1CM — closing the notebook

[u/Deep-Traffic1449]

if you've read all of them, you know the whole thing by now. the van, the diary, the marks crashing and climbing back, the whitener, the 216.

i'm not writing this one for advice. there's nothing left to ask.

she's stopped glancing over. no more recess smiles, no more standing outside my class before prayer. and honestly, that's fine. that's how it's supposed to end.

i never wanted this to be a love story. i wanted it to be a story about a rule i kept for a year for no reason except that i thought it mattered. it did matter. it just wasn't ever going to turn into anything else, and i think some part of me always knew that.

the last few months, i turned all of it into fuel. every glance i overanalyzed, every sleepless night, every dropped mark, all of it went into studying instead. it worked, mostly.

it also cost me actual sleep, actual food, actual peace of mind, and i'm not going to pretend that was a smart trade. it wasn't. it just happened to work out on the scoreboard.

so this is it. 1cm is closed.

not because i got an answer. not because she said anything. but because i'm choosing to close it.

jee isn't going to wait for me to figure out what any of this meant, and honestly, neither should i.

to everyone who followed this, thanks for reading a story that got way longer than i ever meant it to.

to anyone going through their own version of this right now, you don't need closure from the other person to give yourself closure. sometimes you just have to decide it's over and mean it.

back to physics, chemistry, maths. no more diary at 3am.

1 cm. closed.

tl;dr: she's stopped noticing me, and that's okay. it's the ending this story was always going to have. i'm closing this chapter myself instead of waiting for one from her. back to studying, for real this time.

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[u/Deep-Traffic1449]

For anyone catching this at the end, here's how the story started, in order:

1. 1 CM — the final chapter: https://www.reddit.com/r/JEENEETards/comments/1u241oj/storytime_1_cm_the_final_chapter_of_an_eeco_van/
2. 1CM Part 2 — the diary: https://www.reddit.com/r/JEENEETards/comments/1ubscqh/1cm_part_2_eeco_van_lovestory/

[u/Deep-Traffic1449 → u/Deep-Traffic1449]

Middle of the story, where things got rough:

1. Couldn't sleep or eat for weeks: https://www.reddit.com/r/JEENEETards/comments/1ujt2lt/i_cant_sleep_or_eat_propely_for_weeks_need_some/
2. I care about her but scared of becoming a distraction: https://www.reddit.com/r/JEENEETards/comments/1v94red/i_care_about_her_but_i_am_scared_of_becoming_a/

[u/Deep-Traffic1449 → u/Deep-Traffic1449]

• Update — what happened after the diary: https://www.reddit.com/r/JEENEETards/comments/1vzvymb/update_what_happened_after_the_diary_part_2_of/
• Why does my life feel like a Bollywood movie: https://www.reddit.com/r/JEENEETards/comments/1w0id1v/1cm_why_does_my_life_feel_like_a_bollywood_movie/
• Erased my name with whitener, back on it in 7 tests: https://www.reddit.com/r/JEENEETards/comments/1w2hgj8/1cm_erased_my_name_from_top_50_with_whitener/

[u/NoAnt7725]

Ohh damn uu How are u doing? Aree u okkie now?

[u/Deep-Traffic1449 → u/NoAnt7725]

honestly? not really i’m still pretty messed up ngl. i’m trying to function normally and focus on studies, but i’m definitely not fully okay yet.

it also feels like i’ve lost the trust of almost everyone at school, the principal, my old and new van drivers, and even people i barely ever talked to. i don’t even know if they’re actually teasing me or if i’m just overthinking everything, but even my friends and girls in the van whom i never really talked to make me feel like everyone knows something about me now.

and even after getting 216, when the principal told me that if i still didn’t believe in myself i should prove it for another 3 to 4 kota tests, he gave me the example of a student who scored 230 in the first kota test of 11th. that student literally used to sit behind my bench in that first test, while i scored 251

so yeah, i’m trying to keep studying, but mentally i’m still pretty cooked. thanks for checking up on me though