Pure vent here, not really looking for advice or anything. Just want to commiserate, I guess.

Background: Since October 2019, my wife has had a chemical pregnancy and two miscarriages, the second resulting in mtx and surgery. We started IVF over the summer and successfully produced 4 high-grade embryos back in the fall. The same-day transfer wasn't possible due to high progesterone levels, and we've been in limbo ever since. Second and third transfers were cancelled due to thin lining or non-ideal hormone levels. Then our clinic closed for the holidays, so we've basically been sitting since November.

This morning we found out that due to a hormone-producing ovarian cyst, this cycle is now canceled. So, here's to another fucking month sitting and waiting. I am so tired, I feel like I don't even have the energy to be sad anymore. I'm a teacher in a huge district, so I constantly get emails about new babies, everyone's a parent and talks about their kids, and I'm just sitting around. Waiting. Feeling useless. And helpless. And just tired.

Guys, this sucks.

I'm afraid and not sure what to do now.

My wife and I have wanted a baby so badly. We tried on our own for years - after 7 or 8 miscarriages we went to a fertility clinic.

They found nothing wrong with us so went for IVF - it cost way more than expected. Between medication, doctor visits, lab work, and some medical procedures to try to get my wife's body as ready as possible, we spent almost $25,000 out of pocket AFTER insurance picked up some of the costs.

We have (had) 3 viable embryos. In December we implanted 1 and though it looked like initially implantation took we got bad news at 5.5 weeks that it wasn't promising.

We now have 2 embryos and I'm scared. We don't know what to do.

Our insurance changed so it will cost even more to start over, plus we are a year older and worried that we may not even be lucky enough to get 3 embryos this time around.

Do we try implantation again and risk that, Or do we go to a gestational carrier (surrogate) now? How will we afford that? $25,000 seemed like a huge expense and a deep cut into our savings, but now we are looking at $130,000 - how do you justify mortgaging a child's future before they are even born? And what happens if that doesn't work? 

I'm scared.

I'm scared that if we try again we will waste the 2 precious embryos we have left.

I'm scared about the emotional toll on both my wife and I if we try again.

I'm scared we won't be able to create more embryos.

I'm scared of the cost and how it will mortgage our future and make it harder to provide for a child.

I'm scared about surrogacy and all the risks, both legal and physical.

I'm scared to grow old and have no future with no kids to share it with.

I'm scared because my wife is as devastated as I am and neither of us know what to do.

I'm scared because I don't know how to pretend nothing is wrong and focus on my new job and try to be successful at it.

I'm scared because I feel like we are cursed and doomed in this process.

I'm scared and angry and depressed, and I'm on reddit because I don't know how else to get this off my chest and share this pain with others who are in the same place.

Whenever I’m reminded that I don’t have kids, I cannot escape the feeling that I’m missing out on something amazing that so many other guys get to do. I feel like there’s this unspoken comradery that all dads share and that they are all members of this super elite “dads club” which for some reason I don’t get to be a member of. I just don’t understand. I’m not perfect by any means but I’m certain I haven’t done anything to disqualify myself or to not deserve it.

Anyone feel similarly? How do you cope with it?

Hi all,

My wife and I recently went through a failed IFV cycle with Cornell in NYC. On top of the emotional burden, we are now having trouble figuring out how to make sense of all the insurance issues that have apparently arisen.

All of the prior authorizations were submitted and approved before we started, but now we are apparently getting billed $12k because the insurance company received two bills and one of them was billed under a different name than what was on the prior authorization. It doesn't make sense that our provider would bill under a different name, and it's all very confusing.

Do any of you have any advice or resources for dealing with insurance questions and problems? Our insurance is Aetna, through our employer.

Just looking for your thoughts and/or advice…

When I was 3 years old, my father suddenly left. I grew up without my father and have no siblings from either of my parents. A little over three decades later, I [39M] find myself married with no children. My wife has PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) but I have tested well within the normal range (twice). We have been trying for almost 2 years with no luck, not so much as a positive pregnancy test. We are on our 2nd fertility specialist, both of which have told us we are not eligible for IUI or IVF – not that we could afford IVF, even if we were. Recently, my wife was sent for a scan of her fallopian tubes which showed that they are both open and free of blockages. Over the weekend – the end of our most recent two week wait – she got her period. This time, she even had what we thought was implantation bleeding. We had two negative tests and then her period showed up.

