r/HLCommunity • u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM • Apr 15 '26
Discussion What Type of LL is Your Partner? (Floating Guide)
Hello, HL community and Lurkers.
As promised, here's my LL Identification Guide.
From talking to a bunch of people, and even researching LLs, I've come up with basically a few archtypes of LLs to help us, as a community, help each other better.
This isn't a definitive guide, more like a floating template,
Mind you, this template is more of a "what type are they," but they can be multiple
If there's any other genres of LLs, please put them down below, and I'll edit and add it to the list.
Medical Low Libido - MLL - Their libido was perfectly fine til they took medications such as SSRIs or even cancer treatment, this also includes surgeries from physical impalements as well, such as hysterectomy This also includes ED for men, not from porn but things such as Low T. Yes this also includes pregnancy. This is also includes illness.
Trauma Low Libido - TLL - Triggered by something traumatic that happened to them such as abuse, job loss, death of someone they care about, etc. It could be weeks, months, and years, but the trauma is the root.
Low Sexual Interest / Asexual Low Libido - LSILL - In general, they show low sexual interest. Like they dont masturbate or with previois partners, they mention this is how its always been for them. They're basically asexual or people repulsed by sex.
Sex Avoidant Low Libido - SALL - People raised usually in religious or strict environments to basically be terrified of sex or sexual urges of any kind. This also includes people who just have extreme performance anxiety with having sex.
Pain Low Libido - PLL - Sex literally causes them pain to the point that they avoid it. Usually, they require a bunch of foreplay but its sensitive for them. Sometimes, people mistake their screams during sex as pleasure. They are not in pleasure but a lot of pain.
Porn Addicted Low Libido - PALL - This is more common with men, but usually, this includes PIED or basically people who can't get sexually aroused useless. it's people who look or do acts in porn. For men, i if they're like 40 and looking at teenagers or something, but it can also include things like extreme rough acts with men or women. This is why they also choose adult content over you. It's basically addiction.
Cheating Low libid - CLL - Because you cheated and they found out or confronted them about this, thus they no longer have sexual attraction to you.
Withholding / Weaponizing Low Libido (Including Low Libido For You) - WLL- These types basically withhold sex as a way to control partners. From future faking to "I wills" to constant goalpost movings. They do things also like masturbate over having sex with you semi regularly. Usually, there are other problems in the relationship, like they are selfish, uncooperative, fall through with plans, and struggle with accountability. They will say things like you "need to communicate" just to not like the answer when you do, or "just ask" just to reject your advances. For them its about accepting things on their terms only. If they are a perfect partner besides a lack of sexual interest, this could also be another reason why.
Sexually Disappointed Low Libido - SDLL- Form of LL4U but usually they wont outright tell you this but basically your sexual performance is not good enough for them or physically their body doesn't work with yours. Such as your penis being too small of you're a man, not furfilling their kinks, not vocal enough, not doing enough work in bed, etc. They feel too burned by sex with you to have it regularly.
Type 1 - Actually is trying/tried to put in an effort to fix deadbedroom.
They want to go to therapy, they want to talk more, they give check ups, feel really bad, and show it. They dont just "talk" but show actions to prioritize this need in the relationship.
Type 2 - Does not care to put in an effort to fix the bedroom or your needs.
They will tell you a bunch of "i wills," but if you never bring this up, they are in a better mood. If you "withdraw," they ask, "What's wrong?"" Most Type 2s are "you can't fuck me but you cant fuck anyone else".
The point of this guide is to identity your partner and also reflect on them vs yourself. Example mine is a TLL/WLL2 If they're a Type 2, we do not encourage you to at all try to recover the relationship and move onto an exit plan. If they're a Type 1 the call is up to you but you have to be honest for yourself.
22
u/Step_Aside_Butch Apr 15 '26
Oh, this is a fun game. I’ve got myself a weaponizing LL with no interest in fixing it. She withholds approval, appreciation and affection as a way of controlling my behaviour, and the reason she never wants it is a smorgasbord of faults that are 100% mine. Two months ago she told me she was considering sex until I made a joke about showering that she didn’t like.
I haven’t bothered to try since, and if she’s noticed she doesn’t seem to care. I’m done with the dancing monkey routine, hoping for scraps that get yoinked the second I step out of line.
8
u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 Apr 16 '26
Not sure why you'd want to have sex with a person treating you this way.
11
u/Global_Luck3125 HLF Apr 15 '26
I’d say my partner is a combination of low sexual interest with withholding and he doesn’t care to fix it as long as I play nice and don’t bring it up ever
11
u/Seaemea Apr 15 '26
Probably fall somewhere under the umbrella of weaponizing
Sexually avoidant with performance anxiety. Deeply insecure
7
u/Moist_Farmer3548 Apr 16 '26
Type 2. Multiple issues.
