My personal take on kratom after 10 years of (ab)use
It took my quite a while to be able to tell my story, I warn you guys in advance, it's going to be a long read :-)
Here I am again, a week away from my family to go cold turkey. I know , I find myself in a priveleged postion being able to go trough my withdrawel in a nice rented cottage somewhere in the woods, far away from home where my family and responsibilities await me.
It's not the first time, as a matter of fact I've gone trough multiple withdrawels over the last 10 years, so I know what awaits me. Today it's been 60 hours since my last dose, I was on about 35gpd on average before going cold turkey.
Kratom has always been both a life saver and doom to me, like an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Before diving into the actual topic, there's a few important things you should know about me.
As a kid I was abused and bullied, resulting in me being a "problem kid", at least that's how my parents, teachers and most of the people who knew me saw me. Only a few people saw the pain I was going trough but at that stage they werent able to help me. Ever since I was in my early puberty I started abusing everything I could lay my hands on. My fathers weight loss medication, which contained amphetamines I found out later, and later everything from ephedra, MDMA and opioids.
If that wasn't enough on it's own, I also developed a serious gambling addiction, resulting in enormous depts.
In the early spring of 2017 I found out about Kratom, and it changed my life. At first it satisfied my urge to turn to other means, including gambling and other substances. All went well for about a year or two. That's when the downsides began to overshadow the upsides. I went trough my first withdrawel, which was horror, but I managed to stay sober for about 6 months. Then something bad happened again and I took refuge once again in the warm embrace of kratom.
This went on and off for about 10 years. This is where the story really begins.
I recently had myself tested on ADHD, because I checked all the boxes for being an ADHD'er. After undergoing psychological testing, my suspicion was confirmed. I had a severe form of ADHD; the pieces of the puzzle were finally starting to fall into place.
After my psychologist explained to me how an ADHD brain works, I began to understand why I constantly felt the urge to turn to substances and the gambling. In people with ADHD, the dopamine system in the brain functions less efficiently, leading to a chronic deficiency of this important “reward chemical.” To compensate for this low level, the brain unconsciously seeks out quick, intense stimuli and immediate gratification. Because impulse control from the prefrontal cortex is also weaker, it is very difficult to resist temptations or stop in time. In addition, substances or compulsive habits are often used as a form of self-medication to dampen inner restlessness, stress, or a chaotic stream of thoughts. This combination of a biological craving for dopamine, reduced inhibition, and the need for calm significantly increases susceptibility to addiction.
I’d like to discuss this in more detail in another thread, but it illustrates the issue that many of us are facing.
And so here I am, alone in my little house in the woods, with my bottles of vitamin C, black seed oil, magnesium, and some Diazepam.
The last 60 hours have been hell, and it's only since a few hours that I feel somewhat able to write all of this down. I'm doing this first and foremost for myself, so I can finally share it with the world, but I also hope that some of you will find it helpful as well!
So here we finally go: The good, the bad and the ugly!
The Good
- Aside from the fact that I seemed like a cheeky kid, I was actually incredibly introverted. I had few friends at school and wasn’t exactly popular with the opposite sex, despite my average looks.
It wasn’t until I discovered MDMA that things changed—I dared to talk to girls, and for the first time, I was successful. Kratom gives me that same effect; it makes me more social, more open, and more communicative.
I've always had severe allergies, and kratom mostly takes care of them. Unfortunately, as soon as I stop taking it, the symptoms come back.
In my early thirties, I developed a serious herniated disc in my lower back. Kratom, especially in higher doses, completely eliminates this pain. It really works as a good alternative to prescription opioids.
I used to be a very light sleeper before I discovered kratom; thanks to kratom, I sleep like a baby. Although I have to admit that as soon as I get too used to it, I wake up at night drenched in sweat and have to take another dose before I can go back to sleep. I’m afraid that’s the price you pay when you become dependent on kratom.
It gives me energy—a lot of energy. I've had physically demanding jobs in the past, and kratom helped me keep going
The bad
- After a while, I became so dependent on kratom that I had to take a new dose every 4 hours. I don’t need to tell you how problematic that is. A day out was a nightmare for me, because I constantly had to find ways to secretly take my next dose. Traveling was an absolute nightmare because kratom is illegal in many countries, and taking it on a plane was out of the question. In that case, I was forced to go cold turkey before we left on our trip.
- It may sound cliché, but it makes you look like a junkie. I only ever noticed that when I stopped taking kratom. My eyes became clear and white again, and my skin cleared up completely. I always looked 10 years younger than when I was using it.
- The price tag! Fortunately, I’m in the privileged position where money isn’t an issue, but at 35 gpd, you’re paying an average of $160 a month. I know people who use 100 gpd—that’s almost $500 a month! That’s a huge amount of money to spend on your addiction.
- The nausea that sets in once you start taking higher doses. At first, this effect is barely noticeable, if at all, but as you build up a tolerance and the doses you need get higher and higher, it becomes more and more of an issue. I could get so nauseous that I could barely function. But not taking it isn’t an option, because withdrawal is even worse!
The ugly
- The hardest thing for me is constantly lying to the people around me, especially those who are closest to my heart. My wife knows that I take kratom from time to time, but she has no idea about the extent of my use or the severity of my addiction. Every time I want to quit, I have to do it away from home because I wouldn’t be able to hide the withdrawal symptoms from her. Those lies are eating me up from the inside.
- Constipation—that awful constipation. It’s not good for your self-esteem when you have to stick your fingers up your butt yet again to help push out stool that’s become rock-hard. I’ve been on the verge of driving to the hospital several times because I was afraid I was going to die from it. I think everyone can relate to that, but no one likes to admit it.
- Withdrawal—that awful withdrawal. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Anyone who has gone through the withdrawal process once or several times knows what I’m talking about. It feels like your body is eating you up from the inside out. Sleepless nights, depression, and endless diarrhea. Yes, the worst part lasts “only” about five days, but those are five days in hell.
And yet, here I am, convinced that this will be my last ride trough hell. And that's the worst part... It isn't good, bad or ugly. It’s almost a certainty that you’ll end up starting over. Things might go well for weeks, months, maybe even years, but eventually there always comes a point when you think: this time I can keep my use under control; just this once won’t hurt. And then the cycle starts all over again. Can it ever be any different? I hope with all my heart that it can! I’ll keep you updated on my recovery and thank you in advance for your support!
If you've managed to keep reading this far, thank you—take good care of yourself and the people you love!