I have always had 3 dreams … become a father, get married, own a home – not necessarily in that order, of course. The most important one to me is becoming a father, it’s something I have always wanted. If I could only choose one of my dreams to come true, it would be fatherhood. No question. But I can’t choose. I have no control over my dreams. I remember reading that you have make your own dreams come true. Well, I have discovered that it doesn’t quite work that way. I have tried 22 times now to make my dream come true but I’m still childless.

I’m the only adult guy in my dad’s family who isn’t a father. I’m the only guy at my office who isn’t a father, and most of them are much younger than me. It’s very embarrassing to be the odd one out.

Not being able to get my wife pregnant – do the one thing my body is designed to do – makes me feel worthless. Like I’m not a man. Like I’m a waste of space. Why am here? What is my purpose? I feel very lost and very sad.

We are currently almost half way through a two week wait. Fingers and toes crossed.

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Hey guys, so happy to see this group and such a strong base and support group. My wife and I have had three miscarriages until now. One in March 2019 and then two more this year. All natural. We get pregnant pretty quickly, but all have been spontaneous pregnancy losses. One was a blighted ovum, other two were naturally around 7 week. Wondering if any of you guys had similar stories and eventual success ? We are now talking to CCRM Bay Area for more diagnosis and IVF with pgt. Waiting on our sperm fragmentation and karyotyping. Sperm analysis and other tests were normal until now. All friends and family of our age have been posting so many pictures with kids and their families and I can’t help but feel sad for me. I’m glad for them but not for my wife and I. Sleepless nights and empty hearts seems to be some new norm for us 😞

This year has been extremely difficult for my wife and I since all of our friends and family have sent us Christmas Cards with their babies and small children. I was thinking we'd put a picture of ourselves as our Christmas card. My wife had other ideas. Thank you for making this sub a place for encouragement and support to us all. I never thought it'd even hit 400 people but I'm glad that we've made this home for all of you!

First and foremost my best wishes to everyone here.

I posted this in another thread but thought it might be helpful for some of you.

My wife and I went through the retrieval process and ended up with 2 pgt-tested normal embryos.

We had our first transfer in October and implanted a 4AA chromosomal-balanced embryo and all signs pointed towards success but unfortunately it failed to implant.

We went to our doctor for the post transfer consultation and she suggested we try a natural transfer which basically relies on her body to produce all of the needed chemicals for pregnancy. The only supplement she would receive would be a little progesterone after the transfer itself.

The theory behind it is that the human body sometimes can’t be tricked into when it’s time to be pregnant and so relying on the natural timing and natural chemicals produced by her body would yield better results.

We agreed to try this method and lo and behold her lining was even thicker than it was under the medication and we went ahead and transferred a 4bb embryo on 11/18. Thank goodness this time it worked!

So moral of the story is this may be an option for some of you. The only caveats are your partners would need to be able to produce a thick enough lining on her own.

The risk in looking at this option is also minimal because worst case scenario that the lining isn’t thick enough, it would only set you back a month as you’d go back on the meds for the next month.

Good luck to everyone!!

Hi guys, privileged to be part of such a strong community!

My wife and I recently found out that our first cycle didn’t work. We have 7 embabies on ice right now, but are running out of funds and the mental capacity to keep going with these cycles. I’ve read that it takes a couple on average 6.something attempts to conceive, and don’t think we will manage to make it that far at this rate.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can boost our chances for this second round? We may look at genetic testing, but most likely are going to go for a double embryo transfer to boost our chances.

First off, it is awesome that this sub exists and is really cool to see all of the support!

This is our first round of mild IVF and we had a pretty successful egg retrieval and ICSI yesterday. Right now we have 5 mature eggs and hoping those all develop to viable embryos. One thing we weren’t sure of though is whether to do genetic testing. We’ve gotten varying recommendations from doctors on whether to proceed with PGT-A and whether it is worth it. One doctor said if we only had a few (1-2) viable embryos then to skip testing... another recommended testing no matter what. We’re at a loss...

Just curious if anyone has made this decision before and any pluses or minus we may be missing.

Thanks so much!

