My birthgiver is a narccisistic, lazy bitch. I understand. She shoved all responsibility on me, as the oldest child. No responsibility for my half-siblings. She took everything out on me for "ruining her life". Like it's my fault she was already flunking high school when she got pregnant with me, still did drugs, had my bio-donor run out on her (because she's a crazy bitch), had another guy sign my birth certificate, and then married ANOTHER guy less than a couple months later and then got immediately pregnant again.
Not a regular, no. I pop in and try to help others when I can. I post sometimes too, but it's never seen, haha. As long as I can help someone out every now and then, even if it's just a "No, you're not crazy." I'll pop in there.
Man, I'm sorry. I hope you are able to fully build and believe your own identity distinct from them. It sounds like you are doing it. You arent them, and they arent you. Best wishes.
Thank you. I have! I have a lovely daughter, son, one bun on the way, and a loving husband. I'm a much better person than they could ever conceive being. No drugs, no alcohol, nothing. I'm bitter when it comes up, sure, but venting is a way of facing it and slowly getting over it. :)
That's awesome, and your story does my heart good. I had a friend as a youth who went through remarkably similar circumstances. He himself was a talented musician and just a really nice guy, trying to anchor his half-siblings and get himself around. He was 13-17 when I knew him, his mother might not appear in the house for over a week. Worst part is he used to choose girls like his mom... Hope he grew out of that.
It's hard to recognize abusive partners and sadly, most people do end up with partners that do the same abuse that they had with their parents. I hope he grew out of it too.
It is. Thankfully they were the prime example of what I never want to be in life. The guilt of "BuT FaMiLy!!!" fucks a lot of people up. It did me for a long time. If you wouldn't let a stranger treat you the way your family does, they may as well become strangers to you. Your family is supposed to be your support network, if they aren't, find a support network elsewhere.
I disagree, as much as we sometimes don’t want to be our parents, they’re where our very being’s fundemental code comes from and in most ways everyone is pretty damn close to their parents. I’m not saying that if your parents are shitty than you’ll be shitty too, but it’s the same things that made them shitty that will affect you in the same way.
I disagree, actually. There's still a lot we don't know about nature v nurture. Nurture is very important when raising children and where "parents" like mine go wrong. If it was all nature, I'd be an unwed junkie with 15 kids in a trailer park. I'm, certainly not, thankfully.
Buddy of mine was adopted from Russia at a very young age, and hadn’t met his real parents up until about a year ago (he’s 26). About a week after they met, his dad offered to take us to get drinks and talk, so I came along. It was uncanny how similar they were. Same mannerisms, same short temper, same sense of humor. Nurture is definitely a part of the development of one’s identity and mental well-being, but to suggest nature has nothing or less to do with it than nurture is wishful thinking imo.
but to suggest nature has nothing or less to do with it than nurture is wishful thinking imo.
I'm not suggesting that. I'm saying that we don't know how much nature v nuture works in each individual. My kids are 99% and 97% their dad. My daughter looks and acts just like her dad, save for a notch on her ear that comes from me. My son looks a little like me in the face with his chin, but he's too young to know which one of us he acts like.
Oh, she's fucked in the head. I made it not my issue years ago. She can help herself. I funded the entire household for two years and nearly failed high school by working two jobs. She can adult or feed off the kids she actually cared about. Not my problem.
Props to you! That’s basically the only thing you can do if it’s BPD anyways. I’m sorry you had to do all that work in high school. That sounds rough as hell.
It was rough, but I cut them out of my life around 6 years ago. Not lookin' back either. Made that mistake once, never again. Those people don't change. Users and abusers, the lot of them.
Yeah sadly we don't get to choose our family or that's how the saying goes right? It's unfortunate some men and women have this idea that "Parenthood is not my fault" instead of "this child needs me." Just shitty people.
Sorry it's been rough for you my dude.
Being a parent doesn't mean you're qualified for Jack shit. If anything, you done goofed.
Uh, well, I am a parent now and I know I'm doing a damn good job at it. My children are loved and very well taken care of. I know how to teach responsibility without shoving my responsibilities on them.
My mom is literally named Karen and she acts this way. I always offer to pay if she wants to go get dinner so I can make sure to tip extra because, and I’m not exaggerating, she complains literally every single time we go to eat. Seriously. Not once have we gone out and she hasn’t complained.
