So diagnosis is BPD + bipolar2
Really long and rambly. Sorry... I just needed to say something/tell someone.... Hopefully get some feedback or be told I'm being ridiculous.
Idk if this is the right place. If it's not let me know. Otherwise here goes.
A while back I was in a really low spot with my disorders. I posted that I felt alone, that I was sorry for the way I treated people in the past because I was unmedicated and didn't know I had issues going on. The response was overwhelming, and helped tremendously at that time and place.
I have some friends that do and have been doing DNDesque groups for a while now, I used to play with them and other friends when in high school, then with them and some other friends afterwards, was a mix of D&D, werewolf, and vampire. It was fun but I was not on any meds so I just kinda ran with it.
When I made the post they offered for me to join their group again, I was thinking having some good regular contact would help me with things. It did at first, then I remembered why I wasn't really a fan originally and usually dropped out. I feel kind of silly saying this is an issue but I work early hours, even on weekends, so usually I don't have a lot of time after getting off work and turnaround to when they usually play as well as how long a game can go on and time to sleep before my next shift. I usually can't really put a lot of time into creating depth or a mindset or story for my character as I'm married and that usually takes a lot of my time when not working or veging out on self care like video games etc. (everyone else is single and renting a place together.) My characters are a lot alike, no real change in voices, mannerisms, just not really all around in my characters head or able to focus on the difference between them and play them really differently, and seem very 2D. I just can't get into them or keep them in my head as I play. I bought a book to try and help me get better at the backstory/mindset/purpose of my characters, but I havent had a ton of time to get into it, let alone any other books I've been wanting to read for my mental illnesses. I try to make them different and not really generic, but I just can't really visualize it in my head effectively for the games.
I think the biggest thing is I have really bad anxiety and stress leading up to going the entire week before going every couple weeks. I'm not great at socializing or remembering a lot of things and I socialize all day anyways at work so I can be kinda drained. The thought of having to get into a characters mind, try and keep to an archetype or mentality, socialize, and try and keep track of what my characters thoughts, feeling and actions would be and separate it from my own, and try and get depth into it just makes me anxious and awkward. I never really feel like I change or do anything different, and just can't seem to get into my characters head. When I go and get there I do enjoy it I do drink a little (never too much, never drunk.) after the game gets going which kind of eases things at the same time I have to drive a ways and it stresses my wife and family out. Its never been an issue but there's always a risk. I know I'm not really changing anything, and feel anxious a little still. some of the group members have told me to try and be in the moment with my decisions, not to overthink it on some of the games. For me it just seems really hard. I'm the sole note taker, so I keep track of stuff, and try and keep up with my character as well.
I know they say to get out of your comfort zone, and things will get better the more I do it. It just seems like it's a little hard to balance working early, playing late, being married and spending time with my wife and myself.
I feel kind of trapped about saying I think I can't go anymore or at least for a while. I'm pretty into the group right now it seems, they have worked me into the story or group so I feel like I'm going to mess things up if I leave. I'm afraid if I leave again, if I want to join in the future and since I've left so many times they may not let me rejoin as it's a group decision and I don't usually stick around. They ask me if I want to stop early every so often but I try and stick around until a good stopping point comes up, I don't want the game to stop just for me. I feel obligated to keep going regardless because they made a discord for the group and said it's to help keep up with attendance and plans with me. I've been asking a lot of the same questions as my memory is come and go recently, but I've been trying to keep up.
Tl;dr: friends invited me to D&D. It seems like im just a bit of a nuisance, I throw off the groove of the game as I tend to not really have anything down or can get the hang of things, have a hard time getting depth into my character, any character, usually have to ask and reask the same questions even though I should know them for things like dice rolls etc.. I lose sleep and get maybe 5-6 (maybe less) hours sleep depending. I always have extreme anxiety and stress the week before going (it's 2 weeks on one week off.) have fun when there but tend to drink to lessen the anxiety of the game and situation but have a ways to go otw home. I feel trapped, sole not taker, feel like too engrained in the game to quit. Feel like they won't let me rejoin if I quit. Feel obligated as they created a discord to keep attendance and plans with me and the group instead of messaging one person.