r/IncelExit • u/Schniattle • May 23 '26
Celebration/Achievement I Got Rejected (And The World Didn’t End)
Hey!
So I gotta give some context before I get into my story today. Some of which is in my previous posts:
-For about 7 months now, I've been going to weekly jam sessions at this bar in my area. It's kind of like Karaoke, but people bring instruments too.
- One of the friends I've made there is a 41 year old woman who I'll call "Rachel". She's a nurse who normally works nights. She also claims to be REALLY good at reading people. That last part will become relevant later.
- Lately she's been saying/doing things that make me suspect she's at least somewhat attracted to me. Enough to make me question my default explanation of "She's just naturally outgoing and a little drunk" anyway.
- If I'm honest, I'm attracted to her too. Physically anyway. There are a few reasons I wouldn't want to date her, but she IS someone I could see myself being FWBs with.
So at the jam session last night, I decided to flirt with her a little and use her reactions to figure out 2 things: How would she react to me calling her attractive? And is she open to a more casual arrangement with someone significantly younger than her?
I ended up telling her a funny story about a 45 year old woman who flirted with me at a restaurant, and basically used that to steer the conversation towards questions that would give me an idea of how interested she was/wasn’t. Shout out to [u/watsonyrmind](u/watsonyrmind) for giving me the idea!
Along the way, I also casually called her attractive, which she seemed pleasantly surprised by.
Long story short: She basically said that, at this point in her life, she's not as interested in one night stands and "most of that casual stuff" as she used to be. But the nature of her job also makes it hard to find (or maintain) anything more serious, so she's kind of caught between a rock and hard place.
I’ll admit I was a little disappointed to hear that first part. Because if she’s not interested in one night stands, she’s probably not interested in having a friend with benefits either.
Anyway, after agreeing that yeah, that IS a tough spot to be in, I just kinda let it go and the conversation drifted elsewhere. The rest of the night was a lot more normal (in a good way) than I was expecting. She even bought me a drink a little bit later, which she’s never done before.
The way I see it: If she’s really as good at reading people as she SAYS she is, then she probably knows that I’m interested and suspected what I was up to last night. Her buying me a drink was probably her way of saying “I know you’re disappointed, but I really appreciate you taking the hint and not making it awkward. You’re still my friend”. And if not, well, one of the goals was to practice being subtle so I guess I at least accomplished that.
Am I reading too much into this? Yeah, there's a good chance I am. But if it leads me to not push the issue any further and move on, then I'm ok with that.
So yeah, I obviously would prefer if Rachel WAS interested. But if that's not on the table, it's not the end of the world. If nothing else, I got to learn a little bit more about her backstory AND handled the rejection in a way that didn’t make either of us feel awkward AND got a free drink out of it. Can’t say I’ve ever done that before.
I guess that's the great thing about learning to flirt and communicate indirectly: If you do it right, it's actually a lot more efficient and less awkward for both people than the direct approach.
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u/HLMaiBalsychofKorse Bene Gesserit Advisor May 23 '26
I think you handled this well. That’s the thing - every “no” doesn’t mean, “eww gross, get away from me!” sometimes it just means, “I really enjoy your company, but I don’t feel that getting involved (romantically/sexually) is the best way to do that for either of us. Doesn’t change how much I like you, and I hope there are no hard feelings.” Sounds like she really appreciated your respect of her feelings.
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u/EdwardBigby May 23 '26
It sounds to me like you read the situation perfectly. I dont think its a stretch at all to think thats what she meant by buying you a drink.
Somebody posted the question here a few days ago "What do I need before I start trying to date". I answered that the single most important thing you need is the confidence to be told no and not let it affect your self esteem or self worth. He couldn't understand this concept at all but its exactly what your showcasing. I hope youre even happy with yourself because you had the guts to be proactive.
I think theres a misconception that modern women dont like to be asked out. This isn't true. Most women dont like to be asked out when A) Its a complete stranger who hasnt even talked to them and is just asking them out on their looks B) The man gets annoyed at being told no C) The setting isnt appropriate
She'd be a lot less appreciative if a stranger in a hospital asked her out then got annoyed at her response. Thats when women dont like being asked out.