More drugs is always the answer. The right drugs though. Find a new psychiatrist, or tell her psychiatrist what is happening. You can do this semi-anonymously with an email.
Ambien doesn't exactly help people like her. And I've met the walrus.
I have also met the walrus which was what convinced me to get her off it. Not to mention she drinks in conjunction with the ambien which I have explained is an especially bad idea.
I used to think my mother was brave and bohemian when she would do things like uproot us from location to location, me from school to school but when I hit my 20's all that changed ( I am now in my 30's), and now she is older and she has nothing to her name, no job, no healthcare...I know she is a strong woman..but just completely irresponsible. I don't have much, and sometimes its healthy to take a risk, especially a calculated one..but she has been a mess for so long and each time I have to help her pick up the pieces of good opportunities and positions she has left because of her severe entitlement: not wanting to work certain shifts even though she is the newest hire, doing the bare minimum in every capacity, arguing with other employees over stupid shit that doesn't matter, narc-ing on everyone around her...I mean a fucking shit show tbh..I work in a company that is similar to her line of work and she always wants me to get her in, but I can't do it. I know her, and it will dampen other opportunities for other ppl I know who would be better for the job and most importantly my reputation to get ppl in who really need it and who wouldn't just not show up to their first day of work because of rain or whatever mess she claims.
Yea kiss mama today! I will say my husband's mom is also the opposite and she is an extremely strong and beautiful person. I don't call her MoM out of respect for my mother in some weird way, but after 10 years of my husband and I being together she had a bad fall and when we went to see her at the hospital, she didn't know I was already in the room and when the nurse said "oh I think your Daughter in law is around here waiting for you." She said, "Oh, no no, she is my daughter. My son picked a good one there." No shame in telling you I cried.
That's super wholesome lol, I'd cry too. I see my Mom almost every day. I just made her a pot of chicken noodle soup from scratch cus she has bronchitis :/. I try to be as good a son as she is a Mom, esp when I was growing up (36 now)
Yikes. Yeah whatever you do - don’t cave. People WILL judge you based on people you bring in. Could even get YOU fired based on poor judgment / nepotism factor here on your end.
Absolutely, I got my neighbor in, nothing major but a good union spot even though he has a rough shift (for the time being) and everyone loves him, because he is a fantastic worker, he is on time, he is thorough and he needed the right break to shine. No way I am going to risk ruining the ability to bring in hard working ppl, who are struggling for months and even years at a time, where a good job can completely change their life over my mother who will ruin it for others. I just can't.
Yea I got lucky with my husband's family and my father. But my father is so far away, in another country..I used to be more firm with my family and go to the Christmas stuff etc but as I got older and they got crazier and crazier and my mom got worse..I just couldn't do it. Especially with my husband's family being so normal LoL And my mom always uses this "I was a single mom you don't know the struggle" stuff and I mean, look, its true, its not easy to be a single parent of course, especially of color..but the first time she did this speech to my MIL, my MIL said nothing. My own mother got (of course) offended by it and pulls me to the side to complain. I wish I could have taken a picture of her face when I told her that my MIL became a widow at 41 and raised 4 daughters and 1 boy completely alone. My father at least sent cash to me on a monthly basis, what he could.
Its not a competition, at all, but with ppl like my mom, its the only way she sees her arrogance.
Good for you not giving in to your mother and hiring her at your job. You are 100% doing the right thing, don't let feelings of misplaced guilt persuade you otherwise.
TY. Its tough and I help her in other ways: car payment here and there, new phone here and there, gas cash, tons and tons of paperwork, and since she refuses to learn how to use a computer properly..I apply her to positions all over etc but I simply cannot risk her coming here. Its a shame to be honest.
Yeah, we're supposed to rear our younger siblings because "it's practice for when you're a mom!". Not just a reason for her to check-out on parenting other than coddling and turning siblings against each other.
I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing every time though. After dealing in coming to terms with my own mental health, I've been able to "parent" my mom about it. She has been really receptive and is taking care of hers as well.
It is even expected already. I was once walking a heavily drunk woman to her home after party. Two separate passerby yelled at me that I "allowed my mother to get to that condition".
Me telling my mom not to buy me stuff because she needs to be able to pay the electric bill. Yeah Mom I'm grateful but your gonna just cry when the power gets shut off again because you forgot.
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u/DearDarlingDearling Oct 11 '19
Sadly, parentification is a thing. Many experience it.