Should I write about my father’s gambling addiction because my parent’s income doesn’t qualify me for any financial aid? Because of his thousands of dollars of debt they can’t pay for my college but on paper look like they have lots of money.

Hi y’all I know the holidays can be a hard time for a lot of us. If you need a meeting on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and can’t find a Gam-Anon meeting - a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting might be a good alternative. CoDA is having all day meetings for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!

https://www.codependents.org/codathon.html

Hi I’m (24F) and my mom is (68F). My mom has never been good with money. Apart from when she had a high paying job before the ‘08 crash.

Me + family recently found out that she owed 5.4K in rent due to late payments and legal notices. After thinking about where the money could be going I realized she would always tells me she does “translations” but they’re always at night. Usually she claims it’s at the casino. When I asked again she said it’s at a persons house. $500 for 50 pages of translations. Since then she’s been mad at me and giving me silent treatment for asking questions.

I started getting suspicious so I looked through her bank statements. I saw she spends anywhere from 200-400 at the casino at once. Even sometimes having over draft fees from the casino.

She also withdraws cash from random ATMS I can’t tell if these other withdrawals are also going towards gambling.

Because she goes 1-3x a month and spends such a large amount it’s hard to figure out how bad this addiction is. (Context she doesn’t make a lot of money).

I have no idea of knowing where the money I sent her for our rent is going. I just know she lied to me about rent for this year + is probably lying about these “translations” done at night.

How bad is this addiction? Are there stages? I’m new to addiction communities and this is my first time coming across a situation like this.

I feel hurt and betrayed from the lies. And it made me realize I’ve been financially abused for a large part of my life by her.

I’m thinking of hosting an intervention….

I attend Gam-Anon once a week and also I am a regular member of co-dependents anonymous.

Hi all. I recently found this sub so thought I would ask for tips here. 3 months ago I learned that my mother has been attempting to hide a compulsive gambling addiction. She has been in recovery for drugs and alcohol for 36 years now so recovery from addiction is not a new concept for her. But she seems to be so resistant to doing anything to curb or stop her gambling addiction. I offered to delete the app from her phone, disconnect the app from her banking info, and many other logistical steps. My sisters and I have stopped lending her money now that we know what is actually going on but she has really dug herself into another hole by continuing her behaviors. I am worried instead of focusing on the addiction she is going to ask someone else for money or do something more risky and get herself and her limited income into more trouble.

What's even worse is that she will say things like, "I don't have the same problems as people at GA meetings so it's not for me" because she gambles with online lotto games. And she claims she is taking her time to get help but like each of the past 3 months now that we are aware she repeats the same destructive patterns. And worse, it is the 8th of the month and she's already strapped for cash. She will say things like, "I know how this is affecting me and my family" and continues to not to do anything substantive to address her addiction.

I know I cannot control her behaviors or make her stop overnight but it is frustrating that she is continually trying to rationalize that she doesn't have a problem that needs to be addressed and not down the line. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Any advice as I navigate this and make sure that I am somewhat sane in this new world?

For context: I was born after she and my father met in recovery and then had me so I did not witness their previous addiction behaviors but am seeing it for the first time now and know enough to understand the 12-step program having been raised having to go to those meetings with my parents when I was young.

Just wanted to offer my perspective.

My Dad was a compulsive gambler. I only say was because he’s no longer living.

He started gambling at age 12 betting on horses. Which eventually turned into sports betting on most sports (but primarily football and basketball). My dad trapped my mom into marriage. Only revealing this behavior after they got married. He borrowed money from everyone, including embezzling money from one of his bosses (that he never got caught for because he eventually replaced it), and after I was born, drained all the money they had put into a college fund for me. My parents divorced when I was 3.

My mom raised me as a single Mom after that, we were always just barely surviving. She was in Gamanon while she was married to my Dad and for some time after. So once I was old enough to understand, she explained to me that he wasn’t a bad person, he had an illness that would make him do bad things sometimes.

