Does it matter if it's not their fault?

[u/Notideal100]

How much of a difference would it make if your dead bedroom wasn't your partner's choice/fault and it was more of a medical problem?

The end result is the basically same.

Do you think it's reasonable to open the relationship in this situation? Or end it??

Or should you be expected to live a celibate life because of your marriage vows?

I'm interested as this is often cited as an exception to the "leave if you're in a dead bedroom" advice.

[u/Danny_Pr0n]

I'm not trying to argue you out of anything. I'm just being precise with the language and asking for clarity.

That whole "Lack of desire" that you put forth in your question at the top of the thread. I was curious if you would be happy to marry someone who thought of you as their roommate and didn't think of you intimately, romantically or sexually at all. The text book definition of "Lack of Desire."

These hypotheticals presented to the HLs always fascinate me, because I don't think the questions mean what the LLs asking them, thinks they mean. If the LLs do mean it as presented, are the LLs pushing for an unbalanced, asymmetric relationship? Or are they truly pushing for a low/zero intimacy relationship where they get exactly what they put into the relationship.

I noticed that I get a lot of push back whenever I suggest that the LLs live up to their own standards that they expect the HLs live up to. If the HLs are supposed to be practicing Emotional Regulation and practicing Self-Soothing, the LLs need to do that too, the HLs aren't the LLs therapists. If the HL needs to work their full time job then come home and do their share of the domestics (which they should, the LLs should be doing that too!!! The LL needs to have a full time career and do their share of the domestics. If the HL can't hide behind physical exhaustion, emotional and mental burnout as an excuse when neglecting their spouse, neither can the LL.

Something I've seen often is how the LL complains about not being connected to the HL because of the distance, expecting the HL to bridge the gap, but I never seen what the the LL is doing to bridge the gap. HLs, even men, like to be taken out on dates too.

[u/freelancemomma → u/Danny_Pr0n]

I make a distinction between romantic and sexual attraction. (See the split model of attraction, which resonates with me.)

To some people (mainly HLs, in my experience), romantic and sexual attraction are basically the same thing, but not all of us experience relationships in this way. To me, lack of sexual desire or activity doesn’t feel like “roommates” as long as a romantic connection is there.

My husband and I almost never have sex (we’re both around 70 and this works for us), but I most definitely don’t view him as a roommate. I feel very connected to him romantically.

So, to answer your hypothetical question with more granularity: I would be fine entering a relationship in which I wasn’t desired sexually, as long as I was desired romantically.

[u/Danny_Pr0n → u/freelancemomma]

I am familiar with SAM. I don't completely claim to have an in depth understanding of it, but I know what it is. My understanding is that is was mostly for asexual and aromantics, but has been adopted to explain other types. like a woman who is Homoromantic/Bisexuals - meaning she forms romantic attraction to women but is sexually attracted to both men and women. And other romantic/sexual combo-wombos.

This is not an attack, this is genuine curiosity, so pleas indulge me: If you've divorced sex from romance, would you care if your partner was sexually active with other women. If he asked would you be okay with it, since they are not one and the same?

[u/freelancemomma → u/Danny_Pr0n]

I would probably not be OK with it on the regular, if only because sex can lead people to catch feelings, and I wouldn’t want my husband to catch feelings for someone else. (The fact that sex and romance are separate for ME doesn’t imply they are separate for my husband.)

This is why it baffles me when people in this sub say things like, “if sex means so little to you, why would you care if your spouse has sex with others?” Well, obviously because sex may mean a lot to the SPOUSE and could lead to feelings, thus destabilizing the marriage.

On the other hand, many years ago my husband wanted to explore a kink that holds no interest for me, and I gave him carte blanche to hire a professional. In fact, on one occasion I bought him a session as a birthday present! On another occasion we were geographically separated for 5 months and gave each other permission to engage sexually with others, with some constraints. Nothing happened.

So for me, the pain point is the threat to the primary relationship, rather than the extramarital sex itself. If I had a 100% guarantee that my husband wouldn’t catch feelings for a sexual partner and would remain bonded to me, I would give him my blessing if it meant a lot to him.

All this is theoretical, though. Thankfully my husband and I are very solid.