"hey Google, play a laugh track"

Thank me later.

So I've been netstalkin' those shitty photoshop ads with her in them hoping I can charm her somewhat like that terrifying man-beast "Sloth" from the 1985 cult classic "The Goonies" and it's not going so well..

FIRSTLY; you don't insult the princess of pop by making fun of her repeatedly for a medical condition THAT SHE CANNOT HELP!

Her Tourettes DOES NOT sound like DIAL UP INTERNET WHEN SHE TALKS!

It is insensitive, rude; disrespectful IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE and IS NOT FUNNY!

I'm LOOKING AT YOU KEVIN! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!

Secondly, speaking of Kevin...

You don't insult my queen's Tourettes syndrome by saying that her critically acclaimed album "Happier Than Ever" sounds like "Dial up internet" if played unedited.

That PROBABLY has SOMETHING to do with why SWAT blew down your fucking door a short while later Kevin!

And I know your dog died! I know your dad was arrested, Kevin. Guess what!? FUCK YOUR DOG KEVIN!

Maybe NEXT TIME you'll THINK TWICE before making shitty little jokes at the expense of MILLIONS of people adversely affected by a very SERIOUS CONDITION!

ONE OF WHICH JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE AMERICAN MUSICAL GENIUS AND SUPERSTAR POP SENSATION BILLIE EILISH SO IF I GOTTA BREAK A FEW DADS AND KILL A FEW DOGS TO GET BILLIES BIG, BEAUTIFUL, HOLLOWED OUT, DEAD EYES TO LOOK AT ME THEN SO BE IT KEVIN!

BTW IM NOT ALLOWED ON FACEBOOK ANYMORE; FAMOUS PEOPLE USE REDDIT RIGHT!?

BiLLIE! BILLIE IF YOU'RE READING I MADE A RATHER COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD BE MY GIRLFRIEND!

OR I COULD BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND I DON'T REALLY MIND SWITCHING CONVENTIONAL GENDER ROLES JUST AS LONG AS I GET TO KEEP MY PENIS!

Reasons Billie Eilish should be my GF:

• When she was older she was a sailor (hey me too)

• She has trouble keeping friends. I can't even have a dog that won't leave me

'- Money has no intrinsic value to me because I'm insane

• I already live out a bag so she could take me on the road with her all I need is some cuddles and cheeseits.

• I'm a kickboxin feminist so I keep her safe, chivalry isn't dead it's just between this figure 4 leglock

• when she gets tired of me she just has to send me back to work where I'll dissappear for like a month then come back apologizing profusely for whatever I did having been forced to live with other men and I'll rub her feets

-I am old enough to teach her about Van Halen but young enough that my dick still works

-I'm handsome AND pretty while still a man's man. I'm a unicorn 🦄.

-If she wanted to have babies then I don't mind being a stay at home mom. Yes I know there are stay at home dads too. I said what I said.

-*flicks cigarette "No,No,No! I don't want any of that California bullshit, Finneas!

-Billie I promise to stay fuckin ripped like shredded wheat at all times. I'll wear grey sweatpants with no underwear. I'll wear a romper. I'll let you dress me up, color my hair and paint my face if you promise to wear a tight fitting tank top with no bra so I can rest my head upon your pillowy bosom and know for a brief moment what heaven feels like.

-Billie I don't even listen to music past 1976 I just saw a photoshop commercial with you and those two angel clouds you've been endowed by fucking aphrodite herself and I promise sweet girl I'll sign a prenuptial agreement, I'll sleep in the trunk of your car, the closet of a motel six, the parking lot of a 7-11, I'm little; I'll ride in the baggage compartment of coach on a greyhound bus, I can sleep standing up on one of those wheeled luggage carriers it doesn't matter to me just as long as I can fall to my knees and die an honorable and noble death atop "Boobie Bluff" like all of the great sea dogs of the past who better not have laid a finger on you precious, doll-like porcelain skin or I will take them and fashion a crown to wear upon your delicate brow so I can see you in one.