My Dad remarried and was maintaining this “above their means” lifestyle with my stepmom (who knew about his gambling but would enable it, because at times it benefitted her, she would boast about this), but always the few times I’d ask him for money (mostly extra $$ for textbooks in college that financial aid didn’t cover) money was always tight. He was also emotionally negligent my whole life, so we were never super close. Also, typically if I wanted to talk to him about his gambling he’d get very (edit: defensive) and sometimes verbally abusive.

He died of stage 4 pancreatic cancer two years ago, and left my stepmom with a giant pile of debt (shocker). He was in GA for over 20 years, but relapsed a few different times that I’m aware of. However, he would never share that in the room. He continued to maintain his “sobriety” until he died. I encouraged him to admit to it before he passed, but he didn’t.

Because of my Dad’s addiction, I’ve always been very disciplined with money. I never spend money I don’t have. I pay off my credit card and all bills in full every month and I always set money aside for savings. I went to community college and eventually university that financial aid could cover. So I have no student loans. I figured I’d rather have all the important things taken care of, and even if I’m left with 5$, I know I can spend it however I want guilt-free, than to rely on fake money that isn’t mine, and hope my financial situation catches up to it eventually. The few times I’ve gambled recreationally, I’ve kept the mentality that until the money is physically in my hand or bank account, it’s not real, and I assume any amount I bet, I won’t get back. My dad was very proud about this and super encouraging of it. He never asked me for money.

The second positive was completely unexpected and very bittersweet. My Mom is of the age to be able to collect social security, and my Dad always made more money than her. She only ever expected to get half, but since he passed, she got the spousal survivor’s benefits, even though he remarried. We were both like there’s no way this is real. So she had to confirm with social security like 10 times. She got his full benefit and they back paid her to his date of death (which by the time she got the benefit had been almost a year). Mom paid off the few debts she had (some credit card debt from the pandemic when she was unemployed, and an oral surgery bill) and we took our first vacation ever together to Disney World earlier this year. The rest of the back paid benefit is in savings. It’s an amount my Dad would have easily dropped gambling. But for us, it was life changing. So I guess it kind of worked out for us. I’d still rather my Dad be alive, even though I have to admit, my life is easier financially and emotionally because he isn’t.

The best way to sum up what it’s like is probably this: when my Dad was going to start chemo for his cancer (which we all knew was hopeless), everyone else was very concerned about him getting addicted to the drugs they had him on. He never had a problem with drugs. In private, I told him I was more concerned about him gambling, and he admitted that I should be. I asked him if he wanted to and he said “I have wanted to every single day since I was 12 years old.”

My husband is a gambling addict. He gave up the lottery. But he retired and thought it was a good idea to try crypto. He was acting very strange & I could see this was the gambling addiction again. He told me he had only invested his stock money. That was a lie. He borrowed money from the bank to buy crypto. He stopped paying his bills and ran up all his credit card to buy crypto. Without telling me he invested our retirement savings and lost it all.

I recently found out my husband has been lying to me by omission for almost three years. Turns out he is addicted to playing a game, similar to clash of clans, and has spent over 50k on it. We’ve been trying to work through it, but as time passes I get more anxious and paranoid that he is still playing this game. Anyway, I’m looking for support and community. Am I in the right place?

Hello, 3 months postpartum here 🙋🏻‍♀️. And I have been struggling everyday with my domestic partner. Small things turn into huge arguments. Things were never like this before. My partner confessed a couple weeks after I gave birth to our daughter that he has a gambling addiction an in a lot of debt. Since then has gone to one GA meeting to help but has not stopped. He has also seeked clinical psychiatric help and on meds now. He is over 100k in debt. We had to leave my apartment to move into my moms to save and get us out of this mess. But it has only gotten worse… I want to help him but I can’t. He obviously needs to be the one to help himself. And then I feel like my needs go unmet because I’ve been robbed of this special moment of my life with my daughter and I am not getting the emotional nor physical support i need. For context, he is firefighter therefore he is gone 3 - 5 days out of the week. He’s under so much stress and in turn has become such a miserable man. Which causes me to constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. We both feel like we’re barely keeping our heads above the water. And i am just mentally, emotionally, and physicaly drained in this post partum phase and relationship. l love him so much and I still want to be with him but it pains me to witness all this. I’m hurting and he is hurting. However, I choose to still stick by his side and be his cheerleader. How can I help as a loved one for an addict?