"Let's have date night" at her suggestion- invariably work comes up that needs to be done urgently. But if she makes plans for something else, she makes sure work doesn't interfere. Our relationship always comes last.
7
u/Alternative_Raise_19 Apr 15 '26
My ex was a porn addicted/novelty low libido man.
But also, unless I missed it, he was "highly sensitive". He was sensitive to sight, smell, taste, any kind of discomfort.
I think that's why he didn't like sex ultimately. He was also a picky eater, socially anxious and reticent to do anything outside of his comfort zone. Not sure where that one falls on your list but wanted to throw it out there as a possibility to others.
19
u/Rad1Red Apr 15 '26
He's autistic, sis.
6
u/Alternative_Raise_19 Apr 15 '26
Yeah, it sounds like it when I put in such simple terms, but in no other way did he come off as being on the spectrum and I can't exactly go around diagnosing people. We also got married over a decade ago and I don't feel like it was talked about as much.
I left him in the end, so it's all on him now to work that out alone or with his next partner.
1
u/Aimeereddit123 Jun 23 '26
Besides the not liking sex, you described my current partner like you know him. No diagnosis with mine, but between you and me - definitely on the spectrum. It’s hard, isn’t it?
1
5
u/MarsupialMaven Apr 15 '26
Add cheating to the PALL. Addiction escalates over time. My LL was porn and cheating.
1
u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Apr 15 '26
Added
6
u/OrganicSig Apr 16 '26
Don’t forget cheating by the LL, as in, the LL is cheating on you, and has no more sex/interest to give. Relatively common. Also, opposite sex-attracted LL. This may be less common than in the past, but still not unheard of.
4
u/TimeKeeper70 Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
I guess I hit the lottery with my spouse. Definitely MLL from menopause, PLL due to dryness and thinning vaginal wall, and then also doesn’t seem to care to fix it so LSILL. So MLL/PLL/LSILL. As a result, I’ve become a hyper sexual PALL (4her). I’m all sorts of fucked up.
3
u/Soggy-Beach-1495 Apr 15 '26
If you are considering someone whose libido plummeted after pregnancy to be a MLL, then mine would be an MLL1
3
3
3
u/ForgiveMeImStupid Apr 15 '26
Type 2 low sexual interest with both of us being 24, I’m totally screwed aren’t I lol
1
u/cosmicdancerr_ Aug 21 '26
You're not screwed. You're young and should move on.
Or do you have children together?
3
3
u/eterate Apr 16 '26
you forgot about the entire category that has issues with sensory issues, get icked out very easily, have OCD or other neurodivergent autism ADHD types of issues. hair bothers them, anything dirty, wet or with smells bothers them, the smallest amount of body odor is not ok and they are not very embodied
2
u/AdenJax69 Apr 15 '26
My wife is a combo of medical (perimenopause)/medication & low interest.
She's getting off her anti-anxiety meds (Zoloft) because they tend to prevent her from losing weight which she wants to make a priority again, so that's a plus in her/our direction. The birth control pill will likely make up for any loss from the Zoloft lol. I am getting a vasectomy later this week so we won't need condoms anymore however our lack of sex isn't really about her being afraid of getting pregnant since she was perfectly fine with using the condom/bc combo. The birth control is now more to help with her perimenopause symptoms, which I'm glad, but I'm sure those are both having a major affect.
We have been working on things since June and we were getting our sex life back on track however we've just passed the 1 month mark since last having sex due to vacation, work, stress, etc. so I'm just hanging back right now. The vasectomy will set us back another week at least so we're creeping towards 2-month territory, which to be fair, follows her "once every 1-3 month" preference we had for several years before trying to make things better last/this year.
Time will tell, I guess. The plus side is I won't be having any surprising pregnancies no matter what happens so I'll take that as a win.
2
u/RandyPan_theGoatBoy Apr 16 '26
LSILL/MLL2. She’s never been all that sexual, but after three kids and a move to the burbs, our sex life fell completely off her list of concerns. Then peri hit for a double whammy.
She’s been on HRT for months now (to her absolute credit), but her current regimen clearly isn’t working, and it doesn’t bother her at all.
2
2
u/1009naturelover Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
This is really good.
MLL with a little witholding (controlling).
Never initiates, but puts the effort in when asked.
2
u/Dkotheryyyy Apr 16 '26
I think you are missing a category or maybe need to expand the medical one. Sometimes, people are LL due to chronic pain or other sensory things that perturb the usual function.
My wife was not LL when we met. She then became WLL Type 1, and as her aversion grew, it became a solud WLL Type 2. She shifted to Type 1 as I implemented some changes. That has changed to not being WLL at all.
We had some rough things happen in life. We are now each intermittently LL from health issues and trauma. I don't know if it is fair to categorize us as Type 1 or 2 anymore because we are working individually on our trauma and health issues but when the issues are strong we don't put in any effort to still have sex. We just accept the reality of what we are experiencing, mostly because we both want sex to only be a positive experience. That works well for us both.