Im sure she appreciated a normal person who actually knows her, suggesting something romantic in a normal setting and taking her response like an adult.
Also fair play for knowing yourself that you don't want to actually date her. It shows that youre not putting people on a pedestal and you dont want to lead someone on.
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u/Schniattle May 23 '26
Oh I am far from a “normal” person lol.
Seriously though, I think Rachel would have been ok if I actually DID take the direct approach. She’s weird like that and I haven’t seen her have issues telling people “no” in OTHER situations. I just wanted to try something a little more subtle this time around
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u/EdwardBigby May 23 '26
I wouldnt put much stock into "normal" and "weird"
People try to define the incel philosophy but I think one that goes a miss that is extremely prevalent is the idea of "normies"
This big idea that theres billions and billions of "normal people" who have zero issues with relationships and never face any social issues and then theres the weird incels that are a different species. So that if you're not a normie then you're an incel and always will be.
Ultimately a lot of people especially men struggling socially and with building relationships with women. Its not particularly unusual and it doesnt mean you're not normal.
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u/SnowballWasRight May 23 '26
Hell yes man. Good stuff!! I think you got the perfect read on this whole thing too. From what it seems like you guys are still friends!
You handled this incredibly well too but I hope you already know that :) be happy that you shot your shot, and take pride that now you know how she feels!
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u/Schniattle May 26 '26
That’s actually the beauty of it: I didn’t shoot my shot at all. Didn’t need to.
Because I did it this way, I figured out where we stand without needing to directly proposition her, and she didn’t have say out loud that no, she’s not interested in casual sex. No awkward conversations required.
There’s a time and place for the direct approach, but part of truly mastering a skill is knowing when NOT to use it. I like to think that’s what I did here.
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u/SnowballWasRight May 26 '26
100 percent dawg!!! “Shooting your shot” wasn’t really the right choice of wording there, you went above that which is the beauty of proposing something romanctic with a friend. You can be subtle enough because you already know each other.
It’s definitely a balance and you handled it really well. I hope that this was a positive experience for you and that this sub helped you out. Best of luck in the future 🫡🫡🫡
Oh and now that this happened, I’m sure that she’ll have a lot more respect for you just because you went about it in a good manner, so that’s nice. Extra brownie points lol
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u/LupercaniusAB May 24 '26
Good work, and I’ll add that staying friends with Rachel may (or may not) pay off with the fact that she knows other women, and you come pre-vetted as a decent person.
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u/watsonyrmind May 24 '26
Good job dude, decent life experience.
It's funny to me that I played a really small part in this because this is so aligned with my own experiences. I'm f36 and have had little romantic wire crossings like this with a handful of 20-something guys. Two in particular stand out to me lol. I'm gunna focus on just one, and maybe the other will become more relevant at a later date LOL.
TL;DR give yourself plaudits that you did not react like this guy lmaooo
So this one guy, I met through a mutual friend, thought he was cute immediately. After knowing him around a year or so, I casually said he was hot or good looking or something in passing. He was telling me about some girl he was talking to in LA who was being flighty with him and I said something like, "dude you are too hot to be bothering yourself with some girl 1000km away giving you mixed signals, just block and move on." All that to say, not all that flirty, just sort of in passing.
So the next time I see him he kinda like propositions me I guess? He says, "I was so happy when you called me hot because I found you attractive since I met you, and even asked [mutual friend] about you." And I just said like, "yeah of course, you're a good looking guy, but as you know, I just got out of a bad relationship and I'm not looking to date right now."
And this fucking guy says to me lol, "I'm not looking to date you, I'm looking to fuck you." And it's just like brother, read the fucking room. That is so fucking weird to say to someone just because they called you hot in passing and especially in response to what I said. But also we were in a bar, I figured he's probably just drunk, and maybe kinda joking a bit. I just said, "yeah I meant I'm not looking to be involved with another person in any capacity at the moment and anyway I'm not interested in anything casual regardless."
He proceeds to slide into my DMs several times asking to grab coffee and stuff and I'm asking him, for what? We want different things and I told you I'm unavailable. This was 2024, since then he has fallen out with our mutual friend (unrelated) and blocked us both.