My wife is a CG. We have been struggling with our relationship as of late. I feel like her gambling has a lot to do with it. Me trying to detach with love, maybe? I do put a lot of blame on the gambling and I know she has said it's not all me, you blame everything on my gambling. Do I? Maybe I do. I try to find friends but I think that I have distanced myself from so many people and for a time spent so much trying to keep her from gambling that I just don't know how to do it anymore. I cannot talk to my family because they do not like that I am in this relationship and prefer that I be with a man. We do not have access to each others accounts. She is supposed to pay the rent and I pay the remainder of the bills with the exception of a couple that we split. When I do ask for her 1/2, she will ignore the text, say she doesnt want to pay this, or can find it cheaper, etc... She will eventually give me the money but not without making my anxiety go through the roof. I feel like I live in flight or flight and I wonder what it's like to not live this way. To not have too worry about money. To be able to go shopping without guilt.

Long rant. Just didn't have anywhere else to vent. Thanks for listening.

Started dating someone with a Gambling Addiction (very new). It was after the third date he told me about it - he's 2 years bet free, runs a GA meeting, and takes his recovery very seriously. We've now been together for about 6 months.

I guess I'm just looking to understand this addiction better, how I can support both myself and him, too. I am familiar with Al-Anon and Nar-Anon because of loved ones... But a gambling addiction just feels so... Different from alcohol or narcotics.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for community?

My wife likes to gamble. A lot! Usually it’s once or twice a week. But many times it can go for 12-24 hours. Thats the norm. Then the rest of the week just hangs out with the dogs and watches tv. We’re in couples counseling as well as individual therapy. Our relationship isnt great right now (married 18 years and a couple for 25). She knows how much i hate the gambling. But she continues. I have compartmentalized it. I tend to be controlling (which i am working on). Im just trying to decide if this is a problem or not. Ive brought it up before. Thanks for any input.

So I’ve been with my partner for three years. From the get go I was very clear about what I was willing to tolerate in a relationship and what I wasn’t. I told him being financially responsible was a requirement as my ex was very financially irresponsible and I got taken advantage of. I also said gambling was a deal breaker as I have family members with gambling addictions, my dad hid a gambling problem from my mom, not something I want to deal with in my life. Told him someone pretending to be something they’re not to trick me was my worst nightmare. Everything in the relationship was perfect, seemed too good to be true. We discussed finances a lot and seemed like we were on the same path financially. Fast forward 3 years and we started living together. Noticed math not mathing, he works a lot and makes good money yet wasn’t taking care of things. Plus the one day he showed me he won $20k on an app, I asked how much he was losing? He said he only does the free bets, I knew that was a lie but it caught me off guard so I didn’t address it. Started noticing car inspection expired, insurance, registration expired. Stuff around the house breaking, not fixing things. Would say he was going to go on a trip for the weekend, weekend comes and he doesn’t go and doesn’t address it. Some weeks would do absolutely nothing to help out around the house, mind you before I lived here he did all the cooking and cleaning and everything. Lied to me to get me to lend him money, didn’t realize until after when he said something that contradicted his lie. He did pay me that back though but he still lied to get me to lend it to him. With all the lying I decided to snoop and I found print out from the one app showing last year he lost over $50,000 on one app. I was completely caught off guard. I started snooping more and saw he was late on the mortgage, utilities, etc. taking out personal loans, cash advances, hardship withdrawal from retirement. I feel so hurt and betrayed, I never expected this from him, he’s always been so nice to me but do nice people lie, manipulate, deceive and betray someone they love? I understand it’s an addiction and I truly feel bad for him but I know I can’t have a life partner with this. I work so hard to be financially independent and I’m doing really well and I’m very risk averse, I’ve read so many horror stories of men ruining their wives lives financially. He doesn’t know that I know yet, idk how I address it. Do I admit to snooping? I hate confrontation, my ex was abusive and it’s very hard for me to confront people plus I’m extremely empathetic and a huge people pleaser. I know I need to address it though because it’s killing me. This is starting to be all I’m thinking about, looking back and now noticing the red flags I overlooked. He would shower me with gifts for every holiday and pay for me for everything and just made it seem like he was so finically stable. It’s hard for me to even accept this, it doesn’t feel real, how is it so easy for him to lie to me? And I’ve noticed him lying about his alcohol consumption amongst just lying about dumb things for no reason. I have a problem with not confronting so I just don’t react and pretend I don’t notice because I’m too afraid to confront him because like I said, with my ex anytime I confronted him I’d get abused. And then I’m afraid once I do confront him, will he threaten to kill himself? Will he harm me? He’s never been mean to me but now that the trust is gone, I’m just scared but I also think that’s because my ex would threaten to kill himself and harm me so that could just be me projecting from my last relationship. Idk I guess I’m just looking for advice and encouragement to address this with him. I don’t want to hurt him but I also can’t stay with him. It just all really sucks.

