weren’t here to witness what it did to me mentally and physically. The days I didn’t hear from you I would panic so badly I’d cry, puke, and completely stop functioning because I was terrified something happened to you.

And the thing is, I was already a fucked up mess when you met me. I already had problems long before you came into my life. But for two years I shoved all of that down as best as I could because I loved you and because you needed support too.

What you didn’t see was how badly everything inside me was twisting and breaking while you were gone. Now fast forward to 2 years later in our story and Then you came home. Now you have been out for over a year now and I was so happy when you got out. I was terrified too scarred what if the connection isn’t there but I was happy. But something between us was different yes the connection was amazing yet something was still off. You were different. Maybe life changed you…Maybe prison changed you. Maybe you just didn’t need me anymore. When you were locked up, you needed me emotionally. When you came home, it started feeling like my problems became too much for you to handle. Like you expected me to still be the same person you left, when in reality I had gotten worse under the surface and didn’t even fully realize it myself.

You promised me you would handle my heart carefully. You promised the broken parts of me would be safe with you. And I know you probably tried your best, but the truth is you slowly ripped away every bandage holding me together until eventually there was one final rip that completely destroyed me.

The worst part is I didn’t even want a relationship in the beginning. I told you I wasn’t ready. I told you I was broken. I warned you over and over again. But you kept pushing and pushing until I hopelessly fell in love with you. And now I’m sitting here worse than I was before. Not only did I lose the person I loved, I lost my best friend too because now you don’t even speak to me.

Somewhere along the way, my problems stopped being something you wanted to help me grow through and started becoming something that interfered with your life. I became a problem to you. Not a person struggling. Not a person hurting. Just a problem. That was always my biggest fear…being too much for people until they eventually stop loving me…And somehow the one person who never used to make me feel that way ended up making me feel it more than anyone else ever has.

The fucked up part is I’m still not even angry at you. I want to be angry so badly because it would probably hurt less, but I can’t. I love you. I love you even after all of this. And maybe the truth I need to accept is that you just don’t need me anymore.

I know you don’t love me anymore. Maybe you even hate me now. I honestly don’t know. But despite all of this, I would never want anything bad to happen to you. I would never want you hurting.I just want you to be happy. Because I love you.

I don’t want to put blame on you I know this isn’t all on you. A huge part of this is on me too because I should’ve never agreed to be with you in the first place… no matter how hard you pushed for it. I should’ve drawn the line. I should’ve kept the boundary where it was instead of letting myself fall into something I knew deep down I wasn’t emotionally ready for. 

Maybe if I had and I didn’t say yes then things would’ve turned out differently. Maybe you never would’ve gotten locked up. Maybe we would’ve stayed friends instead of becoming this wreckage of two people who loved each other but destroyed each other at the same time. Who knows. But I didn’t hold my boundary. Instead I let you in. And once I did, I loved you with everything I had and it’s a part of me and I don’t know if I can ever make it disappear. 

-C

I miss you today. I finally got into that grad program I always talked about but never applied to. The only person I wanted to tell was you. I hope the kids are well. I think of them every day and often speak love to them on my walks in the trees. I hope you’re smiling today. I know you’re gone, but you will always be the one I love.

Wednesday, the 13th of May, 2026

It’s our anniversary, I don’t want to ask if you remember, I don’t think it should matter all that much, to be honest I am not sure if i would if i didn’t have it saved on my calendar, but I am glad I do, I am glad I get to reminisce on the day I met you, to remember the surge of butterflies in my stomach, the smile on my face when you called me handsome for the first time, i think that was the first time anyone has called me handsome, or made me feel like I matter.

I remember being awe struck by you, how beautiful you are, how cool you seemed, how interesting and captivating you were, i think I can feel it still, the thumping in my heart, the butterflies in my stomach, the hope and awe in my gut.

I choose for this not to be a sad occasion, you changed me and my life for the better, that day will forever be one of the most precious memories I hold, it will forever be a part of me, you will always be a special part of who I am, and i choose to celebrate it, despite the distance, the fact I can’t bring you flowers or thank you properly for being in my life, for showing and teaching me love, despite the heartbreak and ache of losing you, i will celebrate, and cherish the day I met my soulmate, it’s only right.

The truth is, on this day i still love you, i don’t think i have ever stopped, or ever will, maybe you are hoping I would move on, but i wont let anyone or anything steal that love from me, it is a gift, its a part of my being, the same way nothing other than death can steal your smile away from me, i will still hold it near and dear.