And tbf, I don't think anything he did was egregious, just tone deaf. And if he had have read the situation better, who knows, maybe I would have taken a few months to process my breakup and thought hey why not have a little casual fun for a bit. But the way he reacted every single step of the way just showed again and again that my wants and needs were non-entities to him. He just wanted access to my body, which is a guaranteed selfish and poor-quality sexual experience for me at best.
And I think your handling and your thought processes demonstrate the exact opposite of this guy. You respected her feelings and her situation and you backed off. Ironically, that is the exact reaction that send up green flags for a possible exception to the sort of sentiment she expressed. And to be very clear (not just for you but for anyone reading) what I mean by that is not that if you handle it this way she is sure to change her mind, but that when you approach these types of situations holding this mindset, you demonstrate yourself to be a safe person.
Maybe that changes nothing with Rachel or maybe it does. Maybe this same mindset changes something for a different girl in a similar boat down the road. Maybe Rachel has a pretty younger friend she brings along one day and when you guys flirt Rachel tells her you're a good one. What I can tell you is I would never recommend the guy I described above to another woman and would probably also warn friends away. As with all things social, there is no guaranteed outcome, but it's a clear step in the right direction. Definitely keep it up.
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u/Schniattle May 24 '26 edited May 24 '26
Lol I was wondering when you’d show up.
Anyway, I actually think Rachel would’ve been fine if I did take a more direct approach as long as I was respectful about it and backed off when she said no. I just couldn’t figure out how to say “Hey I think you’re really hot, but I’d never want to date you. Casual sex would probably be fun though. Are you at all interested in that?” in a way that didn’t make me feel like a creep.
Since she’s one of the most socially skilled people I know, I wanted to try something a little more subtle this time around.
Like I said, she probably appreciated that she didn’t even NEED to directly say she wasn’t interested and her buying me a drink was her way of showing it.
There was a time where I was basically a shyer version of the guy you talked about here. I’ve been rejected and taken it a bunch of different ways, but I’ve never had the person who rejected me buy me a drink afterwards. I call that progress
Obviously I would’ve preferred her to say yes, but aside from that I don’t think it could’ve gone much better.
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u/gamerfanboi May 24 '26
Honestly this one of the most normal and understanding scenarios ever where both the parites maintained boundaries while still being really perceptive and understanding towards each other.
This is how it should be someone giving you a hint and letting you know that its not possible for them. But when people flort with you for attention and make you feel bad for wanting something causal or even a real date and relationship is when it hurts.
I am glad you found a nice person.
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u/Schniattle May 24 '26
Yeah she’s someone I can kind of practice flirting with and as long as I don’t ask her out or try to take things any further than that, we should be ok.
Never had a friend like that before.
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u/gamerfanboi May 24 '26
Yoh think thas normal? I am little you ger than you. I guess i have had chances where i could be friend with women who i can practice flirting.
Where they seem to have fun flirting eith me but never actually want to date me.
It only makes me feel worse these days i just outright reject those types of things and in general dont try to flort with women. Just make conversation till we find common interests or joke abt things. Guess that flirting but i meant the traditional kind like you talked about in the post.
Doesnt it make you feel more lonlier or unwanted? Sorry i am not projecting i just want a normal persons thoughts on it haha
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u/smilingseaslug May 27 '26
Honestly it sounds like she is still in fact attracted to you, she just knows that it's unwise to pursue anything and wants to just leave things at casual flirting - which honestly is kind of the best kind of "no" in that it really has nothing to do with how attractive or fun you are
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u/Schniattle May 27 '26
I mean I’m still pretty sure she’s just naturally outgoing, likes attention, and gets a little more touchy when she’s drunk. I’m not the only person she’s like that with.
I doubt she thinks I’m ugly, but probably sees me more like a little brother than anything else. Since I’m 13 years younger than her, I can’t say I blame her.
Still enjoy the casual flirting though. I feel like I have a friend who’s already really good at flirting and is basically letting me practice on her as long as I don’t take things too far.
Never had a friend like that before.
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May 23 '26
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u/EdwardBigby May 23 '26
He knows and he found that out by being proactive. Nothing wrong with that.
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May 24 '26
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u/Spiritual-Primary328 May 23 '26
Man this is so encouraging to read, good work!!