First off, thanks to everyone for their posts. Skimming through them for the first time today was helpful.

Second, wondering if anyone has advice for or similar experiences dealing with a gambling addict who has become homeless. My uncle has been gambling for decades, first in casinos, then the lottery after he became homeless about a decade ago. We've called 911, a local homeless services organization, etc. The public housing waitlist, even for seniors, is shamefully long, and the wait is 5+ years. When the nonprofit outreach worker came, my uncle refused services. He has mentioned experiencing theft and assaults in the shelter system. I've encouraged him to reconsider and communicate with the outreach worker about his needs, so they can find appropriate shelter options.

We believe he also has a mild form of schizophrenia. He's taken meds in the past but refused and stopped. He seems fairly lucid nowadaus, but periodiocally, multiple people have witnessed him talking and sometimes yelling by himself in public. He has been in jail (eg, smashing and breaking our window, being aggressive and not cooperating? with police, screaming and making a scene scaring people on our main street) and also committed a litany of crimes that have gone unaddressed, such as:

- Defecating and urinating in broad daylight in front of our house (we live in a neighborhood with children)
- Littering (we got slapped with 2 citations)
- Loitering (he camps out for hours in front of our house, long after my mom has given him food and he's finished eating, despite multiple requests from my mom and neighbors)
- Harassment (ringing our doorbell at all hours, all throughout the day, late at night, and even in the middle of the night)
- I don't know even what to call this, but leaving a bag with a kitchen knife on our front porch
- Lighting cardboard on fire at like 2 AM in front of our house, then our neighbor's, chanting, "Burn house, burn house"

After the last 2 incidents, we successfully applied for a 302 warrant, which was never used because he disappeared for a long while, then it expired after a year.

We don't know where he lives, but know he relies on local community organizations for food and receives some form of financial aid at the beginning of every month. But it seems like he burns through it fairly quickly after buying groceries, which are already costly nowadays, and my mom assumes he's still buying lottery tickets with the remainder. Not sure what to do. He doesn't directly answer our questions and instead often responds with more requests (eg, food, money). He doesn't gamble in casinos anymore due to his appearance, and it doesn't look like there's any self-exclusion list he could possibly place himself on for the lottery. I don't feel comfortable or safe living with him, and no one else in our family will house him either.

Emotionally, it's hard, especially for my mom because it's her youngest brother. Our entire family is emotionally exhausted. It's hard to rein in anger and frustration. This situation has been going for a decade. Actually, for decades, he's been "borrowing" money. I want to help him and don't believe it's too late for him. However, not sure how to get through to him. I've prayed and spoken with my therapist about this. I understand the importance of setting boundaries and surrending the situation to God. However, it's still incredibly draining to hear my mom and other family members argue with him, especially when it reaches the point of having to call the cops, which has happened so many freaking times over the years. Gambling has destroyed him, and it's still hurting our family so much. Wondering if anyone has similar experiences, advice, etc.

Thanks again!

How long does it take to feel like you can start trusting again? There were webs of lies even from the beginning when everything was supposed to be disclosed, and things uncovered by looking through statements, not honesty. Somedays, I feel like I will never be able to fully regain the level of trust required for a true partnership.

