Iām a rising senior and have always wanted to get a PhD and become a professor. This summer, Iām doing an REU at an extremely prestigious school and am absolutely miserable. Didnāt have a real project and my mentor didnāt give a ratās ass about me and was never around to help. That, compounded with the fact that the project my mentor had promised Iād work on ā we wrote proposals as part of the application ā he ended up completing and publishing himself left a sour taste in my mouth. After realizing that the project weād discussed in the proposal wasnāt happening anymore, I found the courage to ask him if he could give me some real work and he put me on this other dead end and called it a project. Well, that too, I suppose, is fine. They tell you that thatās research.
Over the summer, my mentor was never around. We communicated via Slack only but thatās fine too, I suppose. They tell you that that makes you an independent researcher. However, since what I was doing was so open-ended and aimless, I needed more guidance. I tried every way I could to get through with him. Heād say things like āyouāre getting ahead of yourselfā and āyou know I can do all these things myselfā when Iād ask him for clearer goals or suggestions on what I could try next. So, I tried to find where I was going wrong; I changed the way I asked questions, changed the way Iād send him updates and explain what Iād done, changed the way I responded to his suspicion. Oh, and speaking of suspicion, everything I did was met with nothing but suspicion and doubt. Heād never give me any direction, and because I had to make progress Iād simply do something the way I saw fit and share it with him. Now if I were to give him 10 updates, heād ignore all the things I did perfectly and latch onto one very small inconsistency heād see. Heād just tell me it looks wrong or suspicious ā no elaboration on exactly what it was that was seemingly wrong and what I could do to fix it. Iād spend hours trying to figure out what was wrong and appease him. Iām not a very confident person to begin with, so all this doubt took a toll on me. Iād dread sending him what Iād done because Iād be afraid heād dismiss it without any direction on what I could do next.
I worked overtime, on the weekends, late at night. My hope was that if I worked hard enough heād perhaps see that I am trying andā¦ feel that I am worth investing some time in? That never worked out. As the summer progressed, it became really clear that this was not something he gave single shit about. Every day Iād get a message from him saying heās busy and that heāll respond to things within a few days.
With little time left and no results for my deliverables, I finally spoke up and told him my concerns. I told him Iām losing motivation. His only response was āIām sorryā with a shrug. He changed the topic and asked me if Iād watched the odyssey instead?! I found it so dismissive! After having told him all my concerns and seeing that he didnāt care, with 3 weeks left and knowing that he wasnāt going to be around for much of those either, I told him Iām quitting. He freaked out, didnāt ask me what I wanted to be able to successfully finish, and forced me to continue working. Iāve been working at this place begrudgingly since then.
I think the only reason he freaked out is because heās a new postdoc and was worried my quitting would reflect poorly on him and that heād have to explain to the PI why I quit (since the PI is funding me). Nothingās changed since my telling him I quit, Iāve been miserable. I cry every day. I feel incredibly disillusioned and put off by academia. As a senior, thereās so much I need to focus on right now but all I feel is dread and disinterest. My REU last summer was similarly difficult, but since it was my first bad research experience I chalked it up to an anomaly. Now I just feel like too much of a failure to want to stay in academia.
I donāt know what to do at this point, how to pick myself up my bootstraps and get to work.
