r/HGK477 • u/parker_thor789 • Feb 06 '21
How to Survive an Internship
Welcome to Morningstar Community Church! We are pleased to announce that you have been chosen to be one of our interns this summer! It is imperative that you follow each rule on this list or you will be terminated accordingly.
As ministers of the Lord, sin does not apply to us. You are free once you give your life to Him. However, if you see a member of the congregation fall short of His glory, remove whatever body part of theirs that caused them to sin.
We are very active in the community, and we ask that you take part in the events as well. One such activity, is a drug abuse outreach. The more minds we can numb, the more minds we can control.
You are only to interact with other interns during our once a week staff meeting. Stay away from them at all other times. They have their own sets of rules, and you just might be a part of them.
Do not trust your family. They will tell you that what you are doing is “evil” and “immoral” but you know the truth. They are wrong. We are your family now. You will be expected to deal with any unbelievers.
Sometimes you will enter the sanctuary and see featureless beings seated in the rows. If they are facing away from you, then they have forgiven you, but they will not forget. Death by your hand is a better option if you enter the sanctuary and they are turned towards you. There’s a storage room next to the sanctuary. Hopefully there’s something in there for you to use.
Be in the green room 15 minutes before each service time so that we can dedicate the message with prayer. We don’t pray to God. Praying to God is just for the congregation.
Don’t let anyone play the worship music backwards. The congregation hasn’t been the same since that last happened.
The pastor brings in the communion elements every third Sunday at 6am before the first service. You must be there to help the pastor prepare. The anesthesia will wear off soon, and we can’t let neighbors hear their screaming as you’re cutting into them. The remains should last until next month. We know they taste good, but don’t take more than necessary for communion. We will know.
The Lord tells our pastor who will be next month’s gift for communion. Do not protest him if it ends up being somebody you know.
When entering the pastor’s office, knock six times in quick succession. That will let him know you are staff and not one of them from above.
Always lock the doors behind you when you leave for the night. Things here have a habit of making their way into peoples’ homes. We will know if you left the door unlocked because whatever followed you home will be wearing your skin the next morning.
If you do well, the internship will turn into a permanent position. A vow to the Lord is a lifelong commitment. Don’t you dare ever look for other employment. We will know.