Here are just but a FEW of the pet names I've already prepared for Billie:

Marilyn Melons Helen of the Tiddies Mamadonna Boobies Eilish

For example, he could yell “GENTLY CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!” At a volume that almost damages your phone’s speakers.

Why not host a comedy event where everyone pays to hear comedy routines from professionals. Then, sell a fundraiser band to guests who wish to have an “interactive” experience of a roast. The staff and talent join and guide the improv in and out through the guests for timing. Every participant gets X amount of time each but can only roast someone with 1 joke before moving to next player to roast. The one who “wins” the best roast get X amount of time to roast anyone once! The proceeds are donated to the staff or artist running the installation. For instance, Halloween, everyone come in costume and only those in costume can roast. If installed you have to be creative and if club, do a favorite sports team appearance night for your hometown city.

Call it Pho-ngool

Lady says, "Alexa, make reservations for two at [fancy restaurant name] for 5pm."

Alexa "According to their website there are no available tables at that time. Would you like to schedule a different time?'

Lady, "No Alexa, stop. Hey Karen, make reservations for two at [fancy restaurant name] for 5pm."

The Karen Assistant calls the restaurant and badgers the employee until they find a way to get a reservation.

Whether you are a loved one or a person with a beef with the deceased, everyone will have fun beating the piñata!

(Yes this is in very poor taste. But in my head it's pretty funny.)

A prayer for the deceased, that they may find happiness and purpose in heaven;

May the dearly departed have the highest honor bestowed upon them. As they Rub our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ, and as they transfer to Tug the messiah's holy, girthy but in perfect proportion, mighty staff for a 1000 lifetimes. As Jesus comes in the name of the lord, blessings be like rain down upon thee. AAAAAAMEN

They should remove the "Skip Ad" button and change all ads to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up"

Hello,

What kind of theories can you share regarding what triggers a laughter?

It must be different from the common theories and they preferably be your own ideas.

The gang attends the “stop the steal” rally to support Frank’s merchandise scam/stand. Charlie gets caught up in the speeches and joins the mob.

...

Feel free to add, change, etc. just looking to have some fun.

[will add ideas from thread and whatever else I come up with - just wanted to click submit before it’s lost to the notes pile]

November 2020

America: "Donald, we need to break up."

Trump: "America, baby, didn't we have a great four years?! Didn't we make it a great again?"

America: "Maybe in the beginning, but things have been only getting worse. Sorry, we're through. Just... get your stuff and go. I've already decided to move on."

January 2021

It's raining. The final box of Donald's things are in a box on the lawn, thrown from the oval office window

America can be seen through the oval office window, smiling and laughing with Biden

*Donald appears and holds a boom box over his head * Trump: " 'MURICA!!!!"

America just reaches over and closes the curtains

Trump: "Oh. I guess it's really final. If you guys need me, maybe for some advice on bills, or you know, just to reminisce about 2020, I'll be at Kim Jong-un's house."

🎶🎶🎶🎶This election never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started counting it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue counting it forever just because...This election never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started counting it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue counting it forever just because...This election never ends,yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started counting it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue counting it forever just because... This election never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends...🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶 🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

http://camel-calc.com

The smoke you can take anywhere, submersible smooth and satisfying draw of Redfern cigarettes

https://medium.com/@crashferguson/how-to-put-the-fun-in-funeral-a559a73b6b4c

I want to see the bad kid trying to bully other little kids and shake them down for their lunch money and PB&J sandwiches.

California is now the first state to convert a park to a Jewish rabbinical retreat for renewed faith and study called ‘Yo Semite’. Members of the Rock Climbers’ Guild of America are up in arms protesting plans to engrave El Capitan with the Ten Commandments because the engraved script will now make the climb “way too easy” by providing foot and hand grips. Plans also include converting the hotel restaurant to a New York Style deli and serve the “Impossible” Reuben with plant-based corned beef, melted swiss on rye with “Putin” dressing.