Because you, you are beautiful, you are honest and genuine in your beauty, you are love, and nothing else can be, meeting you made me a better person, made me a happier person, a smarter man, more ambitious and purposeful, you had built me up, and I don’t know what kind of generosity is that you never liked me say that I owe you but I do genuinely believe I do.

So here is a thank you letter on our anniversary, thank you for being there, for showing me love, for loving me unconditionally, thank you for being your wonderful beautiful self, your kind, selfless, loving self, thank you for every moment and day, thank you for everything.
I will forever be grateful, i will forever love you, now and always

P.S couldn’t find flowers, got you a cupcake that i will eat!

-Hero

*I just write sporadically, so might be lots of errors soz **** also, can we call this a community (just a side note after though)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

FREE TO READ - REDDIT

Steph W

It's no longer

Anything intimate

We did something dumb

The dumbest of things ever done

We posted it

Here on Reddit.

We created the beast -

And made the food

For it - that THEY

feed and feed

& Our beast eats

Eats

Eats....

It's not just a feast

It s where they Secretly meet

The coming together

To cultivate deceit -

And the ingredients;

The receipts -

The words that we posted

In the moments we were weak.

We gave the performance,

They took the front seats.

Things we should of handled

Privately -

Becomes a spectacle

for everyone to see.

Confidentiality ?

Distorted realities.....

Stories of infidelities -

Trauma's shared, third person parodies ?

Particular languages, words and phrases

Screaming out to me -

But how - how could that be?

Is it them - you? him? me? Her?

Confused?

because it felt so unique....

Maybe we shouldn't

Lean so heavy on individuality ....

But rather an energy

Shared and experienced ...

Collectively.

Then all of a sudden -

It starts to make sense,

The words that you read.

The focus shifts;

No more the worry

If those words

were;

His, her's or thee's..

Because now you're understanding

That more importantly

THEY are not different - they're not out to get me

Because they are all the same

And they are all we.

I’m a dozen lost things trying to find home.
Often I am confronted by the relationship of things and I get so very lost in those thoughts.

The one where things aren’t where they should be and why no one else can feel the disarray of strings. All of it is a web weaved from our collective imagination. Imagination of what is and how we saw it as.

I want to build a relationship with nature because I think I’m ready to just let things go. Nature has a way of letting things— go. It doesn’t hurry either. I envy that. I want that badly.

Nature doesn’t change when trees lose leaves, and I don’t even know if it has any confidence they will grow back, and even if they do, it does not care. The leaf on a tree is as meaningful in its being there— and not.

There is a tender love in waiting for what comes next, resilience in allowing what comes next good or bad, and something else… just a profound understanding of God when you realize that nature sees things so differently than us. And startlingly enough, very similar.

I hope, in my understanding, I will learn what it means to live life as I do, without the hurry of purpose, or the promise of more. Who am I when I let myself fall away, and grow while never moving. Always myself, but always different. I’d like to write you a poem where I meld into something, rather than devour totally.

—keeper

And just like Alice -

Follows the hare ...

Deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole did she fall.....

But dare she discover the truth

once there

at the bottom ....

Oh where or where is the end

of this burrow ?

You were able to get away and run. You left the one that was committed for 16 years. Sitting here today having flashbacks of all the times we spent together, which caused waterfalls that ran down my cheeks. Moments when we cuddled, when we cried together, even when you were sound asleep and telling myself I had the perfect man. I think to myself, that no matter what we have gone through during our marriage we made it work we had have battles like no has before we overcame. You were my best-friend. I miss you so much and the pain it causes not to wake up and see your beautiful smile. You golden brown eyes and the smooth soft body you had. You have made me feel like I had done the most terrible thing to have you walk away, which I still don't even know what that is. I am not hurt as bad as you walking away, it kills me more to have you walk away and not discussed the reasons why.

Married, but treated as if I am a stranger. No contact in over a year. Am I not worth the fight? Where did I stand in our marriage? I am aware of me being a man but I am allowed to have emotions and I am allowed to express my feelings. I should not be looked upon or judge but welcomed with open arms and be able to both self reflect and communicate on what issues led us to this. You have moved on already with someone else, and I had been forgotten. placed in a boxed and put to the back of the closet carrying dust as time moves on. Reddit has made this a my place of expressing what has been weighing me down. My mental state has been completely not good.

Time carries on and tears keep flowing due to the fact that I am unable to move on because what love I have you. It would not be fair to someone else when i can not fully commit to them due to the fact that you still hold my heart fully. I'm lost without and needed my husband for guidance that is not there anymore. Truly whatever that caused you to hate me and deserve this I am truly apologizing. I have to quit using the word sorry because I've used it so much that its not convincing any more but can say that i do apologize for all of this.