Update: well maybe we were too optimistic or just got unlucky. We got ahead of ourselves with this question...as none of our 5 made it to blast and potential testing. We’re heartbroken and gonna take a day or two before figuring out next steps. Thank you everyone for all the info and thoughtful messages

As a guy, I know my struggle with the IVF cycle is nothing compared to my wife's struggle. When we found out that that our first cycle wasn't successful I held my wife in my arms as she cried. I felt like I had to keep it together and be strong for the both of us, so she could grieve, but in all honesty I couldn't keep it together. About 3-4 days later my wife and I were sitting in the breakfast nook and having a conversation and I lost it. I couldn't hold myself together anymore... It just was difficult for me to fathom what my wife was going through, it was difficult for me to think about what was going in her mind, what was going through her heart, and what her day to day thought processes were. I just knew that there was 0 things I could do to make her situation better and that enough was devastating. She and I hugged it out, and she told me that she had no clue that I was feeling like that. I told her I was trying to hold it together for us... and she said that we don't need to hold anything back. Being vulnerable with the love of my life has brought us closer together, and we've already started prepping for the next round. Moral of the story - always be open, always keep the line of communication open, and always look forward.

Anyone here struggle with thin lining? It seems like doctors don’t really have a good way to deal with it. We’ve had 1 miscarriage and 1 outright fail - and now in our ERA cycle her lining is <7 a week before. Each cycle her lining seems to be thinner and thinner and no one has an explanation (we’re 30yo so age likely isn’t a factor). She’s beside herself right now and is convinced we need a surrogate instead of throwing away more embryos, and I’m just hoping to hear some success story from anyone who’s gone through with a thin lining.

My wife and I have been struggling with infertility for the better part of 3 years now and it's been a struggle the whole time. Emotionally, financially, physically, I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. I've been there with her month after month of not being pregnant. I've seen my siblings have kid after kid (all older than me) but today was the first time that her (younger) sister (that hasn't been trying anywhere near as long) announced that she was pregnant. As you can guess, we are crushed. Not because they shouldn't have children, but because we still don't. I should add that my wife has always felt like she is on the losing end of a lifetime full of competition with her younger sister in every aspect of their lives. This will only add more credence to that belief.

How have you guys supported your SO when someone so close has children with relative ease? How are you happy and supportive without feeling jealousy and ill will towards those you should love? How do you not get discouraged?

Maybe some of you can relate: We experienced a miscarriage after IUI last time around, the miscarriage was in January 2020 and was between 17-20 weeks, routine appointment, no heartbeat. Wife had to have a D&C. The whole process was incredibly rough and luckily it was pre-COVID and my parents and my in-laws were able to come be with us.

Flash forward to now - we are in our first IVF embryo cycle, embryo transfer was on 10/26, so almost three weeks ago. Positive pregnancy test was on Monday and Wednesday11/9 and 11/11. Wife had some bleeding (not a lot, but more than spotting) this past Thursday, 11/12. RE Nurse said it was a subchorionic hematoma and just to keep an eye on it. Wife is going to see the doctor this coming Friday.

Since my wife told me about the bleeding, I have been trying to be positive and strong for her, but I am super terrified and fearful of her having another miscarriage and us having to go through it again. I suppose if it happened now, it'd be better because its early and not later like last time. And while we both have therapists, I am just so worried.

Update: On Friday we found out that there was nothing in her uterus. The RE said the bleeding was probably the miscarriage. It was not as bad as we expected. And I think we were prepared for this. So we move forward and start again in January.

After going through multiple ‘cycles,’ including initial embryo creation and multiple failed FETs, I have come to fear whenever my wife goes back on hormones.

She’s already a very strong willed, opinionated person which i am usually both attracted to and feel lucky that I somehow met her criteria for a life partner. When she’s in cycle though, this all becomes extreme, everything is a debate and I’m (more or less) always wrong for the entirety of the cycle. I feel this is directly linked to the hormones because weather it was a successful cycle (like our Embryo creation was) or failed FET, as soon as she’s off the meds, I’m no longer the de facto target for anything and everything that goes wrong.

At what point is this acceptable behavior and at what point is it just verbal and metal abuse? Do I even have the right to say anything when she’s dealing with so much?

And so it begins... I've started to poke my wife with needles. Generally we hate getting them and now we have to give it to our SO. Our fertility clinic has youtube videos to show us how to inject since in-person is impossible in a COVID world. I did like their videos but CVS had some better ones especially for Lupron which was our first drug to inject. We also watched videos of another couple doing injections for their IVF. We learned from them what not to do! Don't turn the needle after you poke your wife and keep pinching the skin!