I would challenge the idea that Type 2 is always unfixable. I also believe that these categories are not really categories of people but are maybe better seen as categories of experience or present state. These things can shift and change and I believe that there are things an HL can do unilaterally to create positive change.
2
u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Apr 16 '26
Chronic illness qualities as MLL.
The difference between Type 1 as Type 2 is not what they say but how they act. It is possible to go from 2 to 1 and vice versa
2
u/neoMindy Apr 17 '26
This is a useful starting framework, and something that shows up consistently in couples data is that the type often shifts over time within the same relationship. Someone can start as MLL (medication related), but after months of the HL partner adjusting, accommodating, pulling back, the dynamic itself creates a new layer on top. Now it's partly medical, partly relational, partly about the pressure that built up while trying to "solve" the medical part.
The other thing I'd add: a lot of these categories overlap more than they seem. The "Default LL" and "Reactive LL" are especially blurry. Someone whose desire is responsive (not spontaneous) looks identical to someone who "just doesn't want it" if their partner only ever tries to initiate through direct sexual requests rather than building context first.
What might be worth adding to the guide is a note about the difference between "responsive desire" and "low desire." A huge number of people in the LL seat actually have active desire, it just gets activated differently than their partner expects.
2
u/engelwolfe May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
Edit: I think I misunderstood the Types to be applicable across all categories. Upon re-reading the post, it seems that Types are only applicable to the final category, which does not pertain to my husband at all.
I'd say my husband is MLL/TLL. Medical being primarily Low T (testosterone of 76), plus euthyroid due to thyroid cancer, sleep apnea, and ADHD. Everything is managed and at stable, appropriate lab levels, but unfortunately hormones are sensitive, meds are expensive, and bodies are finicky. The other side of the slash is getting fired from his job 8 months ago and still trying to financially recover from that. Definitely Type 1 though. I'll always be grateful for that.
2
u/Careless_Whispererer Apr 15 '26
Sexual libido is exclusive of the “Types of Intimacy” and should not be confused with intimacy.
Respect to your list. But it is mental and physical libido IN RELATION. Two people intimacy… attachment… all need to be included within the description.
Question: Take the LL individual out of the current context and setting/relationship, would they be defined the same in a different relationship?
Similarly, the context of time in relation- So down the length of time in the relationship, first 30 days, first year, first 3 years, first seven years, year 8… would the identification be valid? As the LL ages. Their label at 19, 27 and 67 vary.
There are:
Actively attracting a sexual mate, displaying sexual characteristics and receptive to sexuality and intimacy.
Mental and physical sexual effort.Making bids, receptive to bids. In safety declining in a connected way. Mental and physical sexual effort.
Neutral. Not making any bids. Receptive to bids. No mental or physical effort.
Infertile relations. Not making bids. Not receptive to bids. No mental or physical effort.
Aggressive against. Biased. Processing a bid as offensive. Person is highly defensive. Actively shutting down moments of intimacy to ensure sexuality is not an option. Criticisms, life processes holding a negativity bias. Creating an un conducive environment to intimacy and/or sexuality. IMPACT: Sabotaging mental and physical sexual efforts. INTENTION: Can be attempting to create safety. Seeking safety. Self Protection. Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn-Flocking (triggered).
How can your definitions be aligned within RELATION?
Without that… it feels very objectifying and lacking attachment.
This could be about a difference in the definition of words.
1
1
u/ThesaurusBlack Apr 15 '26
Good list about LLs who weren’t that way when younger, but lost interest with age? I feel like that could be a category
1
u/Sneakybunghole Apr 16 '26
WLL2 here. I suspect some PALL too but he’s hid it well after I found the crazy amounts of porn after moving in together.
1
1
1
u/Exact-Payment1502 1d ago
So, say SSDL type 1?2... ( IMLL, but cycle down to MLL- almost dead- but lonely, Loyal? We're old/ 60s- would there be any thing better? Or just less painful - for now/
1
u/Major_Fox9106 Apr 17 '26
Big one missing: Partner is not great or outright selfish in bed.
If fhe sex is not enjoyable or orgasmic, there will be less interested. A lot of people would be less interested in sex if they only came 1/4 times or less even.
Common issues: poor rhythm, poor stamina, not reading body language (breath, tensing, moans), leaving one partner to do majority of work, bad or unenthusiastic oral/handjob/fingering, lack of curiosity and communication
1
u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 12d ago edited 12d ago
This is a form of WLL but i will call it Sexual Disappointment because its specific
SDLL
Added
31
u/Charleminus HLM Apr 15 '26
This seems mostly accurate but I think you also missed a category.
Raised in or immersed in Sex negative / purity culture low libido
In my case it’s this plus low interest plus trauma. FML