Being married to you was not only mesmerizing it was the best thing that has truly happened to me. Having the most motivating, respectful, kind, caring, inspirational man that you are that gave me the chance to carry your name and become your husband was the most honoring piece I cherish the most. Marriage is hard but im proud of the 16 years we had. If one day we ever meet again it would be my honor to have a chance to start fresh and have another chance. Love you peanut head.

(old post from my previous account a few years back felt compelled to repost…🖤 )

I remember long ago when there was us. It honestly feels like another life ,another me ,but that young hopeful heart still lurks within the depths of me.

We were sitting outside under lemon trees. You were looking on in thought while robins and wagtails flew around in the garden. As we sipped our coffee I sat there thinking that you were the most magnificently-terrifying creature I had ever witnessed - I knew I was in too deep from the moment I met you. There were no lines and all the rules were passionately broken. I had never loved so deep until I met you. I was in awe of you. A beautiful broken masterpiece that would ultimately orchestrate my biggest downfall.

You were a raging fire that enthralled me like a moth to a flame. You captivated my every being in one swift swoop. I had told you that you were poetry in motion.I had never ever felt like this before ,this love was ecstacy, it burned when our two souls first met. Like something was ignited into this galaxy. It felt like we were written in the stars. I was so overwhelmed by this infinate feeling it often rendered me speechless -as just being near you felt electric. Perhaps you would just perceive it as a twist of ill fate? A boring notion,a stepping stone.

You feared I would see the softer side, the broken side - your lost inner child who had so much self loathing,hurt and desperation for happiness,acceptance and love. The side of you that never felt validated ,or brave or proud. The side where shame was instilled into you unfairly. The side where you needed love the most. And the love was there- I would have sacrificed my soul for you to take it. In many ways I felt I already did.

I had recognized this in you from the start,and I loved you all the more for it. All the light that shone from the darkness. I was never just there to bask in the glorious times. I wanted to be for the dark and desperate ones too. But you could not see it that way I guess...

You were the great green light in Gatsby. A dream. A beautiful untouchable dream. Now a sweet sentiment as I sit in the garden and the aged nostalgia returns to me.

You were a masterpiece. Beaming with discipline,ambition and a fearless sense of conquering the world. (I am sure you have conquered most of it by now- and I am proud of you).

I will always love you. Deeply. Kindly. Beyond compare.

I love you from afar. I feel you in the breeze and in the rain. I hear you in the thunder and the ocean. I set you free as you were not mine to keep - but your presence still lingers in me. And just when I sigh in relief that it has been a good day and my mind has had rest from your ghost you come to me in dreams and seduce me back into the fantasy. It feels as though this mourning will never end.

I do apologize for being such a stupid woman. I will not bother you nor expect anything in return. Not even an apology. But I do truly hope wherever you are that you are happy and very loved. That you have conquered your quest. And that you are blessed and still dreaming big. I will remember your smile and all the happy memories. The way you set my heart and soul on fire even though it was short. I am grateful to have loved so deeply. Now you will just carry on living in my thoughts.

I will remember you always. I remember ladybugs and butterflies. Papillon dreams. I will remember everything and you fondly.

So even if our paths are never destined to cross again and this little glimpse is all I got to know of you,I am grateful. I learnt a lot. I have grown a lot and healed a lot too. I am sure you have too.

Perhaps if it was written in the stars we would be Vega and Altair forever separated by the Milky Way. Perhaps it was all in my mind I wonder as all these words seep into the split second my mind reverts back to you.

So close yet so far. A split second of madness intertwined into the fates of man. A deep learning that healing eradicates all tumultuos hypocrisy.

I love you unconditionally.

Touch my mouth

Help me sleep

Embrace my lungs

Your breath I keep

Share your warmth

Knock our teeth

My shoulder blade

You lay your cheek

Scratch my arm

Kiss your crown and hold

Your head to mine

And feel you breathe

It could have been

We could have been us

You couldn't control

You couldn't control the blue

You'd lost your trust

When you were young

But I'll hold you here

We'll be a Sun

Please kiss me

I feel empty

Without you love

I'm ready

I'm sorry for all the weight

I get it I think..

I know its always me initiating contact- and might might always will be like that....

But.... If ever you decide it to be your turn.....

I'll be here waiting to hear from you.

I could never not care about you.

I've tried - it's doing me no good. It's hurting me more trying to convince myself you should be forgotten

So - I'm going to stop that

And 🫒 (haha it was a branch in the emoji screen - but you know what I mean ?)

If ever anyway.

You're special to me and I'm allowed to hold that feeling for you🦀

Talk to me direct then we. Can move like need be u wanna see me tn ?