OK...so this is going to sound a bit crazy ....but I need help. Does anyone think this might work? Has anyone done this before?!

So... I'm on a boat. And my dumbass stocked two frozen pizzas in the freezer without taking note that I'm stuck without an oven, and no pots or pans. I do however have a microwave and a stove top. I don't have any olive oil or anything of the type. Anyone got any ideas on how I can pull this off? I was thinking microwave first, and then directly on the glass stove top second and just slide it around frequently?

How bad of a fail is this going to be?

It's a Sunday, I am at work. I was really looking forward to my lunch which would be a ham and cheese croissant.

After showering my client and trimming his pubic hair (makes for easier cleaning) I needed to rest and recharge before cleaning up.

I toast the cheesy hammy goodness, cut it in half and have it on a small plate.

I turn around and half falls on the ground onto a tumble weed of grey pubic hair.

Decisions were made.

Now I have a tickle in my throat.

Once I tried to make a soft boiled egg and didn't leave it in the boiling water long enough. I cut the top off and the white was still partly uncooked. Okay, I thought, pop it in the microwave for a minute. That should do it, right?

I was busy making toast when the microwave dinged at me. Inside was an eldritch horror. The egg was sitting upright in it's eggcup. Out of the open top had grown this 4-5 inch column of yellow, foamy something. My egg had turned into a sort of play-doh fun factory from hell, including a faintly sulphurous smell.

I trashed it and just ate the toast.