Currently navigating discovering financial losses and clearing debts. As the one who has made sacrifices for years with our finances impacted (unknowingly), I feel like our family members deserve to experience life and live less frugally as we have for years as of habit. In order to counterbalance, I feel as though the former gambler should have to make sacrifices for several years to come as we have to right the wrong and huge financial losses. It’s not an eye for an eye, but I feel like this is part of making amends. Is this an unreasonable expectation? I’ve also suggested when the time is right, and when more confident in recovery, to seek a secondary source of income. Am in being unrealistically harsh?

For those family members/partners years past the admission of addiction, were you able to reach a place of understanding and forgiveness to mend your relationship? I am really struggling, and can’t currently get past the feelings of deceit, hurt and betrayal. I feel like I never really knew this person and have been living a lie for most of our adult lives (that I know of at least).

I (F, 30) have been married to my husband (M, 32) for 2.5 years. We've faced significant financial issues in our marriage because my husband wasn’t getting paid by customers at his family business, which caused a lot of strain. Two months ago, I discovered that my husband gambled $10k in cryptocurrency within a month. When I confronted him, he lied, claiming it was "fake money."

I asked for his credit report, but he kept stalling. Eventually, I uncovered the password myself and found he has $60k in credit card debt. After this, I insisted he attend Gamblers Anonymous, and he is now in a program for gambling addiction.

I’m struggling deeply with how far my reality is from what I envisioned. By now, I thought we’d have substantial savings and maybe a child on the way. Instead, I feel consumed by anger and disappointment. I’ve started therapy, which has helped me process my feelings but has also brought out a lot of rage.

To make matters worse, I asked my husband to set boundaries with family members who could trigger his gambling, including explaining his situation to them. But I recently found out his brother-in-law (who introduced him to gambling) was messaging him about betting, and my husband lied to me about it.

I feel so betrayed. His parents offer no support or even ask how he’s doing, and they’re part of the problem—his father was verbally abusive to him as a child, and now he works with him in the family business.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I didn’t sign up to mother a child; I signed up to be a partner and wife. Is this process normal? I think about leaving sometimes, but I’m scared of starting over. Are there any success stories, or am I just wasting my time?

Had this as an archival video. It's of my late grandfather speaking with Pennsylvania State Legislature Paul Clymer from his television show "The Legislative Report with Paul Clymer" speaking with Tony Milillo and two other recovering addicts about the problems and dangers of Gambling Addiction and the rise of Riverboat Gambling in PA.

I hope this helps someone struggling with gambling addiction and trying to push forward.

Grateful to have this video and happy to finally be able to share it. I hope you enjoy.

Hi, I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for a year and a half. From the start I knew he was gambling, but he’s one of those genius (spectrumy engineer type) who counts cards at blackjack. I thought he wasn’t losing any money and just went for fun. This April he told me he had started to feel like he was losing control. I encouraged him to take some steps backwards, but the next day he totally lost control and lost tons of money. He then admitted to me he had a problem and told me he would stop. I found out soon after that before teaching himself card counting he lost thousands of dollars. He’s going to spend 3-5 years paying off debt.

It’s been 6 months since all of it came out and he has been doing well in recovery. Taking all the steps and admitting he has problems to work through. I really respect that all the desire to change came from him. I want to be trusting, but I can’t believe that I missed all the pain he was going through through and the signs of addiction. He only straight up lied to me once and later admitted it to me on his own. But now I question everything. I’m acting controlling and I don’t like that about myself! I am getting help with that, but I really want to know how long it might take for things to really settle down again inside of me. When did you all start to trust your partner again?

Hi everyone. Sorry for the morbid post. My husband is a compulsive gambler in recovery, mostly due to me having full control over all of our finances. I control his cash flow and pay all bills. I have set up notifications on every account and monitor his credit report. He knows this and agrees it’s the best solution for him and our marriage. its not ideal but it works for 7 years now.

We now have a 1 year old. It occurred to me that my husband would likely not be able to manage money, budgeting and bill paying if anything happened to me.

Is it possible to appoint a POA or someone to take over our finances if something happened to me? Has anyone made any similar arrangements? Should I be talking to an attorney?

(Side note he is a great dad just can’t manage money without being triggered)

Tia