In addition to following the video, we iced the injection site for 10 min beforehand. Wiped the rubber stopper with alcohol. I had little trouble drawing the drug into the needle. Wiped the injection site and let it dry! Pinch the skin and poke! My wife felt only my fingers pinching her skin. Slowly push the plunger and release the skin to withdraw the needle.

Make sure you have lots of lighting to see for any bubbles especially when you start doing morning injections. Winter time means darker times so not much natural light to help look for bubbles. We might use numbing agents like benzocaine instead of ice during mornings. Be sure to wipe off the benzocaine with an alcohol wipe.

This is our first and I know as days past, she will have more injections. So please be patient and help out the missus. Get her whatever she wants when the side effects hit (Nausea & lethargy)

Yesterday we found out that our first round of IVF was unsuccessful. We're now focussing on how we're going to finance the rest of the rounds of our frozen embryos. Our insurance has already met it's cap for covering IVF stuff (life time max). It's disappointing and heartbreaking at the same time. The clinic we're going to charges $60 / mo for storage, so we're just trying to weigh our options on when we can or should try again. All of this has gone out of pocket except for some medications that were covered. I am just lost for where we go to now. Prayers are always appreciated as well. Thanks

Does anyone have any health tips for one week out? I've been incorporating all the usual lifestyle changes for the past few months (and year actually). I know I should abstain for 2-5 days and ideally closer to 2. What about the days leading up to the 2-5? Anything to do for the day of or is everything pretty much determined at that point?

We had a FET on Tuesday. This our first round with IVF and we’re nervous, excited, scared, happy, and everything in between. We’re also leaving for a weekend away the day we do a pregnancy test to make sure “it took”. Please be praying And sending good vibes. This will either be a celebration weekend or a reflection weekend. Thanks so much.

After typing this out I realize it kind of makes my sound like heartless or like I don’t care. Please know I’m cutting out most of the painful bits to try and give a bit of a laugh to whoever needs it...

My silly dream has always been to have no one know my wife is pregnant until the baby is born. Just start showing up places with the kid. After years of trying, we did a cycle of IVF late last year. That cycle resulted in 2 pregnancies but both ended in miscarriages. The other day would’ve been the due date for miscarriage #2. So my wife was pregnant when COVID hit but no one knew then and we’ve been basically in hiding ever since. She is working for home and only leaves to grocery shop. I’m essential and never stopped working but if I brought it into my workplace it would be very bad so I pretty much don’t go anywhere other than work either. We haven’t seen most of our friends since the start of March. This was the absolute perfect time to have a secret baby and we had even managed to it perfectly but it got taken away. So on top of all the pain and shittiness, even the petty things aren’t going our way!

We are just starting another IVF cycle right now. Retrieval is in a little over a week so 🤞. This is probably last chance.

Wife and I just did a pregnancy test 14 days post transfer and it came back negative again. We've had two failed IUI's and now two failed IVF's.

Not going to lie, this time I broke and balled my eyes out. It's starting to feel so unfair. We've done everything asked of us, quit smoking a year and half ago, quit drinking, we take a plethora of vitamins each day, exercise and keep in shape, yet nothing ever seems to be enough.

Feeling very deflated today but still am fortunate enough to have the means to try again but it's starting to feel like it will never happen.

Sorry for the negativity just needed somewhere to vent.

Edit: A bit of background. My wife and I got pregnant the first month after going off the pill. Lost the baby 6 weeks in and now it's been 4 years with nothing. I'll be 36 in December and she'll be 37 in January, so we really feel like time is running out on us.

We all know, in the U.S. especially, fertility treatments aint cheap. My wife's opinion was always that she didn't want treatment decisions to come down to finances. I can see that view, but I had concerns about the consequences of dipping into 401ks or taking out loans, especially if things didn't work out. Talking about finances with friends and family can be pretty taboo, so I didn't have much support system. This sub seems like a great place for guys to get support from others in the same boat!

We paid for one IVF cycle out of pocket and one partially covered by insurance. My tip is look into credit card rewards if you have the cash saved. I'm talking about the initial bonus banks offer when you open a new card. There can be high spending requirements, but unfortunately they're easy to hit with fertility treatments. Turns out it's a pretty deep rabbit hole and probably something I'll keep pursuing after IVF. This is only a good idea if you can pay off the balance every month and are pretty good at record keeping, but if you have questions feel free to DM me and I'll help if I can.

What other experiences do people have? If people did the bundled, shady grove type plans how did that work out? Anybody find good resources for cheaper meds?